I do not own Harry Potter.

A/N: This is a joke. Don't get mad at me for bad grammar, plot holes, and generally bad writing because that's kind of the point. Enjoy the clichés of fanfiction that, at some point or another, I think we were all guilty of.

Harry Potter stepped onto the Hogwarts Express with his newly styled hair (it looked deliciously disheveled, instead of horridly messy as it used to) blowing elegantly in the wind that conveniently existed indoors. Although he had spent the whole of his summer shut up in his bedroom barely eating, he had grown at least six inches, making him taller than even his best friend, Ron Weasley, gained rock hard muscles, and had somehow acquired contacts. That's right; the Boy-Who-Lived was a sexy beast! Who cares if only last year his Godfather had died, causing him to fall into a deep depression and refuse to eat? He had played Quidditch, so it makes perfect sense that he would become a ripped hunky hottie. (Although the author wonders how sitting on a broomstick would provide someone with muscles.)

As Harry passed the compartments, searching for any of his friends, he noticed how all of the girls seemed breathless at his hunkiness. A few of them fainted. Harry of course, was so perfect that none of this fazed him; he was too modest and humble. Harry finally located his friends sitting in the last compartment on the train. He grinned as he climbed in. Inside sat Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, and his little sister, Ginny.

"What's up guys?" he said in his very sexy voice (which had deepened a few octaves during the summer), sitting next to Ginny.

"Just waiting for you," Hermione said, flipping her newly straightened and layered hair.

Harry grinned at her. "Your hair looks great, Hermione. In fact, so does that rest of you! You got curves and tanned and…did your teeth shrink? And Ron, did you play Quidditch this summer? Because it apparently gives the players really big muscles."

Ron flexed his arm as Hermione reapplied her makeup. "Yeah, a little," he nodded.

"I can tell," said Harry. He turned his head. "And Ginny…uh…have you…bought a new outfit?"

Ginny was currently wearing a low cut top that brought attention to her somehow enormous breasts, a denim miniskirt from Abercrombie, and bright red four-inch high heels. She looked like a… (Author wonders how to put this nicely…ah forget it) SLUT.

Ginny batted her eyelashes and moved closer to Harry. "Thanks for noticing." She started tracing her finger up his thigh. "So Harry, I was thinking…well, since I have obviously matured a lot during the summer and am now a slutty tramp, maybe we could go out or something."

Harry didn't have time to respond because at that moment, Draco Malfoy, who appeared to have, also, been playing Quidditch, spiked his usually sleek blonde hair (making him looks even MORE dreamy) and traded in his wizarding robes for a pair of casual dark jeans and a tight T-shirt with a muggle band that didn't exist yet covering the front, walked in the compartment's doorway. He was surprisingly alone, instead of being tailed by his elephant-like cronies. The author will later explain that Draco (first name basis, of course) had magically turned good and told Crabbe and Goyle to piss off. "Draco," Harry whispered, ignoring Ginny leaning on his shoulder. While watching the blond enter the compartment, Harry realized that even though they had been sworn enemies since first year, he was in love with him. Even though Draco was probably a Death Eater and had tortured Harry since they were first years, Harry couldn't help his attraction.

Harry locked eyes with Draco and, without giving an explanation, jumped up from his seat and pounced. He attacked the blond's lips and Draco, who had obviously seen the error of his ways and realized he too was in love with Harry, responded with vigor. They separated briefly to catch their breath.

"Oh Draco!" Harry exclaimed, ignoring Ginny's sounds of protest. "I always thought I was gay, but never had the courage to accept it! Oh Draco, I love you!" And they continued to snog on top of a crying Ginny for the remainder of the train ride.

Once they arrived at the Great Hall, Harry had to say goodbye to Draco as they went to sit at different tables. However, before he made it to his table, he was ambushed by an impossibly beautiful girl with straight black hair and green eyes.

"Harry!" the girl exclaimed. "I'm a transfer student from America. My name's Mary Sue."

Harry raised his eyebrows. "I didn't know Hogwarts took transfers."

The girl grinned. "Oh don't worry about that! But anyways, I had the highest grades in my old school, was a star Quidditch player, had tons of boyfriends and best friends, and everybody loved me! Oh, and I'm also your twin sister!"

Harry didn't blink. "Thought you looked familiar."

"Yeah!"

Before another word was said, Harry was pulled to his table by Ron.

"Hey mate," he said. He and Hermione looked at Harry warily. "Harry, we know you're probably upset about Sirius dying, but we want you to know that everything is going to be alright because Lupin is coming back to Hogwarts to teach DADA!" (And that's "DADA". Not Defense Against the Dark Arts because that would just be silly.)

"Really?" said Harry mildly. "That's good."

Again, before Ron could respond, Harry was ambushed by another girl. "Harry?" she asked. "Harry is it you?"

Harry nodded curiously.

The girl threw her arms around him and started sobbing. "Oh Harry! I'm your godmother! I was your mother's best friend, and I'm so sorry I haven't been in your life! Oh Harry!"

Harry sighed. "Nice to meet you."

Just then Snape…er…Severus danced by with a sexy blonde bombshell in his arms. "Be back later," he said with a grin.

Harry assumed that Severus had finally revealed his inner sex god.

"Oooh save room for me!" said Harry's godmother after she finished sobbing. She then proceeded to skip of after the Potions Master.

Harry turned his attention back to the conversation at the table. "HARRY POTTER!" He heard. Harry lifted his head and saw the Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore beckoning him over to the professor's table. He shrugged and walked towards him.

"Yes Sir?" he asked.

"Oh, Harry, I have big news! You're the heir of Godric Gryffindor! And I'm also your grandfather." Dumbldore looked at him expectantly. Harry raised his eyebrows.

"Really? Wow, that's exciting!"

Dumbledore nodded before turning to announce that the school would be having a Halloween masked ball this year because, as the main characters were going through puberty, it was essential that they have social interaction and having a dance was the only thing the author could think of.

Harry walked back to his table and noticed…a boy who looked exactly like him? Except for the hazel eyes…

"Who are you?" Harry asked the boy. The boy looked at him.

"I'm James, your father. I was in a time turner accident and ended up right here, in this spot, conveniently in the same year as you."

"Oh cool." Harry sat next to him. "Hey guess what?" he said.

"What?" said Hermione.

"Over the summer I mastered wandless magic, Occlumency, and Legilimency! Here, watch." He then levitated a fork without touching his wand.

"But how can you do that?" asked Hermione curiously.

Ron glared at her. "Because he's awesome!"

Hermione shrugged and nodded, accepting the answer.

"Well, I'm stuffed," said Harry. "See you later. I've got to visit my new grandfather, Dumbledore. Apparently he and Professor McGonagall are having a love affair. See you all later."

And the group lived happily ever after until Harry defeated Voldemort and went to live with Draco in a lake house and Hermione and Ron got married and Hermione wrote fifty-thousand books on hair straightening and Ginny became a prostitute and James went back to the past and comforted Lily when her parents died which made them fall in love and Snape got like seven STDs and Mary Sue became the most perfect amazing super-duper girl at Hogwarts and Harry's godmother fell in love with Lupin after Severus left her.

THE END

A/N: Like the last sentence? I do. Oh, and reviews are appreciated :)