So. Over eight years ago, I sat down and wrote this fanfic, posting it to the PlanetDiablo forums. Last week, it occurred to me, that I wrote it over five computers ago. And sure enough, not a singly copy existed on any of my own machines. Fortunately, the internet has saved it, and before I lose it again, I am reposting Lord of Distractions, a Diablo2 parody, to , where hopefully it will live out a long and fruitful life undoubtably devoid of reviews and favorites. Enjoy reading (or re-reading, if you're a long-lost fan) it. Questions may or may not get answered in an afterword. - BlueNinja

Act One

The warrior struggled, but to no avail. The undead held him firmly, waiting for their master's word. They had captured his caravan the night before, slaughtering everyone, but dragging him away after they battered him unconscious. His skills had been for nothing, as every time he struck down one of the skeletons, it reformed moments later.

Somewhere in the darkness, a metal door clanged open. He jerked his head up, eyes trying desperately to see anything in the pitch black. It closed again, and scraping footsteps headed his way. "So, you are the warrior Tyrael picked to cause us problems," a voice hissed from the darkness. Slick and smooth, it continued. "It wasn't hard to find someone willing to sell you out. That poor girl you left behind was just heartbroken."

The warrior drew back, doubts forming in his mind. Had his sister so opposed his quest to become a fighter that she would have betrayed him? Torturous thoughts whirling around in his head, he missed the next words of his captor. But when red light suddenly blossomed, all thoughts fled his mind.

His captor stood there, at least ten feet high. Shadows seemed to wrap themselves around him, and his skin was a bruised color everywhere. Great horns, like a ram, curled out the sides of his head, and his teeth were layered and sharper than any predator. "Belial!" the warrior gasped, fighting desperately to free himself from undead hands.

The demon laughed quietly, a noise that wormed its way into his very bones. The warrior shivered, shaking his head back and forth to try and rid himself of the sound. Belial lunged forward, wrapping a clawed hand around his prisoner's chin. "You will be dead soon, and so painful will it be for you. I will enjoy watching your suffering."

So carefully, Belial took one of the warrior's hands, and very methodically broke every bone. Listening to the screams, like some sort of demented music, he laughed again. "Oh, yes, what a pleasure you will be to break, mortal."

In a small room, somewhere in Heaven, Hadriel and Gabriel drew back from the divination crystal. "This doesn't bode well for our plans," Hadriel said. "We have barely a few days to come up with something to stop their plans."

Gabriel drummed his fingers on the tabletop, wrapping his wings around him for comfort. "I know. Sometimes I wonder if our battle with Hell must always be fought with mortals, like a strange game of chess." The other angel laughed, and Gabriel gave him an affronted look. "Well, the comparison is an apt one, you must admit."

Hadriel sighed, nodding reluctantly. "Perhaps. But you can hardly argue that Tyrael's plan to prevent Diablo from freeing his brothers would have been inefficient."

Gabriel shrugged. "They have numbers, we have righteousness. Still, what shall we do now?"

Hadriel laughed. "Simple, my friend. I'm going to cheat."

The other angel looked at him oddly. "What are you talking about?"

In response, Hadriel tapped the crystal on the table. The image changed, splitting and showing seven different people. "I've been doing a little bit of study of mortals. These seven are of interest, mainly because they're unexpected. If we send all of them, I think that it is inevitable that Diablo will be defeated."

Gabriel looked up with a raised eyebrow. "Perhaps. Individually, I would dismiss them as nothing. But as you say, together they seem to be far more powerful than Tyrael's chosen hero." He rose abruptly. "Very well, you redirect them to the Sisterhood's camp, and I will do my best to make sure they get there.

As he reached for the door, Hadriel stopped him. "There's another worry, Gabriel. Only about a dozen of us knew about Tyrael's chosen hero." Gabriel went completely still under his hand. "So either one of the highest angels has betrayed us … or Belial has managed to get a spy even into the highest levels of Heaven."

Gabriel slowly bowed his head, resting it against the door. "Then I will be as discrete as possible, Hadriel. But that thought gives me more fear than anything since the birth of the race of Man."

