F-6-14-12

Words cannot describe how I feel; but they can try. I never seem to know what is real. Can't tell which set of words is a lie. I'm unsure if I can trust anyone ever again; not if everything is going to be a lie.

This time though it feels like I'm the lie. In the flesh; a living breathing lie. The funny thing is that the lie fell for its own tricks. That's just like me.

I cannot help but wonder what other false facts surround me. Is the sky really blue? Are my bedroom walls as purple as they seem? Does 2+2=4? Is reality an illusion? Is the universe a hologram? Is this even my birth name? Is the lie the truth? Is the truth the lie? I don't know.

I do not understand positivity. What is it? Is it another lie? Is it another truth? I do not understand. The world as I know it is cruel and negative. Happy places turned out to be wicked. Friendly people were evil behind the mask. I question people who tell me to be positive. Are you asking me to lie? I'm confused by those who say that I'm in a positive environment. Is someone going to get hurt? There is an unwritten rule that we have to lie to ourselves. I do not understand any of this.

You probably think I am crazy. I'm sure that everyone I know is. That may just be another lie though. Probably cuz it's almost considered normal now. Craziness I feel is something that brings out the best and worst in all of us. All the best people are crazy. So are the worst. To simplify this, there are two kinds of people in this world. The normal and crazy. I fit under crazy without a doubt. It's a permanent side affect to living in this environment. I have though met people who fit under the category called 'normal'. I do not understand them. I feel so alienated around them. What kind of thoughts do they have? What goals do they have? What are they willing to do for it? What are they willing to do to give up? What do they dream of? What do they talk about? What do they wish to create? These and more are questions I have concerning this magic called 'normal'.

Why does everything I say get taken the wrong way? I admit I can be a bitch, but I'm not always trying to hurt everyone. Not always. Often times I don't want to. Despite those good intentions whether its to help or make someone laugh or be the best, in the end someone hates me. It does not seem fair to me.

So many feelings are surging through me as this is being written. Most I do not understand. What is this I'm feeling? It's so strong, so...immature. What right do I have to call others silly if my emotions already are? Thoughts are racing through my mind. There's a queues in my stomach. An ache in that place where my heart should be. Do I even have one? I've heard people call me heartless before. What does that one mean? I do not understand. Nonetheless, this secret hate towards me hurts. It hurts. A lot.

I honestly just want the best, even if I do the worst to get there. That's how crazy I am. I wish for a day when I'd be accepted for all of me. Flaws and all. If you can't handle my worst, you ain't getting my best. I'm a package deal. Why can't people realize that? Reminder: I'm human.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for trying to steal the show. I'm sorry for calling that person silly and immature. I'm sorry for the people I called unprofessional. I'm sorry for calling people weirdoes. And I'm sorry that I'll never get to say these to their faces.

The damage is done. I can't undo it. Cuz there is another unwritten rule I've learned over the years. You can't reverse time. You can't undo your mistakes.. You can't take it back. You can't.