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Song: Eyes On Me from the awesome RPG "Final Fantasy VIII"
Title:
Warnings: Angst, yoai, 1x2/2x1, narrative, er… some icky details on a wound
Rating: PG/PG-13ish
Archive?: Sure! Just lemme know!
Feedback: Certainly! (and shamelessly begged for) C&C always appreciated!
By: Shinigami Goddess (Lionna)
Started: July 6, 2000 Completed: July 6, 2000
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*****
Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
*****
It's always so very quiet. Even in a school like this where the other 'kids my age' are always acting off and
seem to be on a sugar-high 24-hours-a day; it's still silent for me. I ignore unwanted details and noise and
the like. Henceforth there's silence.
Nothing is worth paying attention to here. Of course I'm always monitoring for any danger, that's what
soldiers do. Having no roommate holds off the distractions so on weekends like this I can get things done
easily and quickly. My problem occurs when my work is done. Missions are often slow… the one thing that
the scientists are actually 'kind' about is giving each of us enough time to recover.
Sometimes I hate it. I need to be in motion. Otherwise I think. Or I talk. My thoughts go unheard in this
empty room. I could say anything and still get no response. I'm always alone here. I've gotten used to it.
*****
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
*****
Some days I can't stand being locked up in the dorm so I go outside to lay back on one of the hills full of
grass. The night skies are beautiful and shining at me always. I can talk to the stars, at times, and that's
something. At least I can pray that someone hears me; that someone listens to guilt-filled stories and naïve
dreams.
I'm always thought to be the best on the team but how can I be when I still dream like this? The others
have excuses to still dream. I don't. I'm not supposed to dream. Why don't the stars answer? Doesn't…
anyone at all hear me?
*****
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
*****
I transferred to a new school the other day and was mildly annoyed to find out one of the others was in the
same place. After classes he came up and clapped me on the back, greeting me with all the normal joking
cheer. I don't understand why he pretends to be a gentle, open guy. He's as much of a bastard as the rest
of us.
I turned to go away but he called my name so I turned back briefly. For a moment his face was clear of
emotion, he smiled then, softly and truly, and told me to ask for anything and he'd be there. He
disappeared then. I had to wonder if it was reality or a dream.
*****
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar
*****
He's always hanging there in the corner of my mind and I see him constantly off to the side in my classes.
It's almost as if he's become an obsession; that's rather disturbing to think of.
But he's just always there… in some corner of my senses.
*****
My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
*****
The mission outline looked grim, even with all of us fighting. I doubted if all five of us would make it back.
Something struck me then and I realized that I couldn't let any of the others perish. This wasn't a life they
needed to stay with. I had options, my self-destruct wasn't the only way out; that wasn't going to do much
damage anyhow, besides encouraging Oz troops with one fallen enemy. No… I had another plan to outline
that night.
As I began to work, the sun set and I began to realize that the night could be my last to catch a few
glimpses of true smiles. I faltered momentarily. Something that had become a constant would be gone.
Then again, I too would be gone. I went back to work.
*****
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
*****
He came to my room a while after midnight. He looked sleepy but obviously hadn't gone to bed yet. He
stared hard at the papers I had laid out before me; I made no attempt to hide them. He'd find out soon
enough anyhow. He started yelling at me, screaming that I was stupid to be throwing my life away. I
started to argue but he just slapped me.
I was stunned as he continued to shout at me. I could swear there was a light trace of liquid flinging from
his eyes. He slapped me again and I was caught off guard for a second time. I fell to the floor and stared
up at him. He was trembling and vainly covering his face with his hands. I still could hear the sobs.
*****
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
*****
I sat there, silent as I stared at him; wondering why in the universe he was crying… over… me. Me of all
people. I was only needed for war and the missions. That's it. Ninmu ryoukai, ninmu kanryou: my life in
three words. [1]
But… I could remember feeling a gaze resting on my shoulders from time-to-time. Those violet-blue orbs
staring at me with questions and hopes. His hopes…
My… friend… my first friend in a long time… maybe my first friend ever…
*****
Oh, did you ever know?
