By cerise
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em, I'll put them back where they belong when I'm done playing. Many mumbles about Joss, HIM, WB, Fox, Mutant Enemy and anyone else with a legal claim--not me.
Rating: PG for mild language and sexual references
Spoilers: I Will Remember You, (Angel) Pangs through This Year's Girl
*****
Willow opened the door to her room to see Buffy laying on her bed yet again. She put on an excessively cheerful smile and said, "Hey Buff, what's up?"
Without moving her gaze from the ceiling, Buffy answered, "Oh, it's a thrill a minute around here. I think the bed creaked seven minutes ago. I could hardly contain myself."
Willow grimaced. She dropped her books on her desk and sat down on her own bed. The silence in the room grew as she leaned over and tugged off her shoes. When she was done, she went to Buffy's bed and flopped down next to her. "Scootch over, bed hog."
Buffy moved over, close enough still to touch but not so close as to bring to mind movies from the little alcove behind the curtain in the video store.
"So come on, spill. You've been mopey Buffy monster for days now. You go to class and you patrol, and the rest of the time you're working on wearing a groove in this mattress here."
"But it's a really good groove. Nice groove. Approaching rut-hood."
"Quite an accomplishment. But come on. Let's do something. Rent chick flicks, eat much ice cream... you can do my hair and everything!"
"Oh Will... I dunno. Not tonight."
"OK, that's it."
With that, Willow sat up and grabbed a pillow, and whacked Buffy.
Buffy, stunned, stared at her.
"Oooh, bad thing?" said Willow tentatively. "Teasing the friend, you know, humor to lighten things up?"
"Ahhh. So not in the pillow-fighting, slumber party mode now. I'm sorry."
"OK Buffy. Then, well, OK then. No funnies, no jokeys, just serious. You're sad. Something is eating at you, and it says in my official 'best friend of Buffy handbook' that it's my job to help you. And if you read your 'Best friend of Willow' handbook, you know that it's your job to let me. Even if I just listen... You listened to me about Oz, like, all night, every night. And now I want to help too."
Buffy straightened up. She tucked her hair behind her ear and rearranged herself so her feet were underneath her. Willow turned and sat indian-style on the bed, facing her.
"OK. It's just. Well. OK. You know, the whole, Faith-Riley thing. Right?"
Willow nodded expectantly.
"I mean, I can't hold it against him. He didn't know. It was, ya know, me showing up in his room wanting do the deed, and hey, who can blame him for saying yes? And I don't. Not really. If anything, she took like, total advantage of him. But... ya know, we'd only had that one night together before all the latest craziness. And so now, there's this whole, thing, that well, it doesn't have anything to do with me, because it wasn't me, but it was me, and... whew."
Willow sighed. She moved over next to Buffy and Buffy rested her head lightly against her shoulder, and Willow leaned over to rest her head against her. "Big stuff Buff. It's a lot. It's a thing, it's big, it's a big thing, a hard thing..."
Buffy pulled up and looked at Willow.
"Not that! Not that, that, that kind of a hard thing, I mean, it was difficult, and..."
"I know, Willow. It's just, what can I do? I asked Riley, and he told me what happened. Basically. She showed up, she got a little weird and said a few not nice things about me, about herself, ahh---whatever, and then they had sex. Normal sex, no trapezes or gladiator costumes. She got upset after, he comforted her and then they went to sleep. He says it's like, well, getting over someone cheating, it's better not to go over every single intimate detail because that gives you these mental pictures that just make it harder to forget and I guess he's right but I think it just makes me wonder more and arrgh. I just have to wonder if there's something he's not telling me."
Buffy flopped back on the bed.
"So, there's the problem. And what, what, what, I mean... there's nothing to fix it. Got any memory-erasing spells, Will?" Buffy said with a laugh. If she could just not remember. If she could just not think about it.
Willow raised her eyebrows. Furrowed her brow. "Not to erase your memory... no. But, but, but..."
She jumped off Buffy's bed and started looking under her own. Buffy rolled onto her side, curious to see her roommate on her stomach rooting around furiously. First a shoe came out. A book, a book, another shoe. Slipper, hairbrush, three felt pens. A chicken foot. "I was wondering where that was!" Willow continued hunting and Buffy propped herself up on her elbow and watched. In short order Willow hooted in glee and came out from under the bed, a small book in her hand.
"This is it, this is it, I remember now. There's this spell, it's a memory spell, it's for demon possession."
"Uh Will, not looking to go quite that drastic."
"No no no, no. Not you demon possession, it's after demon possession. Post possession. To show you what you did while the demon was in you, once you got rid of it."
Buffy sat up, suddenly interested. "Would it work? I wasn't possessed, exactly."
"No, but you weren't in possession of your own body, that's key."
Willow traced through the spell, reading quietly to herself. "OK, OK, a Katra is even mentioned here! This could definitely be it. There's like, a story, an actual account, OK, OK, it's not bad. Not hard, not dangerous. It's a dream spell. We do the spell and you fall asleep and you see whatever you missed while you dream."
