If tears could build a stairway,
and memories a lane,
I'd walk right up to Heaven
And bring you home again.
~Author Unknown

"You don't get over it because "it" is the person you loved. The pain may stop, there will be new people, but the gap never closes. The hole left by a loved one is unique only to them, no one else will fit. Why would you want someone else to anyway?"

You never truly know the pain of losing a loved one until it happens to you, and not a loved one as in great- aunt Mabel who you've met once in your entire life, I mean your parents, your siblings or even your best friend, and I'm unlucky enough to of lost all three.

My parents and siblings died in a car crash with my best friend parents, it hurt alot, but we weren't really all that close, my family was rich and they seemed to favour my younger siblings better, I was apparently there love child I was conceived on their honeymoon, I think they almost regretted me, but my family wasn't that close to me and then there was Jasper, I loved him more brotherly then anything, don't get me wrong he was good looking and everything but he was basically my life support when my family died and vice versa.

After our parents died we sold our mansions both being 18 they gave us the choice sell or stay, so we sold and bought a quaint little house on the outskirts of Seattle. A few years later both me and Jazz were seeing respective people when suddenly his girlfriend disappeared walking home from a club one night, he absolutely loved her that night when she disappeared was the night he was going to propose. They searched for three weeks finding no trace of her. One night a few weeks after the search stoped we were at our house and I was comforting him when there was a knock at the door, I volunteered to get it but he did, there standing at the door was Maria, his girlfriend, only there was one change her eyes, they were bright red, blood red some might say, Jazz was so shocked, she said one thing to him before leaving, "Jazz, I am so sorry, but I have found my other half Jared, I will love you always." And with that she was gone.
Jasper shut down after that, I was so worried that I left my boyfriend to stay with him. But it slowly grew worse and worse and he grew ever more aggressive, until one day after returning from work he wasn't in the house but his car bike and shoes were all there, confused I looked in his room, bathroom, game room and every other room in the house. Confused and frustrated I went to look outside, I searched around and that's when I saw him, hanging there looking so peaceful, it took me a full five minutes to react, and when I did my actions were stupid the first thing I did was untie him and he fell to the ground I began CPR but it didn't even occur to me to ring an ambulance until 10minutes later of futile CPR, When the paramedics arrived they tried to restart his heart, but were unsuccessful, I stood there watching with morbid horror.
The paramedics put him on a trolley and wheeled it around to the ambulance; I don't really remember them saying anything I just followed. After all was done to try and save Jasper, they declared him dead. The doctor came over to me a sorrow-filled expression on his face; I know what happened before he said it. The doctor handed me a note that he said they had found on his body. A suicide note. I couldn't read it there and definitely not then. I arranged for Jasper to be cremated, it was easy and simple and a good way to send him off. It took two days to arrange and have Jasper cremated a quick and simple task, but it seemed to drag on forever, after I received his ashes I took the long drive out to the Olympic peninsula to scatter his ashes over the cliffs of our once loved hideaway. I spent an hour there just talking to myself into reading the note,
Bella,
I'm sorry, I couldn't handle it, that I couldn't come and talk to you, that I left you alone in the world, that I broke our promise, that I didn't have to strength to say this to your face.
