Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. I also don't own this story because I got it off another website.
Nearly 100 Ways to Annoy Edward
1. Prance around the house singing Madonna's 'Like a virgin' at the top of your lungs every loud when Bella is around to hear it.
2. Running it by Charlie that Edward has been 'sleeping' with Bella for the past 2 years, at the wedding reception.
3. Smear your blood all over his new car freshener. Blame it on Jacob.
4. Program his locker to—whenever he opens it to sing (LOUDLY) YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS, SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! HERE WE GO NOW! YOU AND ME BABY WE AIN'T NOTHING BUT MAMMALS SO LETS DO IT LIKE WE DO ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL! GET bobba NOW! And repeat. Over and over and over.
5. Ask him where babies come from. Tell him he's stupid when he won't answer your question.
6. For his birthday give him a $100 McDonalds gift card, and get offended when he tells you he doesn't eat food.
7. Ask him why he likes watching Bella sleep. Call him a pervert.
8. Replace his ringtone with 'Outta my head' by Asheele Simpson. Make sure he can't change it.
9. Color on all his Bella pictures with permanent to replace them.
10. Ask him to be a vampire with you for Halloween.
11. Take him to Victoria's Secret with Alice.
12. Constantly remind him that he almost lost Bella to a DOG.
13. Picture yourself with no clothes and covered in blood. Ask him if he wants him a liar when he says no.
14. Tell him Bella's in love with Mike and she has been 'doing' things with him. Tell him you were kidding once he murders Mike.
15. Ask him if Charlie is secretly a unicorn.
16. Make him watch the 'Twilight' movie.
17. Ask him if he thinks Robert Pattinson is hot. When he says no, tell him he has low self esteem issues.
18. Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob. Train the dog to follow him everywhere. P.S. Make sure he doesn't eat it.
19. Ask him why he's not as hot as Robert Pattinson.
20. Ask him if he's ever done it. When he says no, take a picture of him and tape it to the 40 year old virgin movie poster.
21. Make him watch 'Hairspray' with you. Ask him why he's not as hot as Zac Efron. When he says that he is, ask him why he wasn't the star of the singing high school people.
22. Nail his CDS to the ceiling along with his stereo.
23. Start singing 'Paper cut' around him constantly.
24. Tell him that Paul imprinted on him.
25. Glue pictures of Jacob all over his walls.
26. Take his pulse and call 911 when you 'discover' he doesn't have any.
27. When you 'discover' he's a vampire, throw holy water on him and shout,"The power of Christ compels you!"
28. Make a lifelike Bella dummy (with Bella audio) and throw it into a fire.
29. Bake him a birthday cake with 107 candles and make frequent jokes about him being "over the hill"
30. Whenever he gets mad at you for annoying him so much, turn to the nearest person and go,"Don't worry, its just his time of the month."
31. Volunteer him for a blood drive.
32. Ask him what Hogwarts was like and why he didn't just eat Voldy. (Voldemort. The bald guy who wants to kill Harry.)
33. Paint his piano neon pink. Refuse to buy a new one.
34. Get a shock collar with sequins on it and have Emmett put it on Edward. Give Jacob the remote.
35. Tell him Alice saw that if he wanted to blend in with humans, he had to wear matching pink liquid eyeliner and nail polish.
36. Paint his Vanquish Pepto Bismol pink.
37. Every time he walks near you jump in front of the nearest car and scream "Save me Edward!"
38. Follow him around concentrating really hard on songs from shows such as 'Barney' and 'The Wiggles'.
39. Challenge him to a breath holding contest and accuse him of cheating.
40. Tell Aro that Edward would like to set up a ball room dancing class with him and the rest of the volturi.
41. Dye his hair blue and give him round black sunglasses and threaten to hide Bella if he doesn't wear them to school.
42. Blindfold him and take him to a tanning salon.
43. Jump out of corners and proceed to beating him with large planks of wood every ten minutes
Sit in his room and stare at him for hours. When he demands why you're staring at him tell him that you're not leaving until he falls asleep. When he tells you he can't sleep, threaten that Santa won't come if he stays awake.
