Prologue

In a land far away, in a place untouched by time or sanity, stood a castle known as the Castle of Scary Shit. Two large zombie Silverback gorillas stood guarding its gates. Ravens perched on the turrets, cawing almost evilly to each other. The castle itself was large, dark and haunting, like something straight out of a horror movie.
Its interior was possibly more frightening than the exterior, with wooden floorboards which looked thousands of years old and ready to collapse under an unsuspecting person's feet, and large silk chairs covered with a thin layer of dust.

Sitting in one of these chairs was a young woman who called herself Lady Venom. She was stroking the head of her pet, a zombie Capuchin monkey named Archie.
They were soon accompanied by Lady Venom's closest friend, another young woman known as The Dreamer.
The girls planned to write what they hoped would become the most popular and most hilarious Harry Potter fanfiction story ever, but realised that probably would never happen so they got blind drunk and wrote down whatever random crap they could think of. This poor excuse for literature was accidentally posted on when the two drunken friends decided this was a good idea. It was not until morning that they realised their mistake.

To assist with this piece of crap-- err, writing-- the girls decided to make things a whole lot more interesting by adding two original female characters named Alexandra "Alex" Arganaugh and Cassidy "Cassie" Snape into the Harry-Potterverse.

Never fear dear readers! These characters would not become Mary Sues for the writers would be watching their every move from above to ensure that this would not happen. Even if they came close they would not cross the line and would not display any Mary Sue-ish behaviour and if you should happen to spot any it is not our goddamn fault as you people really are too picky--

"Dreamer, that's enough, we do not want to offend our readers!" Lady Venom scolded her friend.
"Whatever." The Dreamer shrugged. One of Venom's zombie chimps appeared with a silver tray of drinks, and the girls both took one.
"Maybe you two should get on with the story instead of bickering." He said in his slurred, living-dead-monkey voice.
The girls turned to Venom's computer and got to work.

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns the Harry Potterverse. We own the additional characters (especially Shizzle, he's ours, you can't have him!), plot, and other stuff.

Chapter 1

"You sure you're all right Ron?" Harry asked as they crossed the Great Hall. "You've been looking off colour all morning."

"Been sick all night and its worse this morning," Ron replied, dully.

"Why not go to the hospital wing, then?"

"No way...you know Pomfrey's solution to anything is always Pepper Up potion, and have you tasted that stuff?"

"Good point."
"I just hope it's not Wizard's Flu." Ron grumbled.
"Wizards have their own flu now?" Harry asked lamely.
"It's not like ordinary flu," Hermione explained knowingly, sounding (as usual) as though she was reciting a passage from a book. "It has odd symptoms, like making strange things happen every time the patient sneezes."
"That explains my scarf turning into a twelve foot python," Ron moaned.

"Oh, fantastic." Professor Severus Snape's voice moaned. "Try to control yourself, Weasley. If one of us suddenly sprouts antlers I'll know who to blame."

Beside him was his daughter Cassidy, nicknamed Cassie, absent for the first sixteen year of her life due to her mother gaining custody after the messy divorce from her father. Cassidy immediately moved to curl herself into Harry's arms, much to Snape's annoyance.

Snape had never approved of Cassie and Harry's relationship but Cassie had made it blatantly clear that she didn't care. Harry, his emerald eyes fixed worriedly on Ron, wrapped his arms around Cassie's slender frame and absently nuzzled at her long chocolate-brown hair.

"Is it contagious?" Cassie asked.
"Not usually, but it can be transmitted through some forms of physical contact." Hermione explained. They suddenly heard voices coming up the stairs from the dungeons, which distracted them from the current problem.

"Come on Dracs, you only get to live once."

"How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?"

"Not enough times apparently."

"Well I'm telling you again. And I'm not smoking that garbage, it smells like someone died."

"Fine then, your loss. But if you ever change your mind..."

"I'll be sure to check myself into an asylum, because you'd have to be crazy to touch that filth."

Cassie grinned.

That bickering could only be her childhood friend Alexandra "Alex" Arganaugh. They had known each other as long as she could remember and had enrolled at Hogwarts together when their mothers decided to move to Britain.

Alex came into the hall arguing with Draco Malfoy. His cronies Crabbe and Goyle followed.

"You know what your problem is? You're too uptight. When you decide to get rid of that broom you've got shoved up your arse give me a call."

Ron sneezed and suddenly Draco found himself staggering under the weight of a pair of extremely large and heavy antlers which had sprouted from the top of his head just above his ears. Alex burst out laughing.

"Oh shut up." He snapped. "It's not that funny."

"Yes it is!" Alex spurted between giggles.

Inexplicably, Snape waved his wand and somehow managed to remove the antlers.

"Okay, that was weird." Cassie said, stunned.

However, things were about to get weirder.



Suddenly, Ron sneezed again, and with a similar sensation to that of a portkey, the group felt themselves being removed from the Great Hall.