Tharos gasped in pain, backpedaling furiously and blocking with his shield. He muttered something obscene under his breath, and swung the wooden club, skipping it off the zombie's head. It moaned, and swung again, connecting against his buckler with a muffled clang. With another swing, the zombie's face caved in, and the monster fell to the ground.

He stood silently for a moment, looking around the dim cave. The ring of light he had found earlier lit the gloom only slightly, but nothing moved. After another moment, Tharos waved his hand, muttering the arcane sigil. The fallen zombie twitched, then the bones ripped free, climbing over each other. The skeleton stood there, swaying slightly, bony hands clutching a rusty sword.

Tharos smiled, and turned to head deeper into the cave. But with a crackling explosion, his skeleton warrior collapsed, as an arrow flew out of the darkness.

Erris pulled another arrow from her quiver and fired, the arrow vanishing up to the feathers into the demon's skull. But from around the corner, another two of them appeared. "Rakinishu!" one of them shouted, waving his torch in the air. She smiled grimly as another arrow vanished into monster flesh, and the second demon ran back around the corner with a wail.

Erris trotted forward again, pulling another arrow and nocking it on her bow. Her eyes followed the bobbing torch as the red-skinned monster stopped to peer around in the darkness. Another arrow sped away, and the torch snuffed out as the demon hit the ground. She continued trotting forward, moving deeper into the cave.

Then she almost screamed, as from the darkness ahead of her rose up a skeleton. The empty eye sockets stared through her, and it slowly raised the rusty sword it bore. But another arrow shattered the skull, and the bones collapsed into a pile.

Tharos stepped out from around the corner, his club and shield at the ready. "What the … who are you? What did you do that for?"

Erris stared at him in surprise, looking at the bones that adorned his clothes and armor. "You're a necromancer! Prepare to die, minion of evil!"

Tharos squawked, and ducked behind his buckler as an arrow skipped off it. "What in the blazes are you doing in here, you madwoman? I thought all the Sisters were back protecting the camp!"

Erris scowled. "I'm not one of the Sightless Eye, fool! I am Erris of Karcheus, and I've been sent here by Akara to cleanse this cave of all its foul inhabitants. Which includes you!"

Tharos ducked back around the corner as another arrow sped past. "What are you talking about? I was sent here by Akara!"

Oksana moved through the darkness of the cave, holding a small firebomb in her hand. "Figures," she muttered, "they have to send me out here, all by myself. Just because the headmaster finds me picking the lock on my chastity belt. At least I got the damn thing off." She stopped as a zombie lurched through the darkness, and carefully activated the trap. With an underhand toss, the trap spun through the gloom, hitting the monster on the shoulder and igniting.

Oksana rubbed her eyes, trying to clear away the dazzle. "Humph, what idiot made the rule that students have to be celibate, anyway? Not like it would affect our performance, anyway." She continued her whispered monologue as she crept through the cave.

When she stopped again, it was not a monster that halted her. Instead, a tall, blond man, holding a mace and buckler, was crouched behind a large stalagmite, apparently examining some piece of armor he had picked up. Licking her lips, Oksana snuck up behind him, and wrapped her arms around him. "Hey there big boy, how about you and I lose some clothing?"

Tharos almost turned around, as a high-pitched scream echoed through the cave from somewhere behind him. Erris started to move around him, but the stone passageway wasn't quite wide enough. "Look here, you, er, what is your name, anyway?" she asked.

"My name is Tharos," he said, mustering up an air of injured dignity. "I was sent out here by Akara, whatever you say about it, so I suggest we find out who screamed, and go back to ask her what's what."

Erris rolled her eyes, muttering, "Fine," and the two of them dashed down the passageway. They stopped as they caught sight of Oksana, knocked on her rear, with a tall blond man standing over her.

He stared at the two newcomers, then threw his mace to the ground in disgust. "I swear, can't a chap follow through on his test without bumping over another glory-hounding adventurer?"

