My thoughts, my life II

This was at first a one shot fic I wrote about Bumblebee but, I decided to write this one on Optimus. This covers he's feelings and thoughts right after returning from the battle in Egypt. He reveals some of his personal feelings in this log of his life before becoming Prime, about his sparkmate, Bumblebee and others. He too talks of life here on earth and what he would like to do.

I don't own any of the transformers or any character in this story they belong to Hasbro, DreamWorks and Paramount studios. and yes if you can PLEASE review! oh and stop by my profile page, I have updated it the other day, thanks!

Personal Log 1-10-10 0400hrs.

I came out of recharge early again this morning but, before I did I had another string of flashbacks of my past before I became Prime. When Jetfire sacrificed himself for me I acquired new powers from him I've never known. For weeks after returning Ratchet has watched over me for changes or problems that might arise from them. But instead, I have felt slightly different than before. Like well, for one I am having constant flashbacks of my life before the war remembering a life of a civilian and when I was in charge of just me and doing my simple dock job. There are also flashbacks of my beloved sparkmate Elita and how in love we were and our personal dreams of the future ahead for us. Two, which still puzzles me, is the uncanny ability to sense how others are feeling and somehow I have a more understanding of our history through Jetfire's knowledge. But what does it all mean? How does it fit into the larger scream of things and for those under my command? Does it mean that Elita is alive and is coming here soon and maybe the war is coming to an end and we all will be able to return to a civilian life here on earth?

Ironhide, he hasn't let me out of he's sight since returning. He's not much on words he never was but when he did speak he spoke from he's spark. Ironhide has spent the most of his mechhood a warrior before the war he was my guardian and head of the police detail for Iacon for as long as I can remember and after the war broke out he became my weapon specialist. He often would stop by the docks personally to inspect that safety was first and that all crews knew that. I was foremech for the last three years before the war and he was hard on me about the rules and regulations that needed to be passed monthly. I wasn't so mature then and that along with my impatience for rules, rules and more rules lead me later to see that it was just as important as hanging out with the guys and drinking high grade. I was a sneaky but never the less a prankster back then. But, I was incredibly shy and often quite around people in general. I know he felt guilty he couldn't get there soon enough for me. I've talked with him about that day when I died in the forest and the events that took place in the days following. He did talk much but, I've known him long enough to know it was hard for him. I told him that, "what ever you might think, you didn't fail me." He sort of nodded but then looked away and said while facing away from me, " Optimus, I hope the boy Sam can come to terms with this better than you and you better be there for him and show him the way." He said in he's usual rough voice but I knew what he met by what he said. I replied, "Yes, so do I," I had sworn personally that I would never make anyone do something they truly didn't believe in or want to do. "Freedom is the right of all sentiment beings" became my motto from the moment I learn of my fate as prime. My whole world was turned upside down and trashed sort of speak. I learned painfully but learned how to deal with it as anyone would learn how to swim in order to live. I put my personal feelings aside along with my life and the dreams me and Elita had. Ironhide saw me struggle with the mantle of leadership for a long time and often he was the one mech that saw my deepest sorrows. There was no apprenticeship nor manual that came with the title but, a war that was raging on and life and death decisions to be made. After the first battle when Megatron was killed we all had thought the end of the war was in sight. Shortly after sector seven was disband the US government and I formed an elite highly skilled group of soldiers. The brave squad of soldiers that fought along side of us and my officers during the first battle joined with my team and we became known as NEST; we hunted for what remain of our decepticon foes around the globe. Major Lennox and I have worked together for almost three years now and I have gotten to know him very well and do consider him a trusted friend. We have sat down and swiped stories and do share a lot in common more than I at first would have ever believed. I trust him with my life and have trusted him to lead my officers in several mission. I have found it truly amazing that there is a species much like my own and it has comfort me to see that we share the same dreams and hopes. Earth reminds me some of Cybertron before the war, we had families, social events and entertainment much like they do here and it has given me some peace inside for once. I feel that we were somehow met to come here to learn of the humans who are much like us. I see bits and pieces of our history through the powers I have now and realize more than ever that this world should not share the same fate as Cybertron. Too, it has renew my hopes of returning to a civilian life but, for me and those here we could never return to Cybertron our true home.

It saddens me to think that the others are not here, that if they were they would come to love this world just as much I have. I hope someday more will come here I hope it's not to late.

My deeper thoughts and some flashbacks have been of my beloved sparkmate, Elita. I remember the first day I ever saw her and some how knew then she was the only femme for me. I fell in love with her the first day I laid optics on her. She is so independent and yet resourceful not to mention had a beautiful body. She was tall and slim but strong! If any mech thought she was unable to take them down needs only to frag up once in making a move on her; ouch! she would and has dented quiet a few crotch plates. A smile comes to me as I sit here typing away thinking of back then when we were first in love and I was so shy and bashful, she told me years later,

"Orion," that was my name before the war. "Orion, I love you just the way you are, all shy, timid and clumsily and attractive don't ever forget who you are cause I never will."

I'll forget you ever my Elita, damn I wish you were here, I wish you could see this place cause I know you would love it as I have come to. We were bonded shortly before the war and shortly after the war broke out I found out that she was expecting. No one outside of Ironhide and Ratchet knew but she wasn't one to sit around cause I knew that she was equally the battle femme warrior I was as a mech. She was after all my femme commander. While it didn't kill her she was badly injured during a battle and well, she lost our first sparkling. For a long time she stayed quite and as soon as she was medically released she force her way through the day not giving in and fought a many who tried to convince her to take a leave of absent.