Buffy stood. All of a sudden, the possibility to lay everything wide open was right there. She could know. She would actually see. She shivered a little and began to pace. "OK, so, sleep. I can sleep, sleep is my friend, I can do that. Are you sure I would really wake up? No weird sleeping for a hundred years things? No picky little clauses that would make me a sleeping, like, zombie thing?"
"Nopey. Nothing. Though... ya know how when you get up in the morning your dreams are like a tangely mess and you forget them by the time you brush your teeth, maybe we should do this with a nap. And just in case, I, I, I will be right there with you, just keeping an eye?"
Buffy thought for a moment. "Color Buffy firmly on the side of the 'keeping an eye' idea. And it'd be better to not wake up, boom, all these memories and by the way, time for class."
"Tomorrow's Saturday. No classes."
"Oh. good. Well, training with Giles though, don't need big distracting issues. He might actually get in a good hit."
Willow grinned and then looked at Buffy expectantly. "So. We'll do it, then?"
Buffy inhaled deeply and met her friend's eyes. "I trust you. Let's do it."
"OK. I'll break out the spices and herbs, candle. Where is my red candle?" Willow said as she began rummaging around the room to assemble the components.
Buffy walked to the sink and splashed water on her face. She looked at her reflection as she wiped her face with the towel. 'So you'll know. You'll know everything. Can you handle it?' She shook her head. What she couldn't handle was the not knowing.
*****
Buffy lay on the floor on a blanket folded to barely extend past her head and feet. Her hands were at her sides, and she was barefoot. There was a circle of fine white powder surrounding her, and she held two small glass dishes in her palms. Willow knelt inside the circle at her side and gave her a reassuring smile.
"Now, you've got the two herbal mixtures, they symbolize the two different occupants of the body. I'll say the spell and lightly sprinkle you with the... other stuff. You'll get sleepy right away, and hopefully as I say the final words, you will fall asleep and dream."
Buffy looked up at Willow. "And you'll be here the whole time, right? No snack runs, you won't leave?"
Willow touched Buffy's forearm gently. "Not a chance. I'm here, and I'll be here 'til you wake up. The account of the spell said that dream time goes faster than real time, but there's no real conversion. Like real days to dream minutes, x equals..."
Buffy broke in. "Will."
Willow apologized. "Sorry! It really will be OK. You just sleep, I'll stay here beside you and read my weekly wacky wicca newsletter from those UC Sunnydale wannabees. Might be good for a chuckle, even a guffaw or two."
Buffy nodded, and Willow began the spell. She touched Buffy's forehead and drew her fingers downward, indicating she was to close her eyes.
Buffy listened as Willow recited.
Spirit of wind, spirit of sky stars and earth below reveal that which passed this soul by what eyes have seen let mind know
Willow continued, repeating the lines, and her voice became more and more faint. The last thing Buffy felt as she drifted off was the feel of light sprinkles of dust on her face.
*****
Swirls of color, sounds... light. Buffy looked back at Faith. Their hands were clasped. Then she watched as Faith was hit *I hit her!* and fell, and lost consciousness.
*****
Willow looked up. Buffy coughed and opened her eyes, startled. "Ohhh. How long was I out?"
"Four hours, Buffy! Way longer than I thought. I mean, I was gettin' worried! Dream time or no, that was a long time. Oh, and oh, are you OK?"
Buffy rolled on her side and pushed herself up to a seated position. "Yeah... just a little, ah..." she stretched. "Weird."
"I want you to tell me everything, everything, but oh, I gotta pee!" Willow scrambled to her feet and ran for the door. She popped her head back inside. "Did it work?"
"Did it work? Yeah. It worked. More than we could have expected."
"I'll be RIGHT back!"
*****
Buffy sat on her bed, Willow on her own.
Willow bounced a little, and said, "OK, spill! You'll remember better that way anyways!"
"It started right when Faith grabbed me with the Katra. I saw her punch me, I mean, me in Faith's body, and then I just saw it all. It was like I was seeing and I could feel everything Faith felt; but I was just a spectator. Mom, and... oh, Faith and my mom, she's just all wants and confusion. Then Giles' house. She didn't know Anya, and she flashed on the night with Xander, whew, Buffy is now in possession of so many very unneeded details on how Xander Became a Man. But now I understand Anya's death grip, I guess. Anyway. And she... oh Will, she had this scary dream, she, like, she stabbed you!"
"Wh-wh-what?"
"When you were talking about... hand grenades? Tres G.I. Jane, Will."
Willow answered, "But she, I mean you, were so nice. You said, 'I'd never let her hurt you.' You were very protective best friendy."
"Like I said, Faith, confusion. Contradiction. She's got the super-economy size package of both. Then, after that, she didn't patrol like she said... the Bronze, and Spike. Oh, ick, Spike!" Buffy flopped down, face-first onto her bed and buried her face into her pillows.
Willow grabbed her own pillow. OOOh. "Did Faith and Spike..."
"No! Oh god no Will. But ew, she... ew ew ew. Let's just say she did her usual slutbomb thing. And the amazing part is, I think she got to him."
Willow's eyes got even bigger and rounder. "No! Spill!"
