Who I Am
One of those little Axel/Roxas things, for the fans. Don't ask me when it's set: Just enjoy.
And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
Axel was in one of his moods. One might assume Axel had no moods save stuck on himself, hot-tempered, or at times sedimental under all of his firey act, but Axel was in fact a creature of both moods and habits, and so he left the post he'd been stationed at for a walk. The reason he was so moody? It had a name, it had a face, but he refused to think of it by name or face. Instead, he simply called him 'that boy' in his head.
'That boy' was pissing him off to no end. His so-called best friend for whom he felt so much had left, and all of the angsting and silent fuming and target practice (He was getting quite good at setting the cloaks of other unsuspecting Organization XII members on fire) wasn't making the situation any better. If anything, it was making Axel feel worse, and more and more often he would find himself with a heavy heart, a fuming temper, and a painful desire to pound some sense into the kid, to make him come back.
"Who would miss me?" The boy had asked, his eyes full of pain and anger.
"I would," muttered Axel, withdrawing his hands from the folds of his sleeves and pulling his hood back to reveal his face. His red hair shimmering under the lights, Axel appeared more innocent and yet somehow more manvolent than normal, his green eyes peircing the darkness with both unmistakable sadness and anger. "Don't you get that, you damned...?" His voice trailed off, the desire to curse Roxas leaving him. Instead, he turned to the nearest thing, which happened to be brick only slightly duller than his hair, and punched it.
All he had now was pain in his fist, bloodly knuckles, and a feeling more than ever of being alone. He sighed and looked down into the dusty alleyway, half-expecting to see the boy's form leaning on the wall nearby. What he saw was a single alley cat, it's green eyes boring into his with intensity. Axel turned away, his footsteps clanking as he moved down the street, away from the interogating gaze, because it reminded him again, in a way he couldn't describe, of that boy.
Suddenly, Axel was overcome in mid-step, and again he sank down against a wall, using it to support his back. He knew this was simply insanity, for his heart to quell over someone so young when he could have had anyone he wanted, and yet he could not help himself. "Roxas, you told me once that friendship meant giving up everything for someone!" Axel burst out angrily, and stopped his fist just inches of the wall, instead removing his glove to examine the small cuts forming on each of his knuckles with a pained sigh.
"But does love mean you'd be willing to give up forever...?" The second the words were out of his mouth, Axel was annoyed, and so he wiped his hands, pulled his gloves back on, and kept walking, keeping his pace brisk against the night fall air. Still, a single thought crossed his mind and he had no choice but to not only accept it, but to wonder about it:
Do you still feel me, Roxas?
You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now.
Axel moved on once he had cleaned his hand off on his coat, observing only for a moment the clash of crimsom blood on black. Something inside of his head longed to think more in depth about the boy, but the other part of him kept blocking Roxas out, kept ignoring his memories. "I don't need Roxas to be happy," he said, trying to force the idea past his lips just to see what it might feel like. He tasted the hollowness in the words and laughed. "What kind of lie is that?"
A shadow falling on the road from the alleyway up ahead stopped him. There, standing as though by some magic, was a skinny boy dressed in street clothing, hair standing up and thrown as though by some invisable wind every which way. Axel blinked once, then twice, and took in the sight before him for a moment before taking a step forward.
He felt as though he was living in some crazy dream, and stopped himself. "Roxas," he said out loud despite himself, just to see if he could get the skinny boy to look back. "Roxas... Hey Roxas!"
More shocking to Axel was that the boy turned around. Their faces locked, their eyes met, and for a moment there was an unclear confusion between them before it seemed that the boy completely comprehended what was going on. "...You again?" He said for a second. "Wait... Axel? I..." His voice trailed off in disbelief, or shock, or something like either one of those emotions, and he could simply stare. Axel got his wits back much quicker than Roxas, and took four steps down the alleyway before stopping to examine Roxas's eyes, which were blank and yet somehow knowing.
"...What do you want?" Roxas recovered his guard quicker than Axel. "I told you, nothing you can say is going to make me change my mind. I want to know what's been happening to me, Axel. I want to know why things turned out the way they did. Why me? Why the blade? Why even this organization? I have to know. Don't you see that?"
Axel looked at him. "No one said I was going to try to stop you."
"Then what do you want?"
"You never bothered to say goodbye, Roxas. I'm your friend. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Axel found that his own voice was deadpan, slightly lost by it's lack of emotions. All of his anger, all of his hatred and all of his need were buried under the surface. Instead, looking at Roxas he felt only a pathetic sort of loss.
