Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 2
Airdate: September 29, 2018
"Y2RK"
Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax, Patton Oswalt as The Narrator/Adult Adam, Sean Giambrone as Adam F. Goldberg, Wendi McLendon-Covey as Beverly Goldberg, Troy Gentile as Barry Goldberg, Jeff Garlin as Murray Goldberg, George Segal as Albert "Pops" Solomon
#TYH626
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
One afternoon, RK walks inside Wade's house looking for his best friend.
RK: Hey Wade? Big Wade? Wade Love? Where are you, man?
RK scratches his head and goes inside the kitchen.
RK: Eh, he's probably in the bathroom or something.
RK opens the refrigerator looking for a snack and ends up finding a bottle of AriZona iced tea inside.
RK: Hey, this is the iced tea I left at his place last weekend. Wade told me I finished it. Oh no, we're gonna have to talk about this.
RK takes the bottle of iced tea and runs upstairs. He then walks inside Wade's bedroom.
RK: Wade, you and I need to have a serious talk about...OH MY GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Cut to Wade currently in the process of taking apart his time machine.
WADE: Right now, I'm wondering why you didn't bother to knock before coming in here.
RK: Yeah, yeah, we'll deal with that, but what's this?! You're destroying the time machine?!
WADE: Apparently.
RK: Wade, this is unacceptable. How dare you take this thing apart without running it past me? This is sick. This is perverted, this is, this is...taboo.
WADE: RK, don't you think I have the right to destroy my own creation?
RK: I mean, you do, man, but this is the time machine. We have so many memories stored up in that bad boy. It was what started the RK & Wade era.
WADE: Well, it's not like I just woke up this morning and decided to get rid of it. I've been thinking about this for weeks. I just feel like there's no use in having it around anymore and it's time to focus on my other inventions.
RK: Like what?
WADE: Well, the Body Swap. I haven't used that in a long time. Or my teleportation device. Or my, um...my instant bacon maker.
Beat.
RK: You poor, poor autumn child.
WADE: Look, I don't have to explain myself to you. I know this machine meant something to you, but at the end of the day, it's my call.
RK: You're right, Wade. I shouldn't be telling you what you should do with your creation. But what if I could float an idea by you?
WADE: Okay, I'm listening.
RK: Look, you don't want the time machine around anymore because you think it's useless. But what if I could find another use for it? Then would you think about rebuilding it?
WADE: That can be arranged. Alright, man, if you can find one perfectly good reason for me to have this time machine, I'll rebuild it.
RK: Great. Just you wait, Wade. This machine ain't going anywhere.
RK starts to leave, but then turns back around.
RK: By the way, Wade, would you like to talk about why my iced tea has been sitting in your fridge for a week?
Beat.
WADE: You're so handsome.
SCENE 2
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, RK is eating ice cream with the rest of the guys, minus Wade.
RK: It's crazy, guys. I just walked in on him destroying it. I bet after I left, he started laughing about it.
JAYLYNN: Wow. It's like the end of an era.
RK: You mean, the RK & Wade era?!
JAYLYNN: I guess you could say that?
SPARKY: So what happens now? You and Wade are never traveling through time again?
RK: Not exactly. If I can find a perfectly good reason to keep the time machine around, Wade said he would put it back together. But I have to make sure it's really good. This has to be like, an automatic top five RK Jennings signature moment.
BUSTER: Don't worry, RK. You'll figure something out. Meanwhile, I have to figure out this history report. Hey Sparky, you think you could look over my paper again?
SPARKY: Sure.
RK: History report? In the summer? Oh, I get it. You're trying to get some extra credit with Mr. Frax. I like your initiative, Buster.
BUSTER: Initiative?
JAYLYNN: Dude, he's talking about the history report Mr. Frax assigned us at the end of the school year.
RK: I don't remember that. It was probably some weird dream you had.
SPARKY: We were all sitting there in the classroom when he assigned it. You don't remember? A few days before the last day of school?
RK: I usually block out the last couple weeks of school to maintain my sanity. Let me try to remember.
RK closes his eyes and puts his index fingers on opposite sides of his head in an attempt to remember. Fade to black. Fade into the moment in Mr. Frax's classroom when he assigns the history paper.
MR. FRAX: Now, this history report will help me assess how much you've learned from my class this year and what you're going to need help with next year. For this assignment, I want you all to select any particular year in history and write about why you would want to go back to that year.
Cut to RK nodding along with a smile on his face.
RK (V.O.): Yeah, summer. I love me some summer. What the hell is Mr. Frax talking about? Oh, the paper thing. Pffft, like I'm gonna do it. I'm RK, are you kidding me? You would have thought I did it. Like me writing papers is the thing to do. HA! I really need to think about what I'm doing this summer. Buster's birthday is coming up. I could take him to Chuck E. Cheese's! Of course! Anna is so hot, I swear. How did I get so lucky pulling her? I have a lot to be thankful for. This Thanksgiving, I'm going to kill it during the toast. Wait, what's happening? Where am I? WHAT IS THIS SHIT?!