"She ran into him under the stairs and started talking dirty to him... what did she say? Oh, like 'I could ride you 'til your legs buckled and your eyes rolled up...' And his eyes were like, closing and he was inching his mouth down close while she talked..." Buffy recovered and said, "Worse than your wonky my will be done spell Willow. Free choice time, and may I say again, EW!"
Willow grinned.
"Then you came over, you and... Willow, Tara? You've never said..."
Willow ducked her head. "I know Buffy. I will. But right now, you. Not me. I promise, later."
Buffy stared at her friend for a moment before continuing.
"Faith saved that girl at the Bronze, and it, it, almost scared her. She's like big time professional denial girl though. Whew. She swept that under the rug once you mentioned Riley."
"She went to see him because of something I said? I'm sorry, I'm so so so sorry!"
"No, no... I think she would have anyways. She took a cab to campus and asked around until she found someone who knew him. So she got to Lowell House that way."
Willow looked at Buffy. "And..."
Buffy grimaced and said, "Probably going too get to detaily here, but I gotta process, OK?" At Willow's nod she continued. "She shows up at his door and gets on his lap, she's all ooh la la I am miss sex machine and not my usual repressed self, you want me. She was like, it's hard to explain. Trying to distance him even though she wanted to, you know, do him, by taking control. She wanted Riley to, I guess, make her a thing, so she didn't have to feel."
Buffy looked over and made a small smile at Willow's big eyes.
"Yeah, I know. She's... scary inside, Willow. The whole sex thing. Wow. She was, ah, she was raped, you know. She flashed on it. She was a foster kid, older brother, the whole thing. No one believed her either. So it kept going on..."
The two girls shared a look. Willow said, "That explains, well, a lot. No fair, making me sorry for her."
Buffy nodded in agreement. "I know. But... Riley. He was so sweet. He was like, all gentle and touchy. The other time, you know, with me, with me as me? It was a lot more, urgent and hungry and wild. This was more the sweet slow thing."
Willow nodded. "Sarah McLachlan kind of love."
Buffy nodded and suddenly wiped her eyes angrily. Willow leaned over and tossed her a box of tissues. "Are you OK?"
"Yeah. It just makes me mad. I'm sorry for Faith, yeah, but she stole something from me, from Riley, from... from us. You know, he said I love you that night. First time."
Willow looked at Buffy, trying to gauge her reaction. "Wow."
"Wow, yeah that covers it. That's what he wasn't telling me. And, yeah she has issues, but she hurt him. Riley makes love to her, you know, and it had never been that way for her before, before it was just do it hard, do it and get out, and he said he loved her. Me. Whatever. And she freaked. She's all 'this doesn't mean anything' and it hurt him Will. It really hurt him. Faith was wigging, so he calmed her down and got her back into the bed, but I saw him. She was on her side pretending to sleep and Riley was on his back, just, eyes wide open. He stayed awake a long, long time. Not happy time, either."
Willow let out a long, slow breath. "Whew. So now you know. What, what, like, now?"
Buffy turned to her. "Oh that's not all Willow, that's not nearly all."
*****
"The second dream was of when I went to LA after Thanksgiving, to tell Angel off for being Mr. Stalker man. I saw him for like, five minutes tops. Meet and greet, a little snipe-age, he kills a demon, I go visit Dad. But that's like, the official version."
Willow listened as Buffy told her how Angel had become human, how they had kissed in the sunlight and made love and laughed and been more carefree than they'd ever been able to be. About peanut butter and cookie-dough-fudge-mint-chip ice cream and Mohra demons and sleeping in warm arms reassured by the faint sound of a heartbeat. About the Oracles and mingled tears... and then nothing.
Willow's face was wet with tears when Buffy finished speaking. "But no, no, no, that's just no fair."
Buffy moved over to her and Willow folded her into a hug. "No, it's not. And at first, even in my dream, I was all, 'there he goes making decisions for me again', and I was so mad. But he wasn't. It affected me, yeah, but he made his decision for himself. He didn't want to risk me, or him, or what we're supposed to do. I don't think he'll ever stop feeling like he's got a lot to make up for. And maybe he shouldn't, I dunno."
Willow sighed. "I don't know what to say, Buffy."
Buffy straightened and separated from Willow. "Me neither. Except," and she touched Willow's hand as she continued, "Thank you. I thought it would maybe help me get over this Faith thing, but well, it was a lot more than just that."
Willow replied, "I'm glad, Buffy. It isn't what we expected, but it was a good thing."
Buffy smiled and nodded. "Gonna go shower and then hit the hay. Tired Buffy. Long day."
Willow grinned and said, "I'll sweep up."
*****
Long after gentle rhythmic breathing told Buffy that her roommate was asleep, Buffy lay awake, thinking over everything she had seen and learned. And as the sun came up, she rose with it and dressed as quietly as she could. Willow woke up for a moment and said, "Buffy? whatcha... you OK?" Buffy whispered back, "I'm fine Willow. Just gonna go out for a while." Willow whispered back, just about to fall back asleep, "Where to?" Buffy turned back from the door and started to answer, but said nothing when she saw that Willow's eyes were already closed and she was emitting what could only be called a snore. Buffy smiled to herself, closed the door behind her and headed out.
Continued in Part 2