Disclaimer: Mediator and all it's character's belong to Meg Cabot. Don't own the song either :)
Rating: T - Slight warning of implied adult themes.
Summary: AU. Jesse gets drafted to the war, making him have to leave the life he and Suze have built together behind.
A/N: I was trying to think up a story idea a couple of months ago, when suddenly this idea came to mind where Jesse gets drafted. I put it on the back burner, then suddenly decided to write it. Now its 4.45 in the morning, and I should of been asleep hours ago. But this wouldn't leave till I wrote it, so...
Anyway it morphed as usual and went deeper than I intended. But ain't that always the way, lol. BTW, Suze isn't a Mediator, and Jesse was never a ghost. It's purely fluff and angst, hehe. I hope you enjoy :)
Before The Dawn . . .
I stared blankly down at the letter I held in my hand. My eyes reading the words displayed in bold, definite script. My fate and life typed out before me, unemotional and blank. I tried to process the words I was reading, but each time all I could imagine was Susannah's reaction as I tell her. As I explain what they are asking of me. I dread having to speak the words. To see the realization come alive in her eyes. To watch as the dreams and plans we had displayed before us, slowly dwindles and becomes dim. Of our futures now unset and unpredictable.
She would think the worst case scenario. She would fret and worry continuously while I am gone. Watching the news, reading the papers. Sleep would evade her because her mind would be too plagued with nightmares of me, away fighting a war. Of never seeing me again. The happy light I would see shining in her eyes would dull and disappear. Her silky laugh would catch and turn into sobs. Believing she shouldn't cry, because she would think she was weak and giving up. She would go on autopilot until the very day I returned to her awaiting arms.
The place I would gladly fight to return home too.
I promised Susannah happiness and love and a bright glowing future together. Just the two of us, to escape to our own little world we so often found ourselves in. I had promised her a family one day in the distant future. Now I didn't even know if I would be here to grant Susannah her deepest wishes and wants. I have to break all my vows to her. To put our life on hold, maybe indefinitely.
Now I sit here, avoiding the one place I love to return home to each day. The house I rush to feel the warmth and cosy atmosphere of. To hear her humming to an unknown song. To silently watch and observe as she dances around the kitchen, arranging and preparing our evening meal. Her cooking talents haven come far since I had taught her. I swell with pride to see the unseen aura of contentment clinging to her every movement. Fluid and strong in her grace. I love to see her silky hair shine back at me when she flicks it over her shoulder and is caught in the over-head lights.
I grin unabashedly seeing the tint of pink cross her face when she finally notices my presence. Embarrassed at being caught. I let my eyes rove over her lithe frame and let my grin turn into a devilish smirk. The red colour that replaces the pink in her cheeks when she notices my look and thoughts, is all the encouragment I need. I make quick work of crossing the kitchen and taking her into my arms. Replacing the embarrassment with pleasure and desire, seeing her answering look blazing back at me. Her own confidence now in full force, tempting me further.
Sometimes the moment is broken by an interruption of the cooker's timer, or the telephone. But sometimes, dinner is turned off and eaten at a later hour. The moment and passion flaring between us being too strong to ignore. Only the love we share being the most important thing.
I imagine this same routine in my mind, knowing that when I return home tonight - with my letter in my hand - that it won't be like that. There is no playfulness and mischief in my character tonight. The weight of my letter weighs heavy on my mind. Unspoken and haunting. The time of my departure of Susannah is ticking against me. I know I am wasting precious time sitting here on the soft sand with the calm ocean before me that is contradicting my thoughts. I know I should return to Susannah and make the most of the sacred time I have left with her. Unknowing of when I will be able to see her again.
It feels so wrong to sit here without Susannah by my side. To have an empty space where her physical presence is so often felt. I know that will be the hardest part of all. To tear myself away from the one woman who's emotional and physical presence in my life, is like a drug. One I don't ever want to let go of. One I am unwilling, but duty bound to do. I know I will feel as though I am being ripped in half. Because the feeling is already setting in. And I still have two days before I leave.
I have had this letter for three days already, knowing I should have told Susannah before now. But finding the words evading me then just as they are now. I needed to make sure everything was in order first. To make sure - if anything happened - Susannah would be okay. That she would always have everything she has ever wanted or needed.
