Star Wars Conspiracies Star Wars Conspiracies
Author's Note: A glimpse into my nasty, suspicious mind. I see conspiracies everywhere. These are four of the ones I figured out for Star Wars. Um. I hope I don't insult anyone.
Obi-Wan Kenobi and the weird squishy-faced guy whose name I don't know. Why are they never seen in the same scene? (If they are, don't tell me. I happen to like my delusions!) (Oh, I just looked it up, the squishy-faced guy's name is Nute Gunray.) Anyway, they're never in the same scene. Isn't that just a little too weird? Maybe it's an evil conspiracy, and they're really the same person, and they're going to use the Trade Federation plot device to take over the world! Obi-Wan will pretend he's stopping them, but he's really on their side! He's also in charge of the Trade Federation, and he will control it and blow up Naboo and kill all the klutzy Gungans with speech disorders! (Which covers most of them.) BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! *clears throat* Ahem. Padme and Queen Amidala. How do we know they're the same person? What if they're twins, and no one would ever know, because they look exactly alike? (Ok, this one isn't as good. I don't know why they'd do this, but I'm sure they have some sort of evil conspiracy going. Figure it out for yourself.) Darth Vader and Anakin. Maybe they aren't the same person. Honestly, I can't believe my great-grandfather could ever have been a wimpy little boy who shouted "Yippee!". It just isn't possible. What I think happened, is Anakin has a twin brother, named… uh… Billy Bob Bob Billy Bob Bob Billy Bob Bob Bob Joe. Billy Bob Bob Billy Bob Bob Billy Bob Bob Bob Joe was a stupid little kid who shouted "Yippee!" and pranced around claiming he made complicated droids when he probably couldn't even find the instruction manual. Anakin, on the other hand, was a mechanical genius and built C3PO and so on and so on. Qui Gon wanted to take Anakin away, but BBBBBBBBBBJ was older, so he had to take him. Anakin stole aboard on the ship anyway, cause he was smart enough to know you can run away from your problems. But BBBBBBBBBBJ was really stupid and flew a Naboo Starfighter out in the middle of a battle and got blown up. Anakin, on the other hand, also flew out and won the battle for them. When it was discovered BBBBBBBBBBJ was dead, everyone said, "Oh, well, train Anakin instead", and Anakin became a mighty Sith Lord. (Now, that is a conspiracy!) Jar Jar. I don't think George Lucas really intended for Jar Jar to be in the movie. Jar Jar is really an escapee from an animal shelter that was right next to a power plant, where, of course, they weren't experimenting on animals and they didn't try to engineer an animal that could think for itself and feed itself and so on, and they most certainly never messed up and got Jar Jar instead. (I'm sure you all understand me perfectly… right?) But Jar Jar sneaked onto the movie set when they were filming, and killed the perfectly innocent Wookie who was going to be there by talking endlessly at the Wookie in his annoying Gungan accent until the Wookie dropped dead from irritation, boredom, or a desperate wish to get away from Jar Jar. So, when George Lucas looked around and said, hey, where's my Wookie, Jar Jar presented himself and they were behind schedule already so George Lucas had to go ahead and use Jar Jar. Author's Note: So… Star Wars conspiracies… Are they just coincidences… or something more? Join me in my delusions, and we will discover the truth! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! *clears throat* Ahem.