Fade to black. Fade into the present day where RK is finished remembering.
SPARKY: So are you done trying to remember?
RK: Yeah, I know what you're talking about. But as you would expect, I'm not planning on writing any paper.
JAYLYNN: RK, you know you can't get away with it this time.
RK: Why? What's the difference between this and all the other reports I never bothered to do?
SPARKY: If you don't do this one, you're going to automatically start with a failing grade for the year. You'll be behind everyone else, and Mr. Frax might suggest you start taking third grade history again.
RK: Wait, what? He can't do that!
BUSTER: Yeah, he can't do that! Wait, can he?
SPARKY: Yes.
BUSTER: It looks like he can.
RK: This is awful. I can't believe you guys never told me that I had to do this paper.
JAYLYNN: We were just talking about it last week! And when we asked you about it, all you said was that you needed time to create.
RK: I do need time to create! That's why I end up writing the best reports in the group.
SPARKY: No, you don't.
Beat.
RK: I'm starting to get the feeling you guys genuinely hate me.
SCENE 3
Seattle Public Library - Bottrell
Interior History Book Section
Seattle, Washington
RK is looking through various history books while Buster watches him.
RK: My back's against the wall now, Buster. I have this report, I still have to find a way to save the time machine, and I didn't even eat breakfast this morning.
BUSTER: How is that a problem?
RK: Oh, it's not. I just wanted to say that. I can't go back to third grade, man. Those kids were all stupid and gross. Plus, I had a crush on this one girl that couldn't stand me. It made it really awkward whenever she looked at me during recess.
BUSTER: But you were in the third grade with us.
RK: That's how I know I don't want to go back there. Okay, what year could make a really good report? What about 2014? The Seahawks took home the Super Bowl that year.
BUSTER: Oh, that's my report. I'm actually going to open it up by talking about that.
RK: Damn you. Well, it's not the end of the world. I just have to think about the best years in history. When did World War II start?
BUSTER: I dunno.
RK: What about when the Civil Rights Act was signed?
BUSTER: No clue.
RK: Okay, well, when did...
BUSTER: You're asking me questions that can be answered by Google. I mean, we're not living in 2000, you know.
RK: Buster, the internet was around in 2000.
BUSTER: It couldn't have been that good if they didn't have smartphones.
RK: You millenials. Wait a minute, hold the phone, stop the presses! 2000 could be the year for my report!
BUSTER: Really?
RK: Yeah, it's perfect. That was the start of a new decade, a new century, a new millennium. It was when technology was going to take its next steps into the future. It's when life was going to get better for everyone.
BUSTER: So why didn't it?
RK: I don't know. Bush? Iraq? The start of the Patriots dynasty?
BUSTER: Of course, it was the Patriots' fault!
SCENE 4
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is writing in his notebook when KG walks downstairs.
KG: What's up, bro?
RK: Nothing much. Just doing my homework.
KG: Yeah, and I'm cheating on Denise with every member of Fifth Harmony.
RK: Dude, they're not even a group anymore. And even if they were, they would be called Fourth Harmony.
KG: Regardless, it doesn't make what either of us said true.
RK: I am doing homework, man. Mr. Frax gave us this bogus history report to do this summer and if I don't turn it in on the first day of school, they might put me back in third grade history.
KG: Damn. Remember that girl that hated you?
RK: Yeah, I love bringing back traumatic moments from my past.
KG: So what have you done so far in your report?
RK: Well, Mr. Frax wants us to talk about what year we would want to travel back in time to, and I chose 2000. So I made up a list of pros and cons to that year. For pros, I have stuff like Eminem, the Mariners almost going to the World Series, SpongeBob making classics, and the rise of the internet.
KG: What about cons?
RK: Let's see. Britney Spears, pedophiles in online chat rooms, Bush getting elected, the end of TGIF, and an all-New York World Series.
KG: You know, you could think beyond sports and entertainment.
RK: I just mentioned Bush. I'm not staying away from politics. But I don't know, man. 2000 just sounds like a bunch of hype.
KG: Well, keep doing research. I know you'll find things to make a great report.
RK: Thanks, bro. See you later.
KG: Dude, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just on my way to the kitchen.
RK: Oh. Well, get what you're after and hit the bricks, you...you weirdo.
SCENE 5
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK and Buster are watching TV together later that night.
RK: Buster, I'm happy you came over. You're the only person I know that likes The Goldbergs.
BUSTER: What's not to like? They don't even have to take pauses whenever they talk.
