Train Wreck
A/N: The train story is possibly the greatest thing I've ever heard and I'm a little shocked it took me so long to think about doing a remake of this. Basically the setup is simple; Gabriel is alive, they know Chuck is God and, here's the really unbelievable part, they're on vacation. I'm not sure this reached quite the jocularity of the original but this is what imagine a vacation with Team Free Will would look like. Hopefully it's worth a few chuckles. ENJOY! R&R PLZ!
It was an overcast morning when four men…well two men and two angels, got out of a cab outside a train station in Amsterdam. The place was filled with people and with all their bags, it was slow going to get to their platform where they'd take a train to Berlin for the next leg of their vacation. Originally, they had planned to simply fly there but one of their company wasn't exactly in his right senses for that. Castiel, the Angel of Thursday, warrior of Heaven and one-time god, was absolutely stoned out of his mind. As such he did nothing to help his brothers with the baggage but rather stared around dazedly and made comments similar to his days post-asylum.
"Has one ever really considered the nature of parrots? Like, what does it truly mean if they can imitate our words? Should we not teach them express their own thoughts or is it a sign of our own lives and how we are trained?"
"Let's go to Amsterdam he said," Dean growled, glaring at Gabriel. "It'll be fun he said."
"Hey it ain't my fault, you're the one who lost him," Gabriel shot back. "And don't pretend that you didn't partake in the culture either. You were having a grand ole time if my walls were telling the truth."
"I didn't expect to get stuck with frigging Chang-stiel over there and now we're grounded until he sobers up. Can't you just cure him?"
"The only thing I can do is take it in myself so it's either high Cas or high me? Take your pick sweetheart."
"How about we don't have a fucked up Archangel running around with unlimited power?" Sam threw out.
"Good thinking moose, I see now why you're the brains in the family," Gabriel smiled at him. He returned his attention to Dean, "Look I got us great seats on a cushy train. You'll live princess."
"Come on, let's just get onboard and settle down," Sam adjusted his grip on the bags he was carrying. Each man had packed two a piece but with Cas more interested in the emotional range that comes with materialism, he and Dean decided it was just easier for them to lug the angel's things not that he packed much, thank Chuck for that.
They finally made it to their platform with time to spare. The train hadn't arrived yet so they set their stuff down and flexed their fingers in relief. They took a seat on a bench, bemusedly observing Castiel trying to speak to a centipede. "Shouldn't we stop him?" Sam whispered.
Then some of Cas's words floated back to them, "-fair to you, the social pressures to have more than you could by nature. It's a feeling of inadequacy that human males feel as well I assure you."
"Have you ever felt inadequate Dean?" Gabriel snickered.
"Your walls weren't lying, dick," Dean smirked.
"No but she might have been," Gabe shot back and Sam cracked up.
Soon their train pulled in and Dean got up, "Listen, I'm going to go get Janis Joplin and make sure he sits down and stays there. You two can handle the bags, you know, if you're feeling adequate enough."
"But of course, a lady should never carry her own bags," Gabriel quipped earning him a one-finger salute from Dean as the hunter led Cas onboard. Sam and Gabriel worked quickly to load the bags and stowed them in the overhead rack before joining the other two at their table.
"Gabriel?" Cas said airily.
"Yes baby brother?"
"Do you ever notice how we can have something one moment and then the next it's simply gone, like it was never there?"
"Nope," Gabriel and the hunters exchanged suffering looks, it was going to be a long ride.
"For example," Cas continued and the three could barely contain their groans. "When we began our journey, this exquisite adventure of brotherhood, we had eight bags but now there are seven." Three pairs of eyes widened and snapped up to count the luggage while Cas continued oblivious, "Like sands in the hourglass, falling away until we have nothing but the memories."
"Crap Sammich, where did you put it?" Gabriel looked around.
"I loaded everything into the same rack, it has to be there," Sam stood to get a better look.
"Guys over there," Dean pointed to out on the platform where one lone bag remained. They made a mad dash to the doors but it closed in their faces. Sam and Gabe began knocking on the sealed barrier while Dean decided to push all the buttons on a nearby, hoping one of them would open the doors again with no luck.
"Can't you just mojo it?" Dean hissed to Gabriel.
"Oh my god Dean, you are so right," sarcasm poured from the Archangel. "Let me just use my powers to bring the bag to us in a public area filled with people and security cameras. How could I have been so fucking stupid? Oh wait because then I would have to be Dean Winchester!"
"Enough," Sam shoved them both. Outside, a station worker happened to be nearby and saw the three men rapping on the glass of train doors, waving at her and gesturing at a bag on the ground. She pointed at it as if to ask, Is this yours? They nodded frantically but the doors had been sealed and the train was beginning to move so she simply gave them a deep shrug as they left the station.
"Son of a bitch," Dean pounded his fist on the window one last time.
"I'm sure everything will be alright Dean," Cas stated placidly. "Perhaps I or Gabriel could return tonight to retrieve it…" But no one was listening as they were all too busy freaking out.
