– –
One day, the team were sitting around in the hub, doing whatever it was that they did when they weren't on a mission. This wasn't very much. Tosh was none to secretly playing World of Warcraft- she really wanted to get her Elf character to level 53- thinking about how much her love life sucked. Owen was also playing World of Warcraft, but not if you asked him, and thinking about how much he hated being an irrationally, medically impossible zombie, since he couldn't get laid. Gwen was doodling 'Gwen Harkness' as well as little rainbows and puppy dogs all over a folder, while thinking of ways she could save everyone in the wide whole world, and make their lives better. And ways she could get into Jack's pants.
Ianto was busy getting into Jack's pants, and Jack was busy being fucked in the archives. Neither one of them was thinking about much of anything.
Janet was having a deep philosophical discussion with the weevil who was a temporary resident in the next cell, about the merits of playing dumb around humans, and allowing oneself to be kept permanently in said cells. The other weevil seemed to think it made her some kind of pet, but Janet retorted that they didn't expect anything of her because they thought she was stupid, and being feed raw ground beef daily was much better than trying to catch food in the sewers. In the cells was also warm, dry, and did not smell of shit, so where was the downside?
Myfanwy was swooping overhead, trying to see if there were any bits of food for the thieving, and wondering how long it would take the fandom to realise 'she' was in fact a male pteranodon, not a female pterodactyl.
It was such e perfectly quiet day, in fact that something was bound to happen quite soon. This is a Torchwood, after all.
It was just as Ianto was coming upstairs to make some after sex coffee, feeling very well pleased with himself. He'd made Jack scream, and beg, and do a whole lot of other things that, according to Jack, Jack never did. And Jack had promised to return the favour.
That was when the hub filled with a sudden- and most atrociously, unnecessarily loud, Ianto thought- whirring noise. And then a blue police telephone box materialised nest to Tosh, making her yelp with surprise, and also completely botch the battle she was currently involved in, killing her character.
Ianto paused to stare, unamused, at what he knew was the TARDIS. The TARDIS meant the appearance of the Doctor was imminent, and he did not care for the Doctor. That Time Lord had conspired to, and very nearly succeeded in, breaking up he and Jack. Not to mention getting Jack tortured by his (the Doctor's) ex-boyfriend, and calling him wrong. As far as Ianto was concerned, the only person who ever got to say the word 'wrong' to Jack was him, and then in the context of 'no Jack, I'm right, and YOU are wrong.' That was a right he reserved as current boyfriend. The Doctor had lost that privilege when he became Jack's ex-boyfriend. It occurred to Ianto suddenly that there really were a lot of ex-boyfriends involved in this mess.
Soon enough, the door of the TARDIS creaked open- creaked loudly and ostentatiously, as if begging for attention- to reveal … not the Doctor. Rather, a tall, perfectly tanned girl, with perfect, sparkling teeth, big breast and a small waist, sparkling clear blue eyes and long, waist length blonde hair.
"Liek, ZOMFG,' the girl said, "this is like sooooooo cooooollll!"
She twirled in a neat little circle, taking in her surrounding, pausing when she saw Ianto. "U R hawt."
Ianto raised his eyebrows in dignified, confused disbelief.
"OMG, you are hawt two!!11" she shouted, catching sight of Tosh. She noticed Gwen and Owen as well not long after, "U r all hawt!"
"Well, I'm sure we're all very pleased know you think so," Ianto said, as his colleges stared in confusion, "Miss …."
"My name is Amber Luna Star'Fire Moonbeam."
Ianto's eye brows fell, "Right, Miss Amber Luna Star'Fire Moonbeam," he replied. "Who are you, exactly?"
"I m Ambre Luna Star'Fier Moonbeam!" she shouted.
Unnoticed by then, the Doctor had exited the TARDIS as well, and heaved an exaggerated sigh, slumping his shoulders dramatically. "That's about all I can get out of her, really. That and the endless insistence that I absolutely must take her to see Jack Harkness. No why, mind, just the demand. Didn't want to do it, you know, but honestly she wouldn't let up! And, well, you know how people who talk too much are, eventually, you'll do just about anything to get them to stop! And she didn't really seem harmful, just excitable."
"Indeed," Ianto said, dryly. He regarded Amber, who was squealing in excitement over the shoulder of a bemused Tosh.
"I'm, uh, I'm creating a more accurate remote rift monitoring system, with greater security as well so … "
'LOL XD!!!!" Amber interrupted.
"Shall I go and get Jack, than?" Ianto asked no one in particular.
"Please mate," Owen said, "and some coffee would be nice as well, yeah?"
Ianto ignored Owen's constant demand for coffee, setting off instead for the archives, where he planned to disappoint a very horny Jack. And he wasn't, ah, disappointed himself, as the moment he got into the room they were using as a sex den (it had a very nice bed with posh sheets that Jack had bought in the corner), he was shoved face first against a wall by a very aroused Jack Harkness.
"You took too long," Jack muttered, nibbling Ianto's earlobe, "I almost got tired of waiting and came after you."
"Jack …" Ianto began, delicately.
"No!" came Jack's forceful reply, "We haven't been getting enough alone time lately, you said so yourself, and you promised me this morning we'd shag each other stupid in the archives, no interruptions let the others deal with the rift. And no paperwork, you need a break."
"Jack."