RK: I know, it's like one long, never-ending conversation.
NARRATOR (V.O.): It was September 29, 1980-something when my mom was making her signature Goldberg chili. It was the most delicious chili this side of Philadelphia. But it had a secret ingredient, and when I got old enough, my mom promised me that I would be the first in the family to find out what it was.
ADAM: Alright, Mom, lay it on me. I'm ready for that secret ingredient.
BEVERLY: Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I don't know what you're talking about.
ADAM: The secret ingredient to your Goldberg chili? We just talked about this last night. I've been marking down my calendar for weeks, I'm even wearing my special "Chili Day" T-shirt in neon green text. You can't ignore the neon green text, Mom!
BEVERLY: Look, shmoo, I know I said I would reveal the secret ingredient to you, but I think I made a mistake telling you something that I clearly had no intention of following through on.
ADAM: This is an outrage. I'm going to discover that secret ingredient by any means necessary!
BEVERLY: Oh, you don't want to find out some old secret ingredient. Isn't the mystery more exciting? The fact that I made something so special, you and me can bond over it well into your adult years?
ADAM: No, that just sounds pointless and pathetic.
Barry walks into the kitchen.
BARRY: Wait, what does that shirt say? "Chili Day?" Oh, man, did you fall for Mom telling you the secret ingredient thing?
ADAM: I wouldn't say fell for, more like had a verbal contract ripped up.
BARRY: She did the same thing to me and Erica when we were your age, bro. But you're going to pay, Mom. I'm going to find out that secret ingredient, create my own chili, and have parties with Michael Jackson's chimpanzee in my new L.A. mansion.
Murray also walks into the kitchen.
MURRAY: Whatever you morons are going on about, enough of it. I'm trying to enjoy this Eagles game and the last thing I need to hear is you guys whining about some chili.
POPS: To Bev's credit, it is a wonderful chili. But you boys will never find out that secret ingredient.
ADAM: Pops, how come you've been sitting there this whole time without saying anything?
POPS: I was just waiting for my chance to talk.
RK: Man, I wonder what life would be like in the 1980s.
BUSTER: Don't you already live life in the eighties?
RK: No, this would be serious. Actually going back in time and...wait a minute. Why didn't I think of this sooner?
BUSTER: Dude, what's going on?
RK: Look, I have a history report to do, right?
BUSTER: Yeah.
RK: And Wade's not bringing back that time machine until I give him a good reason, right?
BUSTER: Of course.
RK: Well, I think I just found that reason.
BUSTER: Other than traveling back in time to 2000, I don't see what other ideas you could have.
RK: That's exactly my idea. I go back in time with Wade to 2000 to see everything up close in the living flesh. It will save the time machine and get me my first A-plus on an assignment since...since I was born, I guess.
BUSTER: That's a genius idea.
RK: I know, right? Automatic top five RK Jennings signature moment. And you know what? This has been a long time coming, but I think you're ready. You're coming with us.
BUSTER: Really? Why?
RK: Well, I did say I owed you one a long time ago.
BUSTER: When?
RK: Remember the time you stood up for me when Jaylynn thought I stole her slice of pizza?
BUSTER: But you did steal it.
RK: And you put your ass on the line anyway. That took balls. Besides, if this is the last time we're using that time machine, why not do something completely unexpected?
BUSTER: Well, RK, I'm honored to be a part of the legendary team. Damn, I can't believe this. It's like getting to write a song with Taylor Swift herself!
RK: You almost ruined it. I'm in a good enough mood that you didn't ruin it completely. Now all I have to do is pitch my idea to Wade and we'll be getting the green light. Shouldn't take me more than five minutes.
SCENE 6
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, RK and Buster are in Wade's living room pitching the time travel idea.
WADE: No, absolutely not. I don't endorse or support this idea.
RK: Give me one good reason as to why we can't do this.
WADE: I have no interest in it. That's the reason.
BUSTER: You know, RK, you said it would only take five minutes, but it feels more like nine.
RK: Look, Wade, you're not seeing the big picture here. You made that time machine for a reason. You wanted to see what life was like before you were born. You wanted to fix mistakes, you wanted to experience things that people said you weren't good enough to experience. But somewhere along the way, you dropped the ball.
WADE: I dropped the ball?!
RK: Yeah. I mean, sure, we helped Jaylynn pass her history test, but what else did we really do with it? You got bored. You gave up on that bad boy, you lost your sense of adventure. You're ashamed of that machine which is why you had to get rid of it.
WADE: RK, I...I was never ashamed. I loved building that thing.
RK: Then prove it. Prove that there's more to that time machine than what we did with it. Prove that you care about your greatest creation. Do it one more time and take me to 2000 so I can bring home an A-plus paper.
WADE: You know what, RK? You're on. One night only, we're going back in time.
