Deep Inside of Me
Dedicated to Bridget (I think I love you @_@) and Super Poodle
____
Notes- Okay.. I found this in my fics folder (which has 64 Unposted fics) and I thought hey not bad, it was only the first two paragraphs and I just started writing nonstop. I'm not sure if I should be impressed with myself for writing a chapter that's about 4 times longer than my usual fics, or if I should be disappointed in my 14 year old self to write something so depressing. I'm writing off a "Running" High courtesy of No Doubt.
Here we go
Chapter 1
"Hi Heero.." I said quietly, looking sadly at my stoic companion.
"Hn." Heero's blue eyes didn't even look at me as he walked through the hallway of the safe house. I stopped and turned to look at his retreating form. Staring at the spot where he had been just a few moments ago, I shook my head sadly as I heared a door open. Would it kill him to just say something nice to me? How 'bout a 'Hey Duo', or maybe even a 'how was your day?' I know I shouldn't expect anything like that from him, but it would mean the world to me if he just noticed me. Maybe that's why I put on this mask, to maybe get a little attention sometimes. I really shouldn't expect anything from him, he is my comrade, a teammate.. nothing more. But sometimes I like to pretend that he cares, look at me and my sad fantasies.. oh well, guess that's me.. sick, sad Duo.
I wonder what the others would think of me if they went beneath my shell.. They'd probably be just as disgusted with me as I am.. maybe even more.. ah, not like they'll ever find out. I don't plan on letting my defenses down any time soon.
I stepped into the small living room and dropped myself on one of the old couches and let my thoughts drift away. I wonder what he'd do if he found out I loved him.. that's one thing I know he would probably be confused as hell, I know I am. I toyed with the idea that he might love me too.. Nah.. he's the perfect soldier, he who has no emotions. I pictured his eyes widening, maybe even paling. It'd be hilarious if he passed out..
I heard someone come into the room. I didn't even look at the person, I just stared at the ceiling. "Hi Duo.." A soft voice said to me.. probably Quatre. "mm.." I acknowledged him with a grunt. "Are you alright? You know, you can talk to me.." I probably look like hell, lying on a tattered couch, hair unbraided, a glassy look in my eyes, staring into space. "I'm fine Quatre." I said with a finalistic tone. He must have been pretty hurt by my outburst, because he stormed out of the room. I sighed and closed my eyes. Slowly sitting up. Maybe if I braided my hair I'd look acceptable. I ran my fingers through the long mass, which I had struggled with earlier to remove the knots, and within minutes I had it loosely woven.
I stood from my couch and made a mental note to apologize to Quatre, he was only trying to help me. It's not everyday you see happy-go-lucky Duo Maxwell moping around and snapping at people. I turned to look in the direction of the washroom, I might has well see how hideous I look today. My eyes ran across the old, paint-peeling walls and the dim lighting in the hallway, this place is really depressing me.
I opened the door and stepped into the grungy room. The light was flickering, and seemed as if it would go out at any second. I sighed and looked into my tired purple eyes. The sight that greeted me wasn't exactly pleasant. Dark rings around my eyes, making it evident that I haven't slept in days. My cheekbones showed through my pale skin, and my hair hung lifelessly over my shoulder. I really looked like hell. I turned on the tap and waited for the water to turn to anything from the sickening orange tinted colour. Sure enough after waiting a few minutes the unknown substance in the water washed itself away. I took advantage of the situation and stuck my thin wrists under the flow. The freezing water refreshed me, I cupped some in my hands and splashed my face with it.
At least we had semi-nice towels, thanks to Quatre, another thing I should thank him for. I took the cloth and wiped my face with it before placing it back in the rack. I need to get some sleep, this depression thing is really a bitch. I exited the disgusting, grime covered bathroom and decided to get something to eat. I don't want anybody thinking anything's wrong with me, but really, anyone would have noticed by now.
