By cerise
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, I'll put them back where they belong when I'm done playing. Many mumbles about Joss, HIM, WB, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anyone else with a legal claim--not me.
Rating: PG for mild language and sexual references
Spoilers: I Will Remember You, (Angel) Pangs through This Year's Girl
*****
Riley was running. Nice morning, a little chilly, but he was moving enough for it to feel good. Working across campus, he was scanning the path ahead leading to a little courtyard, and hey, there was Buffy! He sped up a little as he saw her go to the phone booth on the edge by the benches. She had her back to him so he decided to run up and surprise her, maybe press his face against the glass and make the weird bigmouth face. They could both use a good laugh, a nice light moment between them.
He slowed down as he got close, trying to slow down his breathing so she wouldn't hear him. Walking the last couple steps, grinning at the unexpected pleasure of getting to see her. Yeah things had been weird, but all in all, he'd rather be with Buffy even when things were bad than be without her. She'd been avoiding him, Riley knew. But he really thought it was just a bump in the road, they would get through it, get past it. And he had confidence they'd be together.
Her voice, a little quiet, surprised him, and stopped him in his tracks. "Hi. Let me speak to Angel."
Angel. His name had finally come up in one of their long discussions in Faith's aftermath. They had stayed up 'til the wee hours while Buffy told him everything, from the day she'd met Angel until the day he'd left her.
Riley understood, sort of. As much as he was able, at least. He felt like his whole world was changing, that the ground never stopped shifting beneath his feet. Everything he knew about the world, well, it was true, but so much of what he'd been told wasn't true, was. Faith changing bodies with Buffy by magick. Magick. Vampires. Good vampires. Demons. Good demons. Slayers and mystical destinies. Werewolves and Watchers and spells, oh my.
It was a lot to take in. It would have been enough if Buffy had just had a strong connection to her first love, but to find out that her ex was a vampire, a vampire with a soul no less, was a lot to take in. Riley was curious and a little weirded out by it, but he was doing the best he could. But then to add to the issue by finding out that your girlfriend had first killed her former boyfriend and tried to kill another person to save him, had incited him into feeding from her, and so many other things, was big. And he was still trying to get his mind around it.
Riley knew it would be easier to just bag it with Buffy, just move on and find some nice normal girl. Easier, not better. Leaving, ending it, was never even a real option. There was a connection between them, something real and true and fine, and Riley had seen enough sadness and hurt to believe that when you found that, you held on with everything you had.
But now she was calling Angel. And not from her room. Just, out on a jog and calling him. Riley knew she didn't contact Angel casually; the last time she'd spoken to him was right after Thanksgiving, and she'd said that there wasn't going to be a reason for her to call him again.
But now she's calling Angel. All light. "Let me speak to Angel." Something had changed. Looked like everything had changed. She must have changed her mind... she must have decided that what she could have with Angel was enough, that she wanted it more than him. Riley turned around and started walking back. His optimism and hope were gone. He'd gone as far as he could and he still lost her. How was he going to get past this? How was he going to move on? How could anyone else measure up to her?
Defeated, crushed, Riley went to his room.
*****
"Angel Investigations, may I help you," a crisp, male, British-accented voice said. Buffy answered, "Hi. Let me speak to Angel."
"I'm dreadfully sorry, but he's unavailable right now. Perhaps..."
Buffy interrupted, shock audible in her voice. "Wesley?"
"Why yes, Wesley Wyndham Price here, and who may I be addressing?"
"Wesley, it's me, it's uh, it's Buffy."
"Buffy! Oh my! Yes, well. Buffy. It's ah, it's good to speak to you."
"Wesley, what are you doing there?"
"Ahh, yes. Well, after, erm, severing my connection with the Council, I continued the good fight on my own, became something of a rogue demon hunter, crossing the land, working for the cause, that sort of thing. Found Angel and Cordelia here and decided it was, ah, advantageous to enter into a alliance of sorts with them."
Imagine that. Buffy laughed to herself at the idea of Angel and Wesley cooperating. "Wesley, it's really important that I speak to Angel. Can you give him a mess-"
"Oh, quite. No, no, no, we screen the calls, clear out the riffraff and so forth. Cordy's gotten quite creative in finding new ways to scare away those awful telemarketers. Finds a bit too much amusement in abusing the poor sods, if you ask me, but--"
"Wesley...."
"Oh! Yes, yes. Sorry! Hold a moment?"
Buffy waited. Then she heard the voice that was as familiar to her as her own heartbeat. "Buffy. Are you all right?"