RK: HELL YEAH, THE BOYS ARE BACK! Oh yeah, Buster's coming along too.
WADE: What? Oh, no way, I'm out.
RK: Come on, I'm not making another emotional speech like that. How much energy do you think I have?
WADE: Look, I don't have anything against Buster.
BUSTER: You could fool me.
WADE: But this is our thing, RK. The time machine is part of our history. If this is the last time we're ever going to use it, it has to be done the only way we know how to do it. If you tried bringing Sparky or Jaylynn, I would have the same reaction.
BUSTER: Well, so much for being part of the legendary team.
RK: I'm sorry, Buster. And I'm also sorry, Wade, that you had to take it there. Because now, you've forced my hand.
WADE: What are you talking about?
RK: Remember on my birthday when you gave me a special present?
WADE: No, don't do this to me. Don't throw it back at me.
RK: Oh, I'm throwing it back.
RK pulls out a mysterious card from his pocket.
RK: It's very simple, Wade. On my birthday, you gave me this card that allows me to not only pick our next adventure, but I pick the circumstances of said adventure and I can take guests if I choose to. Well, Buster's my guest, and his dying wish is to have one crazy trip with the dynamic duo.
BUSTER: Dude, I'm not dying.
RK: Shhh, I'm trying to seal the deal.
WADE: Well, RK, you do have that card. And I'm a man of my word. So you win. We go back in time to 2000 so you can write your report and we take Buster along. But I have one condition: Sparky and Jaylynn can't find out about this.
BUSTER: Why?
WADE: Because I don't want them feeling left out. They won't understand why we're taking you and not them so it's better to just keep everything on the down low.
BUSTER: Should we take it to the grave?
WADE: If you want, but after we're done, you can report it to TMZ for all I care.
BUSTER: You don't have to worry about me. This stays between us three.
WADE: How can I be so sure of that?
BUSTER: Pretend you're Sparky or Jaylynn.
WADE: So, Buster, did Wade say anything about rebuilding the time machine?
BUSTER: Wait, which one are you? You have to make yourself known, it's confusing.
RK and Wade give Buster bored expressions.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
That same day, the kids are all watching TV together.
SPARKY: So does anyone have any plans for the weekend?
BUSTER (V.O.): How can he ask us that? He's just waiting to hear what he already suspects.
RK (V.O.): I know, right? So transparent.
WADE (V.O.): Guys, how are you able to hear each other's thoughts?
BUSTER (V.O.): How are you able to hear ours?
Beat.
WADE (V.O.): Good question. Still, it's crazy how much information they're trying to get from us with one question.
RK (V.O.): I bet Jaylynn's already figured it out. She's always trying to know things like she's D.W. or some shit. Like, get out of our heads, D.W., go play with the Tibbles.
BUSTER (V.O.): That's what I'm saying. She's cute, though.
RK (V.O.): Yeah, I bet she is in some parallel universe.
WADE (V.O.): Wait, we haven't said anything at all. It's getting weird.
BUSTER (V.O.): Well, Sparky's the one that brought it up! Why can't he answer his own question?
RK (V.O.): Okay, guys, I have a plan. It's a little unorthodox, but it will keep us from having to answer questions.
BUSTER (V.O.): Lay it on me.
RK (V.O.): I'm going to say something completely random to Sparky and Jaylynn, and when I do, we run like hell.
WADE (V.O.): Of course, because we want to arouse suspicion.
RK (V.O.): I don't see any way out of this. We haven't said a damn thing, they already know too much.
RK looks over and sees Sparky and Jaylynn giving him confused looks, and then his voiceover starts screaming while he has a look of panic on his face.
SPARKY: Guys, are you okay?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you've just been sitting there for almost ten minutes.
Beat.
*with Scottish accent* RK: WHAT ARE YOU GAWKING AT, LASSY?!
RK runs out of the house, and Wade and Buster follow him.
SPARKY: Wow, they are awful at hiding things.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, I know you and I go way back, but sometimes, I have no idea how I became friends with them.
SPARKY: You hated them until you got used to them and eventually, you became a weird combination of them?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Damn, that's some accurate shit.
Cut to the boys standing near the house.
RK: Okay, we're good. We threw them off the scent.
WADE: You know, we could have just said that we didn't have any plans this weekend.
BUSTER: That's exactly what they wanted us to say!
RK: Yeah, they were trying to run game on us. Unfortunately for them, we didn't fall for the okie doke.
WADE: Do you guys ever wonder what life would be like if we handled things like normal people?
RK AND BUSTER: Never.
SCENE 8
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
On the night of the time travel trip, RK and Wade are watching TV waiting for Buster to arrive.
RK: Dude, this is getting boring. Buster was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago.