The kitchen wasn't much better than the washroom, but we had clean utensils and such. I opened the fridge and stared at the unappetizing items. Nothing looked like it would be edible, but that's just me. I settled with a sandwich instead, pulling out random products. I grabbed a knife to cut some cheese slices. Everything was going quite good, but I looked up when someone entered the room.
I locked eyes with Wufei, breaking my concentration with the knife. It slipped in my grasp and lightly cut my thumb. I looked down at the injury with wide eyes. Blood was begging to slip from the incision, and I watched as the crimson liquid leaked down my skin. "Maxwell.." I heard from across the room. I ignored the voice and kept on watching, fascinated at the stinging sensation on my hand.
"Maxwell, your bleeding.." He said again and walked over to me. "I-I know.." I said stupidly, unable to think of anything intelligent. He looked at me with something that I couldn't identify in his eyes. He left the room, leaving me staring at the cut, that suddenly didn't seems so small anymore. Minutes, well I don't know how much later, Heero came into the room with a roll of gauze in his hand. "Duo, give me your hand.." He spoke, acknowledging my presence for the first time in days. I obeyed his small command and watched as he tended to my wound in a way that seemed careful, and delicate.
"Why didn't you clean it up?" he said, with a tone of voice I had never heard before. He turned away and got a wet paper towel to wash away my blood. I had finally noticed how much of it had escaped the cut. "I-I don't know. I couldn't find anything to use." He looked at me with an unknown emotion in his eyes, and I decided that I didn't like seeing him this way.
"Follow me." He said simply, leaving the room. I did as told, and he led me back into our 'favorite' hallway. He turned to his bedroom and opened the door. I stood in the doorway, dumbfounded. "You can come in.." He said watching me with uncertain eyes. I nodded and took a seat on the floor, as he sat in a small fold-able chair. "Tell me." He said in a demanding, yet caring voice. I gave him a look. "Tell you what?" I said hoping to end this conversation now. "Tell me what's wrong. You can't pretend that you don't know." He said in a knowing sort of way. "There's NOTHING wrong with me!" I snapped. He blinked twice before staring at me without expression. I squirmed under his look and suddenly felt very exposed. "You're lying to me." He said still continuing to stare. "Since when did you care Heero? Huh? Since when did you start caring about anyone?" I could feel my defenses strengthening.
But after all.. Didn't I want this? Didn't I want him to notice?
I did..
For a split second, he looked hurt. Hurt.. and surprised, but that was before he returned to his stoic mask. If you blinked you would have missed it. But I didn't.. I saw him slip. "Do you think that I don't know? Duo, that accident down there couldn't have been a mistake.." He said with a wavering voice. He was breaking and I was watching as he crumbled. "That's why they call it an accident Heero.. It was a mistake! Nothing more.." I said incredulously. He shook his head and watched me with a light in his cobalt eyes. "No it wasn't.. the wound was too deep to have been a stupid mistake. You cut yourself and you liked it.. IT may have started with a mistake.. but you didn't stop it.." I openly gaped at him. "You don't know that Heero. Don't you dare tell me that." I said with a dark voice.
His lips were curling at the corners. He was smirking at me. That bastard was enjoying manipulating me. Twisting me for answers. I snarled at him. How dare he judge me? It's one thing for him to confront me, but this was just absurd. "I saw the way you were staring at it. I've noticed that you haven't been eating, or let alone sleeping." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is this fun for you Heero? To see me like this, y'know, for a second there I thought that you cared about me, but you just proved me wrong, just stay away from me. Forget this ever happened." And with that, I turned from the room and left him alone to think.
So I guess my mask has failed.
I seriously don't know where to go from here. I've never been uncertain about anything like this, what if Heero tells Quatre and the others? I'm lost now. Part of me just wants to go up to Heero and tell him outright how I feel, just to see what he'd do, but I know that now isn't the time for that. And to think that I thought that I could change him into something other that his nearly heartless self. He's one sadistic freak. Oh look at me now, I'm confusing myself with so much emotion I'm not sure if I love him or hate him..
It's getting harder and harder to breath..
