Personal hell

Warnings : If you are here, you have probably seen the series, so you can guess what you might encounter here. There will be swearing, and mention of rape, death, suicide and suicidal thoughts. If you are young or sensitive about any of these subjects, please pass your way.

Disclaimer : 13 reasons why is the property of Netflix.

Seriously, is that my life? Or am I in some freaking show starring egotistical bastards?

Sad thing is, yes, this is my life. And I am one of those fucking assholes.

Marcus called us, asking to meet at Monet's and discuss the coming depositions. And for some reason, we all obeyed like good, well-trained dogs.

What the fuck am I doing here? I want to tell the truth. I think I could even say that I have been hoping for something like those pseudo-hearings to happen.

I am not Clay. I can't go around and demand answers from those who played a part in Hannah's death. I just can't.

Maybe I am just a freaking coward. But, there is the fact : I have always tried to fit in. I care about what others think of me. I want my father's approbation and attention, and he is not the most subtle man.

Because here is the truth : people don't judge you objectively, carefully weighing the good and the bad. They judge you by who you hang out with. By how cool you act, how many parties you go to, how much you drink during those parties, how much you smoke. By how many girls you shag.

And in this fucking highschool, it seems whether or not the girls wanted to is somehow secondary.

Fucking Bryce.

Courtney and Marcus can act like the perfect kids and pretend all they like, I have no doubt that Hannah told the truth. They just don't want to hear it – especially Courtney. I guess it is quite comical in a way. Those two always act as though they are the most mature teens in the school – student coucil, perfect grades, prestigious universities and all that shit. But in the end, they are the ones suggesting we all hide the truth like some kid hiding his sheets because he peed in his bed. Or to hide behind a fucking rapist.

Even that word seems to shock them. Hello, dudes, a girl died and another is clearly going to shit lately, who cares about your delicate ears ?

To be honest, I am not sure what Hannah wanted to achieve with those tapes. She didn't give any instructions beyond listening. And I doubt even Mr Porter would want those tapes to go public – he has had more than enough time to speak up if he truly wanted to. This would probably destroy his career.

Perhaps she hoped Bryce would go to jail. Or that someone would help her old friend Jess. Or she wanted some revenge but knew she would never be able to do it alive. Or she simply wanted that those who pushed her to kill herself would know of their part, and didn't care what the hell they would do after that.

Regardless, it worked. I know what I did is not comparable to Bryce's actions, or even Tyler's. But it was wrong. I fed the fire, for a fucking stupid reason.

I mean, really, I gave up – destroyed – a sincere friendship and a relationship to be welcomed in a group of fucking rapists ? Or, at least, one rapist and his adoring crowd ? I was happy and proud to be a part of that fucking crowd ? What is it about our fucking society that makes you choose between being social and stupid or being independant and mocked ?

Anyway, Hannah, good job. I don't think I will ever be able to really move on, much less forget. My fucking stupid and egotistical actions led you to your death.

I am barely seventeen, and I am already a murderer. Like everyone sitting around this table.

How come it seems I am the only one who gives a shit about this ? How come the others can sweep your pain and their actions under a nice carpet so easily ?

It's fucking unfair, you know ? I know Clay feels guilty, but really he was just a nice kid acting shy around a girl he liked – can't really blame it for that. But he didn't know that when he first started asking questions or searching for ways to make some of us pay. I just don't have that kind of courage to try and seek justice myself.

And it seems I am not enough of an asshole to bury it all either, like those guys.

So here I am. Stuck in the middle. Wondering how the hell I am supposed to live with all that.

So yeah, Marcus and his court can argue all they want, I will tell the truth – so will Clay, and maybe also Sheri, Justin and Jess. I don't know what's gonna happen after the depos. What kind of punishment do you give to someone for being an asshole ?

I know what many people will say and think. We are just kids. We didn't realize the extent of our actions. And, in a way, I guess it's true. But I knew I was being a dick. And I did it anyway. Should we be left off easy just because we are minors ? We probably will.

Thing is, I don't want to. I don't think you suddenly become wise just because you reach legal age. Clearly, Hannah was old enough to be hurt enough to go and kill herself. Seems a bit unfair we should get away with lines and a fine that will be mostly paid with our parents' money.

Guess the real punishment will be the memories and the what-ifs. Life will go on, just like it always do. We will complete our legal penalties, and then people will pat our back and tell us not to do it again. And then they will forget.

I won't. Ever.

So, good job, Hannah. I am not sure it's what you wanted, but if it was, you succeeded. You accomplished what a judge could never do : you condemned me to a life-sentence in my personal hell.