Illya paid for his lunch and then picked up his tray and followed his partner and fellow agents Mark and April to a table for four that was a little away from the rest of the Commissary patrons. He felt the skin on the back of his neck tingling and knew that he was being watched by several of the women on the other side of the room. He sat with his back to them and announced to his lunch mates, "They are doing it, again. Those women are staring, smiling and laughing at me. I do not understand why; this has been going on for the last week."
Napoleon took a bite of his hero and glanced over the Russian's shoulder as he chewed. He took a long draw on his milk and said, "They're definitely staring and smiling, Tovarisch, but I doubt seriously that they are laughing at you."
Mark salted his French fries and reached for the catsup. "I believe April knows something about this, don't you, Love?" All three men turned to look at April who sat calmly eating her Waldorf salad.
After a few seconds, she returned their gaze with an expression that said butter wouldn't melt in her mouth and said, "What?"
"April," Mark cajoled, "tell Illya what you told me the other day. He has a right to know, I think."
The Russian looked at her with such a sweet and curious face that she melted. "Oh, alright. Illya Darling, apparently someone in Human Resources came across a really, really, really sexy head shot in your personnel file and made a copy for herself that she mounted on the inside of her locker. Well, word spread and other women wanted a copy so now…there are quite a few copies in the women's locker room. The last count I heard was twenty – eight."
Illya was speechless. Napoleon was astounded. "You've seen this picture?"
"Yes, Darling. Of course, I don't have one, but I don't need one, do I? I get to sit next to you all the time."
"April, do this for me, please. Go tell those women that if they don't hand those pictures over to you right now, I am going to report them all to Lisa Rogers and then she and I will personally search each locker to confiscate what was held back."
"Darling, are you sure? Your partner is sitting there green with envy that no one has his picture on her locker door or sings songs of praise about him."
The pink tinge on Illya's face deepened noticeably. "Songs of praise?" he gasped. "What are you talking about?"
April leaned in conspiratorially and replied, "I've heard one. It goes like this:
We love you, Illya
Oh, yes, we do!
We love you, Illya
And we'll be true.
When you're away from us, we're blue!
Oh, Illya, we love you!"
Mark and Napoleon burst out laughing so hard, tears started coursing down their cheeks. The cafeteria ground to a shocked standstill to watch the CEA and one of his top agents indulge in genuine belly laughs until Illya's death glare started things moving again.
"Stop laughing at me, you hyenas!" the blond hissed, causing them to laugh harder still. Eventually, a twitch appeared at the corner of his mouth and he found himself fighting a smile. He covered his mouth with one hand, but his eyes showed his amusement. "April, as flattering as this all is, please go get my pictures away from the secretarial staff."
"Right away, Darling. If you will excuse me, I will meet you in your office in two hours."
Exactly two hours later, April walked into the office Napoleon and Illya shared and placed a large brown envelope in front of the Russian. Illya smiled and wordlessly pulled the photographs out and counted them. "April, I thought you said there were twenty – eight copies; there are only twenty – seven here."
"Oh, Darling, I had to get something out of this deal," she said smiling. "Don't worry; it is in a place of honor."
Mark entered his and April's office and put the cup of coffee he bought her on her desk. He turned around and saw what she had framed and hung over the file cabinets. I should have known.