Winter
Sandy could always remember that winter.
The winter that his whole child hood ended.
The winter that his whole world came crashing down around him.
The winter that changed his whole impression on the world, when he realised just how cruel people could be.
It was a cold winter, the heating bill hadn't been paid and so the house was freezing. His father had been laid off from his job and so his mom was busy working with all those other children. She'd come home at 2 am and Sandy would always be woken up by her arguing with his dad about what time it was.
He was too young at the time to really know what was happening. All he knew was that the shouting was scary and he'd jump into his big brother's bed and snuggle up with him. His brother was always his safety blanket. He was older, more mature and would whisper that everything was fine.
Sandy would go to sleep in his arms and feel truly safe.
One night, his mom came home and the argument was so loud that it woke up his baby sister. She wailed in her crib and the noise only clashed with the adults' raised voices. Sandy wanted to go to her but when he heard something crash in the kitchen, he was too afraid to leave the comforts of Adrian's bed.
His brother didn't tell him everything was alright and instead Sandy could feel the arms tighten around him. He could feel his brother shaking and that scared him more than anything because he realised he was just as scared as he was.
They could hear heavy foot steps coming down the hall and the Sandy held his breath as the door of his sister's bedroom was pushed open.
Sandy tried to escape his brother's grip and try to protect his baby sister but Adrian wouldn't let him go.
The door of their bedroom was thrust open and the crying grew louder. Sandy squeezed his eyes closed and snuggled under the covers. He felt a heavy, writhing bundle being dropped onto the bed and then the door of the bedroom slammed shut.
Sandy could feel himself being moved away carefully and he slowly came out of the covers. Adrian was holding the baby and cuddling her. Sandy let himself absorb the soft words that were being spoken to her, even though they weren't meant for him.
By the time Eva had stopped crying, Sandy was drifting off to sleep himself.
It wasn't till the next morning when Adrian led him out of the room with Eva still in his arms, that he realised what had happened the night before.
The sight of his mother sobbing at the kitchen table, her head in her arms, brought Sandy's world crashing down.
She looked up at them and Sandy couldn't understand the look he saw on her face.
"Get out! Go to your room!" She screamed at them and Sandy scurried back, terrified with Adrian right behind him.
His sister had started crying again and Adrian adjusted her in his arms.
"Where's daddy gone?" Sandy asked.
Adrian just looked at him sadly and shrugged.
Adrian was only 7, too young to take charge of his two younger siblings. Too young to look after a 5 year old and a baby.
That winter was the hardest. His mother would work all day and all night. They'd wake to find food for breakfast on the table but no mother.
He helped Adrian change and feed Eva. She wanted her mom and dad and cried all the time.
Adrian spent most of his time with Eva and Sandy began to feel the rejection deep in his bones.
How he saw it was that his father had left him, he never saw his mother and his brother loved his sister much more than him.
All his toys were being used by Adrian to try and stop Eva from crying. He felt alone, more alone than he had ever felt and had ever felt since.
His brother no longer tried to make him laugh to cheer him up or allow him to come into bed with him when he was scared.
The winter felt even colder without his brother's warm arms.
It was then at 5 years old, he made a promise to himself that he would never abandon his family. He would never leave his wife and his children.
He began to draw little pictures for his mom. She had to come home sometimes. He left them on the kitchen table and he knew she took them because each morning they'd be gone.
One day he woke up and found his mother sitting at the table. He squealed at the sight of her and jumped into her waiting arms.
The day would have been perfect. She thanked him for her pictures and he sat on her lap as she whispered reassuring words to him, promising him that she wouldn't leave him so long again.
Then Adrian entered the room. He handed Eva to their mother and left the room again, not even a smile or a single word in his mother's direction.
Sandy watched his mother's face fall and before he knew it, Eva was handed to him. As he struggled to handle her weight, his mother kissed him on the head and told him she'd be back soon.
He'd figured she was off to talk to Adrian but then he heard the front door close.
His brother was no longer the amazing heroic figure to him. He'd made his mother go away again. He could still feel where she had kissed him. Eva was back to sleep and he settled her down on the sofa.
xxx
Now all these years later, he recognises the same look that had been on his face that day, on the blonde kid's face as he stood by the counter, a squashed napkin clenched in his fist.
It was a look of pure betrayal. A mother was supposed to be there for him. She was supposed to be there through all the bad times and the good. It was a look that read that Ryan's whole life was crashing down all around him.
"Come on, lets go home."
He wanted the kid to stay with him. He wanted to protect him from all the evils in the world. He wanted Kirsten to understand just how much this meant to him. He knew what Ryan was going through and he wanted to make it better.
He never wanted to see that look on anyone's face ever again.
The End