Tharos stopped, and looked around, as Erris helped the assassin to her feet. "A glory-hounding what? Look, my name is Tharos. Who are you two, and why are all of you interfering with my job?"

"My name is Rupert," the paladin spat, "and what do you mean, your job? I answered a want ad in the Light Times about this place, so I'd appreciate it if you'd all just shove off and go back to wherever you came from!"

"What?" The necromancer reached into a rather large pouch, and pulled out a slightly worn newspaper. "Right here, last page of the Dead News. 'Wanted: one hero to defeat forces of darkness. No experience needed, apply at Rogue Camp.' I said, I'm here on a job, and you three are interfering!"

As the necromancer and paladin squared off against each other, Garou, a druid, approached the entrance to the Den of Evil. He looked around at the smattering of fallen monsters, then looked at the raven sitting on his shoulder. "I think someone has beaten us to the task," he said. The raven cawed in reply.

With a sigh, Garou squared his shoulders, hefted his sword, and entered the cave. "Now all I have to do is follow these tracks, and I can find …" His voice trailed off as he examined the dirt floor inside the cave. "Five sets of tracks? I have to compete with five other people for this?" The raven cawed again, and Garou snarled as he headed deeper into the cave.

Back in the Rogue Encampment, Akara sighed and leaned against the wall. "Well, Kashya?"

"Humph. I'm hoping we never hear from any of them again." She scowled, shaking her head sadly. "I've never seen a bigger collection of misfits in my life. I truly hope that the real hero Tyrael promised us will appear."

"Indeed. But yet, I wonder," Akara mused aloud, "why Tyrael is so interested in this matter? In any case, it appears there is one more person."

Both rogues looked towards the gate, as a large figure strode into view. The barbarian was clad only in a rough loincloth, but the twin axes strapped to his shoulders looked battle-tested. Kashya started to smile as the warrior strode up to them.

"I, Ron Bars! You, rogue leader?" The barbarian boomed out, and Kashya turned and started coughing from his breath. Akara simply sighed, and repeated herself yet again.

"There is a place of great evil in the wilderness …"

Erris looked at Oksana. "Are those two going to argue all day? I'm sure every monster still in this cave already knows we're here." Oksana giggled, and held up a finger.

Quietly she walked around behind Rupert, and then leaped on him, wrapping her arms and legs around him and whispering in his ear. With another high-pitched scream, the paladin waved his arms wildly, before falling over backwards. As the amazon and necromancer watched in disbelief, the paladin fought wildly to free himself, finally springing back to his feet and backing away from the dark-haired woman. "Have you no shame?"

"Obviously not, and you don't have any survival skills, do you?" The voice floated out of the darkness, then a woman's face was lit as she conjured up a floating ball of light. "Though I'm still wondering how you four idiots managed to kill everything in this cave."

The sorceress stepped into the open area, scowling at everybody. "I mean, really, a scream that loud, not to mention just - mmph!" Her rant was cut short as she tripped over the end of her staff. Erris just snickered at her, and Tharos smiled slightly as he helped her back to her feet.

"What is a sorceress doing out here, anyway? For that matter, what are all of you doing here?" Tharos looked around at the group. "I mean, I answered a want ad, but I doubt the rest of you read the most popular Necromancer newspaper."

Rupert snorted. "Hardly! Every paladin must go on a quest to prove his skill and devotion to the side of Good. This is supposed to be my quest!"

Erris laughed at him. "Sure, a paladin who screams when a woman touches him?" Rupert's face burned red with embarrassment. "My teachers send every woman out into the world for a year when we reach adulthood. It's considered training for our mercenary future. They suggested I start here, and travel a bit."

Jezebel, the sorceress, shrugged and waved her staff for emphasis, almost hitting Tharos in the nose. "My master, er, former master, told me I had reached journeyman status. So she helped me cast a divination spell, and it said I was needed here."

Oksana giggled. "I got kicked out of my training school. The headmaster caught me picking the lock on my chastity belt."

The entire group stopped to stare at her. "What?" she asked as she looked at them. "I think it's a stupid rule too, but is it worth kicking me out?"

