A/N: THIS IS A CRACK FIC. That means it's not meant to be taken seriously. So all you Christians and other Bible fanatics, do not flame me. Flames will be fed to Farfie so he can cosplay a Dragon. It's just a joke, mmkay? Co-created (read: Roleplayed) with Icey of the Black Rose. I do not own God, Lordy Voldy, or Farfarello. Farfarello is from the best anime ever, Weiß Kreuz. Lordy Voldy is obviously from Harry Potter, which is owned by JKRowling, and God is owned by Satan. Jk, jk, I dunno. I guess God is owned by himself. ADVOCATE4EVIL WAS PRESSURED BRIBED INTO POSTING THIS! (I wasn't gonna, but Icey said if I don't post it she will, and for the gods sakes, I WROTE it. Plus she's giving me the beautiful Train from Black Cat, and she let me make up a new random account so my old one wasn't scarred from the amount of haters.) She realizes she will probably get flamed to Hell and back for this. But just know, if you flame me, you condemn China to death by Dragon Fire. And Farfarello is rather sadistic… So thank you for taking the time to read this, and if you write a flame, I'll know you are a cruel, heartless person who doesn't care what happens to China. (Besides, if you don't like it, why take time to review?) So now, read and enjoy!
Lord Voldemort, Dark Lord and most feared wizard in Britain since Grindlewald, was walking down the stairs. It was a very long flight of stone stairs, leading down to a dank, slightly wet dungeon. Water dripped from the ceiling, making the crudely carved stone stairs rather slippery. But Lordy Voldy had an excellent sense of balance, and managed to navigate them just fine. Until he was about a quarter of the way down, and he disturbed a sleeping colony of bats. The bats shrieked, and swooped over his head, in a long stream of black. Lordy Voldy flinched slightly in shock, and that little motion was enough to render his balance unstable. He slipped on the wet stone stairs, and went tumbling headlong down them, unable to catch himself, rolling down the stairs, breaking bones and hitting his head every once in a while. About half way down, the Dark Lord, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, died. His body continued its tumble down all the way to stop at the feet of a certain potions master who'd been waiting for him there. All the death eaters mourned that night.
However, Lordy Voldy's soul had already departed. To his absolute horror, he felt himself being raised up. Up up up, past the ground, past the castle, past his bedroom, past the roof, past the clouds, past the sky, past space, past the stars and planets, he found himself rising to a very very very blindingly white and poufy cloud, with a golden gate. As much as he tried to struggle, Lordy Voldy was drawn through the gate and into the piercing gaze of He Himself, God Almighty, the Lord our Savior. (Another one? Lordy Voldy would have thought in disgust, had the blinding white light not been giving him such a killer migraine). Covering his eyes, he shrieked,
"NOOOO, NOOOO, LET ME OUT OF HERE! I don't belong here, I'm an evil person! I deserve to go to hell! I killed millions! LET ME OUT!!! I wanna go to the other place!" Lord God Almighty just chuckled.
"But that's exactly why you're here, my boy." Voldy was reminded sickeningly of Dumbledore. "We can't have such an awful lad as you going exactly where he pleases!" He smiled benignly at the cowering figure of Voldy, trying to curl as far into himself as possible and keep away from the freakishly pure light.
"But I worked so hard! I did everything right! Thou shalt not kill, I have killed! Thou shalt not sleep with a married woman, or something like that, but Bellatrix practically worshipped me and Narcissa wasn't far behind! I've sinned! I've split my soul into 7 little pieces! I've, I've committed genocide against muggleborns, all so I could get into Hell, and now you tell me that I CAN'T!!!? What was my whole fucking life for then?" Lord God Almighty shrugged, shutting his twinkly eyes for a second, before opening his mouth, but whatever he was going to say, he didn't get the chance to, cos Lordy Voldy was pissed! "AVADA KEDAVRA!!!" He shrieked. He had never wanted that curse to work as much as he did now. So much of his power was poured into it, Lord God Almighty gave a strangled, girlish shriek as his eyes bugged out, and he went and dropped dead. From a gigantinormous staircase in the corner of heaven a voice cried;
"HEEEEY! I wanted t' do that!!!" Farfarello stalked up to Lordy Voldy, grabbed him by the collar of his robes, and shook him. "I was goin to kill the Liar all me life, and now ye go and just Abracadabra him!?" He dropped Lordy Voldy and drew two daggers from sheaths on his wrists. The two evil ones entered into a battle of epic proportions, neither gaining an advantage because Far was able to dodge all of Voldie's spells, but in order to do so he had to keep his distance. The angels around them sustained severe emotional damage.
Finally Farfie had enough of their game. He surged forward, grabbed the Dark Lord's wand, and snapped it in half. The battle ground to a standstill. Lord Voldemort looked at the ruined wand for about a minute, before he threw back his head and began wailing, his tears creating a flood in the Sahara. Far stared at him.
"Ye're sobbin yer heart out, cos I broke yer stick!?" The Irishman was rather shocked. Then, he shrugged, and beheaded the sobbing Voldemort. Voldemort's head blinked for a second, then he poofed away and reappeared again in the same place. Farfie growled in annoyance, and stabbed him through the heart. Again, poof, pop, kill, poof, pop, kill, poof, pop, kill, until Farfarello screamed in annoyance, a throat-ripping shriek that shook the earth and space like a ship in a hurricane. "FINE! STAY THERE, ye snake-faced freak!" Then he stormed off, back to the stairs, leaving a very confused, very dead Voldemort and a cloud-full of scarred-for-life angels behind him. Cos y'see, Farfie was alive. He found the Giant Holy Staircase leading up to heaven, (Somewhere in Iraq) and marched up to give God a piece of his mind. And dagger. But just as he finished climbing that blasted staircase, he gets up to heaven to find God being killed by some skinhead freak with a bloody awful nosejob and a laser-powered stick. Now he was very pissed off, to put it mildly. So he marched over, intent on sending that bloody little freak far far away, just to find that he couldn't be killed! Farfarello raged and stormed as he stomped down that staircase, and when he got to the bottom, he threw a tantrum like a five year old might. Except, a five year old, wouldn't be able to stop a war, simply by wiping out every single soldier, from both sides there. After he'd cleared Iraq and the middle east of all their soldiers, he marched over to the most densely populated country in the world, China, and proceeded to turn it into an area about as inhabited as Mars.
Way up in heaven, Lordy Voldy was still unable to find away to get to Hell, and was therefore well on his way to turning the Sahara desert into the world's eighth ocean. And that is where he resides today.