Only Her
Caroline arrived at the farm, as she switched the engine off she lay her head back against the headrest and allowed her eyes to close. She and a very pregnant Kate had been here only weeks before. Kate loved the moors and the fresh air and the feeling of freedom the visits brought to her.
Kate rolled down the window; "just breathe that Caroline, feel the wind on your face, smell the clean air it's so lovely."
Caroline shook her head and tried to clear the image from her eyes. She got out of the car and lifted the baby capsule out, looking at the tiny, vulnerable human being that was her daughter, lying asleep, causing her to feel the stinging salty tears that came so readily these days.
Gillian came out to meet her and after hugging her tightly, relieved her of the capsule and ushered her inside.
Robbie took Flora and headed out to the farm to give the two women some time together. They sat at either side of the kitchen table, peeling vegetables for the family lunch; something, that under any other circumstances would have been mundane. However, today Gillian was determined to try to take Caroline's mind away from the pain and trauma that was ever present. Just looking at Flora brought it all back; she looked so much like her mother, she was glad Robbie, the ever gentle and reliable, had taken that distraction outside.
"Tell me about when you first met Kate. I don't really know the story; but you know,only if you feel like it."
"Oh, she met me really. She happened to notice that I was struggling with something personal and had the courage to step in to my very private space and offer friendship and support. Not many people do that, I'm such a snotty bitch after all."
Gillian smiled and then looked at the table for a few moments. "So when did you two start, you know, something else?"
"It was after my mum and Alan got lost, that night and the next morning, apart from worrying about them, all I kept thinking was 'Life's too short'; I'd begun to have feelings for her, but I was afraid to let it go anywhere. When I got home the next day, I told John I was seeing someone; he went mental of course; then I went to work for a few hours; I couldn't wait to tell Kate how I felt, I called her in to my office and left her in no doubt that I wanted her."
"Right there in your office? Jesus Caroline."
"I know; snogging like mad, I wanted her so much, I even put my hand inside, you know erm, her bra; all that with my secretary about to walk in with a cup of tea; I didn't care." She stopped as if to savour the memory, a little smile crinkling the edges of her mouth. "I just wanted her to know that I felt that way. You know when you rang me to ask about my mother's knickers, we were at Kate's just about to make love for the first time." "O God, that was bad timing on my part; sorry Caroline."
"Actually it was good; we both had a laugh about it which made us more relaxed." Caroline looked up and began to stare out of the window, her eyes glazed over. It was clear she'd submerged herself once more in the memories of her loving with Kate. Slowly she turned to Gillian; "It was so beautiful, like someone had touched me inside with light and warmth and magic. I'd never felt that before, ever, in my whole life."
"Wow, I'm not sure I ever have. When I looked at you two in the past, I often felt jealous of what I saw."
"Well, it's all academic now..." her voice trailed off.
"I remember you two falling out, well not the actual thing, but how miserable you were. What the hell happened?"
"Oh, mostly me and my dysfunctional family; the bottom line is that Kate was ready to move into a full blown public relationship, start a family and make it all forever. I wasn't. I led her on thinking that it was what I wanted, but it was mostly on my terms. She eventually just had enough I guess and what with the debacle on our weekend away I told you about, she ended it.
We said some terrible things to each other. Things we can never take back. None of us should do that. You never know what life is going to throw at you."
The tears began to fall again and Gillian sat quietly peeling and chopping. Caroline left the table and walked over to the window, she stared out at the rolling hills; she felt Kate's hand in hers as she'd always done when they went for a walk together here. It was painful but comforting.
Eventually the rest of the family arrived and the room buzzed with conversation. Flora was passed from person to person. They were all trying in their own ways to distract Caroline and give her space to escape her weary heart and continuous pain. The accident was a topic that had been 'off limits' for everyone for the last couple of weeks. The afternoon went pleasantly; she was glad of the company but her heart and spirit were not there; she knew where she needed to be.
The next morning, she walked purposefully down the now all too familiar corridors. As she approached Room 106 her heart began its usual flutter; which turned all too quickly to full pounding. She looked in through the window and saw Kate's cousin David; black stubble covered his face, testament to the day and night he had spent watching over her unconscious wife.
