A/N: Ok, so this a rather long Authors Note. Please indulge me and bear with me through my explanation/rant. I usually write Shipper stories only. So, I guess that does make me a shipper. However, in reality it has always bothered me..the relationship on screen between Bobby and Alex, because I find it so confusing and complex in some ways. Here's some reasons why. Going back to "Purgatory" - It always bothered me that Alex told Bobby she called him twice - twice in six months. I mean, God, I've called mere aquaintances more than that. What kind of friendship can you possibly have if that's the case. We also have no real indication that they spend any time together outside of work. Which is a little weird, because even on SVU, Elliot and Olivia have been seen sharing a meal or a drink or what have you. But, then I go back to "Blindspot" and the angst he suffered while she was gone. (In my opinion the shippiest episode). I never saw the shippiness in "Siren Call" (I wish someone would kindly explain that to me...I mean Goren didn't even tell her about his Mother. What kind of friend - let alone partner does that).
So, what does this have to do with anything? (I can tell you are annoyed with me now and my ramblings..I'm almost to the point). Just this. In the clip from this Sunday's "Faithfully" Goren meets Eames at the Ferry terminal. Clearly, it is the first time they've seen each other since "frame" ended. She says "you were supposed to be back next week" and he says "got back last night. Went to visit family". I mean HELLO....if she meant as much to him as we like to think, how come she didn't know where he was. She says "Well, you look good". That's it. He says "We should go." Weird - right? Ok. The point is this. In my warped mind I needed to find a way to make this clip into something shippy, so here goes.
BTW, feel free to either make me feel better by pointing other shippy things out, or tell me it's just what it is. I guess bottom line is that I don't really see the closeness between them that others do. And it makes me sad.
On with the story....
I'm Here If You Need Me
After "Frame"....
//
When he leaves it's more or less because Ross has ordered him to. "Take some time, Detective, whatever you need." Ross says this to him as they are leading Gage away, and he turns for a moment and sees Eames staring at him. He hesitates for a minute, waiting to see what she'll say to him and when she makes no move, he leaves.
//
Later, a few days later, he leaves a message for Ross, telling him he's off to Michigan to visit some family. Contrary to popular belief, he does have some family. On his Mother's side. And maybe it's time to reconnect, he thinks.
It isn't until he's actually on the plane that he realizes he hasn't spoken to Eames since that fateful day. She left him one voice mail "Bobby - I just don't...what to...call me, okay? Or don't. I mean...maybe you need to just disappear for a while..(he hears her sigh at this point and there is silence)...anyway, you know, I'm here if you need me." And the message ends.
He replays the message over and over.
//
The night he arrives at his cousin's house, they give him a big family welcome. Open arms, and everything. He feels....strange. Connected, yet not. He likes these people he thinks, wants to get to know them better, but something is missing. They're very interested in his job, and they ask all kinds of questions, clearly impressed with his badge and everything it stands for.
They ask about Frank once, and he tells them point blank that Frank has died, the result of an overdose. He doesn't see the need to fill them in on the rest of the story, there really is no point. Much to his relief, they simply offer condolences and move on.
He witnesses some family infighting. Nothing serious but he's not used to navigating these deep family waters. That's her specialty, and then, he remembers the message "I'm here if you need me." When was the last time he didn't need her, he wonders, and when the hell did that happen?
//
Over the next few days he finds himself being swept up in some sort of domestic life that he never experienced. His cousin and his wife leave early in the morning for work, dropping their kids off at school. He wanders into the tidy and large kitchen, where he finds a note scribbled in one of their handwriting:
Bobby -
Coffee is ready to be brewed, just turn it on. Wasn't sure when you'd get up, so didn't make it beforehand. Help yourself to whatever's in the fridge - good bakery around 2 minutes away - best blueberry muffins ever. Make a right onto the main road and then a left. Follow 1 mile into town. Sign simply says "The Bakery". See you later, kids get home around 4. Also, I left out on the livingroom table a box filled with pictures, there are a lot of your mom and brother even some of that trip we took that Halloween...remember?
He doesn't remember, not really, or rather, all he remembers is trick or treating with his cousins and Frank stealing all his good candy before he could eat it. Then, the oddest memory flashes through his brain - it's of Eames. A photo she once showed him as her nephew dressed in a pea pod costume and her in a gardening outfit. 'Huh'. He thinks. 'What a strange thing to think of now'.
Taking their advice and wandering into town he stops at "The Bakery" and agrees, it is the best blueberry muffin he's ever had. And suddenly he has this urge to buy another and bring it to her.
