The Real Twilight Complete With Reader Commentary

by Two Happy Days

Twilight without all the useless stuff: How it really SHOULD have been. NOTE: It's rather short, so if you're looking for something deeper, you might want to keep searching. Sorry. :P

So, this is my take on how the Twilight Series should have been. If you're a Twi-Loser, get out of here. MLIA-ERS, AveregeWizards, welcome.

"Oh Depressed Emo Girl Without a Life, how I yearn for you," Sparkly Vampire cried, his arms stretched out towards the Depressed Emo Girl Without a Life. "My heart beats in time with yours—"

No it doesn't, you're undead.

"—my voice speaks in unison with yours—"

I thought you couldn't read her mind?

"—my lips constantly seek yours!"

Now that's just disturbing.

"What would I do without you?"

Hopefully you'll throw yourself off a cliff with a bunch of Exactoknives sticking out of your body so the world will regain its sanity.

"Oh Sparkly Vampire, I love you as well! I'm too stupid to make a big cheesy speech like yours—"

Big surprise.

"—but I'll make up for it by offering you my virginity!"

OH GAWD. SHIELD YOUR EYES, EVERYONE!!

"Oh Depressed Emo Girl Without a Life!"

"Oh Sparkly Vampire!"

Oh please. Please oh please will you jump off a cliff with a bunch of Exactoknives?

"Let's die in each other's arms! Look! I even bought these Exactoknives!"

"Yes, let's! I love you Sparkly Vampire, I don't ever want to leave you! Our bodies will lie together forever in the underwater sand!"

Ooh, I forgot about polluting the ocean. Crap. Hm… oh, I know!

dniweRdniweR

"Let's die in each other's arms! We can strap ourselves to this nuke and die prettily with fireworks! Or at least, I can because you'll never be pretty, but that's okay because I'm pretty enough for the both of us!"

"Oh Sparkly Vampire! I'm speechless!"

Once again, BIG SURPRISE.

"Yay, let's explode with fireworks!"

So Sparkly Vampire and Depressed Emo Girl Without a Life died happily together, their remains incinerated in the blast, forever gone from the world. At last, Global Warming was cured due to the main source of Co2 emanation's disappearance. Our generation was cleansed and renewed, purged of the horrible side effects of the Sappy Romance. The world became a better place, forever and always.

NOTE: Flames will be used to bake cookies.