In Blood Promise we know that Dimitri and Rose shared blood, but for my story they shared a lot more. Being so obsessed with "curing" Dimitri of his Strigoi-ism, Rose doesn't even notice her missed Dimitri is finally turned back to his old self, and Rose realizes what has happened she decides that Dimitri can't know about the pregnancy so when Dimitri tells her to leave him alone. She doesn't fight it and instead goes to Adrian- knowing he will keep her secret and be more than willing to help her in this situation.
CHAPTER ONE:
"Rose? Did you hear me?"
"You said I was pregnant." I stated and then began counting back to the night Dimitri and I had last been together. Was it even possible? A Strigoi and a Dhampir? I felt something wet slide down my cheek. I hastily scrubbed it away.
"Rose, you're not the first girl this has happened to and you won't be the last. Rose? Are you listening? Rosemarie, you're an adult now. You have options."
"Please, excuse me." I murmured before pulling on my clothes and running out of there. I was pregnant and who could I tell? What was I going to do?
Abortion. The word, even thinking it stabbed my heart painfully. Dimitri and I... we made something I never even thought was possible. I put my hand over my stomach and let myself fall back against the brick building. I let myself cry and I thought.
I would try to do the right thing. I would try to tell Dimitri. I would try. But... what would I do if he still didn't want anything to do with me?
A small Moroi boy, no more than six, had suddenly broken from the crowd and run toward us. It was his mother who had screamed. I moved in to stop him, grabbing his arm. I wasn't afraid that Dimitri would hurt him, only that the boy's mother would have a heart attack. She came forward, face grateful.
"I have questions," the boy, obviously trying to be brave, said in a small voice. His mother reached for him, but I held up my hand. "Hang on a sec." I smiled down at him. "What do you want to ask? Go ahead." Behind him, fear flashed over his mother's face, and she cast an anxious look at Dimitri.
"I won't let anything happen to him," I whispered, though she had no way of knowing I could back that up. Nonetheless, she stayed where she was.
Reece rolled his eyes. "This is ridic-"
"If you're Strigoi," the boy interrupted loudly, "then why don't you have horns? My friend Jeffrey said Strigoi have horns." Dimitri's eyes fell not on the boy but on me for a moment. Again, that spark of knowing shot between us. Then, face smooth and serious, Dimitri turned to the boy and answered, "Strigoi don't have horns. And even if they did, it wouldn't matter because I'm not Strigoi."
"Strigoi have red eyes," I explained. "Do his eyes look red?" The boy leaned forward. "No. They're brown."
"What else do you know about Strigoi?" I asked.
"They have fangs like us," the boy replied. "Do you have fangs?" I asked Dimitri in a singsong voice. I had a feeling this was already-covered territory, but it took on a new feel when asked from a child's perspective. Dimitri smiled-a full, wonderful smile that caught me off guard. Those kinds of smiles were so rare from him. Even when happy or amused, he usually only gave half smiles. This was genuine, showing all his teeth, which were as flat as those of any human or dhampir. No fangs.
The boy looked impressed. "Okay, Jonathan," said his mother anxiously. "You asked. Let's go now."
"Strigoi are super strong," continued Jonathan, who possibly aspired to be a future lawyer. "Nothing can hurt them." I didn't bother correcting him, for fear he'd want to see a stake shoved through Dimitri's heart. In fact, it was kind of amazing that Reece hadn't already requested that. Jonathan fixed Dimitri with a piercing gaze. "Are you super strong? Can you be hurt?"
"Of course I can," replied Dimitri. "I'm strong, but all sorts of things can still hurt me." And then, being Rose Hathaway, I said something I really shouldn't have to the boy. "You should go punch him and find out." Jonathan's mother screamed again, but he was a fast little bastard, eluding her grasp. He ran up to Dimitri before anyone could stop him-well, I could have-and pounded his tiny fist against Dimitri's knee.
Then, with the same reflexes that allowed him to dodge enemy attacks, Dimitri immediately feinted falling backward, as though Jonathan had knocked him over. Clutching his knee, Dimitri groaned as though he were in terrible pain.
Several people laughed, and by then, one of the other guardians had caught hold of Jonathan and returned him to his near-hysterical mother. As he was being dragged away, Jonathan glanced over his shoulder at Dimitri.
