Disclaimer: I'm not even in the same hemisphere as Japan, so I'm not the show creator.

AN: What the heck is this? A bunch of random one shots, centered around Hichigo – and if I'm struck by something, the captains/Espada/whomever. Possibly some drabbles. (As usual) I'll refrain from getting too offensive, I don't curse on the internet – (some people have strict parents).

-I-

-Too Old For This-

Yamamoto was not Santa Claus. Despite having a long white beard, children were not welcome to sit on his lap, and tell him all about what they wanted from life. Since just about everyone within the Soul Society was younger than him – he was about ancient – they were all technically kids. And they all technically wanted him to give them whatever they wanted.

Take Rangiku Masumoto for example. Just earlier today, she'd stopped by his office, wanting advice, because after hearing her talk for about ten seconds, her captain had promptly thrown her outside, swearing that if he heard 'smile', 'closed eyes', or 'Gin' one more time, he'd kill someone.

"Captain," Rangiku had sighed, as though she had the weight of the world on her shoulders. She was often moody before she went on a drinking purge, accompanied by the blond lieutenant with the ridiculous hairstyle, and the scar-faced young man who'd seriously tattooed a sixty-nine on his face. That said enough. "How do you tell when you're in love?'

Personally, Yamamoto didn't want to hear about her and her boyfriend, who didn't seem to realize that he was her boyfriend. He was old, and alone, never really knowing how many days he had left. He didn't have a wife to talk to whenever he felt alone, and he didn't have anyone to take on his Sunday walks. When it came to love, he was as sour and resentful as a lemon. Assuming of course, that if lemons were alive that they'd be resentful fruits.

"I don't know," the old man said. "How do you feel looking into his eyes?" It was of course, a trick question, aimed at getting the woman to leave. Thanks to her for bringing up love, he had to sit down and moan about how he had no human companionship, and that his heart was incomplete.

"I don't know…" Rangiku said thoughtfully, her glassy eyes widening. "Captain!" It was as though she'd been struck by lightning. How much sake had she drunk? "He doesn't look me in the eyes! He doesn't look at me at all! He only opens his eyes for Shinso!"

"Well he still finds his way around," Yamamoto was beginning to feel sorry for the woman. After all, something about only opening his tired old eyes for his sword was what Kagami had yelled at him before she walked out thirty years ago. "So he can see you."

"OUCH!" Came a cry from around the corner. "WHAT THE…" There was the pitter-patter of someone smacking a wall as if trying to figure out if it was really there. "My…I thought construction was starting next week?"

"No he can't!" Rangiku cried out, distressed. It may have seemed dramatic, but Yamamoto supposed that if you'd been trying for as many years as she had, such antics were only normal. "He just walked into a wall! I've been trying to seduce him all this time, and he didn't even notice!" She stood up immediately, knocking over Yamamoto's stack of papers. "Thanks, you've been a great help!"

Yamamoto could only groan.

Rangiku stormed out of the office with more energy than before. Though it was against his better judgement, the old man leaned forwards behind his desk and strained his ears to listen in and hear what was going on. Surely, after walking straight into a wall, the captain of Squad Three would've been moving around with his hands outstretched, too stubborn to open his eyes. He couldn't have gone far.

"Gin!" Rangiku snapped – or rather, slurred. "I'm sick of dropping hints, I-"

Yamamoto got up from his desk and quickly made his way to the doorway, just so he could see what had happened. Rangiku was seething in front of the silver-haired man, steam practically shooting out of her ears.

"Yes Rangi?" Gin Ichimaru asked the rock wall he'd slammed into.

Stifiling a smug smirk – it was about time that guy walked into something! – Yamamoto went back to his office, and stared at the stack of paperwork in front of him. Ryouka this, fights between Zaraki and Tousen that, and another abuse complaint from the lieutenant of Squad Two! That time, the man was saying that Soi-Fon had physically abused him, and used a number of slanderous terms against him yet again.

Feeling daunted, Yamamoto had just stuck started to sort through some Ryouka reports, when Shuhei Hisagi poked his head into the office.

"Yes, Hisagi?" Yamamoto all but growled.

"Well, Captain, I hope you don't mind me asking but…" Shuhei took a breath. "Was Masumoto just in here?"

Yamamoto picked up a canteen containing water and fiber supplements, and hurled it at the lieutenant's head. As Shuhei hurried out of there like his life depended on it (which it did), Yamamoto sat back in his chair and sighed.

"I'm getting too old for this."