WADE: You just showed up five minutes ago.
RK: Well, I'm just ready to get going. This is going to be the end of an era. The end of the RK & Wade era. One night only, man! After tonight, things will never be the same again.
WADE: We're still going to be best friends after tonight. This isn't a suicide mission.
RK: You're probably thinking about leaving Buster behind in 2000. Admit it, you have your own definition of going out with a bang.
WADE: I feel like you're just talking to talk right now.
Buster walks in wearing a leather jacket and sunglasses.
BUSTER: Let's do this, boys.
RK: Buster, why do you look like you should be backstage at a Mötorhead concert?
BUSTER: This is my gear. I wanted to be fresh. Check it out.
Buster takes off his jacket to reveal a black T-shirt that says "One Night Only" on the front, and "I Was There" on the back.
WADE: Are you kidding me? Did anyone see you wearing that shirt?
BUSTER: No, I was covered up. I just wanted to wear something so I could remember this day.
WADE: Traveling almost two decades into the past isn't enough to remember?
BUSTER: We do a lot of stuff, Wade. By next month, we'll probably be fighting cowboys on robot pirate island or something.
RK: Alright, enough chit chat. Let's do this thing.
SCENE 9
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Buster and RK are watching Wade get the time machine set up.
BUSTER: So is there a special ritual that Wade does before he starts up the time machine?
RK: Oh, you'll see.
Wade goes to his shelf and takes the key from under Milton the turtle's derby hat, then he unlocks the wall entrance to the machine using the key, causing the newly rebuilt machine to be revealed.
BUSTER: It's gorgeous.
WADE: Thanks, man. Let me just put in the coordinates and we'll be on our way.
Wade walks inside the machine to adjust the coordinates while RK and Buster stand next to each other.
RK: I hope this isn't a waste of time. 2000 better be worth the last time travel trip ever.
BUSTER: It'll be okay. I'm just happy to be here. I feel like I'm about to throw out the first pitch at the World Series.
RK: Man, you don't have to be such a fanboy. Just enjoy the ride.
BUSTER: Is that your time travel catchphrase? That has to be your time travel catchphrase.
RK: If I had a catchphrase for every time I was in that machine, I would have early retirement money right now.
WADE: Alright, guys, I put in the coordinates. Let's do this thing.
The boys walk inside the machine and close the door.
RK: Damn, this looks even better than before.
WADE: Yeah, I wanted to upgrade the machine. Brand new LED screens, live footage of where a person is in time at any given time to keep an eye on intruders, and a location-tracking feature that lets the machine keep us out of danger if things go overboard.
BUSTER: But if you're only using it this one last time, why go to all this trouble?
Beat.
WADE: You're already off to a bad start. Let's go.
Wade presses a button on his time travel remote and the three boys are engulfed in a purple orb. Cut to a living room animated in the early 2000s hand-drawn cel style, and the orb pops up inside the living room, as the boys appear.
BUSTER: Wow. Things look less...high definition here.
WADE: That's right. April 28, 2000. We've done it.
RK: Now, wait a minute. Just because we're in this weird looking house, doesn't mean we're back in time. Hey, cool, a TV Guide.
RK picks up a copy of TV Guide and starts reading it.
RK: "In this week's Simpsons, Homer smokes crack with the Backstreet Boys and has to replace Nick after an overdose. Does hilarity ensue?" Yeah, we're back in time.
BUSTER: This is crazy. We did it! We should stay here until Sunday so we can catch that episode, though.
WADE: Buster, we're not here for fun. This is strictly a research mission for RK. Once he gets what he needs, we're out of here.
RK: Don't go too hard on the boy, Wade. There's no reason why we can't do research and have fun at the same time. Now, let's get out of here before whoever owns this place comes to kill us. I'm not dying in a year I wasn't even born in.
SCENE 10
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Jaylynn are watching TV that night. Sparky squints his eyes at the glue stick on the coffee table.
SPARKY: Hey, Jaylynn, can you pass me that glue stick?
JAYLYNN: Sure.
Jaylynn passes Sparky the glue stick and he starts sniffing it.
SPARKY: I don't get the appeal. How are rappers dying from this stuff? This is so lame.
JAYLYNN: Sparky, rappers aren't dying from sniffing glue.
SPARKY: Yeah, but...you know.
JAYLYNN: You didn't know at all, did you?
SPARKY: No, and now, I have a lot of angry Facebook posts to delete.
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Where are the others? Weren't we all meeting tonight?
SPARKY: I think so. But I tried talking to Buster about it this morning and he just kept mumbling something.
JAYLYNN: That's weird, man. When I talked to RK, all he did was wonder what I was gawking at.
SPARKY: Like he did the other day?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, with the same stupid accent.
SPARKY: They're up to something. And Wade's in on it.