"He doesn't seem very strong to me. I don't think he's a Strigoi." This caused more laughter, and the third Moroi interrogator, who'd been quiet, snorted and rose from his seat. "I've seen all I need to. I don't think he should walk around unguarded, but he's no Strigoi. Give him a real place to stay and just keep guards on him until further decisions are made."
Reece shot up. "But-"
The other man waved him off. "Don't waste any more time. It's hot, and I want to go to bed. I'm not saying I understand what happened, but this is the least of our problems right now, not with half the Council wanting to rip the other half's heads off over the age decree. If anything, what we've seen today is a good thing-miraculous, even. It could alter the way we've lived. I'll report back to Her Majesty."
And like that, the group began dispersing, but there was wonder on some of their faces. They too were beginning to realize that if what had happened to Dimitri was real, then everything we'd ever known about Strigoi was about to change. The guardians stayed with Dimitri, of course, as he and Lissa rose. I immediately moved toward them, eager to bask in our victory.
When he'd been "knocked over" by Jonathan's tiny punch, Dimitri had given me a small smile, and my heart had leapt. I'd known then that I'd been right. He did still have feelings for me. But now, in the blink of an eye, that rapport was gone. Seeing me walk toward them, Dimitri's face grew cold and guarded again.
Rose, said Lissa through the bond. Go away now. Leave him alone.
"Dimitri, I have to talk with you," I said, both answering her aloud and addressing him. "You owe me- I just furthered your case."
"We were doing fine without you," said Dimitri stiffly.
"Oh yeah?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "You seemed pretty grateful a couple minutes ago."
Dimitri turned to Lissa. His voice was low, but it carried to me. "I don't want to see her."
"You have to!" I exclaimed. A few of the departing people paused to see what the racket was about. "You can't ignore me. Dimitri, please, this is important." I tried getting in front of him to keep him from walking away, but he evaded my block just as easily.
"Make her go away," Dimitri growled.
"I'm not-" Lissa interrupted me.
ROSE! Lissa shouted in my head, shutting me up, I turned to look at her with disbelief. Those piercing jade eyes stared me down they showed no mercy. Do you want to help him or not? Standing here and yelling at him is going to make him even more upset! Is that what you want? Do you want people to see that? See him get mad and yell back at you just so you don't feel invisible? They need to see him calm. They need to see him . . . normal. It's true-you did just help. But if you don't walk away right now, you could ruin everything. I stared at them both aghast, my heart pounding.
Her words had all been in my mind, but Lissa might as well have strode up to me and chewed me out aloud. My heart beat shot up even more. I wanted to cry and scream at both of them, but the truth of her words penetrated through my anger. Starting a scene would not help Dimitri and it wouldn't help me. It wouldn't change anything. It would only cause more issues for all of us.
Was it fair that they were sending me away? Was it fair that the two of them were teaming up and ignoring what I'd just done? No. But I wasn't going to let my hurt pride screw up what I'd just achieved for Dimitri. People had to accept him.
I let my eyes trace over Dimitri once more. I had to memorize this moment. Then I stormed away. Lissa's feelings immediately changed to sympathy through the bond, but I blocked them out. I didn't want to hear it. I didn't need her. I didn't need either of them.
I'd barely cleared the church's grounds when I ran into Daniella Ivashkov. Sweat was starting to smudge her beautifully applied makeup, making me think she'd been out here for a while watching the Dimitri spectacle too. She appeared to have a couple friends with her, but they kept their distance and chatted amongst themselves when she stopped in front of me. Swallowing my anger, I reminded myself she'd done nothing to piss me off. I forced a smile.
"Hi, Lady Ivashkov."
"Daniella," she said kindly. "No titles."
"Sorry. It's still a weird thing." She nodded toward where Dimitri and Lissa were departing with his guards. "I saw you there, just now. You helped his case, I think. Poor Reece was pretty flustered."
I recalled that Reece was related to her. "Oh . . . I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"
"Don't apologize. Reece is my uncle, but in this case, I believe in what Vasilisa and Mr. Belikov are saying." Despite how angry and hurt Dimitri had just made me, my gut instinct resented the dropping of his "guardian" title. Yet I could forgive her, considering her attitude.
"You . . . you believe Lissa healed him? That Strigoi can be restored?" I was realizing there were lots of people who believed. The crowd had just demonstrated as much, and Lissa was still building her following of devotees. Somehow, my line of thinking always tended to assume all royals were against me. Daniella's smile turned wry.
