Fate Doesn't Apologize
".........................my ideas for Last Christmas have come up dry! i have no ieda what to do next in the story, so im just gonna clear my mind right now! once i finish LC, i plan todo a criminal minds fic involving reid, so im gonna write a one shot with him, and hope i get an idea for LC out of it! feel free PM me with an idea or inspiration! so sorry my LC fans! btw, song fic!"
"He wears his heart safety pinned to his backpack
His backpack is all that he knows"
He was weak; useless. A disappointment. He had let EVERYONE down, and he imagined they all hated him. He was a child when it came to protecting himself; he could barely leave his apartment without getting kidnapped. He was pathetic,too. 'They must all hate me.' he thought once more.
"Shot down by strangers
Whose glances can cripple
The heart and devour the soul"
What was wrong with him? He should be better than this; he should be stronger. But he wasn't. He was a grown man who was still babysat by his older friends. What was he going to do? How was he going to fix this?
"All alone he turns to stone
While holding his breath half to death
Terrified of what's inside"
How was he going to save himself? Could he? How was he going to try?
"To save his life
He crawls like a worm from a bird
Crawls like a worm from a bird"
But how? How was he going to prove that he could save himself?
"All alone he turns to stone
While holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
To save his life
He crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird"
"No. No,no,no,no,no!" he started shouting. This wasn't right. He couldn't! What did it matter if he proved it to himself? What would it accomplish? No. He just couldn't do that. It would only cause more damage. No.
His head wasn't right at the moment; he knew that. The desires were still there, he realized. And then he realized the true meaning of why he wanted to prove to himself he was strong.
He still had some left. It was still in this apartment., tempting him every moment.
"All he knows
If he can't relieve it it grows
And so it goes
He crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird"
"No! NO!" He was growing paranoid! He needed it gone, but he knew he couldn't touch the bottles. No, that would only make him weaker. He needed to call someone. But who?
"Out of his mind
The weight pushes him whispering
Must have been out of his mind"
Gideon was gone, so he wasn't a choice anymore. He mentally went over a list of people who knew about his addiction, and picked up the phone when he decided who to call. He dialed the number, and waited for the dial tone to die out.
"Morgan." he answered.
"Mor-gan." Reid stuttered. By this point, he was crying.
"Reid? What's wrong?" he asked, concerned.
"Pl-ease ta-ke it away." he stammered.
"Okay, Reid. Okay. I'm on my way right now." Morgan answered, keeping a calm voice, so he wouldn't freak out Reid.
"Thank you........... And I'm sorry." he cried out.
"Why are you sorry?" Morgan asked.
"For being weak." Reid whispered.
"Reid , no. Don't say that, man! You're not weak. No one could resist that drug, man. And Tobias is the one who's at fault here." he tried to comfort. Morgan could tell Reid still didn't believe him. He could tell from the silence on the other end, Reid still thought it was his fault.
"Reid...........look at me. I need you to say to me that that you don't blame yourself for this mess. If anyone is at fault here,it's none of us. It's Tobias. He came in on all of us, and he tortured you, Reid. And he drugged you. Now, tell me how that's your fault?" Morgan said, just a little more strict.
"Morgan..............I..................I can't do that. I-I know that Tobias is the one who gave me the drugs, but............" he paused. "I'm the one who took the veils. They were in his pocket, and when I asked to be alone, that's when I took them. Morgan, I stole drugs from a dead man. That's how low I went to get those drugs." Reid whispered as a tear fell down his eye.
"But you know what you did wrong, and you regret it?" Morgan asked.
Reid shook his head. "Yes...... I know what I did wrong, and I know that I shouldn't blame myself, but I always will. I was given a choice- take the drugs, or don't. And I did, Morgan, I took them. I took the choice that would ruin my life; it made me self-destruct , Morgan. And I can never change that. I screwed up, and now I'm paying for it. Every ounce of pain I endure because the drug, is all on me. I don't have Tobias to blame anymore. It was all my fault, and you can't convince me otherwise." he whispered, tears escaping his eyes.
Morgan didn't say a word, afraid that his friend was once again right. 'But why............how...........how could it be his fault?' Morgan thought.
"All alone he turns to stone
While holding his breath half to death
Terrified of whats inside
To save his life"
"You know I'm right." Reid mumbled. He was looking down at the floor, with his eyes closed.
"Reid................I wish just this one time, you were wrong." Morgan sighed. Damn, he hated it when Reid was right about things like this. Hadn't Reid been through enough? Hadn't he been through enough pain-enough torture? When would he been given a break?
"I know................I wish I were wrong,too." he whispered so softly, Morgan barely heard him.
"You're not alone, Kid. We're all here for you. No one expects you to do this by yourself." he said.
Reid shook his head, then stood. Reid started walking towards the door, and that caught Morgan's attention.
"Where you going, Reid?" he asked, with both concern and curiosity in his tone.