"Angel." She swallowed. Still so hard to hear him, hear him say her name, the concern in his voice.
"Ah, Angel, I need to talk to you about when I visited in November."
Angel's voice immediately became guarded. "Just a second." She heard the clunk of the phone being laid down on the desk and then a moment later, the sound of a door closing. "Buffy, what is it you want to talk about?"
"About, ah, Mohra demons, and, ah, uh..."
Silence of a few moments before she could bring herself to say it.
"I remember everything."
Angel, still wary, said, "What do you mean, you remember everything?"
Buffy answered quietly. "I remember the blood and the kiss at the beach and the ice cream and the kitchen table and falling asleep in your arms."
Silence again.
"Angel?"
When Angel answered, his voice was a gasp. "How? You weren't ever supposed to know."
"Willow did a spell, to show me what Faith did in my body, what my body did that I missed. And I guess I got two for the price of one. Giles called you, you know about Faith, right?" Buffy answered quietly.
"Yes, he called. Buffy, I don't... I don't know what to say. You're not, you're not mad?"
"No. I mean, I was a little at first. I thought it was you deciding for me again. But I saw, Angel, I know. You did the only thing you could. I mean, I just wanted you to know, it's OK. When you left, you said your good-byes. I think now, knowing, finally I can too. Before, I never really let go of the idea of someday maybe, but now, I guess I can." Buffy choked back a sob.
"Oh Buffy. It's, just, there, really no other way."
"You're right, I know. And I probably won't be calling you again. But I just wanted you to know. It's not just a sad thing, really. We both have the memory of that perfect day to share."
"It really was perfect, you know. If you weren't what you are, or I wasn't, we'd have an amazing life." Angel said.
"Amazing. But we are. So we have amazing memories. But we both have to move on."
Angel managed a small laugh. "Gosh Buffy, how long have you had to think about this? You're so much more... clear than I would have expected."
"Oh thanks a lot!" Buffy smiled. They could laugh about it. Who would ever have thought.
"I have to go now Angel."
"I know. Buffy?"
"Yeah?"
"Have... have a good life. Be--happy."
"I will. I, I am. Or I'm working on it. At least I know I can be. And you showed me how to look for it, how to fight for it. And I thank you for it. Angel, remember, no matter what, I will always love you. You have a piece of my heart that no one else can ever even touch."
"Thank you Buffy." Angel answered quietly.
"Goodbye Angel." Buffy whispered, and hung up the phone.
Angel held the receiver in his hand just a moment longer, holding on to the connection. "Goodbye."
*****
Buffy hurried up the steps of Lowell House behind a military-looking guy and caught the door before it closed behind him and slipped inside. He turned around and she saw that it was Forrest. He looked at her with an unreadable expression. "Buffy."
"Forrest. Just going to see Riley." Buffy said, with forced cheeriness.
Forrest answered, "That's the only place you better be." He stood by the door and watched her walk through and make her way to the stairs.
*****
Walking down the hall toward Riley's room, Buffy had a sudden memory of Faith coming to see Riley. Briefly she thought of standing in the door and saying "Hi baby, did you miss me" like Faith had, but rejected that idea. She didn't think she could pull it off, and knowing Riley, it would take a lot more gentle telling of the tale for him to understand and accept the spell.
Riley's door was open, and she peeked around the frame. He was sitting at his desk with his back to the door doing paperwork. Buffy took a second, noticing that he'd recently showered, his hair was a little wet and she could still smell the slightly spicy scent of his soap.
Without turning around, Riley said, "Go away." Buffy jumped. "Huh? Wh-wh-what?" Riley turned around. "Oh. Sorry, thought you were Forrest. He's been ragging me." He didn't meet her eyes and looked back down at the papers on his desk. Buffy made a puzzled frown. She came into the room, closing the door behind her.
Buffy moved to stand behind Riley, placing her hands on his shoulders. God, he smelled so good. She felt his strong muscles under her fingers and smiled. Not just arms that were good to have.
Riley straightened in his chair and did his best not to react to Buffy's proximity. God, what is she trying to do? This is gonna kill me. He closed his eyes as her soft scent reached him, a mix of vanilla soap sweat and cold air. He relaxed the tiniest bit and let his head lay back just slightly, to be in contact with Buffy's stomach.
At the touch, Buffy smiled and moved her hands up the smooth skin of his neck and played with the short hair in back.
Riley cleared his throat and ducked his head forward. He had to get away from her hands. He couldn't stand it.
