It was disgusting.
His own weakness...
It was confusing.
The emotions...
Everything that was inside of him tumbled like a river finally reaching its end, and spilling over the waterfall, only to fall and be stirred into such a froth that it was imposable to tell what was what.
It felt strange...
Romano lay sprawled on his bed, had his face buried in his pillow as if he could hide from the strange feelings that tried to break him down from within.
How could this have happened?
His thoughts were just as hard to decipher, and questions that he couldn't answer kept popping up and confusing him further.
How could this have happened? What made it come to this?
The tears threatened to well up again. Romano found that it was futile to try and push them down and they began to run down his flushed cheeks.
Memories poured down the waterfall that was his mind, and added to the other things all jumbled up in the imaginary pool below...
How did this happen?
Was it one? Two months ago when that woman went off and stole away his life?...
That day.
It was summer. Not terribly hot, but the wind was dry and the sun soaked into the brick houses and baked the tomato vines in the fields.
Romano was coming home from school, staring out the window of the rusty yellow bus. The lumbering, discolored thing gave a lurch and squealed to a halt at his stop.
Romano got off the bus, trying to ignore the perplexed faces staring at him from the windows.
He hated all of them; they made his life so miserable. Bullies, teachers, and especially the girls...
"They can go to hell..." he grumbled.
He didn't want to think about her...what was her name? Amelia... it was like him to forget.
He always tried his hardest to forget his latest dating disaster...
Romano's face fell into its usual frown, he just concentrated on getting home. He was tired, even more so than usual.
The days were longer, homework took forever, and Antonio was never around long enough to so much as say "hello".
Romano had been on autopilot, making his way through the front gate, past the garden, and up to the house.
He tried the door; of course it had to be locked.
"Screw everything..."
Romano searched for the key in the potted plant on the step, inserted it into the lock and walked inside.
"I'm home!" he called out to the house, dumping his bag on the table in the hall.
No one answered him.
Romano searched the kitchen, then the living room.
The only sign Spain had been here was the empty chocolate bowl on the coffee table and the dirty dishes pilled in the sink.
"That slob," Romano muttered, he marched up the stairs toward his bedroom.
With a tiny spark of hope he peeked in Antonio's office, but his hopes were dashed for the room was empty.
Romano's face fell back into a scowl, he strode into his room, kicked off his shoes and flopped onto his bed, looking blankly at the ceiling.
"I know he's not home." he muttered, "The idiot is never home. Why should I look for him when he's not there?"
Romano could never answer his own questions, he just sighed and turned on his computer. Hoping something would distract him from his awkward day at school...
The night had been like any other school night. Romano was alone from the time he got home to the time he went to bed.
The television, his dinner of leftovers from the other night, even his pattern of sleep was so horrendously boring that Romano could almost not stand it.
He was dead asleep by the time the car pulled up, so he didn't here the voices of a man and a woman whisper to one another in the driveway...
Romano woke up to sunlight streaming in his face.
He just groaned, and pulled the blanket over his face, the cover only shielding out so much of the dreaded light.
Romano cursed and sat up when he found he could go back to sleep.
Wiping his messy hair out of his sleepy eyes he looked at the time.
8-o-clock.
He had a little more then an hour before school and having to face a most likely embarrassed Amelia and his ass classmates again.
Romano swung his legs over the bed, yawned, and dressed.
Thinking about the day just made his already bad mood worse. It felt like a cloud of bad luck was hanging over his head, threatening rain and not leaving no matter how much Romano complained.
He buttoned his shirt up wrong, twice. Lost his tie, and broke a shoelace trying to tie it.
It was going to be a bad day.
Romano headed into the hall and down the stairs when he smelled something.
Something cooking.
"Weird," he frowned, "Is Antonio still home? He's usually gone by this hour..."
He rubbed his eyes sleepily and walked down into the kitchen.
Spain was standing by the stove, making omelets or and something with fried tomato's.
He turned when he heard Romano come in, "Good morning Romano!" his cheerful smile made Romano want to throw up, "You're up early."