My job has been informed and dealt with. My family has been alerted and supportive. My only request being they take care of Susannah in my absence, until such a time when I can return to her again. My best friend - Adam - has vowed and promised to be there for Susannah also. Being the support and friend I know Susannah will need, but won't ask for. His own girlfriend - CeeCee - in hand and ready too. They being the ones to push me to finally tell her. And now I have the next two days to spend with Susannah, until the final day. Where I will be drafted back into a war.
I knew if I didn't get home soon, that Susannah would be starting to worry even more. She knows something is plaguing my mind, often asking me what is wrong. I always answer the same. That I'm fine. The familiar suspicion and disbelief I see in her eyes makes me smile and chuckle. I savour those moments and file them away for later times when I will come to need them as importantly as I need air to breath. But I always quieten her protests with the same action. A kiss that is so deep and full of love, she doesn't remember what we speaking of before.
Susannah and I have been through so much together already. We have come through stronger and closer than any couple I have ever met or known. Our love being our main defence and anchor. The same thing that I know will help us get past this obstacle. That, that shall be the one thing pulling me home and keeping me alive.
Taking that thought in mind, I finally pull myself to my feet. Brushing sand off of the seat of my pants. Drawing myself up to my full height and straightening my shoulders. Determined to stay strong and calm in the oncoming emotions I can already feel building and coiling within my chest. Aching and burning to break free from my iron-hard resolve. One I fear will be shattered once I look into her sparkling emerald eyes.
Folding the offending letter - with the crease lines worn and tattered already from so much use already - I place it my pocket of my pants. Unwilling to walk in and thrust it in Susannah's face. Knowing this news is something that can't be dealt unemotionally through a piece of paper. Taking a deep breath I turned away from the serene ocean. Determined to go to the subject of my love and thoughts.
My walk home is quicker than I remembered it being. My heart is hammering in my chest the whole time and my hands shake with nerves that are continuously run through my hair. Disrupting it even further than I already have with the previous actions. Once I fall upon the home I share with Susannah, the sudden feelings of peace fall over me with just taking one look at it. Settling my erratic heartbeat and stopping my nervous habit. I stand looking up at our home. One still so new, with possible memories just hanging in the air, waiting to be made and soaked into the walls. Ones that will span over time and generations I hope.
My feet unwittingly pull me up our stone path, the porch light above our door illuminating the stone steps before me. Letting me climb them freely and lit. A habit I have been doing ever since we first moved in, is replayed as it always is. I cast a glance at the swing at the far end of the porch; looking comfortable and inviting. This one feature being what made me fall in-love with the home before I had even set inside the door. The image of Susannah and myself seated there, wrapped in each others embrace is always so vivid and real. My mind always sifts through the years, our happiness always apparent and infectious.
Looking away from the memories yet to be played, I send a silent pray to whoever is listening, that I return to Susannah and our porch swing waiting for us each and every night. That the action and habit will never be forgotten and will be also be waiting for me. Along with the life we have built together.
My prayer and ritual finished, I tentatively reached forward and grasped the door handle, being as silent as possible as I inch open the door. Not wishing to alert Susannah to my presence in our home just yet. Successfully closing the door quietly behind me, I turn back to the sounds of her familiar humming drifting down the hallway from the kitchen. Her voice and the aroma of our evening meal insulting me at the same time. The pure glow of feeling 'home' makes me swell with pride as it always does.
I'm soon pulled from my musings by the feel of something brushing against my leg. Looking down, I see my beloved pet cat Spike, rubbing and winding himself around my ankles. His purring loud and boisterous. I know I will miss the animal I had found as a stray. His instant love and devotion to me was happily accepted and cherished. His dislike and jealousy of Susannah though, has been something I have never been able to fathom or break. I hope that with my departure, maybe he will take to her at last. That they be a comfort for each other.
With a quick pat to his orange tan head, I silently creep down our hallway and towards our large kitchen. My heart eager to see my love. I have missed her, even though I only saw her this morning. Our time together is short and rapidly dwindling. My heart and mind know this, only causing the torture and sadness to intensify within me.
Upon reaching our kitchen, I leaned up against the door frame, watching as Susannah performed her usual dance around her task. Her steps light and carefree. Happiness radiating through in everything she does. I hate myself for what I am about to say to rob her of this wonderful feeling and movement. Hating to be the one to put the sadness in her eyes, sure to come forth soon.