"My own son is a spirit user. Since accepting that, I've had to accept a lot of other things I didn't believe were possible."
"I suppose you would," I admitted. Beyond her, I noticed a Moroi man standing near some trees. His eyes occasionally fell on us, and I could have sworn I'd seen him before. Daniella's next words turned my attention back to her. "Speaking of Adrian . . . do you happen to know where I could find him?
When I found Adrian he was more than a little upset with me."That's not the point, Rose. The point is that you managed to make time for that-and a visit to his cell, if what I heard is true. Yet, you couldn't bother showing up at something you said you'd do with me-or even send a message. That was all you had to do: say you couldn't go. I waited over an hour for you at my parents' house before giving up." I started to say he could have tried to contact me, but honestly, why should he have? It wasn't his responsibility. I was the one who'd told Daniella I'd meet him there. It was my fault for not showing up.
"Adrian, I'm sorry." I clasped his hand, but he didn't squeeze back. "Really, I meant to, but-"
"No," he interrupted again. "Ever since Dimitri came back . . . no, scratch that. Ever since you became obsessed with changing him, you've been torn over me. No matter what's happened between us, you've never really given yourself over to our relationship. I wanted to believe what you told me. I thought you were ready . . . but you weren't."
Protests rose to my lips, but once more, I stopped them. He was right. I'd said I'd give dating him a fair shot. I'd even sunk into the comfortable role of his girlfriend, yet the whole time . . . the whole time, part of me had been consumed with Dimitri. I'd known it too but had kept living split lives.
A weird flashback to my time with Mason popped into my head. I'd led the same double life with him, and he'd died for it. I was a mess. I didn't know my own heart.
"I'm sorry," I said again. "I really do... Adrian I have to tell you something. I need you." Even to me, the words sounded so lame. Adrian gave me a knowing smile.
"I don't believe that. Neither do you." He stood up and ran his hand over his hair, not that it did any good. "If you really want to be with me, then you've got to mean it this time."
I hated seeing him so grim. I especially hated being the reason. I followed him to the door. "Adrian, wait."
"Not now, little dhampir. I need some sleep. I just can't handle playing this game right now."
"Adrian, I'm pregnant." The words fell out for the first time as did the sob to accompany it. Suddenly, Adrian was there. He was holding me. Brushing my hair away from my wet face and holding me against him. He promised everything would be okay... But he didn't know everything yet.
Adrian brought me into his room and let me sit on his bed next to him. I told him everything. About finding Dimitri- or rather Dimitri finding me. I told him of being held hostage, of loving Dimitri even as a Strigoi...
And when Adrian asked me what I wanted, I knew what I had to do. And Adrian made me an offer I couldn't refuse. "We'll go away together then." He promised. "We'll keep this a secret. We'll keep you and... the baby safe. With the way they're treating Belikov... Rose, what would they do if..."
They found out I was pregnant with a half strigoi baby, I didn't know, but it scared me to even think about it. "We'll say it's mine... How far along are you?"
"Two months." I whispered swatting a tear away. Adrian knelt down in front of me and took my face in his hands.
"Rose. Everything will be okay. I swear to you." And I believed him. "Go pack. We'll leave as soon as you're ready." I nodded and started off to my room.
I sprinted off toward the church, going in the opposite direction of my building. The doors were shut when I reached my destination, but a few other latecomers were trying to quietly slip in. I entered with them, pausing to get my bearings. Clouds of incense hung in the air, and my eyes took a moment to adjust from sunlight to candlelight. Since this church dwarfed St. Vladimir's chapel, it was packed with a lot more people than I was used to seeing at mass. Most of the seats were full.
But not all of them.
My hunch had been right. Dimitri sat in one of the back pews. A few guardians sat near him, of course, but that was it. Even in a crowded church, no one else had joined him on the bench. Reece had asked Dimitri if he'd step inside the church yesterday, and Dimitri had gone one step further, saying he'd even go to Sunday services.
The priest had already begun to speak, so I moved down Dimitri's pew as quietly as I could. Silence didn't matter, though, because I still attracted a fair amount of attention from nearby people who were astonished to see me sitting next to the Strigoi-turned-dhampir. Eyes stared and several hushed conversations broke out.
The guardians had left some space near Dimitri, and when I sat beside him, the look on his face showed he was both surprised and not surprised by this.