Romano scowled and sat at the table, "It's a school day you pathetic moron...", he pressed his head into the smooth wood.
"Now, now, Romano," Spain said, "Don't be rude, say hello to our guest."
Guest?
Romano turned to the bar near the stove and saw her.
It was a woman. Of course it was a woman, and a complete stranger.
She had blond hair and dark eyes, wearing an orange skirt and one of Spain's white shirts.
Romano could say she was attractive if he wasn't to busy focusing on what a halfwit Antonio was. It always made Romano mad when Spain brought a girl home.
Jealousy.
That's what Antonio had called it.
Romano completely denied it! He shouted at Spain and throwing his pillow at his face to get him out of the room. He wasn't jealous... He wasn't!
"Hi," she gave a pleasant smile with her straight white teeth, "I'm Isabel, I a coworker of Antonio's,"
"Looks more like you're a one timer to me..." Romano thought, but all he could manage to say was a quiet, "Hi..."
Spain brought plates of egg and fired tomato, setting one in front of each of them.
Romano ate in a gloomy silence, cleared his place, grabbed his bag, and headed for the door.
He wanted to get out of the house before he suffocated.
"Bye," Romano grumbled as he opened the door.
"Have a good day!" Spain waved from the table.
Romano felt his anger flare, then he slammed the door behind him and stormed away.
When Romano was gone Isabel turned to Spain, "Is he okay?" she asked with an eyebrow raised.
"Oh, he'll be fine." Spain said, "He's just a little shy but I think he'll warm up to you."
The next few weeks were strange.
Isabel was at their house a lot, and Romano did his best to avoid her and that tomato-loving idiot as much as possible.
There was rarely a night that Isabel wasn't there, or that Antonio wasn't at her house.
Romano felt uncomfortable with the whole thing; he never knew where they were going to be and had to constantly be ready to leave the room.
If they were in the kitchen, he ate dinner in front of the TV. If they were watching a movie, Romano locked himself in his room and did his homework.
The whole time Spain tried to get Romano to be friendly and hang out with them.
It was a constant battle of avoidance.
And the little black cloud that had begun to loom over Romano's head just got bigger, and darker. And it only added to his constant gloom and mixed anxieties.
Saturday. Romano was in his room playing on the computer. He wasn't really focusing on the game, clicking and pressing keys like a robot, and grabbing another chocolate candy every so often.
Then Spain came in the room, "Hey Romano!"
Romano didn't face him and continued playing, "You're supposed to knock first you ass,"
Spain shrugged and sat down on the bed, "I came to talk to you Romano,"
"Oh?" he reached for another candy.
"Yes," Antonio said, "There's something that is bothering you isn't there?"
"Why don't you go fuck your girl friend or something..." Romano huffed.
"That's not what I meant, I got a letter from you teacher."
There was a silence between them, Romano paused the game and faced Spain, but didn't look up at him, "I don't care what those damn people say," he muttered.
"Your grades are dropping," Antonio stated, "You avoid me and Isabel, I get that, we bother you. And your latest date broke up with you I'm assuming?"
Romano stiffened and turned back to the screen, "And how'd you come to that conclusion Sherlock?"
"Well," Spain stood up, "You're room is a mess, you won't go outside, and you're pigging out on candy like there's no tomorrow."
"Am not!" Romano snapped.
"Piggy!" Spain teased, poking Romano's gut and snatching away the candy dish.
"Hey! You Spanish bastard! Give that back!"
"Really Romano," Spain's face became serious again, "I wanted to know what the trouble is..."
Romano cast his eyes down, "She tried to kiss me..." he mumbled.
"What?" Spain asked.
"I said she tried to kiss me, in public..." Romano ground his teeth.
Why did Antonio always want to talk to him about his social life? It was none of his business!
"So... the kissing bothers you?" Spain gave him a puzzled look.
"Sort of... I don't know! Why do you always have to-" Romano was cut off when Spain leaned forward and planted a kiss on his flustered lips.
He was startled by Antonio's sudden approach, but didn't resist. Romano closed his eyes as Antonio leaned into him, letting his mind go blank.