"As for me, I blame Munin," Garou said, as the group approached the entrance to the cave. "Now that I've seen all of you, I'm going back to complain to Akara. I thought I was the only person assigned to this task."

"Who the devil are you," Rupert asked, waving his mace menacingly. "And who is Munin?"

In response, Garou picked the raven off his shoulder and tossed the bird into the air. The raven let out an angry squawk, and narrowly missed the druid with a load of dropping. "He's Munin, and I'm Garou. I'm sure we can make more introductions on the way back to the Rogue camp."

As the group stepped back out into the sunlight, the looming shape of the barbarian came lumbering up. "I, Ron Bars! Who you?" The six let out a collective sigh.

"But you told me this was going to be my quest for the light!"
"It's supposed to be my job, not yours!"
"Quiet, you corpse lover! I'm the one who's supposed to be here by divination!"

Akara and Kashya stood there in silence, letting the group bicker. The only other person silent was Ron Bars, but the rogue leaders suspected that his silence was caused by stupidity, not patience. Finally, Kashya drew an arrow from her quiver and fired it, shattering on the stone wall and gaining everyone's attention.

"I don't care who got here with what directive, because I have no idea what you're all doing here in the first place!" She glared impartially at all of them, giving the sullen silence a moment longer to grow. "Good. Now then …

"My rogue scouts have just reported an abomination …"

The group of seven stood at the gates to the graveyard. In the darkening twilight, they could see and hear the shuffling of zombie feet, the tortured bodies raised by Blood Raven. Almost as one, they all turned to look at Tharos. He looked back. "What? Why are you all looking at me?"

Erris rolled her eyes. "Look, dead boy, can you tell us how many there are? I'd like to know the odds before we go in there."

Tharos looked back into the graveyard, silent for several minutes. "There are about a hundred graves. I think only about three dozen zombies though."

Jezebel glared at him. "You think? Isn't that a novel idea."

Oksana tapped the back of the sorceress' head with the flat of her katar. "Quiet, mage. Are we going in there now, or are we just going to stand here until the sun comes up tomorrow?"

"Ron Bars fight!" The loud shout made the others cringe, as all the zombies in the graveyard suddenly turned towards the gate. As they frantically readied themselves for the fight, the corrupted rogue archer appeared from the mausoleum.

Jezebel strode forward, crying out a battle cry a summoning up a fire bolt. But two steps later she tripped, as the barbarian went thundering past her. Ron Bars swung both his axes, but he seemed quickly buried under zombies.

Erris fired arrow after arrow at Blood Raven, but the rogue just cackled at her, dancing on a tombstone as she dodged every shot. Garou threw Munin into the air, drew his sword, and charged in behind the barbarian.

Oksana and Tharos looked at each other. "This doesn't look good," she muttered, fingering another firebomb in her left hand. The necromancer didn't reply, waving his club and muttering. A moment later, Oksana nodded, and tossed the bomb up into the air.

The bomb came down, landing just in front of the tombstone, impacting perfectly on the skeleton Tharos had been trying to raise. Jezebel had managed to get back to her feet, casting a fire bolt into the melee and hitting Ron Bars in the back of the head. With a roar of "Ouch!" the barbarian swung around, narrowly missing Garou with his axe as he glared at Jezebel.

Tharos turned back to Oksana and slapped her. "You dunce! I almost had her with my skeleton, but you blew it to pieces!"

"Me? Tell me what you're trying to do next time, or move a little faster!" With a quick "Humph!" she also dashed into the melee beside the barbarian and druid.

Erris finally turned around to look at Rupert. "Well? Aren't you going to do anything?"

"I am," he replied. A moment went by, and he finally continued under her glare. "It's a well known fact that paladins can help other warriors simply by their presence. So, I'm helping."

The amazon grabbed him by the shirt and pulled. "Listen, you idiot paladin, pick up that mace and go hit Blood Raven until she stops moving!" Then, with a startled yelp, she pulled him down as an arrow flew over their heads.

