CHARACTERS: ROBERTO MARTINEZ, only Martinez family son, 23
JULIA CARTER, only daughter of the Carter family, 22
PERRY HAMLET, supposed to be fiance of Julia, 30
LARRY THE PRIEST, priest of the local church, 50
SCENE: Local street in Verona, Italy
AT RISE: ROBERTO is seen sitting down in despair as he looks as though the world has gone against him. LARRY THE PRIEST walks in, sees ROBERTO and sits down next to ROBERTO.
LARRY THE PRIEST
Roberto, my man! Hey, how are you doing? You look as though a girl just dumped you on a date.
ROBERTO
(Cries in despair) That's exactly what happened Larry! The girl I was dating just about two hours ago just told me (makes voice high to mimic a woman's voice) " Roberto, I hate you. We are through." (says in HIS own voice again) I give up! What's a guy to do in order to get a girl around here in Verona!? (ROBERTO bends forward, buries his face into his hands and starts despair noises)
LARRY THE PRIEST
(Says to audience) Wow, he sure is depressed. I wonder what it's going to take to get him to be happy again? (Turns to ROBERTO) Hey, listen man. (ROBERTO sits up and takes his face out of his hands to look at LARRY THE PRIEST) Just because one stupid girl turned you down, doesn't mean that you'll never find a girlfriend.
ROBERTO
(ROBERTO wipes his nose on his sleeve and sniffles) R-really? You really think so?
LARRY THE PRIEST
Would I- a priest- ever lie to you?
ROBERTO
(Hugs LARRY THE PRIEST, LARRY THE PRIEST makes a surprised grunt as ROBERTO thanks him really fast) Thank you, thank you, thankyou! I feel so much better now! (ROBERTO stands up and does a heroic pose)All I need to do now is find another girlfriend and get on with my life like a real man! Now lets see... (Looks around) Nope, not her... Not her … Not her! (JULIA struts holding three shopping bags full of clothes and is talking to someone on her cell phone) Holy cow, Larry- and no pun intended since you're a priest- but take a look at her!
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST gasps when he suddenly knows who the girl is) Uh, Roberto, that's Julia. She's the only daughter of your father's only enemy!
ROBERTO
(ROBERTO excitedly talks to LARRY THE PRIEST as he preps himself walking forward to JULIA) Who gives a crap? I'm going to talk to her! (ROBERTO struts to JULIA. JULIA hangs up cell phone, and ROBERTO taps on JULIA'S shoulder to to get her attention)
JULIA
(Talks to ROBERTO in a snobbish tone) Can I help you, mister?
ROBERTO
(With a huge "manly" grin) I don't know. Can you?
JULIA
Picklebreath womanizer... (JULIA starts to walk away, then ROBERTO grabs her arm to stop her) Excuse me! I need to go home!
ROBERTO
Please listen! (ROBERTO hesitates as he lets go of JULIA'S arm) Would you like to go on a date with me?!
JULIA
(JULIA thinks for a moment, turns to audience and smiles) Well now... (turns to face ROBERTO) You are kind of cute, so... sure!
ROBERTO
Great! How about now?
JULIA
Now would be good. (JULIA and ROBERTO walk off stage hand in hand as they talk to each other)
LARRY THE PRIEST
This is... exciting. There's a song that goes with these two... now how does it go? Oh yes! (LARRY THE PRIEST clears his throat and sings the Elton John classic from The Lion King)
Can you feel the love tonight?
It is where we are,
It's enough for this wide eyed wanderer,
that we got this far... (exits the stage humming the rest of the song. Stage is empty for a brief moment, then PERRY comes walking in texting on cell phone looking for JULIA)
PERRY
Julia! Julia my love, I'm ba- (looks up from phone and looks around) Julia? Julia where in the sam hell are you? (PERRY turns to audience) Damn it, if I don't find her, I'll never be able to marry her and receive her family fortune- I mean... be able to live a happily married life!(PERRY puts away his cell phone, then JULIA and ROBERTO walk back on stage smiling and giggling holding hands, leaving a shocked and horrified look on PERRY's face. JULIA and ROBERTO see PERRY and JULIA gasps)
JULIA
P-Perry! Uh... hi.
PERRY
Who the hell is that Julia?! (PERRY briefly points to ROBERTO accusingly)
JULIA
Roberto Martinez my... husband.