End Chapter One
Dedicated to Bridget (I think I love you @_@) and Super Poodle
____
Notes- Okay.. I found this in my fics folder (which has 64 Unposted fics) and I thought hey not bad, it was only the first two paragraphs and I just started writing nonstop. I'm not sure if I should be impressed with myself for writing a chapter that's about 4 times longer than my usual fics, or if I should be disappointed in my 14 year old self to write something so depressing. I'm writing off a "Running" High courtesy of No Doubt.
Here we go
Chapter 1
"Hi Heero.." I said quietly, looking sadly at my stoic companion.
"Hn." Heero's blue eyes didn't even look at me as he walked through the hallway of the safe house. I stopped and turned to look at his retreating form. Staring at the spot where he had been just a few moments ago, I shook my head sadly as I heared a door open. Would it kill him to just say something nice to me? How 'bout a 'Hey Duo', or maybe even a 'how was your day?' I know I shouldn't expect anything like that from him, but it would mean the world to me if he just noticed me. Maybe that's why I put on this mask, to maybe get a little attention sometimes. I really shouldn't expect anything from him, he is my comrade, a teammate.. nothing more. But sometimes I like to pretend that he cares, look at me and my sad fantasies.. oh well, guess that's me.. sick, sad Duo.
I wonder what the others would think of me if they went beneath my shell.. They'd probably be just as disgusted with me as I am.. maybe even more.. ah, not like they'll ever find out. I don't plan on letting my defenses down any time soon.
I stepped into the small living room and dropped myself on one of the old couches and let my thoughts drift away. I wonder what he'd do if he found out I loved him.. that's one thing I know he would probably be confused as hell, I know I am. I toyed with the idea that he might love me too.. Nah.. he's the perfect soldier, he who has no emotions. I pictured his eyes widening, maybe even paling. It'd be hilarious if he passed out..
I heard someone come into the room. I didn't even look at the person, I just stared at the ceiling. "Hi Duo.." A soft voice said to me.. probably Quatre. "mm.." I acknowledged him with a grunt. "Are you alright? You know, you can talk to me.." I probably look like hell, lying on a tattered couch, hair unbraided, a glassy look in my eyes, staring into space. "I'm fine Quatre." I said with a finalistic tone. He must have been pretty hurt by my outburst, because he stormed out of the room. I sighed and closed my eyes. Slowly sitting up. Maybe if I braided my hair I'd look acceptable. I ran my fingers through the long mass, which I had struggled with earlier to remove the knots, and within minutes I had it loosely woven.
I stood from my couch and made a mental note to apologize to Quatre, he was only trying to help me. It's not everyday you see happy-go-lucky Duo Maxwell moping around and snapping at people. I turned to look in the direction of the washroom, I might has well see how hideous I look today. My eyes ran across the old, paint-peeling walls and the dim lighting in the hallway, this place is really depressing me.
I opened the door and stepped into the grungy room. The light was flickering, and seemed as if it would go out at any second. I sighed and looked into my tired purple eyes. The sight that greeted me wasn't exactly pleasant. Dark rings around my eyes, making it evident that I haven't slept in days. My cheekbones showed through my pale skin, and my hair hung lifelessly over my shoulder. I really looked like hell. I turned on the tap and waited for the water to turn to anything from the sickening orange tinted colour. Sure enough after waiting a few minutes the unknown substance in the water washed itself away. I took advantage of the situation and stuck my thin wrists under the flow. The freezing water refreshed me, I cupped some in my hands and splashed my face with it.
At least we had semi-nice towels, thanks to Quatre, another thing I should thank him for. I took the cloth and wiped my face with it before placing it back in the rack. I need to get some sleep, this depression thing is really a bitch. I exited the disgusting, grime covered bathroom and decided to get something to eat. I don't want anybody thinking anything's wrong with me, but really, anyone would have noticed by now.