"Thanks so much David. It was so kind of you to stay here and give me a break. Any change?"
"No Caroline, I'm sorry. I've been talking to her, reminding her of the days we spent together at our grandparents. We were more like brother and sister actually." His eyes welled up with tears as he spoke. "We have to keep faith Caroline and have hope." He kissed her and left the room.
Caroline leant into the bed and kissed Kate and then began her daily ritual of telling her about Flora. Moments later the intensive care specialist came in to the room and motioned for her to come outside and into his office.
"Please sit down Caroline, we need to talk."
This was an all too familiar picture and conversation; she could feel herself sinking back into the abject fear and pain she had felt when the emergency doctor had asked her to step into his office; her new wife lying battered and probably dying; her new daughter in an incubator after having been ripped from her mother.
"The next forty eight hours will be critical Caroline, we are going to start to withdraw the sedation gradually; we want to try and wake Kate up. Only then will we truly know whether she has the capacity to live and what her quality of life will be like."
She nodded. There was nothing to say. No question she hadn't already asked. No stone that had been left unturned.
"You do understand the enormity of this don't you Caroline? If she can't breathe for herself, we then need to make a serious decision about whether or not to put her back on the ventilator."
A tiny, quiet fragile voice; "Yes, I do, but I can't lose her. She's the only person I and Flora, our daughter, can be fully alive for; only her." The doctor gently stroked her arm and assured her that they would continue to do everything they could.
She sat in the large armchair at the side of her wife's bed; pulling her arms tightly across her stomach as if to provide support for the weight of aching pain and fear that was building inside her body. The medical staff worked quietly with great respect and dignity. She watched every action they performed, carefully studying Kate's face for even the slightest flicker. The minutes turned into hours as she sat and looked, occasionally there would be a slight twitch or tremor, but the nurse would look sympathetically at her and gently shake her head.
Family and friends had offered to be there, to replace her for a couple of hours. Caroline had politely refused. This was life and death. She craved the moment the woman she loved beyond words, would open her eyes and see her. She wanted to be there holding her, if she was to die. Either way it was an intimate moment, so sacred, that was reserved only for the two of them.
As the morning light began to filter into the room, the doctor and two nurses came in. "Caroline, Kate's sedation is lifted to the point where we will try removing the ventilator. Are you ready?"
"Can you just give me five minutes?"
She left and went to the bathroom. She washed her face, combed her hair, and even cleaned her teeth. When Kate woke up, she had to be looking her best. The woman looking back at her in the mirror was pale and drawn; there were never before seen bags under her eyes. She had to at least try and make an effort.
She walked back into the room. Leaning over the bed she stroked Kate's face and kissed her gently and tenderly. She needed to feel her while there was still life in her body. She whispered "I love you with my whole being, forever, no matter what, but we need you; we need you to wake up my darling."
The nurse put her arms around Caroline's shoulder and guided her back to the chair.
The doctor then set about removing the ventilator. There was a reflex choking as the tube was gently pulled out of her seemingly lifeless body. Everyone's eyes remained fastened to the monitor. There was a flat line running across the screen. Caroline let out a piercing scream of agony. She felt in that moment that someone had driven a dagger into her heart.
Then, there was a cough, a small almost imperceptible cough. A heartbeat began to run across the monitor. Relief flooded every cell, every molecule in the room. No one moved. The hot stinging tears poured down Caroline's face; she wasn't sure in that moment what they were for. No one was. Everyone stared and waited. Slowly as the heartbeat continued, shoulders and fists began to unclench; folk started to look at each other, tentatively but hopefully.
Kate continued to breathe. Her vital signs were weak but none the less continuous. Caroline asked what would happen next. "We wait, that's all, just wait."
Standing in the corridor, she pulled her phone out. She could barely find the numbers her hands were shaking so much. She rang her mother and Kate's mother. "I don't know yet if it really is good news, no one does, but she's still breathing." Was all she could manage through the tears and agony; "I have to go now, I need to be there when she wakes up."