She should not feel this way. Penny knew that, knew it was wrong. But she couldn't stop.
She felt Callie's eyes on her as the Chief instructed them on protocols for the incoming patients. Penny resisted the urge to meet Callie's gaze. She wanted to look at Callie the way Callie looked at her. She just couldn't. Not when another woman set her heart racing and her pulse singing. Not when another woman's harsh voice and stern commands filled her dreams and she woke up trembling with need. She couldn't do that to Callie. Callie deserved better. Penny kept her eyes forward.
Stephanie turned to her as the Chief kept talking. "Are you with Grey again?" she asked.
Penny slid her hands into her pockets. "I'm always with Grey," she answered. "I worship at the altar of Our Lady of General Surgery."
Stephanie snorted; whether in sympathy or amusement, Penny wasn't sure.
She shouldn't have said that. She should not feel that way and she should not talk that way. Penny berated herself as she left Stephanie and found Grey, following her to the triage center.
Grey paid no attention to Penny's self-recrimination. Of course she didn't; she didn't even look at her. She never did.
To Grey, Penny existed on the periphery. She was beneath Grey's notice. Penny knew that. She accepted that. She even liked that. Grey spoke and she listened. Grey commanded and she obeyed.
Penny bent her head over their patient and got to work, running through the chart as Grey performed her examination. "Blake, get Pierce," Grey commanded, before continuing to argue with Riggs about the patient's care.
Penny did as she was told. She picked up the phone and called Cardio.
That's what she always did with Grey - exactly as she was told.
At first, it had been about proving herself as a surgeon to the one person she had failed above all others. At first, Penny committed to pouring herself into this job to show Grey that she was more than the quiet intern who had killed Derek Shepherd with her silence.
But somewhere along the line it became more than that. Somewhere between the impossible demands and the endless scorn that Grey poured out on her, Penny knew that she cared about more than just proving her surgical skills. She lived for the moments she could please Grey; those small heartbeats of time when Grey... well, she couldn't say Grey ever really acknowledged her or complimented her. But sometimes Grey looked at her with less than total disdain - maybe even a hint of satisfaction. In those moments, Penny melted.
Penny knew she shouldn't feel this way. She should look at Callie with all the tenderness and affection Callie gave to her. She should have accepted Callie's help when Callie tried to intervene with Grey, instead of pushing Callie away and crawling back to Grey for more abuse. Callie offered love, acceptance - a healthy relationship with a woman who cared about her.
Grey offered nothing and had no desire for anything Penny wanted to give her. Grey heaped condemnation and disdain on Penny's head. Grey crushed her under the weight of every burden an attending could bring to bear against a despised resident.
And Penny took it. She took it all and went back to Grey's service for more.
Penny Blake worshipped at the altar of Our Lady of General Surgery, and she loved it.