That I had mine on you
*****
I stared up at him, still holding my aching jaw. He was still crying. I felt my eyes soften as I sighed. He
didn't even realize that I had looked at him before for the strength to get through some of the tougher
times. If only he'd look long enough to find his gaze returned…
*****
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
*****
Finally he removed his hands to show wet eyelashes, other than that he had his face trained to show no
signs of crying. I had to admire him for that. Watching him silently I think he read some of my answers in
my eyes. He looked stressed for a moment but finally just turned and left. He still didn't accept my plan, I
know, but at least he understood it better… and just maybe I'd make it out alive… for him…
*****
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
*****
The morning came with a bright sun and a huge smile from him. He didn't show any signs of remembering
the night before, I knew he was just ignoring it. He never showed the world that he could be hurt or
melancholy. He'd slipped up with me many times… I wonder if I ought to be honored.
*****
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
*****
He headed up the huge metal, battle suit and I watched him for a few moments. I called up to him and he
looked down at me with a questioning look. I hesitated and then told him to work his best in the mission,
that maybe I could still make it through. I saw a faint, genuine smile as he nodded. He said something but
it was too quiet for me to hear.
When I see the true emotions on his face I know he's not some naïve boy who's playing the guise of a
soldier. I understand that he knows what he's doing. I know he isn't a dreamer. He'll have dreams, but he's
not so ignorant as to believe all wishes will come true.
*****
So let me come to you
Close as I wanted to be
*****
The battle dragged on for so very long… I lost all track of time and everything. I felt almost detached… or
like the machine I was controlling. I didn't hear any of the transmissions the others sent to me and I never
paid attention to any pain trickling in my body. In the end we managed to get Oz to retreat… that's all that
truly mattered. I was still out-of-body and simply moved robot-like to follow the others. We couldn't return
to school immediately, we were supposed to sum up our report and rest for a few days. It just meant more
socializing to do.
It wasn't until I landed and began to unbuckle the safety harness that I realized I had been wounded. I
paused. The cockpit was open but I couldn't move. My left leg felt crushed and I realized that a sticky,
crimson was dripping from the mid-thigh. I stared in morbid fascination at the wound. I couldn't feel my left
arm at all, actually, it was completely numb. It seemed oddly placed, the way I had it set over the controls
still. I didn't look any further up than my bloodied hand. I suddenly just wished for someone to be with me.
He appeared in the opening of the cockpit. His face contorted ugly and I saw he was biting back nausea
from the smell of blood. That was getting to me too. I think I asked for him to help me for his features
turned surprised. I felt so weak at that point… I just wanted some help… a loving touch… something to
know that I did want this world I had been cursed to.
*****
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
*****
He dragged me out while I kept the pain to myself. The others were stunned, the blonde hurriedly
preparing medical supplies. The tall gymnast helped to carry me into our temporary hideout; they laid me
on the bed.
My leg hurt as they cleaned it out and then set the broken bones in place. I bit the inside of my cheek until
it bled. The Chinese boy that I didn't know well set my shoulder into place, I didn't feel it; it was still too
numb. I saw all of them except the gymnast stop themselves from puking at the sight of the rest of my
arm. I didn't even want to think of it but I knew that I had to look. The skin was peeled away for much of
my upper arm. Muscle, veins, and tissue revealed themselves in grotesque brilliant red. I wanted to faint.
Ever so slowly, the European known as Trowa cleaned the mess. I was eternally grateful that I couldn't feel
my arm. He very slowly bandaged my arm, then said that he was going to find out what they should do for
the wound. There was no way we'd get it to stop bleeding until a while from now.
They departed the room as a group. I stopped the American who had slapped me the night before. He
paused and stared at me with mixed emotions on his face. I opened my mouth to speak but he came over
on his own accord. He sat on the edge of the bed and then slowly slid down to lay on his side, staring at
me. He looked pained. I gazed back at him and could see lingering tears. I asked him not to cry again.
*****
And stay there as I whisper
How I loved your peaceful eyes on me
*****
It took me a while to let myself begin talking to him. I asked him if he wanted to leave but he replied no. I
paused again and told him that I wanted to know why he was always looking at me. I asked him if I really
was a friend.
There were long, breathless moments before he replied. He turned on his back and replied in soft tones. He
told me that he wanted to… help me. That he wanted to understand me, find out my past… why I was who
I was.
I told him to stop speaking, and that I wanted him to continue trying. He stared at me in shock.
*****
Did you ever know?
That I had mine on you
*****
He questioned if I'd had some pain medication. I assured him I didn't, wincing at the pain in my leg. He
apologized but still looked stunned. I finally reached my good hand up and touched his soft cheek. He didn't
move, holding his breath. I smiled very softly and whispered that I had been watching him too. He seemed
confused.
