Broken Glass
A NANA fanfiction
One-Shot By: Something Dysfunctional
Disclaimer: This beautiful manga was created by none other than the talented Ai Yazawa. I want to KNOW what goes through that woman's brain sometimes... how does she do it?! Anyway, this storyline takes place around the eighth and ninth volume of the manga where Nana O. learns of Hachi's pregnancy and doesn't know how to handle it. I'm going to be doing this in both girl's perspectives so we can actually get inside of their feelings where the manga couldn't. Oh, trust me... I can FIND those feelings. -author smiles- It's kinda funny because when "NANA" came out, I joked to my friend, Sam, that it was centered around us. She was Nana O. and I was Nana K. and when the manga got more involved, the more it seemed as though we were those two girls, but now... it's switched around. I'm the one not wanting her to get married and asking myself, "Who am I fighting for?" Fate is REALLY funny. Damn you, "hitsuzen!" -author shakes fist in the air- But MOVING on... remember to review nicely and happy reading!
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'Is she really that pure or is it all contrived?'
A look and it's all that it takes. She can feel her heart quickening as that lovely gaze makes her blood sing. A giggle and a shout makes her want to take over the world.
"Nana"
'I guess you don't know that everything you do... blows me away... just like that typhoon. I feel like a teenage boy falling in love for the first time. I can't fight this feeling anymore-
I feel like I'm about to burst.'
That's how I felt that night of the fireworks. Hachi was mine and I wanted nothing more than to protect her from anything. Who knew that... everthing we had could be blown up like a volcanic erruption? All that we cherished was now about to go up nearly in smoke? I lit up another cigarette and inhaled quickly, the smell of the Seven Stars filling my lungs, deep down. I blinked slowly and ran a hand through my messy hair. I really wanted a shower still, but I had to leave soon for work. Wasn't Takumi going to leave soon?! I gritted my teeth over the butt of my cig and narrowed my eyes, getting all worked up. This wasn't supossed to be like this.
why the HELL did I introduce those two!
What was wrong with me? Didn't Hachi love Nobu? Or was he just another person in her eyes? I could never tell with her that much. Why didn't I pay attention more? I was only blindfolded by confidence because their love seemed to true. I hunched over, balancing my elbows on my knees, finishing my cigarette quickly and reached for another one. I was supossed to've quit for my singing, but right now...
nicotine seemed to be my only resource.
Something to cling on to while my mind whirled around me angrily like a hurricane. This is all too much for me right now... A pregnant Hachi, a egocistical musician who got into her pants when RIGHTLY the baby should be Nobu's, and a best friend who was getting pissed more and more by the minute because the dream was dying in front of her, crumbling fast like a sand castle.
Was everything a lie?
Suddenly, I heard the creaking noise that made my blood run cold and my heart stop beating. That... damn bed from Mizukoshi's store!! It's creaking... faster... faster... I'm about to loose my mind. They're fucking already like fucking rabbits. The fuckin' indeicency!! I drop my head, reaching up to clutch at my hair, the packet of Seven Stars in one, crinkling cellaphane deaf against my ears. Rage was burning inside of me like a fierce fire that couldn't be quenched by water.
You little liar...
you betrayed and hurt Nobu.
a new roommate?
But... all I wanted was you, Hachi... no one else.
Why? Why are you taking her away from me, Takumi?! DAMN YOU! If you wanted to leave me, Hachi, why didn't YOU say it with your own damn MOUTH?! I clenched my eyes shut and a growl ripped from my throat. I banged the table with my fist in anger, causing one of those darling strawberry glasses to topple over and it began to roll to the edge.
'But I want you to like them too! They're only good as a set!'
That memory rang in my head.
Her glasses.
Ours... I watched the glass move, as if in slow motion. I had to stop it, before it hit the floor. I reached for it, my heartbeat thudding loudly in my ears, my face frozen in sheer horror as it leaned over the edge.
'Why don't you ever use the strawberry glasses? I thought you liked them!'
' Cause there's only two of them, so, if one breaks...'
'But what's the point if you never use them?'
'That's true, but if one breaks, I'll be sad...
you can use them just be really careful.'
CRASH!
Shatters flew everywhere on the floor. One happened to find its way up to slice my upper cheek, but... I don't really recall it. After that, it was all a blur. A darkness that apparently was blocked from my memory. All I can remember was kneeling on the floor, seeing the selzter water puddle up, mingling with the silvery glass. What... what happened? What did I just do? Something bad. Something VERY bad. I struggled up to sit, clutching at my chest, the fabric of my button-down coarse in my palm. I breathed in quickly, as if hypervenilating, that damn bed making creaking and jerking noises as those two went at it in the bedroom. What to do? What am I going to do?! It's broken!! BROKEN! I grasped my black hair in frustration once more as tears smarted my eyes, shaking uncontrollably. I looked back quickly across from me, seeing it's twin. A whole perfect companion.
Not broken.
I reached for it in my alien body and dimly, I stood, swaying on the spot as my mind reeled more and I lost against the fight to keep sane. I stared at the glass at my feet, the words Hachi said ringing out in my head like a record player;
'But if one breaks, I'll be sad...'
'But if one breaks, I'll be sad...'
'Breaks...
sad...
I'll be sad...'
I felt the smooth, cylinder glass in my hand, cool and full of the water Hachi was drinking when we talked earlier. Rather Takumi did all the talking... those bright, happy little strawberries looked so happy on that cheap glass surface. I didn't want them to be alone anymore without it's partner...
So, I let it roll limply around of my hand, watching it turn once, its contents spilling out like glittering diamonds in the morning light that shone from the window. And the creaking went on from the next room, both of its occupants oblivious to my company anymore. My mind snapped when that glass shatter against it's broken mate. And it was done.