"Well yes, but Axel, I know you well enough to know that if I stayed here even one more day just to say goodbye you'd find some way to keep me around."
"I like having you around, Roxas. It's nice to feel like I have a heart..." Axel bit his lip, stopping himself from saying anything else. "What do you say? Just a little while longer, Roxas?"
"...Just for a walk, Axel. If that'll give you time to say goodbye."
"It will." Still, somehow, just knowing he had a little more time with Roxas made him grin. "Let's get going."
When all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life.
And sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight.
The park they came to was a small one. Grass gleamed under the single streetlight that shone on the area where the pair had jumped the fence to arrive. Roxas found himself looking over at Axel, who had his usual gleam to his eyes and confident air. Somehow, he found himself thinking, I think Axel will be fine without me. At that very second, however, Axel's hand wrapped itself around Roxas's sleeve to keep himself from falling over, and the pair of them stood like that for a second until the red-head blushed and withdrew his arm. "Sorry."
"No need," Roxas said, taking a step forward in hopes of breaking the awkward tension of the moment.Still, somehow, standing there beside his best friend, a moment was a moment, and he smiled. He quickly jerked himself out of the standstill he'd come to, however, and moved to follow Axel, who'd somehow gotten ahead.
The two were silent for a while- What was there to say?- until they'd almost crossed the park. Suddenly Axel, still walking a few steps ahead of Roxas to avoid the embaressing manuver from before, stopped and settled himself down on the ground, almost perfectly blending in with a shadow, and motioned without a word for Roxas to join him.
"Are you sure," he asked the small boy as he settled himself down on the ground, "That you want to leave?"
"Axel... You said you weren't going to try to make me stay."
"I orignally wasn't. But Roxas... For a Nobody to have someone who makes them feel like they have a heart is amazing. And you're willing to leave all of that behind?" He wanted to bite back on his words, but there they were, hanging in the open air and causing quite the uncomfortable disruption. "I just thought we were friends."
"...We are friends, Axel."
"Prove it."
"Axel..."
"I just don't want you to forget about me whenever you're gone. I don't want to mi-- Forget it." The taller boy turned his head and stared off into the shadows surrounding them. Suddenly he stood, turned his back, and started to walk away.
"Axel... I'm sorry."
Axel turned, his face caught in the light, and for a moment Roxas couldn't help but appriciate his friend as he walked back slowly, boots making soft sounds as they trampled the grass. His gloved hand came out, reaching for Roxas, and Roxas took his hand and allowed himself to be pulled upward so that they stood together for a moment.
"Axel... Why is your hand bloody?"
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
"Don't worry about it."
"I'm going to worry about it. Has something been happening within the organization? Did someone attack you? Are you all right? Are the other Nobodies out of control?"
Hearing the pathetic need that seemed to crop up out of nowhere in Roxas's voice, Axel felt both sympathy and, for the first time, the same gut-wrentching anger he usually felt when he was alone. "No," he said softly. "I did that earlier, when my temper got the better of me. That's all. It's nothing."
"... You hurt yourself."
"Basically."
"But why, Axel?"
Axel turned his head, his green eyes averting all of the questioning he could see in Roxas's face. "It was an accident. Honestly, kid, you've got to stop worrying about me so much, since you're leaving and all." He withdrew the hand, although with a sense of reluctance he never would have expected from himself, from Roxas and ran it through his hair before shoving it into his pocket, and there it rested as any good demon, out of sight but not forgotten.
"...Yeah, I guess so. But Axel... You're my friend. I'm supposed to worry about you."
"Well maybe you shouldn't bother anymore."
"Axel... What's wrong?"
What's wrong? What's WRONG? Axel felt like screaming, felt like crying, felt like throwing himself at Roxas and beating his hands off his chest until they bled again. What's WRONG is that you're leaving and you don't care. The only person that seems to see me for who I am is willingly leaving me alone again, with nothing and no one to support me and nothing for me to care about.
You've taught me how to be who I am even without a heart!
Nothing came from his lips, though. "Nothing. Just upset, you know? Because... I thought we were better friends than that. That's all."
"We are good friends. Axel, can't you try to understand this?"
Can't you try to understand, Axel thought bitterly, that you're willingly and objectivly breaking my heart without realizing it? Can't you try to understand that I need you to feel whole even without a heart, that I need you in order to know who I am? "I understand. You go do what you need to do, Roxas."