"Don't," he said in a hushed voice. "Don't start-not in here."
"Wouldn't dream of it, comrade," I murmured back. "Just came for the good of my soul, that's all." He didn't need to say a word to convey to me that he doubted I was here for any holy reasons. I stayed quiet throughout the service, though.
Even I respected some boundaries. After several minutes, the tension in Dimitri's body eased a little. He'd grown wary when I joined him but must have eventually decided I'd be on good behavior. His attention shifted off of me and focused on the singing and the praying, and I did my best to watch him without being obvious.
Dimitri used to go to the school's chapel because it brought him peace. He had always said that even though the killing he did destroyed evil in the world, he still felt the need to come think about his life and seek forgiveness for his sins. Seeing him now, I realized that was truer than ever.
His expression was exquisite. I was so used to seeing him hide emotions that it was a bit startling for him to suddenly have a host of them on his face. He was absorbed in the priest's words, his gorgeous face completely focused. And I realized he was taking everything the priest was saying about sin personally. Dimitri was replaying all the awful things he'd done as a Strigoi. From the despair on his face, you'd think that Dimitri himself was responsible for all the sins of the world the priest spoke of.
For a moment, I thought I saw hope on Dimitri's face too, just a spark of it mixed in with his guilt and sorrow. No, I realized. Not hope. Hope implies that you think you have a chance at something. What I saw in Dimitri was longing. Wistfulness. Dimitri wished that by being here in this holy place and listening to the messages conveyed, he might find redemption for what he had done. Yet . . . at the same time, it was clear he didn't believe that was possible. He wanted it but could never have it as far as he was concerned.
Seeing that in him hurt me. I didn't know how to react to that kind of bleak attitude. He thought there was no hope for him. Me? I couldn't imagine a world without hope.
I also never would have imagined I'd quote back a church lesson, but when the rest of the crowd stood up to take communion, I found myself saying to Dimitri: "Don't you think that if God can supposedly forgive you, it's kind of egotistical for you not to forgive yourself?"
"How long have you been waiting to use that line on me?" he asked.
"Actually, it just came to me. Pretty good, huh? I bet you thought I wasn't paying attention."
"You weren't. You never do. You were watching me." Interesting. To know that I was watching him, would Dimitri have had to have watched me watching him? It boggled the mind. "You didn't answer my question."
He kept his eyes on the communion line while composing his answer. "It's irrelevant. I don't have to forgive myself even if God does. And I'm not sure He would."
"That priest just said God would. He said God forgives everything. Are you calling the priest a liar? That's pretty sacrilegious."
Dimitri groaned. I never thought I'd take joy in tormenting him, but the frustrated look on his face wasn't because of his personal grief. It was because of me being impertinent. I'd seen this expression a hundred times on him, and the familiarity of it warmed me, as crazy as that sounds.
"Rose, you're the one being sacrilegious. You're twisting these people's faith for your own purposes. You've never believed in any of this. You still don't."
"I believe that the dead can come back to life," I said honestly. "The proof is sitting right next to me." And inside of me, "If that's true, then I think you forgiving yourself isn't that much more of a leap."
His gaze hardened, and if he was praying for anything right then, it was that the communion process would speed up so that he could get out of here and away from me. We both knew he had to wait this church service out. If he ran out, it would make him look Strigoi.
"You don't know what you're talking about," he said.
"Don't I?" I hissed, leaning closer. I did it to drive home my point, but all it did (for me, at least) was give me a better view of the way the candlelight shone on his hair and how long and lean his body was. Someone had apparently decided he could be trusted to shave, and his face was smooth, showing its wonderful, perfect lines. "I know exactly what I'm talking about," I continued, trying to ignore how his presence affected me. "I know that you've been through a lot. I know that you did terrible things-I saw them. But it's in the past. It was beyond your control. It's not like you're going to do it again."
A strange, haunted look crossed his face. "How do you know? Maybe the monster didn't leave. Maybe there's still something Strigoi lurking in me." I flinched and without thinking my hand went to my stomach a bit of doubt shot through me, but then I shoved it away.
"Then you need to defeat it by moving on with your life! And not just through your chivalrous pledge to protect Lissa. You need to live again. You need to open yourself up to people who love you. No Strigoi would do that. That's how you'll save yourself."
"I can't have people loving me," he growled. "I'm incapable of loving anyone in return."