Buffy, a little puzzled, said, "Riley? You mad at me? I mean, I know I've been weird girl lately, but that's why I came, I want to talk to you. I mean, I really need to talk to you, I have to tell you some important stuff."
Riley strangled out, "Don't worry about it. I already know."
The coldness in his voice scared Buffy a little, and she was confused by his words. "Riley?"
He answered, "What?" without turning. Buffy moved to stand beside him, and he still didn't raise his head to meet her eyes. "Riley, what's wrong?" Panic grew in her. What was going on? Why was he so distant?
His head bobbed down, moving his pencil over the papers, he said, "Nothing. Why are you here?" God, was she going to insist on saying it? Could he get through it?
Buffy answered, still concerned. "Like I said, I needed, uh, I wanted to talk to you about a few things."
Riley sighed, and still facing away, said, "You don't need to Buffy. I know what's going on, and we can just skip the whole dramatic scene. I get it, OK."
"You get *what*?" Buffy asked, mystified.
"You. You and Angel. You're back together, I know. So let's just pretend that you told me, and that yes, we'll always be friends and you didn't want to hurt me and you know I'll meet a girl who's right for me, yadda yadda yadda." Riley said.
Buffy clasped his shoulder and turned him so he had to face her. "What the heck are you talking about? Are you back on those drugs?"
He shook her hand off, god, even that small contact would kill him. "You and Angel. Star crossed lovers of the century. You've decided to settle for whatever you can get with him."
Buffy was getting a little annoyed. "And just what gave you this idea?"
"I saw you this morning Buffy. I saw you go to the phone booth and call him. You couldn't even get through a morning run without talking to him." Riley's voice was threatening to crack, and he couldn't, wouldn't break in front of her. He tried to turn away again, but Buffy wouldn't let him.
And unbelievably, Buffy laughed. She threw back her head, and laughed. Then she threw her arms around him and hugged him, hard. Riley was totally thrown. OK, so she's lost her mind. More than peculiar, out and out crazy now.
Buffy stood back and took Riley's hand and tugged. "Come on, sit with me."
They sat together on the bed. "Riley, first off. No. Totally no, not Angel. What you saw, what you heard--you must not have stuck around to hear much of anything, did you?"
"I heard you call him. I couldn't listen to--"
"Listen to me finally say goodbye."
Riley moved back, in surprise. "Goodbye? What, why? What brought that on?"
Buffy smiled and said, "Well, Willow did a little magick last night, at my request."
"Magick." Riley repeated, hitting the final consonant hard.
"Yeah. The thing is, here's the thing. I mean, like I said, I've been pretty freaked about the Faith episode, and I just couldn't get over. Not beyond, past, over, nothing, and I felt like you weren't telling me everything."
Riley interjected, "But I..."
Buffy placed her finger on his lips to shush him. "It's OK. Really. Like I said, no matter what, I wanted to know more. So Willow found a spell that let me dream everything I missed."
Riley raised his eyebrows. "A spell. Wow. OK, well, I guess if I can accept that a spell switched you and Faith, it makes sense that another one can show you what... what went on when you weren't, well, you."
Buffy nodded. "Yep. But there's more. I had two dreams. One was of Faith, and one, one was of a day that got lost when I visited Angel."
Angel again. Riley's heart sank. This was getting to be too much. "OK, so. Tell me."
Swallowing hard, Buffy looked at him. "It's a lot to deal with, I know. But what it was was the blood of a demon made Angel human, and we were together."
"Together. Together together, or just together?" Riley asked.
"Together as in--together together." Buffy answered, hoping he wouldn't be angry.
Remembering that the two of them were little more than acquaintances then, that there had just been interest at that point, Riley knew he shouldn't hold it against her. But it was hard to swallow, thinking of Buffy in the arms of another man. No, in the arms of a vampire. His head was starting to hurt. Oh boy.
"So what happened? Is Angel still--?" Riley asked.
"No. Total vamp still. Or again. He, ah, realized he'd get himself killed, and me, or just me, probably, and he just couldn't. So he talked to these Oracles, these weird beings who are like, in touch with whatever gives his friend Doyle his visions. They like, folded the time so the day disappeared and no one but Angel knew it." Buffy exhaled hard after the long sentence.
"OK. OK, well, whew. But, if he were still human, you'd be with him." Riley forced himself to say.
Buffy looked at him steadily. "I have to say yes, Riley. But if he were still human, nothing would ever have started with you. There would never have been a choice between you."
