Dee Slaps Dennis
By Miss Ay Jay
Disclaimer: I own none of this
To Dee, the best part about being the forgotten part of The Gang is that she can fuck with them all she wants and nobody will remember that she exists. It is also the most important; if anybody knew of said fuckery, she knew that they would get her back somehow, and Dee kind of loves her health sometimes.
And so, for the past month Dee has made it her personal life goal to see Dennis bitchslapped as many times as possible. Of course, since Dennis is a bitch, any slap is technically a bitchslap, so really she was just trying to see how many times he could get slapped. The first phase of her plan was getting other people to slap him; this was only mildly successful, even after she placed a Craigslist ad asking for random people on the street to slap him. This returned seven street slaps and an entire hour of The Gang pondering why this would happen. Of course, they all ultimately forgot and decided to get wasted instead, leaving nothing in their memories of the slaps except for a faint red mark on Dennis' face that looked like it had been left by a six year old or extremely withered elderly person.
The second phase of the plan included trying to get Dennis to slap himself. Once, she had edited a Wikipedia article to say that the best way to prevent against male pattern baldness was to slap yourself seventeen to forty-five times a day.
They all had, naturally, looked at Frank. He had blinked at everybody else, sighed, got down from his chair, and personally slapped each man.
"The answer is no, I never slapped myself, you assholes!" he shouted. Dee noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants at this moment, and it almost ruined the moment except for the fact that the boys were getting bitchslapped.
After Frank left, angry, Dennis started furiously slapping himself. Dee had worried for a second that her plan might be ruined, that Charlie or Mac might try to stop him. But then she remembered who she was dealing with, and she laughed with the other men as Dennis counted all the way to sixty-nine, his "lucky number."
Still, this wasn't elaborate or satisfying enough. Which is why, one night, remembering Dennis' heavy sleeping but sensitivity to flies (very convenient), she snuck in to his room, set up a video camera, worked her magic and, as she left, released a jar of flies and closed the door.
The next day, Dennis came in to Paddy's carrying a video tape.
"Whaddaya got?" Charlie asked excitedly, obviously thinking that video tape was equal to nasty porn.
"I found this in my room this morning," Dennis explained. "It might tell me who tied me up and why there were flies all over me."
"Well that just sounds like Friday night," Frank said, jabbing Charlie with his elbow.
"Yeah, pretty normal Friday night," Mac agreed. The Gang all raised their eyebrows at him.
So after a lengthy conversation about what a normal Friday night really was, they eventually remembered the tape. After a lengthy trip looking around the bar for a VCR, the entire time with Dee holding the VCR in her hands and shouting at everybody that she had it, The Gang eventually settled down to watch the footage which would, ultimately, show the boys that she was superior and amazing and beautiful and young and they would never underestimate her again. Somewhere along the way of the bitchslap, Dee had realized that this was all a ploy for attention and the acceptance that she craves, probably stemming from her lonely, scoliosis life.
Or something like that.
The tape was grainy, but she watched in glee as the video-tape-Dee elaborately tied up Dennis. Somewhere in the middle, video-tape-Dee stopped.
"I just realized that this is all a ploy for attention and the acceptance that I crave, probably stemming from my lonely, scoliosis life. Or something like that." Video-tape-Dee paused. "Huh."
Video-tape-Dee continued working.
The Gang watched as Video-Tape-Dee checked to make sure that it was working, making Dennis perform a very small slap on himself, before she left the room, pausing only to stare into the camcorder and announce that it was her, Sweet Dee, who had bested them all.
The Gang fast forwarded through the rest of the tape, which was five hours of Dennis comically slapping himself repeatedly. It was even funnier in fast-forward, and then as a frame-by-frame play back with Mac's narrations, and then in reverse.
As The Gang all sighed and sat back with their fourteenth drinks for the night (twelve of which they had consumed while playing with the video tape), Dennis finally said, "I only wish I knew who had set me up."
The guys all nodded and sipped their drinks.
Well, it was time for Phase Three.
Dee got up, walked down the line and bitch slapped each of them. Afterwards, she left, taking her soda can full of wine with her.
Yes, Phase Three was definitely the best. So far.