Hi all, thanks in advance for reading. A little while ago Gabriel Mann (Nolan) posted a list of Nolan's House Rules to his twitter. I thought the rules merited a fic.
Disclaimer: All characters are owned by Revenge and ABC. I don't own anything! This is all in good fun!
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4. No sodas of any kind.
5. Seriously, not even orange.
8. This is a whole wheat bread only household.
Nolan walks into his kitchen to find Aiden sitting there, eating a pastrami sandwich.
This does not bode well with Nolan. But he will not make any snap judgments, no, not until he gets a close enough look at the bread. He gets closer to Aiden, watching him chew, and looking at the enormous deli sandwich clutched in both hands.
It's white bread.
"Did you want half?" Aiden says out of the corner of his full mouth.
Nolan is appalled. But no more so than when he sees Aiden's drink of choice open on the counter.
"What kind of soda is that?" Nolan asks. "Is that orange?"
Something seems to click in Aiden's mind, and for the first time maybe ever he seems to remember Nolan's meticulously thought out list of rules. "Sorry, Ross. We were all out of beer."
Unbelievable. Nolan leaves from the same door he came in, hoping that by the time he gets back there will be no signs of bread or sodas in his home.
16. Keep your voice down when plotting late at night.
Aiden and Emily are in the living room, plotting, and they are being very loud.
Any other time he'd be happy to help them with their scheming but tonight he wasn't invited, and anyway he's trying to get some sleep. He stares up at the dark ceiling and listens as their plotting turns to arguing. Nolan can't make out exactly what they're bickering about but he's basically gotten the gist of it: Aiden wants to do something one way, and Emily wants to do something the right way. The name Daniel gets thrown out eventually, more yelling, and Nolan can't help but roll his eyes.
He's had enough. He's going to put an end to all of this yammering.
He marches down the hall, ready to give Aiden and Emily a piece of his mind but stops short when he gets to the living room and sees that the two of them, all decked out in their black ops gear, are making out on the couch.
Typical.
Now that Aiden is living here Nolan is learning more than he cares to know about the dynamics of Aiden and Emily's relationship. Tonight he's learned that for them fighting is apparently foreplay.
He heads back to his room and tries once again to sleep.
19. Always give a heads up before coming home. I am on the rebound so bitch, don't kill my vibe.
Nolan is attached at the lips to a tall, dark, and handsome stranger. They are somewhere between the living room and the bedroom, fully dressed and nakedness, when Aiden comes home.
"Oh," Aiden says dumbly. "I didn't realize you were having company over."
Nolan sends his guest to the bedroom and tugs Aiden to the door that leads to the backyard. "This is the definition of killing my vibe," he says through gritted teeth.
"Sorry, Ross. I'll be out of your hair."
Nolan is beginning to wonder why he ever agreed to this living arrangement.
18. No killing on the premises… to be disregarded if my life is in danger.
Nolan has a fear. A phobia, if you will.
Spiders.
He's just minding his own business when he sees something out of the corner of his eye walking around with too many legs. A spider by the sink. Naturally, Nolan is across the room in an instant, standing on a stool.
"Kill it!" Nolan yells.
"But isn't that one of your rules?" Aiden says. He is fresh from a workout and drinking out of a plastic water bottle as if everything is fine and there isn't a giant spider crawling around Nolan's house.
"What!?" Nolan says.
"No killing on the premises or something like that."
Now he chooses to refresh his memory of the house rules? "To be disregarded if my life is in danger!" Nolan says.
Aiden shrugs, finishes his water, and then takes the empty plastic bottle and smashes it on the corner of the sink. He peers into it to confirm. "Dead," he says.
Nolan sighs in relief. He must admit that sometimes having a roommate isn't the most terrible thing in the world.
7. Make love… but don't make noise.
This was maybe the most important rule on Nolan's list of house rules. He meant to be discreet about it by sticking it in the middle of the list, but now that he thinks about it Nolan should have perhaps given it its proper placement right at the top, because either the walls of his 10 million dollar house are oddly thin or his houseguests are just inconsiderately loud.
Nolan didn't even realize Emily would be spending the night until he heard about it, as it were.
There is too much moaning and gasping and heavy breathing coming from the room next door.
Too much of everything. All it's doing is painting a very clear picture in Nolan's mind that he really, really does not want to see. But he can't very well just pop his head into the room and ask them to quiet down.
Nolan tries to think of the best way to deal with this, until he finally settles on rapping his fist against the wall a couple of times. Finally the noise stops. But then there is the unmistakable sound of bed springs squealing.
He takes his pillow and uses it to cover his head.
11. Shirt collars must be popped at least 80% of the time.
17. No fish for breakfast.
It's breakfast time and Nolan and Aiden are sitting across from each other at the kitchen table, eating their respective breakfasts (black coffee and a poached egg for Nolan, cereal for Aiden.) Neither of them speaks, and it's pleasant enough. There's no fish for breakfast, they aren't fighting about anything—Nolan can't complain. But he looks up from reading the morning news on his tablet to look at Aiden's shirt. His roommate is wearing a black polo.
Aiden looks up and Nolan looks back down quickly.
But the news doesn't hold his attention for long. He looks back up at Aiden and his shirt. It's a nice enough shirt but it could be made to look so much nicer. Aiden looks up again and Nolan looks back down.
When Nolan looks back up again he sees that the collar on Aiden's shirt is now popped. Nolan smiles. It's a small gesture but still… He goes back to reading.
1. No Kung Fu in the living room.
3. No beating people up within a mile radius of mi casa.
9. Clothing optional during workouts.
Emily and Aiden have pushed aside the furniture in the living room in order to practice some kung fu moves. Nolan guesses this is their idea of fun or something. He doesn't understand it and normally, this whole thing would be in violation of rules 1 and 3, but he lets it slide because Emily is kicking Aiden's ass.
It's really fun to watch.
And, Aiden's shirt is off.
Nolan makes popcorn, makes himself comfortable atop his kitchen table, and blows off his plans for the rest of the hour.
2. 007 references are encouraged.
6. Do not use the hair products in either bathroom.
It starts off innocuously enough in the kitchen, like most things do between the two of them. Nolan's not even sure how or why but something about Aiden's got him thinking of 007 again and he finds himself humming the theme music to the James Bond movies. Suddenly, Aiden's humming the tune in time with him.
Pretty soon they're no longer humming, but the James Bond theme song is blaring from every speaker in the house. Nolan has let Aiden borrow some of his hair gel and the two of them have slicked their hair back, are wearing their smartest suits, have a gun each, and are doing their best 007 poses in the living room.
The music still blares when Emily walks into the house. The two men freeze, and Nolan presses a button on the remote in his pocket that cuts the music off. Emily doesn't need to say anything because Nolan and Aiden know her well enough to read the expression on her face.
Naturally, they're embarrassed, but they know instinctually that they're going to play it cool.
"They aren't loaded," Aiden explains, holding up his gun.
"Yeah Ems," Nolan says. "Nothing but two adult men in their best eveningwear just… hanging out."
Emily still doesn't say anything, just leaves the living room, but Nolan's sure he detected a smirk on her face.
Nolan clicks his remote again and the music resumes. Having a roommate really isn't that terrible sometimes.
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