Reid turned around to look at Morgan, then replied. "There's............something I need to do." he answered bluntly.
"Like what? Call a lady friend?" Morgan teased.
"Sure." Reid answered sharply, but he never smiled at Morgan. He walked out, and the manner in which he did so ,told Morgan Reid wasn't calling a lady friend.
"He crawls like a worm from a bird
All alone
He's holding his breath half to death
Terrified
To save his life
He crawls like a worm"
Reid took out his phone, and hit the speed dial button on his cell. He knew he had to do this. What Morgan had said reminded him of someone- someone who had abandoned him at a young age. He hadn't talked to this person in years, and he never thought he would. But here he was-roaming the crowded city streets- with no destination at mind, and nothing to do but call the one person he never thought he'd talk to again. He didn't know if he wanted to talk to him, but he knew he had to call him. He couldn't stand it anymore ; he had to know something that only he could answer.
Reid grew anxious when the phone started ringing. half of him wanted him to answer, the other half said hang up now. But he knew he couldn't hang up- he knew that would just make him as much of a coward as the person at the other end of his phone.
"Hello?" Will Reid answered.
Reid was silent for a moment; taking in the sound of his father's voice. He knew he should've called him years ago, but he never had the courage to. But now, he did. And he needed to know the truth now. He just had to know.
"Hi, dad." Reid answered.
"Spencer?!" his father asked, bewildered.
"Yeah. Spencer." he answered back.
"Wow...........how long has it been?" he asked, sounding a bit happy for once.
"Too long.'' he answered dully.
"Yeah, that's true." Will agreed. There was a bit of a silence before anyone said anything again.
"So........I have a feeling you're not just calling to catch up." his father stated.
Reid, who had been almost unconscious during the whole conversation, was taken out of his trance by those words.
"Yeah dad. There's um.............something I need to know." he asked, talking more like himself again.
"What's that?" his father pressed, sounding curious. Will thought his son knew just about everything,so he wondered what Spencer could possibly want to know.
"Am I................?" Reid choked out. His voice had cracked, and he cursed himself for sounding weak. He tried talking again. "Am I..................the reason...............you left mom and me?" he asked his father. He had always suspected he was the reason, but he needed to hear his father say it wasn't his fault. He needed to know that he hadn't disappointed everyone.
"No............Spencer. No!" his father whispered in astonishment. "How could you think that? Your mother and I, our relationship was over before you were even born. I couldn't take it ; couldn't take care of her anymore." he explained,still whispering.
Reid sighed. He was right. His father didn't blame him for leaving his mother. "At least I didn't screw that up." he mumbled,forgetting for a brief minute he was talking on his phone. 'Crap.' he thought.
"What?" Will asked. He had heard what his son had just said, but he couldn't believe it! How could Spencer think he had screwed everything up? "Spencer, do you honestly think you screwed everything up?" he asked, flabbergasted at his son's remark.
"Yeah, Dad. I've screwed EVERYTHING up. I've ruined everyone's life. I screwed it all up. And-what's the worse-is that I've screwed up the lives of people I actually care about, not some strangers! I...........I............" he sighed in frustration, pausing his mad rush of words. "I've just disappointed everyone I know. And I don't blame you if you hate me ,too." he rushed the words out.
"Spencer.............no. No. Just...........don't say that. None of it's true..........." his father's voice was cut off by his own.
"But it is. All of it. Everyone thinks I'm a disappointment, and that I can't take care of myself. I've already been kidnapped three times, and I've been tortured at least once! Hell- I even was addicted to drugs at one point. And then, Gideon just leaves............. the only person I've looked up to in years! He just leaves, and he didn't even tell me! His way of saying good-bye was leaving a letter at his cabin, and just expecting me to go look for him there! What if I hadn't looked at the cabin? What if I had never even attempted to look for him? What if..........." he stopped, tears now rolling down his eyes. He hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected to just..............break down while talking to his dad. And worse of all, he had just told his dad information he hadn't told him before. 'Crap.' he thought.
"Wait..........you were kidnapped?! And you were tortured?! When were you on drugs? That's just not like you! My god Spencer! Why didn't you tell me any of this?! And who is this Gideon that left? He doesn't sound like much of a guy if he can just leave you- and not have the courage to tell you in person! Spencer, are yo okay?"; he asked,concern. His son had just told him was had been kidnapped-and tortured!- and now wasn't saying anything? How was that right? How could he do that? When he started really listening to the other end, he realized that his son was crying.
"Spencer? Are you crying? Oh my god,Spencer. I'm so sorry. I.........I........didn't mean to upset you. I'm so sorry." he apologized.
"If anyone he-hear shoul-ld be sorry it's m-me. I'm the one who ke-keeps on screw-ing up. I'm so-sorry, Dad. I'm so sor-sorry." he stuttered. Reid was crying so much, he was starting to hyperventilate.