From the tree, the raven Munin sat and watched the whole spectacle. Finally, the bird took flight again, circling over the rogue, and letting go with another load of droppings. Blood Raven cried out in shock, and fell off the tombstone, just as one of Erris' arrows flew past. Another firebomb flew overhead past Blood Raven, destroying another of Tharos' skeletons sneaking up behind her.

In the melee, the barbarian, druid, and assassin were by now back to back, all fighting hard to fend off the zombie's strikes. Rupert came up, and sighed. "You kill a zombie like this!" With an emphatic swing, he knocked off the head of the zombie in front of him. As the paladin stood there smiling dazzlingly, the headless corpse swayed, then turned around and proceeded to pummel him.

Oksana sighed, watching him as she used her katars to block. "So cute, and yet, so clueless."

Garou snickered at her. "Somehow I think you'd be better off looking for a husband somewhere without demons."

She stopped in the middle of battle to size him up. "Why go somewhere else? There seems to be enough available men right here." She reached over to grope him, and got pecked on the hand as Munin came winging back to Garou's shoulder.

In the meantime, Jezebel had managed to work her way around the zombie melee to where Blood Raven had fallen. She tried to leap atop the same tombstone, but instead tripped over her own feet again. Her staff went flying, hitting Blood Raven in the temple and knocking the rogue out cold.

The zombies, deprived of magical leadership, all collapsed in a heap. The others stopped fighting, but Ron Bars kept hacking away until Garou stopped him. The seven slowly gathered around their unconscious foe.

Jezebel picked up her staff and carefully prodded Blood Raven. "Is she dead?"

"Nope," Tharos sighed. "Just unconscious."

With a meaty thunk, one of the barbarian's axes buried itself in her head. As the others looked at him in horror, he shrugged. "Dead," he boomed out.

"Yeah, dead all right," Erris said with a shiver. "Well, anyway, we should report this back to Akara, right?"

Akara and Kashya looked at each other in stunned disbelief as the troupe of seven came trudging back into the rogue camp shortly after dawn. Ron Bars tossed Blood Raven's head at Akara's feet. "I, Ron Bars, kill!"

"Sure, while she was unconscious on the ground."
"And you can thank me for that, my excellent throw -"
"Keep dreaming, mage, you tripped."
"If she hadn't kept bombing my skeletons I could have -"
"You're trying to blame this on me? You should cast a little faster!"

The two rogue leaders stood back once again while the six bickered, with the barbarian looking from one to another with a slightly mystified look on his face. Finally, Kashya sighed and whistled. "You know, Akara, I'm truly sorry to do this, but she asked for it."

The priestess looked astounded. "You mean, that girl … I thought you told her she had to stop her gambling?"

The mercenary nodded, and stopped as a rogue started to jog up. But when the new girl caught sight of the seven almost-heroes, she stopped and tried to run the other way. But two more rogues caught her, picked her up, and carried her to Kashya. "It's not fair," she wailed.

"Fair or not, Flora, you asked for it!" Kashya glared at the rogue as she shouted. "We've told you enough times to stop cheating the other girls out of their money!"

Flora dropped her gaze and looked at her feet. "It's not like you let me keep it, anyway. Why can't I have a little fun?"

Kashya smirked. "You can have fun, helping this group of … of …"

"Misfits?" Flora smirked back. The seven behind her glowered.

"Whatever. You're going with them. Or else." The last two words hung in the air, promising a preview of Hell is the girl did not comply.

Oksana looked Kashya up and down again. "Have you ever been to the Viz-Jaq'taar training schools? Because you sound just like an instructor, and I'd swear I'd seen that tight butt - mmph!"

Rupert quickly cut her off by stuffing his cap into her mouth. "Ehehe … anyway, Kashya, I think I speak for all of us when I say we're grateful, but we really don't need her help."

The rogue stepped up nose to nose with the paladin and glared him down. "She's going."

"Um. Right then. What now?"

Everyone looked at Akara, who stood there, eyes closed, leaning against the stone wall. "Angels and ministers of grace, defend us," she muttered, before opening her eyes and looking at the seven almost-heroes and their new henchman.

"It is clear that we are facing a great evil …"