Facing the Demons

All rights and characters belong to Sally Wainwright

This story is my first attempt at Fan Fiction. I see it as a possible way to have Kate McKenzie Dawson continue her life with Caroline McKenzie-Dawson in Last Tango and attempt some in-depth storylines for Caroline and Kate who bring the warmth and love to this series. Your feedback will be most appreciated.

Chapter One

Kate finished cleaning her teeth and turned the tap off. As she did, she heard the now familiar sound of Caroline moaning and crying in her sleep. She walked back into the room and gently eased herself on to the bed beside her wife and held her, stroking the beads of perspiration from her face. Caroline slowly woke and as she opened her eyes she stared at Kate with relief as she wound her body around her for security. It had been another night of terrors, dreams of death and funerals.

"Darling you really are going to have to deal with these dreams and emotions you are experiencing they are leaving you exhausted and tense; I am worried about you", Kate whispered gently to her. "It's nearly ten weeks since the accident and I have been home for four of those getting better and stronger every day, but you are still suffering so much, Caroline".

Kate's time in hospital after the accident had been a roller coaster. The doctor had spoken very openly to Caroline and told her that Kate's life hung in the balance; she had lost a lot of blood from internal injuries and it would be days before they knew whether she would pull through. It was a miracle that Flora had survived the impact but thankfully her prognosis was good, which was more than could be said for Kate. At the words of the surgeon, Caroline had let out a cry of agony and fallen into the arms of her mother pleading out loud for her new wife not to die. The previous day's upset and bad feeling between mother and daughter was brushed aside by this devastating event.

The next six weeks were a blur of bedside vigils with good news one day; fear and devastation the next. There had been calls from the hospital in the middle of the night and dashes to be with her wife as she fought for life. Flora had been released from intensive care after two weeks and allowed home. Caroline had been almost cut in half emotionally, wanting to spend every moment with Kate, yet also needing to care for her beautiful new daughter as she knew Kate would want her to.

As Kate became more stable, Caroline would often take Flora to the hospital and lay her on her mother's chest so that they could bond and feel each other's heartbeat. She felt this was helping Kate to fight.

Greg had turned up to the hospital when he heard about Kate; genuinely upset and shocked. He said to Caroline;"Kate is one of my oldest friends and I need to feel that I can help in some way, provided you don't feel I am intruding". Caroline was so exhausted that she agreed. He was a computer programmer and so could work from home. Two days a week he would stay at their house and look after Flora. Celia was on hand to help him but he seemed quite a natural with the baby. Caroline was grateful that he never tried to discuss any on-going relationship with Flora as she knew this was something Kate would need to decide.

After three weeks of agony, the doctors finally gave Caroline the news she had been desperate to hear, Kate was over the worst and she should, with time and rehabilitation, make a full recovery. Three weeks later, Caroline made her last trip to the hospital and this time came home with the love of her life.

Emotionally, Caroline was still a mess and Kate sat waiting for her to arrive home, bracing herself for the conversation she was about to have with her. It was now two weeks since Caroline went back to work and Kate knew well that each moment they were apart was still agony for Caroline. She would receive a text every hour during the day to make sure she and Flora were OK and Caroline would spend her lunch break at her desk on the phone to Kate; all this plus the nightmares and crying sessions were starting to really worry Kate.

She heard the tyres of the car crunch on the gravel and any moment Caroline would walk in looking strained and tired. Within minutes they would be in each other's arms on the lounge and Kate would try to soothe away the tension and fear her wife had carried all day.

"Caroline, you know how worried I am about you; nearly losing us has put such a strain on you both emotionally and physically. You are always so strong for everyone and I want you to have someone who can help you to work through all this."

Caroline sighed and said" You are all I need, you, Flora and the boys, and I will get over it eventually".

Kate took a deep breath and said," No Caroline, this time I am putting my foot down and insisting that you take care of yourself for a change. I have a friend from University, her name is Amy Walker and she is a clinical psychologist. She has a practice not far from here and I have already phoned her and made an appointment for you to see her. I have not told her what it is about because that is your story to tell. Please, go and see her, just give it a try".

Caroline studied Kate's worried face and not wanting to cause her any more strain she agreed to at least go and see Amy. Kate kissed Caroline gently and stroked her face trying to soothe away the tension she could feel there. Caroline felt herself relaxing and pushing away the ever intrusive thoughts of 'what might have been'. Moments later, Kate slipped out of Caroline's arms and left her wife to doze while she responded to the cries of Flora who was stirring in her cot after her afternoon nap.

Later that evening when dinner and dishes were finished, Caroline and Kate sat at the kitchen bench and discussed the recent proposal made by Greg. When Kate came out of hospital, it was obvious she would still need some help with Flora as she became tired quickly. Greg had offered to continue his two days a week until Kate felt strong enough to carry on alone. It was a difficult decision for her as she had always told Caroline that Greg was 'never part of the equation', but his help had been invaluable over the past two months and his growing attachment to Flora was obvious.