JAYLYNN: I don't think so. I haven't been keeping up with him, but for all we know, he probably didn't want to come.
SPARKY: Why?
JAYLYNN: Well, dating Adriana, his inventions, homework. That boy has a full life.
SPARKY: It ain't that full, child.
SCENE 11
Seattle, Washington
The boys are walking through the streets of Seattle in 2000.
BUSTER: I always wondered something about the time machine.
RK: What?
BUSTER: How come you guys didn't just use it to solve all your problems? Like, you could just change the timeline so nothing bad ever happened.
WADE: There's no telling what would happen to the machine if we constantly traveled like that. Besides, if we fixed all of our mistakes, we would never learn anything.
BUSTER: Isn't that what life is? Constantly making mistakes and learning from them just so you can make the same mistakes a week later?
RK: He's got a point.
WADE: So, RK, did you get any good information for your report?
RK: Well, I noticed without smartphones, everyone's talking to each other more. And everyone's really looking at each other with their eyes and shit. Makes the conversation feel more personal.
RK gives Wade an intense look.
WADE: Dude, what are you doing?
RK: I'm giving you my full attention. You've been on your smartphone so long, you forgot what it's like to be in the real world.
BUSTER: I think since we're in a new decade, we need to buy new outfits. Our clothes suck.
WADE: What's wrong with our clothes? I stay having a fresh ensemble.
BUSTER: They're too new. We need to blend in with everyone or else people will think we're from the future.
RK: You...you really think people will know we're from the future?
BUSTER: It's 2000. Trust me, they're looking for people like us so they can catch us and use us for some freaky experimentation.
Beat.
RK: We need to change right now.
SCENE 12
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky and Jaylynn walk into Wade's house, but notice that the room is dark.
JAYLYNN: Whoa, it's pitch black in here.
SPARKY: Yeah. Maybe one of us should turn on the lights.
JAYLYNN: Okay, who?
SPARKY: Dude...
JAYLYNN: I'm kidding.
Jaylynn turns on the lights.
SPARKY: That's weird. Why would Wade have his lights off?
JAYLYNN: He probably went to the store or something. He can't stay inside all day like some creepy weirdo.
SPARKY: Yeah, but I already called him three times and he hasn't called back. Let's check his room and make sure he's okay.
Cut to the kids walking into Wade's room to see the brand new time machine.
JAYLYNN: What the f*** is this?
SPARKY: I thought Wade destroyed this thing, now it's back?
JAYLYNN: Wait a minute. Was this all just a scheme?
SPARKY: What do you mean?
JAYLYNN: I mean, RK probably lied about Wade taking apart the time machine so they could go on another adventure together. And we wouldn't know anything.
SPARKY: You really think RK would do that?
JAYLYNN: Of course. I don't trust that boy. He'll do anything if he feels like doing it.
SPARKY: Well, what about Buster?
JAYLYNN: What about him? Wait, he was in on it! They probably gave him candy or Happy Meal toys to get him to shut up.
SPARKY: I don't know. Let me call Buster and see what's up.
SCENE 13
Seattle, Washington
Buster, RK, and Wade walk out of the clothing store with extra large white T-shirts, Seattle Mariners caps turned to the side and baggy jeans.
RK: We look gross.
BUSTER: RK, this is how people dressed in 2000. If we're going to fit in, we have to respect the customs of the people.
WADE: And looking like D-list rappers is the best way to fit in?
BUSTER: Hey, you're the one that wanted to stay in your regular 2018 clothes. Looking like a fancy boy who drinks tea with your pinky up.
RK: Alright, let's just go check out the technology here. I bet those PlayStation 2 graphics are garbage.
WADE: The PlayStation 2 won't be out for six more months.
RK: Are you kidding me? Yeah, we're gonna die this year.
At that point, Buster's phone starts ringing. He sees it's Sparky on the caller ID and picks up.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, how goes it?
Cut to Sparky.
SPARKY: I was just wondering if you knew anything about where RK and Wade are.
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: RK and Wade? I don't know anything about them. They're probably in your head.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: Buster, this isn't funny.
Cut back to Buster.
BUSTER: I don't think it's funny either. I just think your imagination is running away with you and RK and Wade are characters you created to mask your hatred towards modern society.
SPARKY: What?
BUSTER: I dunno.
RK takes the phone from Buster.
RK: Ah, f*** this. Look, Sparky, I'm with Wade and Buster in the year 2000.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: Yeah, I suspected that by the big time machine in Wade's room. RK, why did you lie about Wade getting rid of this thing?
Cut back to RK.
RK: I didn't lie. Wade killed the original one and he built a new one to help me with my report. I'm doing research on 2000.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: Really? What's it like?
Cut back to RK.
RK: I look I should be getting my ass beat outside of 106 & Park.