Finished.
Good. Now they're together. I'm not sad anymore.
Let Hachi have her darling Takumi.
I'm not sad anymore.
--
Was it so hard... to let you go? It was. Harder than anything I ever had to do in my life. I didn't mean to do it on purpose, Nana... I thought it was something you wanted. So that I wouldn't be in the way, since I knew you were working so hard on the band and getting your contract and the whole Nobu issue. It was wrong... so wrong of me to do that to someone as sweet and gentle as him... he didn't deserve me. I was only fooling myself, wishing for Takumi to come back. He had that much of an impact on me, Nana. And I believed him. Promises and vows to do so-and-so... and he would. Will. I didn't think Nobu wanted me after finding out that I was pregnant. And with whose baby, I wasn't sure.
I sat at the table after Takumi left, in shambles, the dustpan before me that held those strawberry glasses, glimmering in the sunlight in their broken state. I sobbed over them, a fool and a idiot. I didn't think it would've happened like that. I'm... sorry, Nana... my hair fell around my face as the tears fell faster, my heart breaking at the pain I just put on myself and for you.
Why was it so hard? I didn't want it to happened either, but it did, whether by the will of the Demon Lord or my own stupidity. I should have never placed all of that news on you so fast and at once. Is that what made you break the glasses? Confusion? Hurt? Desperation? That what we lived in wasn't a dream? Or a nightmare? I ran a hand over my eyes, the tears streaking over my cheeks as I hiccupped and stared down more at the glasses. I remembered the first day I got them with you when we went shopping for the apartment at the 100 Yen Store. I loved them, but in a way...
they reminded me of you.
Tender, sweet, tangy, and full- full of life. That was you, Nana.
'What, you don't like strawberries?'
'No, I do like strawberries... just get something that we can drink out of!'
You tried to cover it like you didn't mind them, but I knew deep down, you were flattered by those glasses.
It was all you.
And I wanted you to be with me. The person I wanted the most last night wasn't Jun, Nobu, or even Takumi. I wanted it to be you, to hold me up, push my hair back, and tell me that it was all going to be all right while rubbing my back.
But... I was ashamed.
I didn't want you to see me like that. I know I'm useless and pathetic, but at my lowest... that would've tore you up. My stomach gave a sudden lurch and I placed a hand over my mouth, eyes wide as bile rose in my throat, bitter and hot. I jumped up and ran to the sink, vomiting in it violently, my morning sickness getting to me. I coughed hard, the sound bouncing off the inside of the sink. I gripped the edge of the countertop, trying to hold my balance as another wave of nausea rode over me. I drew in a staggering breath, calming down my breathing and heart, the tears that I just cried now gathered at the corner of my eyes from the pain of throwing up. I slumped to the floor in a heap of pink terrycloth, crying and gasping against the cabinet door underneath the sink, a mess of sorts.
I lost you, didn't I?
I should've came out of the room to see what had happened when I heard the first crash, but didn't. When the second one came, I should've pushed Takumi off of me and run to you, to tend to you, to see why you were hurting. I thought you had a lot of pride and didn't want to be bothered, but Takumi's hot fingers and urgent pleading kept me in that bed, not knowing those strawberry glasses had made a finale together of what was to be us.
Me and you...
The week passed on slowly, as if I was being punished. I don't blame the Demon Lord. I looked for an apartment like Takumi suggested. It was in Aoyama, the rent being 1,000,000 yen. I grew dizzy at the sight of all those zeroes and decided to run it by Takumi. He liked it. That being done, I packed up my things and had them moved over to the new place. Nana never did show up.
she must've been with Yasu, Shin, Nobu, and Ren all the time now. I stood in my room one last time, looking around it and my gaze fell into the room where we all ate, played mahjong, and sung and drunk as a "family". I smiled sadly and looked down at the letter in my hands that I had written for Nana. I... I hoped it was what I wanted to get across. I walked out towards the table and gently placed it on the wooden surface, my emotions now running high. I had to get out...
I turned and fled out, my heels clacking against the floors, echoing in the hallways...
'Dear Nana,
I'm sorry for being so self-centered. I don't think you'll ever forgive me, Nana, but.
I will always, always remember the half-year I lived with you.
I feel really lonely, not being able to see you anymore.
But I don't know what to do.
So I hope you make your major label debut soon and appear on T.V. a lot so I can see you singing.
No matter who I'm in love with.
you're my only hero, Nana.
No one else is as cool as you.
Up till now,
and from now on too.
September 7, 2001
Nana Komatsu'
I'll still call out for you, Nana, no matter how much it hurts... until you answer me.
You're still the one that I cherish the most in this life, whether you decide to believe me or not anymore, but that is a true fact. I wanted to be apart of your glittery world that moved at a fast-pace that it seemed impossible for me to even step over to be like you. I guess, deep down, I didn't want you to forget me... with Ren by your side, you seemed impossible to stop. You had that fierce look of determination in your eyes... I wanted it.
I wanted what you had.
I guess that's why I clung to Takumi, even when Nobu and I started dating.
Is it so hard...
to be happy?
I can never tell anymore, but I do know this... no matter how bright you shin, until you burn out, I'm still here, in the back of the room, waiting for you in all your glory. And about the glasses? It's okay... I understand now what was wrong, and I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I took it away from you...
'Hey, Nana...
I totally adored you. I wanted to be like you.
I still feel like that to this day. So, please...
sing for me one more time.'
--
YAY! How was that?? Good? Bad? WTF was she thinking?
Heehee.
review please!
--the moonlight carries the message of Love.--
'Later Days...!'
SD