But the pain of losing Maria, on top of the fact that you were my only connection to my family, and I was absolutely in love with you but you didn't see me that way. It always hurt seeing you with Edward, when you'd tell me about all the romantic things he'd do for you. When he took you too New York for that weekend when you slept with him the first time, your first time, and you came home to a trashed house, I know I said it was a break in, truth is I was home all weekend and I went on a drunken rampage and trashed the house, I didn't stay at Maria's like I said, I'm truly sorry for that. I'm sorry for my alcohol problem, the anger issues, the mood swings and for making you feel bad when you'd go out and live your life.
I got stuck in the past, I liked it there, we were happy no grief, no depression, no cutting, no living by ourselves, no having to be responsible, no having to remember to buy food and pay the bills. I miss the times when I could just go home and complain about you to my mum, and tell her something cute that you did that day.
I remember this one time in high school, you sung in front of our music class, and you sang I'm yours. I think that's when I first fell in love with you. When I got home I couldn't stop talking about you to my mum and she had this look on her face. She was so happy, I was so happy. Its times like that I miss.
Oh look what my alcohol problem did, made me get all mushy in a suicide note, sounds funny writing that, but now that I know that the pain will end I feel light, and that I can tell you this without regret, I mean I won't be alive this time tomorrow who needs regret.
I'm sorry that I lied and left you alone to face the big wide world but its okay you have Edward and a shit load of money.
Please be strong like I never could.
Love always Jasper.
I sat there stunned, then climbed back into my car and proceeded to drive myself home, I had reached the small town of Forks, before I could no longer hold back the onslaught of tears and the realization that I was alone in the vast world, I don't know how long I laid curled up on my back seat crying my heart out, hours it would seem as I passed out from exhaustion when the sun set.
I must have only been asleep for a couple hours when someone jolted me out of sleep by tapping on my window. I had almost let out a scream, before I realised I would have welcomed death. I shuffled over to the door and when I opened it I was greeted by a set of blue eyes that belonged to an elderly woman
"Are you okay miss?" She said with a slight southern accent, He had a southern accent; we'd never been to Texas so we always used to laugh because we never knew how he got it. I didn't reply. "Uh... Miss?" She knelt down to my level, her faced pulled into frown.
Jasper used to have this look, it was stunning, when he was thinking or concentrating really hard he used to bite his bottom lip and scrunch his eyebrows together.
I couldn't hold back the tears the fell when I thought of Jazz; I managed to croak out a "No" to this strangers question and crumbled back in on myself, into a cycle of dark depressing thoughts.
"Okay, well how about I take you back to my home and you can have a warm safe place to sleep." I barely nodded, but apparently the stranger caught this movement, jumping straight into action as she removed the keys from my car and helped me out of it locking up the car before helping me stumble to her car that sat a few meters behind mine. This stranger then proceeded to place me into the passenger seat and buckle me in. I must have zoned out for a while because it felt like only seconds and the stranger was unbuckling me and helping me towards a large house.
It never occurred to me how dangerous and scary this situation should seem, a stranger taking me to her house in what looks like the middle of nowhere and with no family to search for me if she did keep me here no one would ever know. But that night I was wishing for death.