//
After day four, they start becoming more comfortable around him and ask him about his life. His cousins little girl asks "Do you have a girlfriend?" He looks between her parents for some help, but they too are smirking and he see's he can't get out of this hesitates for a minute, then wonders why he has hesitated. He knows why. Her face flashed in front of him for a second and he feels heat rising in his face. "No, no. No girlfriend." He smiles at the little girl.
//
He has a lot of time to think. And when he's not thinking about the shambles of his life, and how he's even going to rebuild, he thinks about her. "I'm here if you need me".
Needing her is not the same as wanting her, although, he supposes, if he was honest with himself, he may want her and what's worse is he probably has for a long time. He thinks about all she has been through, since he's known her, and how strong she has been. He is profoundly embarrassed about the last time he saw her. He fell to pieces with Gage, in that room, her behind the glass, and he wondered for the first time what she truly thought about him.
He supposes he should also be embarrassed about how he's treated her these past couple of years, but there were other things that seemed more important at the time.
//
One night, he is sitting around with his family and they are asking him all kinds of questions - ranging from the simple "how old were you when you entered the army" to more difficult ones like "When was the last time you saw your father before he died?" (Which one, he thinks ruefully, the drunk or the murderer rapist?)They are, of course, talking about William Goren, and he shrugs, waving the question off, and they can see he is uncomfortable and they drop it.
//
He checks his cell phone everyday, no calls, and he finds he is disappointed that she hasn't checked in with him again. "I'm here if you need me". Those words, they echo in his head. She left him that message, and has left him several just like it over the past few years. But, to his recollection, and later shame, he realizes, he has never once, not once, left her a message like that.
And maybe she had needed him, and he just wasn't there.
//
A little more than a week goes by, and he finds himself thinking about her more and more. Not just 'What is she doing now? Who is Ross partnering her with? But things like he hopes she isn't working too hard. Hopes she is eating well. Late at night, in bed, those thoughts turn into others. He thinks about her face, really thinks about it, and for the first time in years, allows himself to realize how pretty she really is. He finds his mind wandering over her arms, her waist, the curve of her neck when she wears her hair 's not even surprised at the Longing he feels for her now.
He just doesn't know what to do with it.
Waking up in the middle of the night, he suddenly realizeshe needs to go home. There is so much he needs to say to her, so much he needs to hear from her, he doesn't want to wait another week. So he says his goodbyes, promises to call when he gets home and boards the plane.
//
On the plane, however, the doubt and pain begin to slowly resurface. Who is he, after all, to decide that he wants more out of their relationship now? After all these years. It's been nine years that they've been partnered together, how long has he felt like this? He is so confused he can't even answer his own question. What if she never felt anything more for him than that of brotherly affection (the thought makes him gag). What if she doesn't want to be any further entrenched in his fucked up life than she is already?
Finally, what if she doesn't need him after all? Never mind, want him.
//
He gets home late, very late, and decides not to call her. He unpacks and decides one of the first things he needs to do is really clean his place up. It is dark and depressing. His conscious mind now remembers that it's been days since he's thought about Gage, or Nicole or his brother. And now that whole tragic scene plays out before him and he finds himself unable to sleep again. Old patterns returning.
//
The next morning he calls Ross. The Captain sounds mildly surprised to be hearing from him so soon, but doesn't push him to take the extra week. In fact, he tell Goren he just got off the phone with Eames and was having a car pick her up and bring her to a crime scene. Before he even knows where it is he is out the door, grabbing his badge, gun and wallet. He assures Ross that he'll meet Eames at the ferry terminal and they'll go straight to the scene.
//
He feels a sense of excitement and dread at the prospect of seeing her. All of the sudden he is filled once again with doubt, is afraid she'll still be pitying him and wonders what he's even going to say to her.
Then. He sees her. She is walking out of the terminal in a skirt (showing off some nicely toned legs) and walks towards him. He feels a pang of mild jealousy, she looks so nice, and wonders if she was dressed like this for anyone special, or if it was just another day with her sister and nephew. All these thoughts form a swirling tornado in his head and he looks down. She doesn't seem to be walking very fast. Not like someone who was missing anyone named Robert Goren, that's for sure. She doesn't even reach him yet and she says "you're not supposed to be back until next week"
"Yeah..I got back last night. I went to visit family" He is looking down and very uncomfortable.
"You look good." She says, trying to catch his eyes with hers.
"Thanks." He mumbles . "We should get going". He wants to put his arm around her or something, ask her something , anything, but he can't. So he turns to go with her next to him.
They walk in silence to the car, but in his head he keeps replaying her message "I'm here if you need me."
"I do need you, Alex. So Much. I always have". But he doesn't say it out loud.
Old habits die hard.
-Fin