Lena's thoughts when Stef decides that Lena's secret is one mistake too far and files for divorce.

(A short one-shot based on what might happen after Stef confronts Lena about the kiss with Monty in Idyllwild (309)

It was inevitable. Lena had known that for a while now, even though she never admitted it, even to herself. They had been disconnected for almost a year and though they had both been at fault for that. The kiss with Monty was just one step too far. And thinking back Lena realized that she might have still been able to avoid this if she'd just been honest with Stef from the beginning. But she'd chosen to hide it, hoping that with time it would just go away but the fact that Stef had found out from Jenna made her all the more angry.

And how had Jenna found out anyways? Why would Monty share that with her? She had just started a relationship with Jenna so why would she share something like this and risk her own relationship as well as Lena's and Stef's?

Lena sighed, thinking of all the tough times they'd shared but still managed to pull through. There had been countless times over the years but, Stef had been right, in the recent year the secrets just seemed to build up. It started with the wedding. Stef had been hurt that Lena never mentioned her desire to get married. Sure Stef had made it clear that it wasn't in the cards for her but at least she had been honest about it. Lena had kept her opinion a secret. Lena had wondered for a while whether Stef would have ask her to marry her had it not been for the shooting.

Then there was the baby. Lena hadn't been honest about wanting that either. Stef had found out by finding her prenatal pills, that she'd already begun taking without even discussing it. Eventually Stef had given her what she wanted. Yes, Stef wanted it too in the end but she'd only done it because of her love for Lena.

Stef had made her fair share of mistakes too. She'd kept Robert's investigation a secret and then used his infidelity to blackmail him, knowing that Lena would disapprove. She'd encouraged Callie to keep her emancipation a secret even though Lena didn't like the idea. She'd discuss certain things with Mike before bringing them up with Lena and even worse agree with him when Lena didn't agree. She'd brought Ana home without even talking about it with Lena and hired two contractors, making Lena feel like she'd been part of the decision making process. But in all that she'd never done anything to hurt anyone else. She'd done everything to try and keep her family safe even if it didn't work sometimes.

Lena on the other hand had done nothing productive out of kissing Monty and keeping it a secret and now she was paying the price. She thought back to the night that Stef had confronted her about Monty. Stef had refused to sleep in the same bed at Lena and as a result had taken the couch. After about an hour of tossing and turning Lena had headed downstairs and found Stef sobbing into a pillow.

"Honey." Lena said sadly as she gently placed a hand on Stef's thigh.

Stef tried to pull away but Lena held on, not willing to just give in so easily.

"Stef, just listen please." Lena begged.

Stef looked up at her with sad, watery eyes and Lena felt terrible for hurting her.

"You were right." Lena began. "I didn't keep it a secret just because it meant nothing."

Lena watched as Stef's eyebrows raised slightly in question.

"It didn't mean anything." Lena confirmed. "But I didn't tell you because we are already so disconnected and in such a bad place that I didn't want to add to it. The truth is the only reason it even went that far was because I didn't feel like I could talk to you."

"So this is my fault?" Stef asked accusingly.

"No." Lena answered quickly. "That's not what I'm saying. All I'm saying is that Monty and I had become friends and she was someone I could confide in about things that we were disagreeing on. She was someone to just listen to me vent and I guess she got the wrong idea or took a chance, I'm not sure, but she kissed me and yes, it lasted a second before I pulled back but only because I was so surprised. I didn't want it and I told her that."

"But she still has feelings for you?" Stef asked, though it sounded more like a statement than a question.

"I don't know." Lena answered honestly. "But I can't control that. All I know is that I love you and only you and whatever she's feeling is her problem. You have nothing to worry about because I'm not going to do anything with anyone else. You're the one I want, you're the one I've always wanted."

Stef had looked into her eyes then and Lena could see that she was trying desperately to believe what she was being told. Lena hoped it would be enough.

"Come to bed honey." She requested.

But instantly that hopeful look in Stef's eyes disappeared and was replaced by uncertainty. She may have wanted to believe Lena but the truth was that she didn't.

"One way or another I'm going to sleep next to my wife." Lena said, adding a little playful humor to hopefully lighten the mood. "So if you don't come upstairs then I'm going to crash on that chair." She said, pointing to the very chair Stef had sat in when she confronted her earlier in the night.

But Stef had just sighed and looked away. She wasn't in the mood for humor and had no desire to even smile a little at Lena's attempts.

Lena sighed too and gently placed her hand on Stef's cheek. "I love you honey." She said sincerely. "I made a mistake but I didn't cheat on you. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying not to add to the problems we were already having. I'm sorry I hurt you but I love you so much."

Lena then leaned in and softly kissed Stef's lips and as she deepened the kiss she could feel her wife's body reacting to her. She knew it would because despite everything, Stef still loved her just the way she loved Stef. As the kiss got more heated Stef began to kiss her back as well and soon Lena was on top of her, both of them squished together on the narrow couch but neither seemed to mind. In fact, the closer the better - or so Lena had thought...

But in the morning all the problems were still there, the disagreements were still unsolved and secrets still hurt and no matter how hard they tried to pretend it was all okay, the truth was that it just wasn't. And as a result, three weeks later, Lena was sitting at the kitchen table with divorce papers in front of her. She had read through it, procrastinating signing them but finally she'd reached the last page and was staring at Stef's signature already neatly signed above her name.

As Lena studied the name and signature she felt the tears finally fall. She couldn't believe that after almost eleven years this was the end. She couldn't believe that this was how it was going to end. They loved each other. Even now, even with this, she knew that they loved each other. But Stef's argument was that it was better to end it now than to wait until things got so bitter that they couldn't stand to be in the same room together. They did have five kids that required them to at least be civil to each other.

Lena reached for the pen and brought it to the line above her name. Her hand shook more and more the nearer the pen got to the paper and right before she made contact she saw a drop of water right where her signature would go. Lena quickly reached up and wiped her tears away, took a deep breath and with her eyes closed, pressed the nib of the pen onto the paper, ready to sign...

But instead of seeing ink coming out of the pen when she opened her eyes all she saw was darkness and the silhouette of her wife fast asleep beside her. Lena sighed heavily, both at the terrifying feeling of the nightmare as well as the relief that that was all it was - a nightmare. The reality though was a dream because Stef had listened to her that night. Had believed her. Had responded to her kisses and touches and had given in to her plea to join her in bed and after an hour of showing each other just how much they loved each other and another hour of talking things though some more and clearing up a lot of old misunderstandings and hurt feelings, they'd finally fallen asleep in each other's arms.

Lena smiled softly to herself as she tightened her arm around her wife and felt Stef pull her closer protectively. Even in sleep, Stef knew when she needed to feel loved and that just made Lena love her all the more. She couldn't understand why Stef would think she'd cheat. How could she possibly want someone else when she already had everything she ever wanted?

Author's Note:

I love Stef and Lena together and I don't want to see them break up. I particularly love Stef. I do agree that she makes mistakes but her intentions are ALWAYS good.

But at the same time I do like it when they fight and disagree - it makes their relationship more realistic and believable. It killed me to see Stef's face as she confronted Lena. She was so hurt and my heart just went out to her. They are the sole reason that I watch the show.

I couldn't make them divorce but the thought was fitting so this is what I came up with. I hope you like it and I definitely hope it's not how the show will go. They already made a major mistake with Braillie (yuck) but I'm hoping that they won't make two major mistakes so there's hope for them yet.

Thanks for reading.

Love Junebug.