Greg had confided in Kate that he was now in a relationship with another woman and they were looking at having a family. His partner knew all about Kate and Flora and was quite at ease with it. However, he was a man of his word and wanted to re-assure them that he would never force an on-going arrangement if that's the way they wanted it. Not wanting to make this a big issue at the moment, Kate suggested that for the next two weeks they leave things as they were and then re-visit the issue.

She was desperately trying to keep the focus on Caroline and her need to find some closure to what had become a terrible trauma. "Amy is a lovely person , I always felt she had something special when we were at Durham. I hope you can find a connection and be able to trust her."

A few seconds later, Caroline's phone started to buzz. As she looked at the screen, Kate saw a frown appear on Caroline's face, "Yes John, what can I do for you? Yes we are home, why do you need to come around, can't you just tell me over the phone?" Looking at Kate she whispered, "something's come up and he wants to come round, are you OK with that?" "Actually no I'm not Caroline. You are under enough pressure and he always brings you some sob story that he expects you to deal with or feel sorry about. Please tell him no." Caroline put the phone back to her face, "John, I'm sorry, it isn't convenient at this moment." she said somewhat reluctantly. She could hear the frustration in his voice as he tried to force the issue. It was something to do with wanting her to go and look at a new flat with him. "I value your opinion Caroline and I have no-one else to ask", he had said rather pathetically. "Not now John, Kate has only been home a few weeks and she still needs all my time." Angrily he muttered something about her not caring about the father of her children and hung up.

Caroline's eyes welled up with tears so Kate walked around the bench and put her arms around her wife and pulled her close into her own body. "Let's have an early night. Flora is sound asleep and Lawrence is doing his homework in his room. We can just be together with some soothing music and I will try to show you why I fought to stay alive". Making love had been a rare and gentle affair since Kate came home as she was still delicate and they were both hesitant in case it caused Kate discomfort. However, they could lie together in each other's arms for hours just soaking up the love that was so strong and the feelings of gratitude that they had been spared the worst thing that could ever have happened to them.

Caroline sat in a rather bright and vibrant waiting room. There was a reception desk and three doors each with the name of a therapist on it. She was staring at the door marked Amy Walker and thinking that she had no desire to be there but would, at this point, do anything for Kate. After about ten minutes, the door opened and a man in his forties with red eyes and a handkerchief to his face walked out. 'Shit' Caroline thought, 'what am I about to walk into'.

Amy came out and faced her "Caroline, would you like to come through? Please take a seat over here. Can I get you a glass of water?" Caroline politely declined and settled into the chair opposite Amy. "Caroline, I'm sure Kate has filled you in a little on how we know each other, but I want to assure you that my focus will be solely on what it is you wish to work on with me and anything we do together will be strictly confidential. We will not to enter into a therapeutic relationship until we have both established that we are comfortable with each other. Are you OK with that?" Caroline replied, "Yes, that's fine. If I am to start by being honest then I have to say that I am only here because Kate is worried about me and really wanted me to come". "I can understand that, thanks for being honest, it is a good start." Amy said as she walked over to her desk.

After a few moments of silence, Amy now armed with a pad and pen started "Can I ask you to just give me a few details about yourself. Just tell me what you are comfortable with and what you want me to know at this point."

Caroline found herself describing her life up until the time she met Kate. It sounded like a very matter of fact story until she reached the point of having her boys and she softened her tone and spoke with affection and love. This was a valuable insight for Amy. As soon as Caroline started to describe how she met and fell in love with Kate, her eyes filled with tears and she could feel a huge knot starting to form in her stomach. Amy asked if she would like a break, Caroline said she would rather continue but steered the conversation away from Kate.

At the end of the fifty minutes Amy thanked Caroline for her openness and suggested that she would be willing to work with her but she would like to give her a chance to decide if it was indeed what she wanted. "I won't make another appointment for you but I have three sessions available next week at these times. Take my card and within the next forty eight hours let me know if you would like to come back." "Thank you Amy, I'll talk it over with Kate and then call you back".

Amy replied, "Caroline, I would leave this one thought with you. These sessions are for you, not you and Kate. Just think about what that means for you." With that she opened the door and Caroline left without a backwards glance.

Caroline sat in her car for a while mulling over the last hour. She had indeed felt comfortable with Amy who was nice enough and she had observed that a therapist's 'listening' had a different intensity to it, not like just talking to a friend and that could mean opening some very big wounds.

When she arrived home, she could smell dinner cooking and hear a child's song playing softly in the kitchen. She stood at the door for a moment and surveyed the scene. Kate was busy at the stove, Flora was gurgling in her rocker and Lawrence was at the dining table doing his homework. Caroline thought she would break with happiness. "Hello you lot, what a scene of domestic bliss this is". Without looking up, Lawrence said "Dad's been round", and then looked at his mother to see the reaction. "Why was he here?" Caroline said rather tentatively. "He was looking for you of course" snapped Kate. Caroline knew immediately that his visit had been anything but pleasant. Sensing the tension, Lawrence excused himself and said he was going to play on his X box until tea was ready.