"Maybe you should try instead of just feeling sorry for yourself!"
"It's not that easy."
"Da-" I just barely stopped myself from swearing in a church. "Nothing we've ever done has been easy! Our life before-before the attack wasn't easy, and we made it through that! We can make it through this too. We can make it through anything together. It doesn't matter if you put your faith in this place. I don't care. What matters is that you put your faith in us." I was silently pleading for him to hear what I was saying. To hear what I was asking for.
"There is no us. I've already told you that."
"And you know I'm not a very good listener." I argued back. There was an us. It was inside of me. It was living proof. There would always be an us.
We were keeping our voices low, but I think our body language clearly indicated an argument. The other churchgoers were too distracted to notice, but Dimitri's guardians were regarding us carefully. Again, I reminded myself about what Lissa and Mikhail had both said. Getting Dimitri angry in public was not going to do him any favors. The problem was, I had yet to say anything that didn't make him angry.
"I wish you hadn't come here," he said at last. "It's really better for us to stay apart."
"That's funny because I could have sworn you once said we were meant to be together."
"I want you to stay away from me," he said, ignoring my comment. "I don't want you to keep trying to bring back feelings that are gone. That's the past. None of that's going to happen again. Not ever. It's better for us if we act like strangers. It's better for you."
The loving, compassionate feelings he had stirred within me heated up-to fury. "If you're going to tell me what I can or can't do," I growled in as low a tone as I could manage, "then at least have the courage to say it to my face!"
He spun around so quickly that he might have indeed still been Strigoi. His face was filled with . . . what? Not that earlier depression. Not rage either, though there was a bit of anger. There was more, though . . . a mingling of desperation, frustration, and maybe even fear. Underscoring all of it was pain, like he suffered from terrible, exquisite agony.
"I don't want you here," he said, eyes blazing. The words hurt, but something about it all thrilled me, just as his earlier agitation at my flippant comments had. This wasn't the cold and calculating Strigoi. This wasn't the defeated man in the cell. This was my old instructor, my lover, who attacked everything in life with intensity and passion. "How many times do I have to tell you that? You need to stay away from me."
"But you aren't going to hurt me. I know that."
"I've already hurt you. Why can't you understand that? How many times do I have to say it?"
"You told me . . . you told me before you left that you loved me." My voice trembled. "How can you let that go?"
"Because it's too late! And it's easier than being reminded of what I did to you!" His control snapped, his voice echoing through the back of the church. The priest and those still taking communion didn't notice, but we'd definitely gotten the attention of those in the back half of the church. A few of the guardians stiffened, and again, I had to repeat the warning to myself.
No matter how furious I was at Dimitri, no matter how betrayed I felt that he'd turned away from me . . . I could not risk others thinking he was dangerous. Dimitri hardly looked like he was going to snap someone's neck, but he was clearly upset, and one might confuse his frustration and pain for something more sinister.
I turned from him, trying to calm my churning emotions. When I looked back, our eyes locked, power and electricity burning between us.
Dimitri could ignore it all he wanted, but that connection-that deep calling of our souls-was still in there. I wanted to touch him, not just with this brushing of my leg but with everything. I wanted to wrap him in my arms and hold him against me, reassuring him that we could do anything together.
Without even realizing it, I reached toward him, needing that touch. He sprang up like I was a snake, and all of his guardians shot forward, braced for what he might do.
But he did nothing. Nothing except stare at me with a look that made my blood run cold. Like I was something strange and bad. "Rose. Please stop. Please stay away." He was working hard to stay calm.
I shot up, now as angry and frustrated as him. I had a feeling if I stayed, we'd both snap. In an undertone, I murmured, "This isn't over. I can't give up on you. I never have."
"I've given up on you," he said back, voice also soft. "Love fades. Mine has."
I stared at him in disbelief. All this time, he'd never phrased it like that. His protests had always been about some greater good, about the remorse he felt over being a monster or how it had scarred him from love.
I've given up on you. Love fades. Mine has.
I backed up, the sting of those words hitting me as hard as if he'd slapped me. Something shifted in his features, like maybe he knew how much he'd hurt me. I didn't stick around to see. Instead, I pushed my way out of the aisle and ran out the doors in the back, afraid that if I stayed any longer, everyone in the church would see me cry.
Over and over, Dimitri's words played in my head: Love fades. Mine has.