The kitchen wasn't much better than the washroom, but we had clean utensils and such. I opened the fridge and stared at the unappetizing items. Nothing looked like it would be edible, but that's just me. I settled with a sandwich instead, pulling out random products. I grabbed a knife to cut some cheese slices. Everything was going quite good, but I looked up when someone entered the room.
I locked eyes with Wufei, breaking my concentration with the knife. It slipped in my grasp and lightly cut my thumb. I looked down at the injury with wide eyes. Blood was begging to slip from the incision, and I watched as the crimson liquid leaked down my skin. "Maxwell.." I heard from across the room. I ignored the voice and kept on watching, fascinated at the stinging sensation on my hand.
"Maxwell, your bleeding.." He said again and walked over to me. "I-I know.." I said stupidly, unable to think of anything intelligent. He looked at me with something that I couldn't identify in his eyes. He left the room, leaving me staring at the cut, that suddenly didn't seems so small anymore. Minutes, well I don't know how much later, Heero came into the room with a roll of gauze in his hand. "Duo, give me your hand.." He spoke, acknowledging my presence for the first time in days. I obeyed his small command and watched as he tended to my wound in a way that seemed careful, and delicate.
"Why didn't you clean it up?" he said, with a tone of voice I had never heard before. He turned away and got a wet paper towel to wash away my blood. I had finally noticed how much of it had escaped the cut. "I-I don't know. I couldn't find anything to use." He looked at me with an unknown emotion in his eyes, and I decided that I didn't like seeing him this way.
"Follow me." He said simply, leaving the room. I did as told, and he led me back into our 'favorite' hallway. He turned to his bedroom and opened the door. I stood in the doorway, dumbfounded. "You can come in.." He said watching me with uncertain eyes. I nodded and took a seat on the floor, as he sat in a small fold-able chair. "Tell me." He said in a demanding, yet caring voice. I gave him a look. "Tell you what?" I said hoping to end this conversation now. "Tell me what's wrong. You can't pretend that you don't know." He said in a knowing sort of way. "There's NOTHING wrong with me!" I snapped. He blinked twice before staring at me without expression. I squirmed under his look and suddenly felt very exposed. "You're lying to me." He said still continuing to stare. "Since when did you care Heero? Huh? Since when did you start caring about anyone?" I could feel my defenses strengthening.
But after all.. Didn't I want this? Didn't I want him to notice?
I did..
For a split second, he looked hurt. Hurt.. and surprised, but that was before he returned to his stoic mask. If you blinked you would have missed it. But I didn't.. I saw him slip. "Do you think that I don't know? Duo, that accident down there couldn't have been a mistake.." He said with a wavering voice. He was breaking and I was watching as he crumbled. "That's why they call it an accident Heero.. It was a mistake! Nothing more.." I said incredulously. He shook his head and watched me with a light in his cobalt eyes. "No it wasn't.. the wound was too deep to have been a stupid mistake. You cut yourself and you liked it.. IT may have started with a mistake.. but you didn't stop it.." I openly gaped at him. "You don't know that Heero. Don't you dare tell me that." I said with a dark voice.
His lips were curling at the corners. He was smirking at me. That bastard was enjoying manipulating me. Twisting me for answers. I snarled at him. How dare he judge me? It's one thing for him to confront me, but this was just absurd. "I saw the way you were staring at it. I've noticed that you haven't been eating, or let alone sleeping." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Is this fun for you Heero? To see me like this, y'know, for a second there I thought that you cared about me, but you just proved me wrong, just stay away from me. Forget this ever happened." And with that, I turned from the room and left him alone to think.
So I guess my mask has failed.
I seriously don't know where to go from here. I've never been uncertain about anything like this, what if Heero tells Quatre and the others? I'm lost now. Part of me just wants to go up to Heero and tell him outright how I feel, just to see what he'd do, but I know that now isn't the time for that. And to think that I thought that I could change him into something other that his nearly heartless self. He's one sadistic freak. Oh look at me now, I'm confusing myself with so much emotion I'm not sure if I love him or hate him..
It's getting harder and harder to breath..
End Chapter One