SPARKY: What?
RK: You'll understand when we're all on the couch.
WADE: Could I talk to him?
RK: Sure. Sparko, I'm transferring you over to the mad scientist.
WADE: Thank you. Sparky, listen, I was never going back in time again until RK needed help with his history paper. Buster's only here because RK owed him a favor. We're just going to do a little research and then come back tomorrow.
Cut back to Sparky.
SPARKY: Alright. Anything you need us to do?
WADE: Just keep away from the time machine and don't touch anything. The wrong button will probably end up sending us back to the Ice Age. We'll see you tomorrow.
SPARKY: Okay, see you soon.
Sparky hangs up.
JAYLYNN: They'll be in 2000 for the next day or so and come back to the present?
SPARKY: Yeah. How did you know that?
JAYLYNN: I can hear everything, I'm standing right next to you.
SPARKY: Right. I just wish they would include us in these trips. I want to go back in time.
JAYLYNN: Me too, but this is the life we chose. We didn't get to have a science genius for a best friend. I'm just wondering how this would sound if you tried explaining it to someone who doesn't hang out with us like that.
Cut to a fantasy spot of Jaylynn and Ashley watching TV at Jaylynn's house.
ASHLEY: Jaylynn, where's the rest of the guys? I haven't seen them in weeks.
JAYLYNN: Oh, they're still in 2000. They're all in jail for sneaking onto the set for the "Real Slim Shady" video.
Beat.
ASHLEY: I was just asking a question.
SCENE 14
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, Sparky is watching TV when Bitch Clock walks in with a videotape. Bitch Clock ends up dropping it on the floor and it lands near Sparky.
SPARKY: Hey, what's that?
BITCH CLOCK: Nothing, just a little movie I'm going to watch upstairs. It's a period piece. No, a comedy! Yeah, nothing but the clean stuff.
Sparky picks up the tape.
SPARKY: "Blacked Panther?" I don't know, I wouldn't call Black Panther a comedy. Besides, this looks like a bootleg version. Why not get the Blu-Ray?
BITCH CLOCK: I don't like being interviewed about what I watch.
Bitch Clock takes the videotape and starts walking upstairs. Jaylynn walks through the door.
JAYLYNN: Hey, Bitch Clock.
BITCH CLOCK: IT'S A COMEDY!
Bitch Clock runs upstairs.
JAYLYNN: Seriously, how do you describe him to people?
SPARKY: Calling him a weird talking pet gets the job done. So, have you heard from the guys?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. Buster said they're having a lot of fun in 2000 and they don't want to come back here.
SPARKY: Wait, what?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, they're not interested in leaving. RK has enough research for his paper, but they don't feel like going home.
SPARKY: Are you kidding me? No, forget it. We let them have their adventure, now it's time to bring them back home.
JAYLYNN: But how? We don't know anything about how that machine works.
SPARKY: It can't be that hard to figure out.
SCENE 15
Damon's House of Barbers
Seattle, Washington
("So Fresh, So Clean" by OutKast plays in the background)
In 2000, the boys are all getting their hair cut at the local barbershop.
BUSTER: No, I'm serious. In ten years, that LeBron guy is going to take over the league.
BARBER: Yeah, right. Keep dreaming, Buster.
WADE: Buster, you can't tell anyone anything about the future.
BUSTER: Oh, that's only on TV. Plus, they don't believe me anyway.
RK: Hey guys, I know we've been enjoying ourselves here, but don't you think it's time to go back to 2018?
WADE: I don't know. I see this as more of a vacation. It's nice to be back in a time where things were simpler.
RK: Sure, let's stay in an era where Skype didn't exist so kids could never get the drop on child predators.
BUSTER: You worry too much, RK. Besides, Sparky and Jaylynn don't care.
Cut to Sparky and Jaylynn watching the boys on the LED screen inside the time machine.
JAYLYNN: Look at them. Getting their haircuts, laughing about how much we suck.
SPARKY: I wonder what they're talking about.
JAYLYNN: Who cares? It's time for action. Let's take some baseball bats to their head, start a riot, kick them where the sun don't shine.
SPARKY: How much Paramore did you listen to this morning?
JAYLYNN: Just their second album.
SPARKY: Try cutting back to twice a week, Jay.
Cut back to the boys in the barbershop.
RK: Well, since we're going to stay a while, how about I get some highlights? Or maybe some extensions to go with my touch ups?
WADE: Dude, what are you talking about?
RK: I just want to sound like I go to the salon 24/7.
BUSTER: Hey, I heard Eminem's new album is coming out soon.
WADE: You mean, the album that's been out for eighteen years?
BUSTER: Wade, you either have fun with this, or you don't. You can't switch between the two.
At that point, Sparky and Jaylynn walk inside the barbershop.