"What the hell do we do now?!"
"For fuck sake, you jack-offs had one job!"
"Holy shit, what if they search it and find something?"
"Yeah because of all the times, high-as-a-kite Cas would have something weird in his bag. Wait, would he?"
"…"
"…"
"…"
"SON OF A BITCH!"
"Okay, let's find a conductor or someone who can help us fix this mess." Sam sent Dean and Gabriel one way while he went in the other. They sprinted the length of the locomotive but couldn't find any personnel to help. They met again where they'd started.
"There's no one at that end of the train," Gabriel panted.
"There's no one at that end of the train," Sam pointed in the opposite direction.
The three were suddenly more panicked than ever, "NO ONE'S DRIVING THE TRAIN!"
Cas rose in awe, caressing the walls, "This must be a new sentient creature. Will Father's wonders never cease?"
"Look there's one more button," Gabriel nodded to a big red one behind some glass. "Maybe it's like an emergency call."
"I don't know…" Sam said slowly. "Not wanting to brag here but Stanford taught me how to read things very clearly and that says 'EMERGENCY, DO NOT PUSH'."
"Well I didn't go to Stanford," Dean balled his fist and smashed the glass protector, bloodying his knuckles in the process.
Sam's jaw dropped, "DUDE!"
"No sense turning back now," Dean shrugged and hit the button. Instantly, the train stopped with an almighty lurch sending everyone hurtling to the ground. Drinks were spilled, laptop sliding across tables, people either knocking into their tables or falling to the floor. Yells of confusion and cursing filled every compartment and now everyone was focused on the group who obviously pushed that button.
"We must have angered it," Cas patted the ground. "It's alright friend, we simply misplaced our luggage." He kissed and rubbed the carpet soothingly and Gabriel growled, grabbing him roughly to pick him up.
"Just when people are looking… Castiel, you are a fucking angel of the Lord. Stand up and control yourself."
"Yes brother," Castiel nodded but swayed slightly in his spot.
"Who pushed the button?" Another female train worker approached them, urgency lining her face, obviously expecting someone to be hurt or in danger.
"We did," Dean raised his hand meekly.
"We? Only one of us with bloody knuckles here," Gabriel grumbled prompting Sam to step on his foot.
"We're really sorry ma'am," Sam tried ham up the innocence. "It's just that our friend here, well you can see he isn't himself right now and his stuff got left on the platform by accident."
Helpfully Cas chose that moment to speak up, "I was having an earnest discussion with a centipede. Did you know -"
"Cas we got it," Dean interrupted him. "Look we're tourists, here on vacation. Is there someone we can call or…"
"Hold on," the woman held her hands out. "You three," she pointed around at them, "pressed the button because a bag got left behind?"
"Well we didn't know what it do, we didn't expect the train to stop," Sam explained.
"Sir, you didn't just stop this train," she emphasized. "You stopped all of them."
"WHAT?!"
"It's protocol, all the trains in Europe had to be halted to avoid crashing. All for a bag." The lady took a couple deep breaths, "Okay we can call the station have them put your friend's bag on the next train. Just wait at the upcoming stop and someone will give it to you. Just so you know, this is going to cost you."
"How much?" Gabriel asked.
"150 Euros."
The Archangel pulled out his wallet and gave her the money in full. "We are incredibly sorry for this."
"Thank you for helping us though," Sam added.
"You're welcome," she replied with tight smile before leaving and the foursome returned to their seats.
"Okay this time it's warranted," Gabriel sighed and added to his friends, "She's running through the Dutch alphabet of curses and names for us in her head."
"Well we did stop all the trains in Europe," Sam said as if he still couldn't believe it.
"Has the train been appeased?" Castiel inquired.
Gabriel rolled his eyes, "Yes Cassie, the train isn't angry anymore."
"I don't know about that," Dean muttered, glancing at the other disgruntled passengers. "The train seems pretty pissed to me."
"What part of 'we halted the entire European railway' don't you get?" Sam stared his brother.
"Bitch."
"Jerk."
"Boys." They jumped and saw Chuck standing over them with his arms crossed. "Care to explain why Cas is high and half of Europe is demanding an explanation for the trains stopping?" They squirmed in their seats and Chuck shook his head, "You earned this vacation but when you get back to America, you're grounded. No sugar, booze, or laptop for a week." Gabriel, Dean, and Sam were horror struck.
"What the hell? We're not frigging eight!" Dean exclaimed
"You're still my children and I have to hear people bitching about the train service all day thanks to this. This is worse than taking screaming toddler into a grocery store so yes you're grounded and don't even think about disobeying me." With that, God disappeared.
"Great, something to look forward to," Dean fumed.
"Could be worse," Sam commented.
"How?" Gabriel looked absolutely devastated at the prospect of no sweets.
Just then Castiel piped up, "I have another question." And three heads simultaneously hit the table.