I felt the sleep coming to me and had to brush off his questioning gaze so that I could rest.
*****
Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
*****
The next time I awoke I was not sure of the time. I found that he was still lying there, beside me, on his
side. He was asleep and looked incredibly delicate. The edges of my lips twitched. I wondered if the true
cheer he found at times was plentiful enough to share with me. I wanted to know how he could be so
strong… how he could want to help someone like me. I wanted him to teach me the things I didn't know.
*****
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
*****
I wished to know his past. Perhaps I could help him. I could share in his past pains, perhaps, and maybe
relieve the tears that fell. He needed help just as much as I did. I think we both had demons to face…
hopefully we could face them together.
*****
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice?
*****
As I stared at his sleeping face I wondered if he still saw me for the assigned name of Perfect Soldier. I
wasn't the perfect one, I believe that title fits Trowa better. He remains emotionless until the bitter end…
only once did he give way and that was when that girl he works with yelled at him for trying to self-
destruct. Since then, he's as closed off as ever. I guess I sometimes admire that.
I still have to wonder if all that we see of one another is the costumes and masks we wear. We play with
our own minds and refuse to tell our true stories. Could he ever see past the Perfect Soldier?
*****
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming
Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
*****
He began to stir and I waited for him to awaken. He blinked when he found himself staring into my eyes. I
saw a hint of red spread across his cheeks; the blush was appealing on his fair skin.
I clasped my right hand with his for a brief moment. He stared at me in confusion and I forced myself to
smile briefly. I think he thought he was dreaming, I hoped I convinced him that he wasn't. My arm was
finally starting to hurt and I had to bite back a moan. It stung and cut… I couldn't describe the feeling. It
was just… too overpowering. If I had been delirious I would have sworn I was dying it hurt so bad. My arm
was on fire, being ripped to shreds by knifes… the sensations hit me repeatedly without pause.
Suddenly he jumped up and called for the others, he must have seen my pain. He turned back with a
worried look. He stared at my arm for a long time as the others rushed to the room.
*****
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
*****
He stood by silently with a blank look as Trowa removed the bandages to reveal the horribly sight. Being
prepared, he had me hold a wooden strip in my mouth. I wanted to protest that I didn't need it but as he
began to clean the wound I bit hard and let out a groan. The pain was blinding. Trowa began to work at the
wound and I eventually let myself faint, I figured that he now knew what to do and that it would take a
while. I didn't want to have to feel the pain.
*****
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer
*****
The pain woke me up. He was sitting beside the bed this time and watching me carefully. He gave me a
smile as I trailed my eyes along his face. He mentioned that I had been asleep for a few days and that he'd
get me something to eat along with painkillers. I muttered a thanks as he left.
Once he was through the door I wondered how long he'd been waiting for me – if he even had. I was
wondering what was between us, something was tugging in my chest when I thought about him. He was
the first friend I'd had for so long. But when I remembered friendship it wasn't quite like this.
He returned with a tray and carefully helped me up. It was a slow and painful process to get me sitting but
we managed. I felt too weak to hold anything so he fed me. First off he made sure I had taken the
medication he had brought in. I made a face as he pushed the pills between my lips. His face was pink as
he pulled his fingers away and held the glass of water to my lips. I studied him as I swallowed.
He spoon-fed me the soup and then offered some of the other food on the plate. I was rather hungry and
ended up eating most of the food on the tray. He set the empty thing aside and then sat beside me again.
We were silent.
Finally he began to tell me that I would be out of the missions for a while because of my bad injuries. I
asked what had happened in the battle, he was stunned that I didn't know. I calmly explained that I had
somehow detached myself. Hesitantly he began a detailed explanation of the violent battle. I ended up
being quite glad that I hadn't been paying physical attention to it, I'm not sure I would have survived
otherwise.
After he explained the battle he asked why I had been… 'watching' him as I had said before I had first fallen
asleep. I turned away, not sure I could trust my thoughts. A hand rested on my shoulder and I turned to
find him smiling at me. "Don't worry. I'll wait," he said. Then he stood and took the tray, leaving the room. I
watched his retreating back.
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Yes it is a lame place to leave off and I know it! :P My inspiration ran dry
[1] Count it: ninmu (1), ryoukai (2), kanryou (3)
[General notes] I know there's quite a few comments here that get everyone's hentai minds
going but PLEASE remember this is Hee-chan's view and in this story, at least, he's innocent of
all those hentai things! . Duo… is another story. ::laughs::
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