dedication: lapifors

just because she rocks and is always an inspiration to me, and her writing makes me want to cry/scream from joy. and because she needs some angst to further brighten up her day. there's not much fluff to this... even though I intended there to be. oh well. heh. this song always seemed like a fanfiction idea, so here we go. yes, i am a lifehouse addict, sue me. and yes, this is my first kingdom hearts first person. Oh dear. And yes, the tense change in the middle is intentional.

warning; /dark/ and suggestive themes

Of Sex and Lies
x X x
katraa

Would you believe me if i said i'm tired of this? Completely tired of these sickening games we play. If you think that it's fair how you treat me, you must been completely /out of your mind/. I'm tired of getting hurt, tired of having you act like i'm heartless and emotionless. I'm tired of you always going back to her and being blind of how I feel. It hurts so much. I see you with her, and I just want to die. I've never been one of those suicidal kind of people, but every time I see the pair of you, I just /want to die/.

It's the same routine tonight. I come by your place at exactly seven, just like we planned. You look so adorable in that loose grey shirt you usually lounge in. But you have no idea, do you? You have no idea that the compliments I give are actually heart-felt and not some pathetic attempts to win you over as your 'best friend'. You have no idea that I'm here every night for you when you start cursing and crying over her.

So now I'm here with you; him.

He'll give me this look as he lets me in. Something between desire and pitty. I'm still not sure which. He'll let me take off my coat before he throws himself at me, weeping. His hands will somehow wind their way around my body as he pulls me close, crying. I'm his best friend, what can I do? I'll bite down on my lips, pretend that I'm not bothered by this. I'll pretend that I'm his best friend and here to help, when the only thing I really am here for is to be with him.

But tonight is different. For some reason, tonight is /different/.

"I can't stand this anymore." He will utter into the stale air of a broken Tuesday night. Those eyes will stare at me, a lucid mixture of hate, lust, and despair. I'm not sure which is the most prominent, but it does not matter.

"Then cheat on her." I'll suggest, shrugging my shoulders as he sighs, "You guys broke up again, didn't you? So why not. It's not really cheating."

And of course, he'll reply with a chipper, "But we're going to get back together!" He'll sound so defensive, so strong and angry. And all I'll do is shrug once more as I sit down on his couch, pretending that this sick cycle of lies isn't bothering me.

"Cheat on her," I'll offer once more, hands lacing in my lap with dismal amusement. By now he's boring me with his ramblings, making me want to banter about how immature he is acting.

"I can't do that! I can't cheat on her with some hooker... prostitute I don't even know!" He'll snap back, hands throwing down in a frenzy.

He's committed, something I can't say about myself. He loves her. And I love him. It's pathetic how much I'll allow myself to be hurt just for him. My eyes will lock with his as I cross the room, extending a hand to clasp onto his. He'll give me this look, this confused and bewildered look.

My mouth will ghost the words even before I say them, "I'm not asking you to."

His confusion will grow as his body begins to tremble. We've never been this close, and he knows it. He begins to gulp loudly, his discomfort and uncertainty evident. All I'll do is smirk at him, knowing what his question will be even before he dares to make it audible.

"Then what are you saying?" He'll ask. I've had plenty of time to figure out that answer. Plenty of time to recap on everything that had happened prior to this moment. Time stands still for a few moments before the present whips me in my face as I lean forward, lips whispering into his ears.

"I'm saying that you cheat on her with me." I say harshly with an undertone of desire and need. My fingers curl around his chin, tilting his childish and innocent face up at me. Those eyes look so needy and nervous, as if what I had just said was what he wanted me to.

But fear is drenched in them as well, covering everything else. "W-what?" He stammers, jolting a bit in my grasp. My free arm reaches out to pull him close to my chest as I smirk.

"Sora. I'm asking you to cheat on Kairi with me. Just for tonight." My words enter his ear, making his head spin around and around. Tonight had started the same, but would end differently, regardless of what happens next.

Every night before this I had attempted to drag him down, push the blame of his and Kairi's fights onto him. Tonight, I converted that anger and frustration into something more pure; and at the same time, toxic.

"Riku..." He whispers, blue eyes locking with my green ones. He's scared, I can tell.

"What? Surprised that I like you?" I sneer as I lean downward to kiss his neck. This simple, and yet seductive action earns a gasp from the brunette, his body tensing from the touch and yet arching into it. Oh Sora, how complex you truly are.

"Y-y-ou." Sora replies, incapable of processing all of this at once. I don't blame him, not this time.

"I'm tired of watching you and her. I want this, don't you?" My words are like sinister snakes, slithering around his weak heart and clenching it tightly. It's bleeding, I can tell. His mind is panicking, I can tell that as well. His arms are nervously around me. I can feel his heart beating. His mind is telling him not to agree, but his heart, his heart is off the charts. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, but I won't question it. I figured this would be easier, but I guess I was wrong.

"Why would I ... want this?" Sora answers, blue eyes staring questioningly up at me, his hands shaking against my back.

And I'm so cold. My body is freezing from hatred and anger. Tonight is the same. Like it always is. He'll rush into my arms, begging for comfort. Usually I'll give it to him. But tonight I desire more then just the comfort of words. Tonight I want him. And of course, he denies me. But who is he to deny me of something this massive?

"Because," I answer harshly, husky breath mingling with his, "I can give you what you need."

"Riku...I'm not gay," He answers. Oh the irony.

"Really?" I inquire, willing to test that theory and prove it wrong. It's amazing how immature he can be. So immature to the point that it hurts. That it drives a stake through my bruised heart, pushing me farther and farther. My corrupted little angel is killing me, and the sad part is; he knows it.

"Yeah?" His answer sounds more like a question.

My lips crash against his.

The funny thing is, he returns the kiss. He's needy. He wants this. Not me. All he cares is that he is getting /something/. He doesn't care that I love him to the point of hatred. It's so funny. I'm in love with the damn kid and all he can think about is himself. Sora, you are so selfish sometimes.

"Riku," He gasps out, not understanding why I had just kissed him. But he should know. I had already made it quite clear; quite painfully.

"Shh." I order, hands snaking their way around him, pulling him as close as possible as my lips descend onto his beat red neck. He's afraid, poor thing.

"Why?" He begs, my hands sliding their way up his shirt. And it's so wrong that it feels right. God does it feel right to run my fingers along the flesh and twitching skin of his abs, over his toned stomach.

"Because." Is the one word answer I give. That will suffice, but he wants more. Sora always wants more.

"Why?" He moans once again, my hands slipping from his stomach, down. Down to taunt him farther, make him more needy then he already is. His blue eyes fill with lust. Oh Sora, don't you know that lust is a sin and that it can taint your soul? But you know all about that, don't you? Know how to screw with someone until you break them.

But tonight is different. I'm tired of being the silent friend in the shadow. I'm tired of getting hurt for the sake of his happiness. I'm tired of rejection, and tonight I'll get what I want; even if I force it on him. Sora always has been ego-centric and self-pleasing, never thinking of what others want. Or maybe he does. Maybe he cares so much what Kairi wants, what the world wants, that's he's forgetting me.

And I'm tired of it.

Tonight I will end this sick cycle and get what I deserve.

His answer is lingering in the air as I give a gentle suck on his neck, lips twisting into a smirk before I breath out huskily.

"Because I love you."