44. Spray cheese into his mouth and force him to swallow it, all the while yelling, "WHAT'S WRONG EDWARD, DON'T YOU LIKE THE CHEEEEEEEESE?
45. Make him a shirt that says "I Like Humans - I Don't Eat Them". Force him to wear it.
46. Make him drive you to La Push so you can jump back and forth on the boundary line screaming "Vampire Land!" "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land!" "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land! "Werewolf Land!" "Vampire Land!" etc
47. Make him watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire'. Mouth the word "Cedward!" in his general direction.
48. Paint his Volvo pink and write "I love Jacob" all over it
49. Sing "It's a Small World" over and over in your head and follow him around.
50. Give his number to Jessica, and tell her he's interested.
51. Ask him about Bella's eighteenth birthday party.
52. Just think of the color black when he's around so he thinks he can't read your mind either.
53. Take every picture of him and draw fangs on them.
54. Watch 'Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire' and cry hysterically screaming "No Edward!" when Cedric dies.
55. Refer to him as "Eddie".
56. Prank call him saying you have kidnapped Bella and will only accept his Volvo as ransom.
57. Ask him where he buys his contact lenses. Daily. For about, ooh, a year.
58. Eye him suspicously every time he walks past, gripping a crusifix and throwing strings of garlic around your neck.
59. Sing "I Know A Song That'll Get On Your Nerves" in your head continually, over and over again, he'll go insane in less then three hours guarenteed.
60. Come to school wearing dark robes, red/black contacts, and white makeup. Go up to Edward. Claim to be from the Volturi, and ask him where Bella is.
61. Get Carlisle to have "The Talk" with him.
62. Offer to put mountain lions on the endangered species list.
63. Run around the school with flyers that say "Save the Mountain Lion!"
64. Tell him Darth Vader is his father
65. Make Bella president of the 'La Push Cliff Diving Society'.
66. Randomly run up with a stake yelling "Die, fiend!"
67. Superglue Bella's window shut.
68. In front of Nessie, say aren't you glad you didn't kill the little brat.
69. Remind him that Jacob and Nessie are eventually going to...well you know.
70. Say, "Wow, you lost your virginity at 107 and your daughter is going to lose hers at 7 to the guy who was in love with your wife."
71. Go up to him and say "Humans are friends, not food." Continue to think this throughout biology class.
72. Purposely slice your finger open from a piece of paper then wave it in his face and squeel, "EDDIE! KISS IT BETTER!"
73. Every time you take a picture of him, ask him if he'll show up when you print it out.
74. Before you print it out, photoshop it so he doesn't show up in it out and show it to him.
75. Continually poke him with a pencil muttering quietly about how it's the closest thing to a wooden stake you can get.
76. For his birthday, buy him spray-on tan.
77. Challenge him to an eating contest and bet all of his money that you'll win.
78. Whenever he comes near you, eye him suspiciously and put a scarf around your neck.
79. Cover his yard with "Beware of Vampire" signs.
80. Make an "I love Jacob" website and say Bella made it.
81. Write a long, detailed, novel about how the werewolves destroy the vampire race.
82. Tell him over and over again, "Nessie loves a werewolf. AKA The guy who was in love with your wife!"
83. Tell him that Nessie is Jaspers daughter.
84. Make him watch 'Ed, Edd, and Eddy' with you. Continually ask him "Which one are you in there Eddie? Is it him, him him... etc?"
85. Everytime he goes swimming (or refers to it), sing as loudly as you can, "Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming!" over and over again. (Ah-ha! Another 'Finding Nemo' reference. :P) 86. Whenever he's near you, think of either Bella doing things Jacob, or Jasper, or even Emmett, or Nessie doing things with Jacob.
I just love this! I laugh everytime I read it. Tell me what you think and which one were your faves! R&R please!
Thanks to the lovely people who gave their ideas:
85 belongs to Tianna M.V.A.
86 belongs to RememberForgetting