SPARKY: You guys having fun in the past?
BUSTER: HOLY SHIT, A GHOST!
BARBER: Hey, do you want me to cut right through your brain, fool?
BUSTER: You could try.
WADE: How the hell did you two get here?!
SPARKY: We broke the glass that held the spare remote and put in your coordinates.
WADE: Right. I forget how easy it is to use this machine.
RK: You guys are wasting your time. We'll come back when we're good and ready.
JAYLYNN: It's been a week. And you said you have all the information you need for your report.
RK: Why are you keeping tabs on me anyway? You're not a copy of The Seattle Times.
SPARKY: Look, guys, we understand you're having fun with AOL and Yahoo, but time's up. You need to come back to the present.
WADE: Guys, Sparky's right.
JAYLYNN: Hey!
WADE: Sparky and Jaylynn are right. We need to go back home and move on with our lives.
BUSTER: Yeah, we do. Wait, I'm still getting my hair done. Could you wait 15 minutes?
JAYLYNN: Sure.
SCENE 16
Damon's House of Barbers
Seattle, Washington
15 minutes later, Buster's hair is done.
SPARKY: Alright, guys, let's head back to 2018 and things will go back to normal.
RK: Sure, sure. Hey, is that *NSYNC and Britney Spears filming a McDonald's commercial?
RK, Wade, and Buster run out of the barbershop while Sparky and Jaylynn watch them.
SPARKY: Did they really think we would fall for that?
JAYLYNN: I just wanted to give them a head start.
SCENE 17
("It's Gonna Be Me" by *NSYNC plays in the background)
The boys leave the barbershop and run across the street, then continue running. Sparky and Jaylynn follow them and chase them into the street. At certain points during the montage, the kids are seen from the point of view of a fisheye lens similar to Hype Williams music videos. The boys are seen in Foot Locker consulting employees about sneakers, but Sparky and Jaylynn walk in. The boys throw sneakers at the two and then leave the store amidst the distraction. They are later shown at Dunkin Donuts eating donuts and laughing, but when Sparky and Jaylynn run inside, they repeat their actions at Foot Locker and add insult to injury by rubbing the donuts all over their clothes. The boys continue running from the others having bought some time.
RK: How long can we keep doing this?
WADE: Until we die or they die, whichever comes first.
BUSTER: Our prayers have been answered! Let's hit the Toys R Us, they'll think it's a mirage!
WADE: Buster, Toys R Us wasn't bankrupt in 2000.
BUSTER: Please, like they'll know that.
RK: It's worth a shot. Let's go!
The boys run into Toys R Us with Sparky and Jaylynn following them. When Sparky and Jaylynn run inside and check through the aisles, they see three large boxes of pull-string dolls that resemble RK, Wade, and Buster. The dolls all have devious smiles, but their smiles turn to screams of horror as the guys take them and walk to the checkout line. When each doll is scanned, they instantly become the human versions of RK, Wade, and Buster, who look exhausted.
RK: I don't even know how the hell we put on that disguise so fast.
JAYLYNN: So are you ready to give up?
WADE: Yeah. I don't need someone else running around with my spare remote. Let's go home.
Beat.
SPARKY: Seriously, how did you even put on that disguise?
SCENE 18
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all on the couch after the dust has settled.
SPARKY: Well, guys, how does it feel getting to use the time machine one last time?
RK: It's really bittersweet. I can't believe this is all over. The RK & Wade era is finished.
WADE: You mean, the first RK & Wade era is finished.
RK: What are you talking about? You said it was one night only. It's over, we're never seeing that time machine again.
WADE: No, RK, I decided to keep this time machine intact.
RK: Stop playing with my feelings, man. I can't take any more heartbreak.
WADE: I'm serious. Our adventure in 2000 made me realize that the time machine still has life in it. Having Buster come along, Sparky and Jaylynn chasing us around town. The whole thing was like a renaissance.
BUSTER: So the second RK & Wade era starts today?
WADE: It sure does. It's time to usher in a brand new era of time travel. Under my supervision, of course.
JAYLYNN: So we can use it too?!
WADE: Why not? Under my supervision, of course.
RK: Well, I guess everything worked out. The time machine's saved, I'm going to ace my history paper. This is definitely a top five signature moment.
Sparky checks his phone and his eyes widen.
SPARKY: Oh, crap!
BUSTER: What's wrong, Sparky?
SPARKY: It doesn't matter if I deleted my posts from Facebook. Some dudes already screenshot them. Alright, guys, if I have to leave Seattle for a couple weeks, you'll know why.
JAYLYNN: Dude, I don't think it's that ser...
SPARKY: You'll know why!
Cut to black.
("Still D.R.E." by Dr. Dre featuring Snoop Dogg plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS