"Hi, can I help you sir?" I think I almost miss that, it's so early in the morning. She's standing right at my back though, and that rush I'm still getting used to hits me like that. In an instance I can smell her perfume, the damp skin under it and hell, I can even taste her shampoo. I'm serious, and it tastes like chemicals, maybe like the gutters under the plate. But I think it's supposed to be one of those really fruity types, like berry smash, strawberry delight or...some shit. Not sure, but it's actually really depressing. I used to like it when girls' hair smelled like something sweet, it just seemed appropriate I guess. I actually used to date a girl whose hair smelled like grapes. All the time.
But now, all those scents just smell/taste like a mix of chemicals. And it just seems kind of ridiculous to have hair that smells like fruit. Sephiroth and his self proclaimed practicality must be wearing on me.
"Sir?"
"Oh sorry." I forgot that she was there again. I am a first class SOLDIER, and this cute little sales clerk could've probably swiped my wallet twice, while I was busy smelling/tasting her hair...chemicals. But it's the morning and super senses be damned, eight o clock is too early to be awake on a Sunday. But it is for Aerith, so it's not all bad. I look at the girl's nametag.
"Hey, uh...Lisa. Would you happen to still have those shiny little...hair button things?"
"Excuse me?" She blushes kind of like Cloud, which is really, really weird to think about. But I can tell she is also trying not to laugh. At me probably, no, definitely. But being a man, I find it a little hard to be embarrassed about not knowing the right name of those shiny hair button things. And it's early, so yeah.
"Do you mean the barrettes?"
"Yeah, sure." Maybe. "Can you show me where they are? I saw them here yes-"
"I'm sorry sir, but they're all gone." Have you ever been profoundly grateful that no one can read your mind? Because I think my heart just sank, over some girl's hair clips.
It's just...they were perfect for her. They were these shiny little pink roses, and pink's her favorite color, everything she owns is pretty much pink. And I've never seen her with anything but a ribbon in her hair, so I thought-
"I am really sorry sir." By the look on her face, I'm guessing that I must look pathetic. Which is actually pretty pathetic. So I suck it up, and look around again. "The last two went just thirty minutes ago. Actually it was a SOLDIER who bought them." the girl says smiling. For a minute I'm wondering how she even knows I'm a SOLDIER, because I don't have my uniform on. But I always forget about my eyes. And then what she says really hits me. A SOLDIER huh?
"A SOLDIER huh? That's funny..." I don't think my laugh is easy enough not to make her alarmed. I'm not upset. Nope.
"Yeah that is funny." she says, and her nervousness tastes a little more potent than her shampoo now.
"Did you happen to catch his name?" Smooth Zack. Real smooth. I watch her seize up a little. I really wish she wouldn't do that.
"No, no I didn't." I already have a sneaking suspicion who that SOLDIER is, but I just need to make sure.
"Do you uh...remember anything about his face?" I try to be softer about it this time.
"Sir, I don't really know if this is..." I wonder if I seems like I'm going to hunt and kill this guy. By her behavior, it must be so. But that's ridiculous. I usually don't scare people, and it makes me wonder what I look like right now. Do I look like I'd take my buster sword out, polish it, march to 209, and promise that if I don't get those barrettes back, free haircuts will be abound? No, because that's ridiculous.
"I really don't know sir, he had a helmet on." Bingo.
"I knew it."
"Sir?"
"Thanks for your help, Lisa." I wink, and she blushes and smiles as if she weren't even a little scared just seconds before. And it makes me happy to see it, even if the freaky similarity to Cloud is still there. I don't like it when people are scared of me, and it strikes me as I exit the store, that she kind of looks like Cloud too when she's scared, and that might be why it bothered me so much.
Walking back to the ShinRa complex is like walking through a freezer. It always seemed a little strange how cold it could get even under the plate, especially since so much of the waste winds up down here. The gutters smoke from it sometimes, and it almost looks like the streets are breathing. I run the rest of the way, and by the time I'm at door 209, I feel like it's more likely that I'll be asking for a drink of water rather than giving free haircuts. But when he opens up, I'm suddenly not thirsty anymore.
"What the hell Fair, it's…" he glances at his watch, though with that helmet it's a wonder he can see it at all. "nine oh clock? On a Sunday? You're hair better be on fire again…"
"Sorry to disappoint you, but…" I can tell that his eyes have gotten wide like Spike's did that one time he saw Sephiroth walking in the halls.
"You didn't….take out General Sephiroth's car a-" he whispers the last part, and as irrational as it is, I'm glad for it because Sephiroth has ears like a fox. And because Seph didn't speak to me for a week after I did that, which is worse than when he gets real close and slides out Masamune just enough, glares just long enough to let you know what could happen to you.
"No, Kunsel you bastard, you know what I'm here about."
"I do?" I can't see his eyes, but the way his mouth curves up on that gives him away.
"I want those barrettes back." He actually stands there and looks at me like I'm stupid.
"…What?"
"The barrettes, you know, the ones I was gonna buy?"
"The…shiny hair button things?" I feel my face heat up, because it dawns on me how I must sound. "Zack, are you serious?"
"Yes, I'm serious. You knew I was gonna get them for my girl."
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"The hell you don't."
"I don't, but what I do know is that you are acting like…"
"Like what?"
"Like a chick, that's what. Look at you, it' s nine oh clock on Sunday and you're here asking for your barrettes, stop playing Zack, just get to the point, you're pregnant aren't you?"
"Kunsel."
"And you're here to tell me I'm the father, right? I knew that this was gonna happen…"
"Shut up Kunsel." It took me a while to realize he was even more obnoxious than I am. With the whole helmet thing and everything people tend to think he's some kind of introvert. But that's really not the case, Kunsel is a strange, obnoxious-if-you-really-know-him, busybody of a guy. Which still doesn't quite explain how he knows as much as he does. I've never told him this, but the first few weeks I knew him, I thought he was stalking me.
But it doesn't make sense if I really think about it. People stalk men like Sephiroth, not second classes.
"Then how do you explain a SOLDIER with a helmet on who 'just bought the last set of barrettes?'"
"I…how…"
"I have sources. And I also happen to know a certain someone who's always wearing his helmet." Kunsel gets really quiet like he always does when someone mentions his freaky compulsion. Probably ninety percent of the seconds don't know what he face looks like, the other ten percent know what his whole nose looks like, and only three percent of that ten percent know the color of his eyes. I'm in that three percent. Which is still kind of sad considering how much time I spend with him.
"Fine you got me." He says.
"I knew it, that is the last time I go shopping with you, you asshole."
"Geez, can you keep it down? I swear, people are going to start thinking I'm a chick too."
"If you don't hand over the barrettes, I'm going to make you scream like one." Kunsel just stared at me.
"…you know what? That is the kind of shit that makes people think we're…you know…"
"…what?" Kunsel did some kind of strange pantomime.
"You know…"
"No, I don't."
"Getting it on, Zack. Hitting the sheets, the sack, whatever you want to call it."
"Oh right. Except for the fact that no one thinks that. I'm clearly getting it on with Sephiroth."
"Hey, I heard that one too, you sure get around in the rumor mill. What's he got that I don't got?"
"Hair and a pair of eyes. Back to the barrettes please."
"Hey, I only went shopping with you so I could get something nice for my girl too. It's not like you bought them, or even looked at them."
"What? You knew I was coming back to buy them. Fork em over, you can even name your price."
"I didn't think it was those!"
"Well it was, so…you have a girlfriend?"
"Well, not exactly. But I'm working on it. The barrettes were supposed to help." It was at this point that I think I realized I wasn't getting them back, and even on the off chance he still had them, I don't think I would've been able to take them. Almost as long as I've known him, he's had a thing for a certain ShinRa exec. He doesn't think anyone knows about that, but the truth is it's the one thing almost everyone does know about him.
"I gave them to her already, sorry man."
"You know what? Don't worry about it, I'm sure Aerith wouldn't mind some more ribbons."
"See you in basic?"
"Yeah." With that he closed his door, and suddenly I was alone again in the hall, barretteless. Four days until Christmas.
"So I guess you two are officially dating?" I jump at the voice, but I recognize it before I turn around. The question catches me completely off guard, because as a rule of thumb just to be extra careful, I generally don't talk about my girlfriend with Turks.
"What?"
"You and 'The Helmet.'" A wave of relief like no other washes over me. He's talking about Kunsel.
"Oh right." Reno looks at me strangely. "Yeah, but we're not official, so keep it quiet." He smiled and we started down the hall.
"Don't you think it's a little fast Fair?"
"Fast? You know I take it nice an' easy."
"Then what's the color of his hair?" No one knew that, as far as I knew. But as of late, Reno seemed to be obsessed with finding the face behind 'The Helmet.' I once thought Turks were or could be privy to just about anything if they tapped deep enough into…however the hell they knew all they knew. It really does border on freaky. I know for a fact that a girlfriend I had at fifteen is on file. Here. At ShinRa. But Reno had made no headway in his quest to see Kunsel's face. He never struck me as the kind of guy who would even care about something like that.
"I've known you for longer, and I don't even know the color of your hair." I say. We both know that as many rumors as there are about me and other men, there are many more about Reno's hair. All the talk makes me even more itchy than I already am for some real action.
"I'm a natural red Fair." He laughed, "Do you really think I'd actually be something as mundane as a brunette?" I laugh, because I don't think anyone but him would say something like that, and because it kind of makes sense in a very twisted way, my own hair color considered.
"Probably not." I say. We enter the elevator together.
"Because if you don't believe me, there are other ways to prove it." This is where it gets really hairy, pun unintended, because there are guys like me, who can appreciate another guy who's handsome or whatever, and even say it out loud. And then there are guys like Reno, who take it many steps further. There's a lot of joking around about sexual preference, a lot. Actually, there's a lot of joking around about sex in general, and in the midst of all of that there's this fuzzy area, where you can't quite be sure what and what isn't a joke. Reno lives in that area. Reno revels in that area, and enjoys making people uncomfortable from that cozy spot. Not me though, but he keeps on trying.
"Gaia, I know everyone and their mother wants a piece of this, but I already told you I'm taken."
"Don't flatter yourself Fair. I don't do brunette."
"What is your deal with that anyway? I'm telling you, you're missing out." There is this strange moment where Reno's eyes go a little dark.
"It's my preference."
"What do you prefer then? And how do you explain Rude?"
"He's bald, it doesn't count." That kind of shocks me, because I'd expected him to make a deflecting joke, or some kind of comment that denied the whole Reno and Rude thing. He didn't deny it. And he suddenly seemed serious. As in, heart attack serious.
"God help him if he decides to grow hair then." Now, I'm a little uncomfortable, because I have a feeling he really isn't joking around anymore. Here, on a Sunday morning in an elevator Reno chooses to step out of the fuzzy area in front of me. I wonder if he simply trusts me with this, or if he's just resorting to the last thing in his arsenal. It's not shocking that he's gay. It's more shocking because of all of his constant joking around, all of the feigning.
"God has nothing to do with it. He's a survivor, and there always a nice blonde around."
"So, you like blondes?"
"Bingo."
"Really? That seems too obvious for you."
"Yeah, I understand where you're coming from but think about it."
"About what?"
"Blondes."
"Oh, okay." The elevator music plays softly and uninterrupted for a few seconds.
"You see what I mean?"
"No, not really. I mean I like blondes too but not-"
"Reap the wheat when the sun shines through, golden haired, eyes so blue…?"
"You wrote that?"
"Nah, but it's pretty right? I don't really even like poetry."
"You do know all blondes don't have blue eyes."
"Obviously, Fair. But speaking of blue eyes, that cadet you hang around with…" My head whirls around almost on its own. I feel my muscles tighten, and I know it's something I have to work on. Mainly because Spike hates it when I get all overprotective. And I know how important it is for him to work things out on his own sometimes, how important it is for him to prove himself. And he is more capable of that than I think he even sees right now.
"What about him?" Easy Zack. I think Reno catches the undercurrent anyway. For once I kind of resent the insinuation in his eyes.
"Is he…"
"Single? Possibly. Gay, no." I've heard him mention a girl at home once or twice, but I don't think they're together. It's the only thing he really talks about like he talks about making first class. And yet I still don't know much. Truthfully, I'm not even sure about him being straight. I never really thought about it much, but when I do, I realize he is in the same fuzzy area Reno used to be in. Except he's there because he just doesn't talk very much. And I'm sure it helps that the kid is all obscenely kinds of pretty.
"Oh, well I guess I'm out of luck then." Which really sounds like, 'so what?' "You're taking this a lot better than I thought you would." He says.
"Listen, I'm well aware of how he looks Reno. But he's a lot tougher than he looks, and ten times smarter. You not going to get to him unless he wants you to, so all I really have to do is sit back and observe. And if I observe something out of whack, something that actually does happen to get passed him, I'll be right there to catch it." Reno raised one of his red eyebrows.
"God, your diplomacy kills me."
"God has nothing to do with it."
"Right, but I'll tell you what one day I'm gonna tell you what color your boyfriend's hair is."
"Why are you so interested in that?"
"Possibilities Zack."
"What? On the off chance his hair's blonde?" Reno laughs.
"You got it." The elevator opens and we both walk out, go our separate ways.