That was something else altogether. It meant that what we had would die, going pale until it crumbled and drifted away like dried up leaves in the wind. The thought of it caused a pain in my chest and stomach, and I curled up on my bed, wrapping my arms around myself as though that might lessen the hurt. I couldn't accept what he had said. I couldn't accept that somehow, after his ordeal, his love for me had gone away.
I wanted to stay in my room for the rest of the day, curled up in the darkness of my covers. I forgot about everything. I even let go of Lissa herself. She had a few errands today, but every so often, a message would flit to me through the bond: Come join me?
When I didn't contact her, she began to grow worried. I was suddenly afraid that she-or someone else-might come seeking me in my room. I jumped up and began packing my things as I should have been doing before.
"Rose, I don't understand." Lissa cried as I threw my things into a bag. I had already figured out my lie and Adrian was in.
"Lissa, Dimitri doesn't want to see me. You told me to stay away from him."
"That doesn't mean that I want you to leave!" She yelled, then I heard the desperation, "Rose, just give me some time- Give him some time. I'm sure he doesn't mean it- won't mean it. He's just confused! Rose, please, don't leave me." Her voice shook and I bit my lip and pushed back the hurt before turning to face Lissa's big green eyes.
I hugged her close and whispered, "I'll call you." Then for the second time, I left St. Vladimir's and wasn't sure if I'd be back.
Adrian was waiting by the gate doors with a black Volvo XC60. He came to me and lifted my suitcase from my hold and loaded it into the car. I turned to take one more look at where I'd been.
"Rose? Are you ready?" Adrian asked.
"Yeah. Let's go." Adrian helped me into the car and we pulled away from the school. I sighed and leaned back in the seat. Looking over I studied Adrian's face then without an ounce of hesitancy I grabbed his hand and intertwined our fingers. He looked over at my a bit shocked, but then smiled and brought our interlocked fingers to his lips.
"I'm in love with you." He whispered, "Did you know that, little dhampir?"
My throat tightened and I wondered if the hormones had already started kicking in, I swear I never cried this much. "I know." I whispered back. I closed my eyes and prayed- hoping someone was there to listen as I did so- to be able to love him back.
Adrian and I stopped off at a motel. Nothing too expensive. Adrian got us a room and we went in together. There was one bed and a sofa by the window. We sat on the bed and Adrian turned on the television. I sat beside him, quietly thinking.
Adrian yawned and started to rise, and I pulled him back. "Adrian, wait . . . I . . ." I swallowed. "I wanted to apologize. The way I've been treating you, what I've been doing . . . it wasn't fair to you. I'm sorry."
He looked away from me, eyes focused on the ground. "You can't help the way you feel."
"The thing is . . . I don't know how I feel. And that sounds stupid, but it's the truth. I care about Dimitri. I was stupid to think I'd be unaffected by him being back. But I realize now . . ." Love fades. Mine has. "I realize now that it's over with him. I'm not saying that's easy to get past. It'll take a while, and I'd be lying to both of us if I said it wouldn't."
"That makes sense," Adrian said.
"It does?"
He glanced at me, a flicker of amusement in his eyes. "Yes, little dhampir. Sometimes you make sense. Go on."
"I . . . well, like I said . . . I've got to heal from him. But I do care about you. . . . I think I even love you a little." That got a small smile. "I want to try. I really do. I like having you in my life, but I may have jumped into things too soon before. You don't have any reason to want me after the way I've dragged you around, but if you want to get together again, then I want to."
He studied me for a long time, and my breath caught. I'd meant what I said: He had every right to end things with us . . . and yet, the thought that he might terrified me.
At last, he pulled me against him and lay back against the bed. "Rose, I have all sorts of reasons to want you. I haven't been able to stay away from you since I saw you at the ski lodge."
I shifted closer to Adrian on the bed and pressed my head against his chest. "We can make this work. I know we can. If I screw up again, you can leave."
"If only it were that easy," he laughed. "You forget: I have an addictive personality. I'm addicted to you. Somehow I think you could do all sorts of bad things to me, and I'd still come back to you. Just keep things honest, okay? Tell me what you're feeling. If you're feeling something for Dimitri that's confusing you, tell me. We'll work it out."
I wanted to tell him that-regardless of my feelings-he had nothing to worry about with Dimitri because Dimitri had rejected me a number of times now. I could chase after Dimitri all I wanted, and it wouldn't do any good.