"But Axel... I'm going to at least stay here tonight. It doesn't seem to be right, saying goodbye right now."
Axel found a wave of happiness overtake and extinguish his anger once again before it could overflow, exploding onto everyone and everything around him. "Then let's go home." He extended again the hand with the injury, and again Roxas took it, although this time he hesitated, as if afraid of somehow hurting his fellow Nobody.
Don't you understand, Axel thought, feeling Roxas's gentle, hesitant touch against his hand, the cautious way he skirted the bloody spots on the glove, that the only way you could ever hurt me is to completely leave me alone?
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feel like the movies
Hey you bleed just to know you're alive.
They were back in the castle. How amazingly real it felt to Axel, and yet how amazingly unreal. Standing outside next to Roxas was like standing next to one of the creatures from the dream he might have had if a Nobody truly had dreams; pleasent, and yet something he really dared not hope was true until Roxas tripped and somehow stirred him by grabbing his arm to trip him.
Axel couldn't help it. A thin smile worked it's way to his lips at the touch, and something welled up behind his eyes he couldn't quite comprehend. Suddenly he realized that if he had a heart, he might actually have cried. He wanted to fight back the feeling, but there was nothing to fight back, and the thought filled him with what could have been sadness, or at least the projection of the feeling of sadness.
"...You okay, Axel?" Around them, the city glimmered with all that was and all that wasn't, and both of them found their faces caught in the glow from the strange structure they had for too long called their home, the castle in the sky that had the misfortune of not being.
"Great." He felt the words choked up in his throat but he could not say them, and so he looked away from Roxas. "Come on, let's go."
"Aren't we going inside?"
"Do you really want to be carried home as a traitor?" The words hung in the air, choked with the unspoken, unfelt tears that would not come to Axel's eyes, and for a moment they both stopped before Axel turned on a heel and motioned for Roxas to follow. "We'll find somewhere else to stay."
Roxas felt some kind of happiness stir within him at Axel's words, but then he followed blindly, the moment passing as suddenly as he had come as they walked through the World That Never Was, Axel's retreating back now his only guideline. Suddenly, he didn't want to leave his friend's side, and ran to catch up, so that they were walking stride to stride, and an urge overtook Roxas.
He reached out and grabbed for Axel's hand.
The instant their hands touched, Roxas knew he had made a mistake. Axel recoiled as though he'd been bitten, drawing his hand away and yanking his glove back. Roxas thought he was going to toss it away from him and stomp on it, or else burn it to bits. Shame washed over him. "Listen, Ax..."
Roxas was magically able to put two and two together when he saw the black-ish flow of what could have been blood. True Nobody blood, unlike the showy stuff that had fallen from his hand earlier.
"You know, Roxas," he said suddenly, "You really do make me feel like I had a heart. You make me feel..." Axel stared at his hand with a fixtation, then looked up at Roxas's face. "Alive."
And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.
I just want you to know who I am.
Roxas had no idea what to think. He stood there, shocked, watching the material leave Axel's hand until suddenly, Axel grabbed Roxas by the shoulder and pulled him in so that they stood face to face. "Axel... I'm sorry... I can't believe I tried to le--"
The word 'leave' never had a chance to pass his lips. Instead, Axel's lips passed over his, and the pair of them were locked together, Axel pushing him closer and closer to the wall until he backed to it. They stayed like that until Roxas gently kissed him back, unsure of himself, then a bit less gently as Axel's hands found his shoulders.
When they broke apart, Axel smiled at him in a way Roxas had never seen him smile, and suddenly it occured to him what Axel made him feel.
"Axel?"
"Yes?" Asked the red-headed demon, finding that his fury had been coverted into a kind of energy, a kind of aliveness he never could have had without Roxas.
"You make me feel alive too."
Axel stood there for a second, then felt himself compulsed to kiss Roxas, to do something he'd never thought he'd do in his entire life. Instead, he looked at him and smiled for a moment to himself. "You said you'd spend the night?"
"Yes," Roxas said softly, and then suddenly he understood what Axel had said. Before he had a chance to further protest, or even speak, Axel grabbed his arm and pulled him across the street.
"Time to really be alive."
I just want you to know who I am.
A/N: Song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls. Characters belong to Square. Angst belongs to me. Inaccuracies in the Nobodies belong to me. I'm aware Axel/Roxas is not realistic, I'm aware Nobodies do not have hearts, and I'm aware that was fluffy fanservice.
Fangirls, just use your imaginations for the end of that.