A Better Choice
a Jim and Pam drama/romance
by: Rachel aka hintofawhisper
Told in Pam's point of view
"If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough."
-- Unknown
She hurries in her pace as she approaches her car, the harsh sound of glass being smashed resounding loud in her ears. Her heart pounds, and unlocking the car door feels like an eternity to her, for she can't keep her hand steady enough. But she breathes a little slower when she opens the door and slides in. She puts the key in the ignition, and keeps her head down all the while, fearing that if she peers out of the windshield, she'll see him there, his eyes unfamiliarly livid, his large hands flexing for something to destroy. Only when she exits the parking lot does she look swiftly back. She sighs in relief to his absent appearance. And she doesn't even notice how her hands grasp the steering wheel so tightly, and how her knuckles shine white against the darkness of her car.
It's only when she realizes herself incapable of driving properly, and when she parks in some vast, empty parking lot, does she think about what just happened at Poor Richard's.
All she wanted was a fresh start with Roy. His "I can read you like a book; you can't keep anything from me" statement had bothered her more than it should have the whole night, and she felt it would only be fair to tell him the truth about what happened between her and Jim on casino night months before.
It was part of the new Pam: no more secrets. She can't deny the fact that there was the old Pam in the back of her mind screaming at her to not tell Roy, but once the secret was out of her mouth, she just had to continue on. But never had she dreamed he would get so angry.
She told him that she had kissed Jim, and it wasn't really something she said in Jim's defense. It was actually true; she had kissed him back that night when she could've (and probably should've) pushed him away. So she's willing to take the blame on that.
But Roy wouldn't blame her when Jim's in the picture. Even in the past, when she would make an offhanded comment about one of Jim's genius pranks, she would look up into Roy's eyes to see that something dark was there, some kind of emotion reflected in his ocean blue eyes, that she didn't like. It was then that she knew that Roy saw Jim as a sort of threat to him, and after that, she was careful to avoid the topic of Jim when around him.
He has a right to be angry, she knows that. But not like that. Not enough to smash beer bottles into mirrors.
When he threw that first bottle into the mirror and it shattered, something inside of her shattered as well. The tolerance of Roy's jealousy and their unhealthy relationship (which she can now admit) broke into a million pieces, and without realizing it, she had begun to head for the exit doors.
She said to him "This is over", and this time she knew it was one hundred percent real.
What she has to think about now is Jim. There's no doubt that Roy will go after him. She knows Roy. After all, she had been with him for nine years.
She has to warn Jim, do whatever she can to ensure his safety.
She's aware of the fact that he'll probably be mad at her for telling Roy about what happened between them, but she can take it.
She starts the car again, and, within fifteen minutes, she's at his apartment. There's no sight of his car, and she suddenly remembers that he went with Karen to that cocktail party for managers.
So she has no choice but to wait.
After a while, she pulls out her iPod from her purse and listens to it, but as half an hour drifts by, she turns it off and puts it back in her purse.
She drums her fingers against the steering wheel anxiously. A few minutes go by and she sighs, leaning her head back against the seat. She won't have to worry about falling asleep, for tonight, she's the most awake she's ever been.
Her mind wanders to Jim. He always took the stress away from her job, from her relationship with Roy, from everything for that matter. She wonders what Dunder-Mifflin would be like for her if Jim was never there. There wouldn't be a man with a warm, white smile to brighten her day, that's for sure. She wouldn't be anywhere near as happy to see someone else lean on her desk and gaze amusedly at whatever she was preoccupying herself with on the computer. She would just do her job, and go home to Roy every day. The same thing would be repeated day after day. All because there wouldn't be the Jim to save her from it.
He'd give her a better life, and there's no doubt in her mind that he'd make her happy.
She feels this swelling emotion in her chest, something she can't push away, and she covers her eyes as the tears pour out of them.
All she can think of now as she sobs in the confinement of her car is how she was so blind to let it get this bad.
It's well after one in the morning when the headlights of a car pour into her driver's seat window. She watches, her eyelids heavy from all the tears, as the car parks in front of Jim's apartment. The driver's seat door opens, and before he even emerges from the car, she is out of hers. As she gets near his car, she sees Jim's slim figure exit out of it, his back to her and unaware that she's there.
"Jim!"
Her voice disrupts the quiet atmosphere around them, and Jim, startled, turns in her direction.
"Pam?"
She smiles a little at how he would recognize her voice anywhere.
"Yeah, it's me."
She's a few feet away from him now, but it's so dark she knows he can't really see her.
"Here, come inside, so I can see you." He says, and she hears his light footsteps move away from her.
She follows.
When she gets to him, he's already unlocked the door to his apartment and opened it, disappearing inside briefly, until he turns on the light, the light almost too bright, and she sees him clearly.
She enters his apartment and Jim turns away from her a little to drop his keys onto the kitchen counter.
"Something you couldn't wait to tell me at work?" He asks lightly, almost playfully.
She doesn't respond (more like can't) and he senses something's wrong and turns back to her, his olive eyes meeting her green ones.
She must look horrible, for concern is suddenly highlighted on Jim's face.
"Pam? What's the matter?"
She swallows hard as she remembers what she's here for.
"I need to talk to you."
He nods and gestures to the couch. "Okay."
She shakes her head. She's better off standing.
"I'm really sorry," she begins softly, "but I told Roy... about the kiss."
She doesn't see accusation or anger in his eyes, all that's there is apprehension. And she can deal with that.
"I wanted a fresh start with him and that meant no secrets." She continues, stumbling on her words. " I told him I kissed you, that you told me how you had felt about me, and how I might've had some feelings too, and he began to... yell and smash things. I'm afraid he'll come after you."
"You said you kissed me?"
She didn't really expect that kind of question so she looks up at him, almost shyly. " I did, though. I didn't push you away."
Jim's eyes leave hers for a few seconds, and they're both suddenly silent in his still apartment.
She tries to think of what else to say when his voice breaks the silence.
"Do you have any feelings for me at all now?"
His tone of voice is solemn, and she knows she cannot lie anymore. She realized that when she waited for him to arrive here.
She nods and forces her eyes to not shy away from his. "Yes."
His eyes bore into hers, and before she can even read them, her eyes fill up with tears for the second time in the past two hours, and she looks away.
She's ashamed that she didn't tell the truth to him at the beginning on casino night. But now she's the new Pam, and the new Pam tells the truth and knows what she wants.
She's jerked out of her thoughts to Jim's arms around her waist, and she's pulled close to him. She puts her arms around him without hesitation, and leans her head against his neck.
"Roy and I are over for good." She says, for she knows it's something Jim has wanted her to say from the very beginning. And he deserves to hear it.
His arms tighten around her in response, and for once in her life, she knows she's on the right path.
Fin