"Spencer, calm down. You're going to hurt yourself. And please, please! Don't be sorry. I'm the one who screwed up ,not you. Don't feel sorry, Spencer. Are you okay?'' he pleaded.
Spencer sniffled, then paused a bit before answering. The silence worried his father. "Spencer? Are you okey?'' his father asked.
"No, I'm not okay." he cried. His father said something after that, but he didn't know what. He had hung off the phone, and immediately collapsed on the wet ground. It had started raining when he was out, but he hadn't realized it until now. Reid was lying in a puddle in the middle of a street he didn't even know the name of. It didn't get lower than this.
"Crawls like a worm from a bird
Crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm
Crawls like a worm from a bird"
It was in that same minute, when Reid heard the voice he had no desire to hear ever again in his life. The voice was haunting, and had practically torn his life apart. it had left him to pick up the pieces of his already fragile life, and left to some far away place where he would never see him again. At least, that's what Reid had always thought.
"Spencer?'' the voice sounded a bit louder. The only reason he would want the voice to come closer to him, was so he could tell it to go away.
"Spencer, what happened to you?'' the voice asked, as it kneeled down next to Reid. If he could see at that very moment in time he would see his mentor's hand on his shoulder, a look of concern on his face, and panic in his eyes. He didn't have to be able to see to already know this,though. It was the same look Gideon had given him any time he was hurt. But this time, it was different. He had taken himself away from Reid, and never even told him where he was going.
Reid searched for words to speak, but there were none. He didn't know what to say, so he just spoke what he wanted. "Gideon, just............just please, go away. Please..........." he begged.
"Spencer, you're not okay.........." he wanted to continue, but Reid cut him off.
"Of COURSE I'm not okay! You just left me- when I needed you the most!- and expected me to be okay?! Did you honestly think I would be better off if you just disappeared to some place?!" he cried. He was crying, and he hated that! Why, why was he so weak?! Why couldn't he just stop himself from being this way?! Why couldn't he just save himself?!
"Spencer," he stopped Gideon again.
"Don't call me that!" he snapped.
"Reid ,then. I'm sorry, but I just had to leave. I didn't mean to hurt you.........." That was it. Reid couldn't take this anymore. It just wasn't right.
"No one MEANS to hurt me! They just do! They go around and expect me to forgive them! How? How can you ask me to forgive you? You just, out of the blue, left! And they apologize for it, it's already too late. I've already moved on. And then they come, and tear up all my work, and then I have to start living without them again! If you're going to leave ,don't come back, and then leave again! I just can't take that! I can't handle it!" he yelled. He was sick of all of this. Why did people just insist on hurting him? Was he wearing a sign that said, "Go on and hurt me, I won't mind''? Why was he always the victim? When would he be given a break?
Gideon had found himself at a loss of words. He was right. He didn't have any right to do this. It wasn't fair to Spencer. 'Do I honestly want to put him through that pain again?' he asked himself. He already knew the answer,though.
"Good bye, Gideon. And I do wish you a good life." Reid started walking away, but stopped and looked at Gideon. "No one deserves the life I had." He was gone. He would never see Gideon again.
Reid paced through the big city's streets,alone, and still crying. He hated himself for being weak, but he knew that wasn't his fault. He knew he needed to find some one ;that he would end up getting hurt if he stayed alone tonight. But he couldn't bring himself to pull out his phone, and call someone. He had ruined enough lives, he concluded.
Reid suddenly was reminded of something his mother used to say. "Fate has a way of working things out. It can take the worse situation, and make it worth it in the end. You just have to be patient with fate." she would say. And, at this very moment in time, that couldn't have been more true. Across the street, exiting Starbuck's, was Austin. He didn't think she had seen him at first, but he knew he had been spotted when she smiled, and walked across the street.
Reid stood, astonished, at the woman he had been dying to see for the last few weeks. He knew this was fate, and he smiled at that. 'At least my mom was right about some things'. he thought. She smiled back.
"Hi Spencer.'' she said brightly. He took in the sound of her musical voice, and absorbed it all in through his ears. He hadn't realized how much he had missed her until right now, at this very moment in time.
"Hi Austin." he replied, still smiling. He couldn't help but think that fate was on his side right now. 'Maybe,' he thought, 'today will be better than I thought.'
"So,would you like to get a cup of coffee with me?" she offered.
"But you just came out of Starbuck's" he said.
"So? For you, I think I can manage to drink another cup." she smiled at him.
"Sure. I'd love a cup of coffee." he answered. She nodded at him, and then they crossed the street together, arms crossed together.
Reid found himself smiling. After all that happened today, he found himself being happy. He was with the girl of his dreams, and smiling. The rain was still falling, but he found it suiting. Reid had always liked the rain ,anyway.
"....................ta-da! i finsihed! whoa! this was fun to write! lol sorry about the song, in some spots it was too used!!! i hoped u liked it! please r&r!!!"