Riley nodded, accepting the truth of what her words.
Buffy continued. "But what it did was make me realize that it's over. Period. No matter what happens, no matter if the best thing in the world happened and Angel became human, we'd never be together. And when I called Angel, I was calling him to tell him I knew, and that it was OK, and I was looking ahead of me now, not behind."
"Why did you call him from out there? Why not from your room? It was like you just had to talk to him, that it was like, new and impatient again."
Buffy laughed. "OK Finn. Sorry, didn't want to wake the roomie. She worked hard last night. That spell took a lot out of the Willster."
Still serious, Riley looked away and somehow brought himself to ask, "But that's not the only thing that's been between us. I know you've been wrestling with me sleeping with Faith, and that's been hard for you."
"Yeah, that Freaky Friday episode was a major roadblock 'til last night. I found out a lot of stuff, Riley. A lot about Faith, and about you too. The main thing going through my head before was, well, I worried." Buffy looked down, at his chest, his stomach, avoiding his eyes.
"You worried? Worried about what?" Riley asked.
"That you'd prefer Faith to me." Buffy said, very low.
"Prefer Faith? I thought I was making love to *you*, Buffy." Riley responded.
"But it wasn't me, it was someone else. Someone else with... a lot more experience and who's all sexy and uninhibited. You should know that this area of my life is not one I feel like, total confidence in. The two experiences before you, the guys bailed after one night with me. Not exactly good for the ol' ego."
"Buffy, I didn't do that when, when we..." Riley said.
"I know, but... I'm still a little weirded out by it. Besides Faith and I always had this competition thing going, and she was always, like, swinging from the chandeliers, at least talking about it. I just thought that maybe the reason you weren't talking much about it was that you did enjoy it. More. More than when it was me."
Riley finally reached out to Buffy, touching her on the chin and turning her face toward him. "Buffy. The reason I wasn't talking about it was I was ashamed. I should've known that it wasn't you. I should've known something was wrong. But when I'm around you, when you're near, it's overwhelming. And when you want me--it's like heaven. You flood my senses. You wanted to be with me and it was all I wanted, too. I thought you were acting strange because you'd maybe had a couple of beers."
Buffy smiled. "You've got nothing to be ashamed of, Riley. Nothing at all. Why would you even for a second think it wasn't me? And you were... wonderful to me, to Faith that night. How could I hold that gentleness against you? You moved Faith in a way that I don't think has ever happened to her before. When you said--when you said what you said, it affected her. She panicked."
Riley nodded. "I know."
"I know you know," Buffy said, mock-hitting him on the knee. "I just want you to know that I'm OK with the whole thing."
Riley cleared his throat. "But about that."
"About what?" Buffy asked.
"About that thing, that thing I said." he answered.
Buffy looked at her hands for a long moment.
Riley continued. "Buffy, even when I thought I was saying it to you, I wasn't saying it to hear you say it back. I was saying it because at that moment, I felt it and wanted you to know. It's a gift, it's a good thing. Not an... obligation. And I never mentioned it after because I didn't want you to misunderstand. You were going through enough without that. And you can just--pretend it never happened. We can just go back to where we were before."
"No." Buffy stated solemnly.
"No? What no?" Riley answered, fear growing into a lump in his throat. No, no, no. It couldn't be over. No...
Buffy looked at him. "Riley, we're coming from very different places, but we're heading toward the same thing. The same goal. And we can't go back. It's..." She took a deep breath. "Look at me."
Riley complied, his eyes watering. Without blinking, Buffy said, "Say it."
He knew what she wanted, and complied. "Buffy, I love you."
"I love you too." she replied.
Riley gulped, blinking furiously to hold back the rush of moisture that suddenly threatened. He looked at her. "You're sure? You're not just saying that because..."
"Riley, I've only ever said that to one other man. And I am so absolutely, completely sure. I love you." Buffy told him.
Riley just grinned. She grinned back, and then the thought came to her. She stood and pulled at him again, this time making him stand up. Not understanding but happy to go along, he let her push him into his desk chair. Buffy then scooted onto his lap, her legs straddling him. She rested her hands on his forearms and smiled up at his slightly confused face.
"Uh, Buffy, what are we doing here?" Riley asked.
Just as she arched and leaned back, Buffy answered, "We're... reclaiming. We're taking back moments that shoulda been just ours. And we're gonna enjoy a whole bunch of new ones."
With that, Buffy straightened back up, and Riley bent down, and their lips met in a kiss that held the promise of a lifetime's worth of memories.
The End