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST walks across stage) And I was the priest of the wedding. (LARRY THE PRIEST exits stage on the other side)
ROBERTO
Uh... Julia, what's going on?
JULIA
Roberto, this is my newly ex-fiance, Perry Hamlet.
PERRY
Julia! Did you say his name was Martinez?! That's your father'senemy!
ROBERTO
Yeah, and I don't care if our family's hate each other! Even though I've known her for about, well... 15 minutes, I love Julia!
PERRY
No, I love Julia! I'm her original fiance!
JULIA
Perry, dude, I've hated you since the moment I laid my eyes on you, so calm down.
PERRY
I will not calm down! That Roberto has my girl, and that's you Julia!
ROBERTO
Well, she's mine now, uh... (gives PERRY a confused look) Jerry, is it?
PERRY
(Shouts with anger) It's Perry like the platypus you bastard! And Julia,(PERRY points his forefinger at JULIA) you are and always will be mine.
ROBERTO
Not if I can help it you platypus! (ROBERTO draws out his sword)
PERRY
(Shouts at ROBERTO) I am not a platypus! (PERRY tries to draw out his sword, but his cell phone gets in the way) Oh, uh... one moment please... I curse the bloody git who invented these damn things... Aha! Finally! Now we duel! (PERRY finally draws out his own sword. Then both men shout, run at each other, and fight)
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST comes out onto stage, sees ROBERTO and PERRY fighting, and turns to JULIA excitedly) Oh, how I do love a good cat fight! Scoot over Julia dear, would you? (LARRY THE PRIEST sits next to JULIA as JULIA takes out her phone and starts typing)
JULIA
(Typing on phone) New Facebook status: OMG, my new husband and ex-fiance are fighting. (JULIA puts down her phone as ROBERTO and PERRY slow down the fighting)
PERRY
(Shouts as he points to ROBERTO) Listen you Martinez jerk, I may be a reasonable man, but I do not share what is mine!
JULIA
(Shouts at PERRY irritated) I was never yours.
PERRY
(shouting at JULIA) Shut up, Julia!
ROBERTO
(ROBERTO shouts as he points at PERRY) Hey! Nobody is to do that to Julia! Now you'll have to pay! (ROBERTO runs over to PERRY with his sword ready. But PERRY stabs ROBERTO in the stomach, and ROBERTO falls to the ground once PERRY withdraws his sword from ROBERTO.)
JULIA
(shouting) Roberto! (runs over to ROBERTO's body)
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST says shocked) Whoa... didn't see that coming.
PERRY
(to audience) Now I am the most powerful man of all Verona, Italy! Ha-ha-ha!
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST starts to cry a little as JULIA tries to comfort ROBERTO) Did not see that one coming either. Holy crap, this is getting way too sad man!(LARRY THE PRIEST pulls out his handkerchief and blows his nose and wipes his eyes.)
JULIA
(as ROBERTO dies) Roberto! Are you okay?! Say something!
ROBERTO
(ROBERTO puts his hand on JULIA's cheek) At least I got to see you... One last time Julia. (ROBERTO's hand slips off of JULIA's cheek and ROBERTO dies)
JULIA
(Shouts as she cries) No! Roberto! Perry you bastard! (JULIA grabs ROBERTO's sword and stabs herself) Now I'll... be with... Roberto. (JULIA falls next to ROBERTO and dies.)
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST's eyes get wide) Holy... crap... did not expect that to happen...
PERRY
(runs over to JULIA's body and grabs his own sword) No! Julia, my money- I mean, my love! I didn't want this to happen! I'll be with you in moments! (PERRY stabs himself in the chest and LARRY THE PRIEST looks at him in complete shock) Now is... the time... to see you again Julia. (PERRY falls and dies)
LARRY THE PRIEST
(LARRY THE PRIEST gets up and walks over to ROBERTO, JULIA and PERRY's bodies and looks back to THEM and the audience) Well... now... um... So I guess this is the tragic ending to the story of Julia and her lover Roberto... sort of. Oh well, those funerals aren't going to plan themselves so goodbye. (LARRY THE PRIEST exits the stage)
THE END
Author's note: Okay, this was a parody I wrote for a playwrights project. Give feedback please! Well, that's all. Remember folks: Review, favorite and enjoy! Ciao~!