"I know no fear that can not be overcome and with that I will," she said standing in the command center one day. I remember that day just as clear as if it was yesterday. She was always strong in spark and worked hard to live by that each day. She was my strength during my early years as prime and I often was the one lending on her shoulder for strength. No matter what I'll always be in her debt, she was my soul, my everything that I lived for and still do. She will survive and make it here someday soon I hope for I will not let the fear of loosing her destroy me either.

My 'little one' has grown up and flied away this week I guess. I can still remember the day I found him scared and clinging to he's femme creator buried under rumble from their one story home it sadly was to late to save her. I must have spent hours trying to convince him it's okay but I finally did and winded up being the only person he trusted for awhile. I remember when we got him back to base and I cleaned him up. He stayed cling to me that whole night and for most of the following week it seem. But, slowly but surly he moving closer to Elita as a surrogate mother and the one he trusted more than anyone. It seem as a blessing from Primus that Bee came in our lives for it was little over a year ago when we lost our first sparkling and Bee couldn't be much older than a few months. Then with patience and time he began to trust the others in my inner circle. Jazz was he's closes friend or more like a older brother to him instead of a guardian cause he often would be with him a lot as he got older. He told me how he felt as he got older too and I wept in private later that week as we made it back to base and I was alone for the first time since the battle. I never met for him to feel distant from me, it couldn't be prevented no matter how I felt. If Megatron saw the attachment I had for Bee he would have surly killed him at the battle on tyger Pax. Ironhide I have to thank for Bee's strength in times of need. The mech was also a guardian to Bee and often was caring for him more than anyone. Bee is about the only mech I have known that could make him either laugh or run like pit. Bee learned his childish pranks from the twins Sunstreaker and Sideswipe and they three often made me the butt of their pranks. He later told me it was because he never saw me smile or laugh anymore. I guess the war is to blame for that. During my months recovering and rest I have daily written to him. He has shared with me for the first time the events that occurred at the dam. But too he said, "that those days are pass me now and I see and look forward to better times."

It is true he has dealt with a lot of sadness and death, fear and anger. Yet too after the first battle I sensed he was changing. Jazz died that day he's best friend and confidante the one he looked up to the most as he became a mech. They both have the same personalities, both were not afraid to speak their minds and both loved music. Jazz, he had a way of being formal but, informal too he knew when to break the formality and make someone laugh. Bee had came here before us and had instantly fell in love with the life of a civilian and now I have no choice but to accept that; it is his choice and I have told him so while we were on the carrier heading back here. I wanted him to do what he wants to do as with Sam, he wanted to return to his classes and finish he's schooling as he should. While I am saddened by his resignation from the ranks I am not surprised either he never really had a sparklinghood he grew up in fear and saw way to much death and learned from a young age how to kill in order to survive. Ron and Judy have move to the east coast to be closer to Sam but, they have realized that Sam needs he's own space as does Bee. I talked with them Yesterday as a matter of fact, Ron has shared with me some of Sam's early years as I have of Bee and with that in common we both have learn to let them go. Bee was always a loner at times like me and we both could think better alone. But when he didn't want to be found he just shield he's signature frequency and no one could find him. That worked out for he's betterment as he grew older and I have to say I have lost a damn good scout and the best spy I have ever known.

Well it's six o'clock now and shortly my berthside alarm will ring starting the normal time I would get up now. Since returning we all have kinda stuck to ourselves reflecting and resting but keeping an ever alert out for Megatron to return. The others have been by daily to talk as I look over plans I wrote for our future here on earth before Megatron came back to life.

I had investigated then the possibility of working as a long haul driver for the military they always need drivers of big rigs all the time for they are constantly moving large equipment to various bases through out the states. Ratchet though is unsure of what he sees in his near future nothing but what he does now that's for sure. Ironhide he'll help upgrade weapons the humans use now with better safeties and improve it's range. Sideswipe he'll wait on his brother to show up, he's told me before, "I know he'll show and the others and your Elita too! you wait they'll come." He really hasn't show much interest in anything outside of music, well at least what he likes I listen to sometimes when the rock n roll side of me comes out and we break out in a drag down chase across the island. The kid didn't think I could still give him a good chase the other day when he had glued something on the bottom of my favorite cup and I couldn't pick it up.

The twins in time I think will settle down and stop fighting each other so much. Their good kids just they happen to have grow up during a war and saw the death of both their creators. They had been on the run for thousands of years until they heard my call. I never met them before but they knew of me though their family who knew my creator Alfa Tron. I have heard them talk to me normally for the first time last week as we three sat out on the beach while I listen to them tell me of the planet they escaped to after leaving Cybertron. They were sparked shortly after I had became prime and live on the furthest side of the planet. Their talking the way they do is for attention and their constant fighting is because of the way life has forced them to be, competitive in order to survive. They had to fight for energon, a safe place to rest and still stay on the run from Astrotrain and he's troops who they saw killed their parents.

I hope soon things settle down and the humans and us can build a better trust. Since the battle and the tragic loss of life thought out the world that day; tensions with the United States and the other leaders around the world have been tense. And indeed the secret is out, I have listen to the local and international news agency for the past few weeks and I have even wrote a few letters to some of the allies along with Major Lennox with the general permission. Sighting the need to understand each other and that I hope with our advance knowledge we could bring forward better technologies and improve health. And work together on dramatic reduce the green house effect that has plague this planet and has been site as the main cause of global warming that has brought on more deadlier natural disasters. I hope fate might give us a helping hand with this hope I have for both our species so that it can lead to a greater understanding of us, the Autobots.

okay, reviews please, pretty please ! if you have time and I hope you enjoyed it!