Love fades. Those words still stung, and I couldn't bear to give voice to that pain. But as Adrian held me and I thought about how understanding he was about all of this, some wounded part of me acknowledged that the opposite was true as well: Love grows. I would try with him. I really would.
I sighed. "You're not supposed to be this wise. You're supposed to be shallow and unreasonable and . . . and . . ."
He pressed a kiss to my forehead. "And?"
"Mmm . . . ridiculous."
"Ridiculous I can manage. And the others . . . but only on special occasions." We were wrapped close together now, and I tilted my head to study him, the high cheekbones and artfully messy hair that made him so gorgeous. I remembered his mother's words, that regardless of what we wanted, he and I would eventually have to part ways. Maybe this was how my life was going to be. I'd always lose the men I loved.
I pulled him hard against me, kissing his mouth with a force that caught even him by surprise. If I had learned anything about life and love, it was that they were tenuous things that could end at any moment. Caution was essential-but not at the cost of wasting your life. I decided I wasn't going to waste it now.
My hands were already tugging at Adrian's shirt before that thought was fully formed. He didn't question it or hesitate in taking my clothes off in return. He might have moments of profoundness and understanding, but he was still . . . well, Adrian. Adrian lived his life in the now, doing the things he wanted without much second-guessing. And he had wanted me for a very long time.
He was also very good at this sort of thing, which was why my clothes came off faster than his. His lips were hot and eager against my throat, but he was careful to never once let his fangs brush my skin. I was a little less gentle, surprising myself when I dug my nails into the bare skin of his back.
His lips moved lower, tracing the line of my collarbone while he deftly took off my bra one-handed. I was a little astonished at my body's reaction as we both fought to get the other's jeans off first. I'd convinced myself that I'd never want sex again after Dimitri, but right now? Oh, I wanted it. Maybe it was some psychological reaction to Dimitri's rejection. Maybe it was an impulse to live for the moment. Maybe it was love for Adrian. Or maybe it was just lust.
Whatever it was, it made me powerless beneath his hands and mouth, which seemed intent on exploring every part of me. The only time he paused was when all my clothes were finally off and I lay there naked with him. He was almost naked too, but I hadn't quite gotten to his boxers yet. (They were silk because, honestly, what else would Adrian wear?). He cupped my face in his hands, his eyes filled with intensity and desire-and a bit of wonder.
"What are you, Rose Hathaway? Are you real? You're a dream within a dream. I'm afraid touching you will make me wake up. You'll disappear." I recognized a little of the poetic trance he sometimes fell into, the spells that made me wonder if he was catching a little of the spirit-induced madness.
"Touch me and find out," I said, drawing him to me. He didn't hesitate again. The last of his clothes came off, and my whole body heated at the feel of his skin and the way his hands slid over me.
My physical needs were rapidly trampling over any logic and reason. There was no thought, just us, and the fierce urgency bringing us together. I was all burning need and desire and sensation and- "Oh, shit."
It came out as kind of a mumble since we'd been kissing, our lips eagerly seeking out the other's. With guardian reflexes, I barely managed to shift away, just as our hips started to come together. Losing the feel of him was shocking to me, more so for him. He was stunned, simply staring in astonishment as I wriggled further from him and finally managed a sitting position on the bed.
"What . . . what's wrong? Did you change your mind?"
"We need protection first," He said. "I don't have any condoms..."
"We don't need it." I said, smiling a little.
He processed this for a few seconds and then sighed. "Rose..." That was a fair point.
"Adrian, I'm already pregnant, remember?" I suddenly had a startling, vivid image of Dimitri's sister Karolina. I'd met her in Siberia, and she'd had a baby that was about six months old. The baby was adorable, as babies often are, but by God, she had been so much work. Karolina had a waitressing job, and as soon as she was home from that, her attention went to the baby. When she was at work, Dimitri's mother took care of the baby. And the baby always needed something: food, changing, rescue from choking on a small object.
His sister Sonya had been on the verge of having a baby too, and with the way I'd left things with his youngest sister, Viktoria, I wouldn't be surprised to find she was pregnant before long. Huge life changes made from small, careless actions.
So I had been so confident that I hadn't wanted a baby in my life right now, not this young. With Dimitri, it hadn't been a concern, thanks to dhampir infertility- I just forgot to think about Strigoi fertility.
