Christina Ali 1
Good or Bad?
I'm a doctor. I know what the symptoms are. I know what the diagnosis is. I know the probability of it being wrong, yet I find myself doubting it over and over again. I stared at the positive pregnancy test in my hand. Crouched against stark white wall, sitting on the cold marble floor, I found myself paralyzed by disbelief. I had past the initial point of contemplation, the self-interrogation of what you are going to do and how it (not it) the baby was going to affect us, I had done all of that. On my singular day off in about a month, I found myself stuck alone in my apartment complex, sobbing. "My life is a joke" I thought to myself. Stiles was going to be home soon. I had planned on surprising him with dinner. Now, he has an even bigger surprise.
Stiles, a former military officer now turned sheriff deputy, was the love of my life. I was in medical school while he served his time. It was easier that way. Preoccupied with school, I could not obsess over his questionable safety. Rarely did we discuss children, when we did Stiles would make a sarcastic joke and then suggest getting a puppy. What if he says he doesn't want the baby? What am I supposed to do then? After an hour, I decided to start cleaning, as if that would make the problem go away.
I cleaned the apartment from top to bottom. Scrubbing the baseboards, wiping the walls, detailing the appliances, I did it all. I had just begun cooking when I heard the door open.
"Honey, I'm home." Stiles said jokingly. He was in a good mood today.
"In the kitchen" I replied.
"It smells delicious" he exclaimed as he started to reach in for a taste.
"It's a surprise." I uttered as I slapped his hand away.
"Fine, let me go wash up"
"LYDIA…" Stiles hollered in an expression I could not decipher.
Standing in front of the vanity, holding the pregnancy test with both hands, with a befuddled look etched on his face, Stiles turned and looked at me. Unconsciously, I defensively placed my hand over my currently flat abdomen.
"You're pregnant" he muttered. Ashamed, I nodded. A collection of stinging tears gathered behind my cheeks and slowly began to trickle down my face.
"Does anyone know?" Facing down, to hide my tears, I lightly shook my head no. The tears ran faster now. With a stomach of knots, a face damp, and eyes red, I gathered the courage to speak. "I'm sorry." I said inaudibly. His expression still blank, he exited quickly and went to the adjoining bedroom.
"I've been holding on to this waiting for the perfect…" his voice drifted off. I fell to the floor bawling, silently. Consumed by emotion, the rest of the world fell quiet. Unbeknownst to me, Stiles had been carrying an entire conversation, reproaching the bathroom. I noticed a figure next to me, prodding me to look up. When all of a sudden, I felt his arms entangle my petite figure, pull my seemingly lifeless body towards him, and rock me like a baby. Cognizant of his presence, I slowly ceased the erratic weeping. Suddenly, I felt a warmth of the hand protecting my abdomen. "Sshhh. You're okay. I love you." He cooed, attempting to calm me down.
I looked up at him with tear-stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. "We're pregnant."
"I know" he said reaching beside him. Holding out a vintage ring he started, "Will you marry me? I'm not asking just because you're pregnant. I'm asking because I want to start a family with you and I have been waiting for the perfect moment and I love you."
"So, you aren't mad at me?" I replied.
He laughed, slipped the ring on my finger, dried my tears and exclaimed "You have made me the luckiest guy alive."