Death unfortunately is not what I got.
"Here darlin', try and drink some of this and if you feel up to it try and eat some of this." She placed the banana in front of me and held the glass to my lips, I responded by taking a tiny sip. It hurt so much to take sustenance into my body, as I knew I had nothing left to live for, the thought that Jasper my best friend since I was 4 was gone, 19 years he was my companion and he was now gone from this world, he was my world. The only thing that had kept me moving, kept me striving to be better, the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. My rock was gone, my world shattered, my boat in the vast ocean that is life had broken and I was left trying to stay afloat. I didn't want life, I wanted the simple peace that was death, and I wanted the thoughts and memories and painful reminders to cease to exist. I wanted to cease to exist.
It made no sense for me drink or eat when I longed for death, couldn't these people understand that I Bella Swan wanted death, not comfort, or warmth, or compassion. I wanted death, I wanted this inner turmoil to finish, so I could rest, it had been many years since I had slept without nightmares. I figured that this finding my best friend dead probably wouldn't help that, funny actually Jasper was what could make the nightmares go away, there was more than one occasion where I couldn't sleep so I had snuck into Jazz's room and snuggled up next to him, he would wrap his arms around me and whisper sweet nothings to me until I drifted off and had a peaceful sleep, but now he was not here and who would comfort me in the darkness of night. While this thought occurred to I giggled, not a this is funny kind of giggle more like a giggle of realization, a hysterical realization that I was truly alone with no one left to save me from my dreadful mind, I didn't realise that my small giggles turned into hysterical laughter until the lady was asking me what was wrong.
"Oh my, Are you okay dear?" she frowned at me, I was sure I looked a mess, I'd been crying for a very long time now, my eyes felt bloodshot and my throat was killing me but the laughter didn't stop, I was about to start hyperventilating which made me laughing more. I was so wrapped up in my little world that I didn't see the other people in the room until I felt a hand slap my face, I looked up shocked holding my cheek, before me stood a blonde woman, she had a scowl on her face, her eyes narrowed at me and she placed her hands on her hips as her dressing gown fell open.
"Will you stop that loud obnoxious laughing, you crazy girl, I don't know what your problem is but you better tell Ma's because I don't need to hear it while I try to sleep in the next room." She huffed, while still glaring at me.
"Rose..." The lady trailed off coming to stand between us. Rose just shifted her gaze from me to the lady.
"She hit me." I whispered casting my gaze down still clutching my now stinging face. Both of them turned shocked towards me "Bitch hit me. Last person to do that was h-him." I muttered to myself
"Darlin' who hit you?" She whispered moving to the side of the bed again.
"The crazy ass blonde?" I said, hoping she'd drop the subject. she chuckled.
"No, the other person, who is he?" Her eyes were pleading when I met her gaze.
"Oh, him." I sniffed as I dropped my gaze before continuing "Jasper." I barely breathed out his name, I'm not quite sure how she caught his name but he did.
"Okay, so who is Jasper?"
"Jasper was my best friend." My voice cracked at his name and the tears started again.
"Why was? What happened beautiful?" She said wiping away the tears rolling down my face again trying to coax another answer out.
"He left me, he was my family, he was my everything, my brother, my rock, my last reminded that I had someone that loved me, someone that would stick around, and he left me by choice, with not so much as an explanation just a note, he didn't even talk to me, why didn't he talk to me? Why is he gone? He's never coming back now. Never." And with that I burst into tears again.
"Oh princess" she whispered as she wrapped her arms around me, and slowly rocked me back and forth until I calmed down yet again. "Now can you tell me you name sugar?"
"Bella, Bella Swan." I managed to croak out.
"That's a beautiful name there darlin', now how about you try and get some sleep." I nodded and curled up on the bed, I was afraid to sleep, I didn't want the nightmares but exhaustion overcame me and I slipped in the blissfulness of unconsciousness.
Blissful unconsciousness didn't stay blissful for long, it felt like that as soon as I fell asleep; I was waking up drenched in sweat, after having a nightmare of Jasper. He was standing in the lounge room, a bottle of bourbon in his hand staring at me, he didn't say anything he just walked out the front door but when I went to run after him, I couldn't find him, I ran and ran but I got nowhere.
I looked around the room, I knew that the front door was just door the hall, I could get out and end everything, and be with my family and Jazz again, I just had to get back to the cliffs. The lady had gotten rose to get my car so I could get away with that, but common sense made me leave a note for the kind lady. It just so happened that my room doubled as a study and there was paper on the desk, I crept over to it trying not to make any noise.
Thank you for your hospitality,
don't worry about me I'm happy now, I'm with my family.
-Isabella Swan.

I giggled slightly at the irony. Death was what caused the pain but death will fix it all, doesn't really make sense to me. I left the note on the bed and crept out the door, and out of the house.
I don't remember the trip to the cliffs but I found myself there shortly, I parked where the car could be seen from the road, I left my purse and phone on the driver's seat and keys under the seat. I said a quick goodbye to my car that my dad had bought me.
Smiling I walked to the edge of the cliff, it was dark and the waves were smashing against the base with a loud crash. Perfect.
"I'll be with you soon Jasper, I love you too, I always have. It's almost like a tragic romance really." I giggled and through myself off the edge, into the cold dark water where I finally got what I wanted.

Death. Peace. Happiness.

* * * * *


"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal."

Suicide is not a joke, this story is a personal reflection of my loss of a loved one to this he battled with depression and lost.
This terrible act could've been prevented if he had asked for help; depression is a serious mental illness, if you know someone that has it, keep an eye of them, because you may be able to prevent a horrible event from taking place, and event that I couldn't stop.
Don't lose someone that you love. Because that hole never heals.