With Adrian? Was it an issue? Had he even thought this through? Did he even want a baby? And even more condemning a baby that wasn't his?
"Marry me." He whispered as if hearing where my thoughts had stared at each other. He slid nearer, putting his arm around me and nibbling my earlobe.
I closed my eyes and tipped my head back against him. He wrapped his hands around my hips and stroked my skin. "Are you sure you want that? Aren't you scared?" I asked.
He laughed softly, his mouth kissing the spot just behind my ear. "Yes. But I've just always been someone who's willing to take a risk. You can't tell me you don't want this." his thumb brushed my belly. "To be a family."
I opened my eyes and pulled away so that I could look at him directly. He was right. I did want this. Very, very badly. And the part of me-which was pretty much all of me-that burned with wanting. I wanted to have a family. I wanted my child to have a family. A father.
"Can I think on it? We both should.." I said.
Now Adrian studied me, and at last, he nodded. "Okay. Take your time then. Tonight we'll be . . .mature. We can do this right at least."
"That's all you're going to say?"
He frowned. "What else would I say? You said no."
"But you . . . you could have compelled me. And I didn't say no."
Now he was really astonished. "Do you want me to compel you?"
"No. Of course not. It just occurred to me that . . . well, that you could have." Adrian cupped my face in his hands. "Rose, I cheat at cards and buy liquor for minors. But I would never, ever force you into something you don't want. Certainly not this-"
His words were cut off because I'd pressed myself against him and started kissing him again. Surprise must have kept him from doing anything right away, but soon, he pushed me away with what seemed like great reluctance.
"Little dhampir," he said dryly, "if you want to be mature, this is not a good way to do it."
"We don't have to let this go. And we can wait."
"Rose, you severely misjudge my-" He came screeching to a halt when I tossed my hair out of the way and offered my neck to him. I managed to turn slightly so that I could meet his eyes, but I said nothing. I didn't have to. The invitation was obvious.
"Rose . . ." he said uncertainly-though I could see the longing spring up in his face.
Drinking blood wasn't the same as sex, but it was a yearning all vampires had, and doing it while aroused-so I'd heard-was a mind-blowing experience. It was also taboo and hardly ever done, so people claimed. It was where the definition of blood whore had originated: dhampirs who gave their blood during sex. The idea of dhampirs yielding blood at all was considered disgraceful, but I'd done it before: with Lissa when she needed food and with Dimitri when he'd been Strigoi. And it had been glorious.
He tried again, his voice steadier this time. "Rose, do you know what you're asking?"
"Yes," I said firmly. I gently ran a finger along his lips and then slipped in to touch his fangs. I threw his own words back at him. "You can't tell me you don't want this."
He did want it. In a heartbeat, his mouth was at my neck and his fangs were piercing my skin. I cried out at the sudden pain, a sound that softened to a moan as the endorphins that came with every vampire bite flooded into me. An exquisite bliss consumed me. He pulled me hard against him as he drank, almost onto his lap, pressing my back against his chest. I was distantly aware of his hands all over me again, of his lips upon my throat.
Mostly, all I knew was that I was drowning in pure, ecstatic sweetness. The perfect high. When he pulled away, it was like losing part of myself. Like being incomplete. Confused, needing him back, I reached for him. He gently pushed my hand away, smiling as he licked his lips.
"Careful, little dhampir. I went longer than I should have. You could probably grow wings and fly off right now."
It actually didn't sound like a bad idea. In a few more moments, though, the intense, crazy part of the high faded, and I settled back to myself. I still felt wonderful and dizzy; the endorphins had fed my body's desire. My reasoning slowly came back to me, allowing (kind of) coherent thought to penetrate that happy haze. When Adrian was convinced I was sober enough, he relaxed and lay down on the bed. I joined him a moment later, curling up against his side. He seemed as content as I was.
"That," he mused, "was the best not-sex ever." My only response was a sleepy smile. It was late, and the more I crashed down from the endorphin rush, the drowsier I felt. Some tiny part of me said that even though I'd wanted this and cared about Adrian, the whole act had been wrong. I hadn't done it for the right reasons, instead letting myself get carried away by my own grief and confusion.
The rest of me decided that wasn't true, and the nagging voice soon faded into exhaustion. I fell asleep against Adrian, getting the best night of sleep I'd had in a long time.