Written from Yahweh's POV.
Woe to all you who distort My word.
Contrary to popular opinion, My son Jesus had only seven apostles.
Not twelve. Seven.
You don't believe Me? How dare you! I am God!
Very well. Since reasoning is popular nowadays, I shall let this transgression pass. I shall prove it by enumerating those seven apostles.
1. Peter. Previously known as Simon. He is very popular among Catholics because he established the Vatican and became the first Pope.
2. Andrew. Notable only because he is the brother of Peter. Also, a very popular boys' name.
3. John. The beloved disciple. The not-so-secret lover of Jesus whose obvious romance Christians continue to deny to this day. (Why you have problems with gays, I could never understand. I love gays! Else, why would I make them so hot and desirable?) He also wrote the scariest, most influential and most depressing book of the Bible, Revelations, reflecting the misery and insanity he suffered after the death of his one true love.
4. James. The son of Zebedee. Another fame leecher with a famous brother. Fought for either the left or right hand of Jesus. Also, a very popular boys' name.
5. Matthew. The tax collector. Previously known as Levi. Immortalized as one of the four Gospels. Also, a very popular- ah, you get the point.
6. Thomas. The doubter. Immortalized in the phrase "The Doubting Thomas." Thank goodness he wasn't around when Jesus respawned or there would be only six disciples.
7. Judas Iscariot. Arguably the most famous apostle. The traitor and main antagonist of the Gospel, and probably the most misunderstood. Simply executing My most Holy Will to have Jesus crucified and save all humanity, he was driven to suicide by ingrates all around, and continues to be maligned to this day. Unlike with his fellow disciples, no self-respecting Christian would name his son Judas. Poor dude.
Now we've named all seven apostles. If there were twelve, then can you name the remaining five?
Ready.
Set.
Go.
...
See? Even if there were five more apostles, nobody gives a shit about them. They might as well not have existed at all! And, believe it or not, they never did!
We have "twelve apostles" only because twelve is an awesome number. It sounds far more impressive than seven. It's a composite number with a beautiful set of factors. And, more importantly, it does not pass that nasty number thirteen.
The truth is that some dude just made up some names to fill the quota of twelve, then forgot to embellish some events wherein these extras actually participated in the story. This makes their existence pretty questionable, and yet, strangely, nobody minded. Since I created humans with an awesome set of brains, I have been waiting hundreds of years for some wise person to point it out, just to add to the challenge. Ah, was I disappointed!
Well, let me tell you this: The "Twelve Apostles" is a heresy, a poorly-executed lie, and many well-meaning Christians fell for it!
Remember: There were only seven apostles! Do not add those five false "apostles" to the count; else, risk the flames of hell for preaching a lie. It's about time you corrected your false impressions of the Bible. Now fight for the truth, and preach it.
Amen.