Jack's grip loosened a bit on Ianto's arms, and became more of a soft embrace, the kind that Ianto would melt into under normal circumstances. "We can just snuggle in bed, a bit save round three for latter, if you like."
"It's not that Jack," Ianto said, turning in his arms but not pushing him away.
"Hey, where's the coffee?"
"Can you focus for a moment on something that's not coffee or sex?"
Jack seemed to ponder this a moment. "No," he answered.
"The Doctor is upstairs, along with a girl who meets the description 'Dumb Blond' better than anyone I've ever met. She wants you."
Jack was dumbfounded, "You came to tell me that the Doctor and a random blond want me?"
"Yes," Ianto replied, "I know you won't try anything."
"And how do you know that, Mr Jones?" Jack leered.
Ianto smirked, "Because you enjoy the privilege or fucking me far too much, sir."
"Speaking of fucking you …"
"No," Ianto deadpanned.
"Please? Please, please, please," Jack whined.
"No," Ianto said.
"But Yanyans, I wuv you," Jack said, in a childish voice, "And I'm hard."
"Jack," Ianto said carefully, "One, yan yans are a kind of Japanese snack food, which you should know, as Tosh brings them in sometimes, and you've eaten them … "
"I eat you, too."
Ianto ignored him and continued, "Two, if you're trying to get into my pants, the best way is not, as you well know, to say 'I wuv you, yanyans', in a baby voice. It's demeaning, insulting, and makes you look like an idiot."
Jack decided to play dirty then, the bastard, he always played dirty. He pressed his body back against Ianto's, resting his hands on Ianto's hips lightly, and leaned in close to Ianto's ear. "Is this better?" he asked, before biting his earlobe.
Ianto shuddered, realizing he'd lost. "A quickie," ha muttered.
"Oh, but that's no fun," Jack answered, as he licked his way down Ianto's neck, "They can wait. You're much more important."
– –
About the only conscious thought that Owen Harper had experienced in the past fifteen minutes was 'Tits ….'
Well, that wasn't really very fair to him, as he'd also thought 'Boobs' a few times and 'Oh why the fuck is it that I don't meet a girl with tits like this until after I'm the fucking dead weevil king?'
Suffice it to say, however, that he had not stopped staring at that girl … oh what the hell was her name? Something long and annoying. Anyway, he hadn't sopped staring at her since she got their, because those were the mos perfect, huge tits he had ever seen. And her shirt was too small. And she wasn't wearing a bra. It was probably the most amazing day he'd had since dying. In fact, he was so intent on staring at her rack, that it took him a moment to notice when it's owner had moved, and was in fact, standing in front of him.
"Hai," said Amerb Luna Straw'berries Moonbeam.
"Hello," said Owen, "I'm Doctor Owen Harper, I don't think we met. I'm the team medical specialist."
'' wow~! U are a Dr.!! Tha is soo cooolll!"
"Thank you," Owen smirked. Well, if he couldn't shag her, he could at leas keep her over here, talking to him and giving him a front row seat for staring at her knockers.
"I am a Drocter Too!!!!" Ambre Lima Srar'fier Moosebeam said, flippping her hair sexily, "I was the youngster Doctrine to evah graduate fro Harvard Law!"
Owen nodded, his head beginning to hurt from the inane prattle the girl was spouting. Even if he wasn't actually listening. He thought for a moment, then said, "So would you like a … tour of my medical facilities?"
"OMG!1 hat wood be soo AWESOME!"
"Yeah," Owen muttered, taking her arm and leading her in the proper direction.
":This is so ecsiteing!"
"But you know there's a lot of, delicate equipment in here, so we have to be really quiet, no talking at all, right?"
"OF corse. I no how 2 be quiet," replied Amber Lina Strad'ivarius Moodbean.
"That is wonderful," Owen smirked. Damn it, if his cock still worked, he would marry this girl. After buying ear plugs, of course.
XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDX
It was nearly a full half hour before Ianto and jack made their reappearance, Ianto sporting that 'just shagged' glow, and Jack grinning rather obnoxiously at the back of his head.
And that wasn't the only thing that Ianto was sporting, Gwen noticed.
"Um, you might want to look at your neck," she said to Ianto.
"Hmm?" Ianto raised his eyebrows before realizing what she meant and flushing crimson. To his credit, he recovered quickly, saying, "Wish you had one as well, Gwen?"
Jack decided to but in, "What're you talking about?"
"You left a mark, Jack," Gwen said, "Letting the Doctor know what's yours?"
"Yep," Jack grinned.
"Once more, Jack, I think we need to discuss things like boundaries, and sexual harassment," Ianto said in a long-suffering tone.
"There is no sexual harassment policy in Torchwood," Tosh said, waling over to them. "And that's a good thing, too, or else Jack would be in jail."
"Hey!"
"So, where is the Doctor and our …" Ianto searched for the proper word, "guest?"
"The Doctor got tired of waiting and went back aboard the TARDIS, saying he needed some tea," Tosh supplied.
"And Owen is given Amber a 'tour' of the medical bay," Gwen finished.
Ianto wondered how Owen managed to always think with his cock, even after it was dead.
"Well, I suppose I'll go and get them, then?" Ianto asked, turning towards the medical bay.
Too late, apparently, as there was a sudden, ear splitting shriek, as Amber came into the room, catching site of Jack.
"DADDY!!!!!" she cried, wrapping her arms tightly around a very bemused Jack Harkness.