It's almost ten o clock, but it suddenly seems as if it shouldn't be that early. It feels like evening, and I go back to my own quarters. My roommate is still not up, and I go to the kitchen, which is completely trashed, and drink the one soda I have left in the fridge. SOLDIER quarters get increasingly better with rank, and I think back to the slabs of rock they called beds back in the cadet days, and the very limited space back in the third class days. The second class apartments have fridges and real beds, so it hard to imagine anything better.
But Angeal let slip that I might be moving up soon, so I guess I'll see. I don't feel like training, or sleeping. So I grab my coat and head out, it's cold under the plate. When I get to the church, she is there with the frozen dew on her flowers, shivering. I think for a second that maybe I ought to by her a coat instead for Christmas. But he coat is lying in the flowers not that far from her.
"Zack." She says, without even looking at me. When I'm away from her and I think about her, it's never the same as when I'm actually with her, seeing every time for myself that she really is different, special. When I'm closer to her, I guess I can almost understand why they're after her.
"You should have your coat on." I say. I sound like my mother. It's like she hears that last thought because she lowers her head and smiles in that way that always makes me feel like I left all my clothes at the door.
"It was getting warm." She gathers a bunch of her hair in her hand and pulls it over her shoulder. It's half in a braid, half out. I don't think I've ever seen her hair out. She shudders.
"Was it the voices again?" She looks up at me with eyes that wonder how I could possibly know that, before they go soft and more visibly green (trick of the light?) and she remembers that she's told me things. Things that kind of freak me the hell out, truthfully, make me scared for what could happen to her and make me wonder if she hears anything when she looks at me.
"Yes." She says, "They're just…a bit loud today." I go over and kneel by her.
"I guess a lot of people are kicking the bucket today?" I only realize when I've said stupid things like that after they're out of my mouth. But she surprises me, like she always does, and laughs.
"That's not all it is Zack." She takes my hand in hers. She has hands like a swordsman, rough palms and fingers. I'm guessing it's from all that gardening. "I don't know what'd I'd do if that was all it was."
"You could come to me."
"I know." She says in that way I know is purely for my benefit. It like she thinks she has to handle it all alone, that this thing is just too extra ordinary for me to truly handle. Sometimes I think she's right. We are already two very different people, and these voices, dead people, ancestors, it just sets us apart further, and it drives me crazy because there's really no way I can relate, and I want to take on everything for her, but I can't and she would never let me anyway.
I can see how easy it would be for her to not feel normal, and even though I don't think I'd change a thing about her, I've tried to make her feel less out of place. She's better at hiding it than anyone I know, but I know she wants to go out on trips above the plate, take a normal walk around, not worry about who she's gonna turn around and see when selling her flowers. I think about those pink barrettes, and I think about her wearing them with a new pink dress, somewhere above like the plate just like anyone else.
"You're different today." She says, leaning her head on my chest, and I can't help myself, I take her hair out all the way.
"Just tired." It's ten thirty in the morning. I want to tell her about Kunsel, who never takes his helmet off and make her laugh because it's a funny thing, but not as funny as it is sad. I want to tell her how sad I felt to see him answer the door in it. How even though I was breathing hard, and even though I wanted those barrettes really bad, they've started me on Mako like crazy now, and I could hear him inside looking desperately for his helmet before opening up. I want to tell her about Reno and how he jokes even more than the rest of us about things that are complete bullshit and still of incredible substance all the same. I want to tell her that if she thinks that I can't be serious, she should really meet Reno, because he never is. And I want to talk about an hour ago when he finally was and still treated it like a joke. And I want to tell her how screwed up it is that it never will be possible for her to meet him, just because she is who she is.
And…I want to tell her that Cloud followed me all over the place today. How I saw his blush and fear in a cute saleslady, how I thought of his silence and ridiculous self consciousness when Kunsel showed up at the door, how I genuinely threatened someone for the first time in my life because of him. And how even right now, I keep on thinking about wheat when the sun shines through, golden hair and eyes so insanely blue. And I don't really like poetry either.
I want to say everything to her, but I say nothing. Because it's just a lot to unload, and I know that I bitch a lot to myself about all the blocks between us, but here's one more. I think I'm working steadily towards one of my worst fears. That when she looks at me, she hears, she feels, nothing. And that maybe I'm the same.
Author's Note : I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a two-parter, so if you happened to make it through stick around? This one took a life completely of its own, it was just supposed to be a goofy drabblish thing. But then…yeah. Drop me a line if you read? And if you don't, thanks for reading anyway.