"He arrived before Lawrence got home from school. I told him no one was home but he said he would like to wait to see Lawrence. So I stupidly let him in and that's when he started talking about what a fool he had been to let you go, all the mistakes he had made and how he missed his home and family". Kate was visibly upset and shaking at this point. "Caroline he doesn't get it! You are my wife now and we have been through hell the last three months and I can't deal with his shit!" Caroline gathered Kate into her arms and tried to soothe her, but Kate was having none of it and almost screamed "This has got to stop, and you are the only one who can make it stop."

At that moment, Caroline knew that her inability to confront this issue head on and deal with it properly was always going to cause heartache for Kate. She had been conflicted about the situation as she was concerned that her sons suffered as little as possible through the break up and divorce. She began to have flash backs to the recurring nightmare where Kate had died and John had come to the house asking her to take him back as her husband. She shuddered and tried to get the image out of her head, something it wasn't easy to do. "I will deal with it darling, trust me this time I will".

Later in bed wrapped around each other as they had taken to sleeping since the accident, Kate whispered softly "I'm sorry, I love you;" Caroline moved in even closer and began to cry softly into her wife's neck. Kate, knew the trauma was still so profoundly difficult said gently, "I'm going to book a cottage by the sea for this weekend and we can get out of here and have some private family time together with no interruptions. We'll ask Lawrence if he wants to come and bring Angus or he can stay at his place. Either way, you are having a complete break." A few moments later Caroline was asleep and Kate prayed hard that she would have a peaceful night with no nightmares or disturbances.

The next day Caroline picked up her mobile and rang Amy's number. An answering machine came on and Caroline said simply, "This is Caroline McKenzie-Dawson. Same time next week please."

A few days later, the two women sat on the deck of a cottage looking out over the beach eating croissants and drinking freshly squeezed juice and coffee. Flora was on a blanket playing with her teddy bear and rabbit. Lawrence had decided on a weekend at Angus's whose parents had been so wonderfully supportive and helpful while Kate was in hospital. Lawrence had almost lived there permanently at one point. A week after Kate came out of hospital, she insisted that Caroline invite them around for dinner to say thank you. They were lovely people and had always fully supported the two women and their relationship and indeed had been the ones to take Lawrence aside and help him gently to see that his mother's happiness was important and he needed to support her too. It had had major impact on Lawrence and he had become far more relaxed at home and his affection for Kate and his baby sister was slowly developing.

"This is lovely Kate. Thanks for thinking of it and yes, my mobile is switched off". Kate laughed and congratulated her wife on her strength of character. Caroline was joined at the hip with her mobile phone normally.

"Caroline, if you feel OK about it, can we talk about what things you might bring up with Amy; what do think are the most pressing issues apart from me nearly dying of course." Kate asked tentatively. Caroline sat silently for a while and then she said. "Well obviously nearly losing you, both of you, was more than I could handle. Remember that day in my office when my mother and Alan had been lost and I cried and said to you how unfair it would have been to have found each other and then died?". "Yes I do. I also remember what happened later that day!" Kate replied a little cheekily. "Well it was like that but multiplied by a thousand for me. While you were desperately ill, I started having horrible dreams and they were so real. I would wake up bathed in sweat and crying. I even had a dream that we had your funeral and your mother was there, she had come over from America. Your mother was here, of course, by your bedside until you were out of danger. Then I started 'seeing' you; which was lovely but also haunting. It was like you were beside me as I tried to cope with everything but you were like a ghost." Kate reached out for Caroline's hand and stroked it gently. They sat in silence for some time.

"Kate, I also know that I have not supported you enough in relation to John. I was thinking about it the other day after he had been round upsetting you. I know him, I know how self centred and needy he is and I have lived with that for years and in some ways it is just easier to give in to him. You deserve better than that. He is not part of your life and nor should I expect him to be. The way he behaves and speaks is so disrespectful of us and our marriage. I haven't done enough to prevent his intrusion. I will try harder."

Kate got out of her seat and lifted Caroline's face to meet hers and kissed her passionately. "You are so courageous my darling. We will get through this together and I'm sure Amy will help you to focus on letting go of all the pain and horror you have, not just around the accident but the negativity you have had to face from people you would least expect it from". Caroline knew that Kate was thinking of Celia and how she had manipulated and hurt Caroline so much while constantly telling her that she really did love her. Ginka, Kate's mother, had been the antithesis of this with her on-going support and love for both of them.

Later that evening with Flora against her mother's chest in a baby sling, they strolled along the deserted beach hand in hand. Caroline thinking how determined she was to overcome all of her issues and focus on the joy she felt at that moment. Kate thinking how happy she was to be alive, to be a mother and to married to the most wonderful woman in the world.