"We won," I panted. "We beat the Soc's. We stomped them- chased them outa our territory."
Johnny didn't even try to grin at me. The look on his face made the fist over my heart tighten, I felt like a shattered window.
"Useless... fight in's no good..." I was afraid. No. No... Im never afraid... Johnny'll be fine!
I licked my lips nervously.
"They're still writing editorials about you in the paper. For being a hero and all." My voice is to calm and my words are rushin' out in a hurry. How do they navigate through the lump in my throat?
"Yeah, they're calling you a hero now and heroizin' all the greasers. We're all proud of you, buddy."
Johnny's eyes glowed...
"Ponyboy."
Pony leaned toward him. I had nearly forgotten he was there...
"Stay gold Pony, stay gold..." No...no...no no no no! I swallowed and reached over to push Johnny's hair back.
"Never could keep that hair back... that's what you get for tryin' to help people, you little punk, that's what you get..."
Whirling suddenly, I slammed back against the wall. Pain shot through me.
NO! This wont happen! I wont let it! I can't let it...
"Blast it, Johnny..." I beg, slamming one fist against the wall, hammering it to make it obey my will. It has to do what I want it to! Something has to... He should have stayed in that car and ignored those kids. He should have... should have... "Oh, blast it, Johnny, don't die, please don't die..." I ran. Thats all I could do. I ran.
It was cold and dark with the rain pouring down around me while I ran. Everything was coming down around me. I couldn't keep my walls up any longer. I failed. I failed Johnny. I failed Pony. I failed the gang. He's gone now. he doesn't need me. I'm not needed. I was glad it was raining, otherwise people would see the tears I had tried so hard to hide. I tried to block out the world, fighting, breaking the law, getting drunk, it dulled the sad feeling for a while but it was still there. Its always there, haunting me. That little cruel voice in my head that says 'you cant block it out for long' and 'Johnny may believe in you now but he will eventually see you break. Then who'll be the hero?'.
No... No... No. No. No. No!
My lungs burned. My legs ached. I ignored it. I couldn't hear anything but the roaring of wind in my ears, my vision tainted red. The adrenaline was wonderful. I kept running until couldn't run any more. I looked around me. The lot?
"Figures..." I muttered, My voice thick and hoarse. I collapsed onto the couch that Johnny had sometimes slept on if it was warm outside. Johnny. He didn't deserve it. So much anger and resentment I had against his awful parents. When he came over to the Curtis's with bruises and cuts still evident on his face. He had been so afraid...But he was still the bravest of all of us. It's over now. The couch smelled of rain, rust, and...Johnny.
Memories started to fill my vision. Before Johnny was jumped, when he was happy and smiling joking around with the boys. After he was jumped, when he wouldn't talk to anyone for a week. Tears started to fall again. Then I remembered the theater when the kid stood up to me. I was angry, but I was proud of him for being brave. Then when he came for me at the party after he had killed the Soc. He looked so afraid, his face pale, his jaw clenched that I had almost wanted to give him a hug.
No. Dallas Winston doesn't give people hugs...he's hard and cold... Not anymore. Everybody has a breaking point, and I found mine. I remember that lunch at the Dairy Queen, it felt like years ago, when we laughed at the Soc.'s The look on Johnny's face when he said they were turning themselves in, the first sign of affection and how I really felt about jail. The fear that had gathered in my stomach when they ran for the building. The terror and despair I felt when I ran into the building and saw Johnny unconscious, with a burning piece of wood on his back.
When I saw him dying in a hospital bed... When he told Pony to stay gold... I didn't know what that meant, but I sensed it was important to him. I wanted Johnny to be ok... I wanted to be were he is... I got up from the musty old couch and ran. I felt the unloaded heater in my waist band. I was going to rob a store.
And get caught.
10 minutes later...
Red and blue. Sirens screaming. A heavy bag. Pounding heart. Running footsteps.
It's all pretend.
I barely knew what I was doing as I ran down the dark road. All I knew was I needed to make it look real, and that I need to get to Johnny. I kept running. Suddenly, I took a sharp turn down an ally and back around to the next street. I saw a pay phone, and quickly called the Curtis'. I barely knew what I was saying. I told them to meet me at the lot and to find somewhere to hide me. Not that it would really happen. I turned and ran toward the lot.
Red and blue. Sirens screaming. A heavy bag. Pounding heart. Running footsteps.
Memories flashing through my vision.
I thought back to when I was ten and first arrested. It was somewhat like this, but I was caught much more easily. Children can only run so far. You are still a child. your barely seventeen. much more like a cruel joke than a robbery you idiot. That cruel little voce was back, taunting me. It happened when I was ten to. I covered my ears, hoping it block out some of the awful whispering.
Red and blue. Sirens screaming. A heavy bag. Pounding heart. Running footsteps.
I was at the lot.
I saw the gang running towards me. This is it. I pulled out my gun. I was about to die, but un eerie calm settled over me like a cloud. I had never felt more alive. Gunshots. pain. shouting. Black clouds my vision. so this is what its like to die. I look at the stars. I know now that me and Jonny will be in them together.
Red and blue. Sirens screaming. A heavy bag. Pounding heart. Running footsteps.
I am done. it's finally ov
And It Was Over