Then Spain pulled away, his green eyes sparkled, "Does it bother you when I kiss you?"
Romano just sat there, a bit shocked, staring at Spain.
"You..." his voice faltered, "You, you bastard..."
Romano stood up quickly, didn't give Antonio a chance to say another word, and left the room...
He didn't speak to him after that. And Romano let the rift between him and Spain grow wider.
He went outside to hide now, at his secret place, underneath an orange tree in the back of the garden.
Romano thought hard about what had happened, tried to make sense of the strange stirrings he felt inside of him.
They made him feel strange, and always seemed to appear when Spain was around, making him blush.
Then came that day...
Romano knew it was going to be bad, the whole freaking day sucked worse than anything else.
Coming home from school, he noticed Isabel's car was in the drive.
Romano sighed and walked in the front door, not announcing himself in order to avoid confrontation.
But it was no use.
Before Romano could pass the living room and dart up the stairs Spain called him over.
"Romano! Come here please..."
He just sighed, a feeling of mixed anger and annoyance filling his chest.
"What?" Romano grumbled.
"We wanted to tell you something," Spain said, looking to his left at Isabel.
Romano's eyes darted between the two of them with a suspicious look.
Romano's heart skipped a beat when he saw it; it was moment of pure shock left him speechless.
His mouth went dry, Romano's mind began to swirl when he saw it...
The ring on her finger...
No... No it can't be-
Spain's voice broke his thoughts, "Romano, it's just that-"
"NO!" Romano shouted, "This isn't happening! No!"
With tears threatening to follow his outburst, Romano ran up the stairs.
"Romano!" Antonio called after him. He reached his bedroom, and slammed the door shut. He threw himself on his bed and shoved his face into the pillows to stifle his sobs.
The black cloud that had hovered above him for months burst, pouring down a cascade of emotions that overwhelmed him.
Anger, sorrow, panic; and a fierce, burning Jealousy of the woman who was going to marry him.
Him... His Spain... Antonio...
Romano let himself go slack. Trying to slow his breathing.
It was too much.
This would mean he'd loose Antonio. That he may never look at Romano the same way again as he did that night. As he used to when Romano was little, that look of kindness, that look of love...
It would never be his...
There was a sound of a car starting, Romano looked out the window and saw Isabel's car pull out of the driveway and drive away.
"Good riddance bitch..." he grumbled...
Romano was disgusted at himself. He was greedy, yes. So he might have been jealous. And so what!
The anger built up inside him but was stifled by tears once again...
His bedroom door creaked open and Spain peered in. "Romano? Are you oka-"
"Shut up!" Romano snapped at him from underneath his protective shield of pillows, "I hate you! You dirty no good son of bitch!"
Spain sat down on the edge of the bed and put a hand on Romano's shoulder, "Romano, I just wanted to say-"
"To say what?" Romano sat up and glared at him, his face red with tears marks running down his cheeks, "That you were going to get married? That you were going to forget about me?"
A flash of realization flashed in Spain's eyes, "You were jealous of us? No... of her..."
"Shut up!" Romano shoved Spain away, "So what if I was? It doesn't matter now! You're going away with blonde and I'm just-"
Spain grabbed Romano's wrist and pulled him closer, "Romano just shut it and listen to me!" he shouted.
Romano stopped shouting, and looked into Spain's face with a look of hopelessness.
"I'm not getting married." Spain said.
Romano was confused, "What? But- the ring. She had a ring-"
"I didn't give it to her," Antonio turned around to face him, "She's getting married to someone else, we broke up three days ago..."
Romano pulled away from his grasp, "I don't get it? I thought you were in love!"
"I am Romano," Spain's voice became quiet as he leaned Romano back against the headboard, "I'm in love with you."
Romano felt himself blush, and he didn't try to stop him when Spain leaned in and kissed him. Becoming more and more passionate as Romano calmed down.
For one moment, Romano almost understood the strange feelings, he understood what they meant.
When Spain pulled away for a moment Romano whispered, "I love you..."
"I know," Spain smiled, "I know..."