I want to stand and watch her as I normally would. To sweep in her into my arms, and tell her how much I love her. But I know, the more time I waste, the more painful it is to us both. Realizing this, I step into the kitchen fully. Schooling my features and trying unsuccessfully to keep my turbulent emotions out of my eyes. I clear my voice and make myself known, startling her in mid-step of her choreographed routine.
"Jesse!" Susannah exlaimed, clasping her hand to her chest to try and stop her rapid hearbeart hammering in her chest in shock. She smiles for me instantly, showing all her straight white teeth, expecting my own answering smile. But the one I try to bring forth is tremulous and shaky. Quickly alerting her to my current state of mind. Her own smile falters and her eyes narrow in suspicion again. I silently chide myself for being so reckless already.
"Good evening, querida," I quickly input to the growing silence and atmosphere that is slowly building with expectation. My voice is tainted with emotion, making me cough to try and clear before I continue. "Dinner smells great! What are we - "
"What's going on?" Susannah cuts me off from my weak try at casual conversation. Making me sigh with the loaded and innocent question hanging in the air between us. A distance I desperately wished to eradicate, but I'm stuck in place. Susannah crosses her arms over her chest in defiance, her tone is worried and nervous. Our emotions reflecting each other.
"Jesse," One word she utters to the growing silence I left too long to fill. Her tone is shakier than before and her eyes are darkening with fear.
I took one step forward towards her, my feet managing to become unglued, helping me to take another until I'm standing before her. No kitchen island between us, just empty space. Wanting to at least reassure her slightly, I look her in the eyes. Trying to convey my love and trust I have for her and her I know for me. Trying to relax her slightly. She does minutely, but I can still see her defences up a little.
Finally taking a breath, I break my eye contact with her, my hand itching at my side to pull the letter out and tell her that way, but I know it is the cowardly way out. And Susannah deserves so much more than that. Using this to fuel my strength and resolve that is breaking and crumbling around me, I finally tell her what I have kept hidden for the past three days.
"Susannah. Three days ago, I received a letter. One that I hoped I would never be issued or sent. I have kept it hidden and secret from you, because I wished to get my affairs in order, so I could spend my remaining time with you." Breaking off I lifted my eyes to Susannah's, seeing the tell-tale sign of tears glistening in her green orbs. My own teetering on the edge. I see the alarm in her own at noticing my tears. The emotion I had been so resolutely tamping down, suddenly springs forth. "I'm sorry, querida. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant to break my promises to you. Please believe me, I never wished to cause you pain."
Taking a shaky breath, Susannah matched my intense stare for one of her own. "Jesse, you're scaring me. What's happened? What's going on? Please tell me?" She pleaded dropping her arms to her sides.
Knowing the implications of what was about to happen, I took another step towards Susannah in support. So grateful that she didn't shrink away from my prescence. Holding her hands in my own, I called on my last reserves of strength and finally told Susannah.
"Querida," I breath so quietly. "I've been drafted."
As soon as my words were breathed, I could feel the instant release of the weight of my mind and of keeping that a secret. A secret so large and important, I was terrified to tell her. But the release was quickly replaced by regret, guilt and pain that Susannah and I are both feeling together.
At first, she narrowed her eyes at me, her mind denying my short statement. Shaking her head in refusal of my words, making the tears hanging on the edges of her long eyelashes finally give up the fight and start falling down her rosy cheeks, flushed with emotions. Less than a minute after, she closed her eyes trying anything to block out the echoing words between us. Her mind and her heart unwilling to accept all that my three quietly spoken words entail. Of the realization I knew that would immediately enter her mind. I tighten my hands on her own in silent support.
Finally she spoke, her words choked and thick with tears and emotions, making my own rise to the surface quicker. "When?" She quietly asks me, raising her head to look at me. Her eyes are filled with tears and her arms are shaking in my own. "I . . . I mean, how long?"
I don't ask her to elaborate, because I know. I know what she is asking, but still I want to ignore her question. To embrace the time we have left together instead. To pretend for a short while. But it is as inevitable as the coming departure I have to go on. Looking away from her for a second, I try to collect some semblance of control, losing a battle I know I was never going to win.
"Two days . . ." I speak into the silence. The quiet tone I was aiming for, sounding loud and echoing around us. Bouncing off the walls to come back at us harsher and more cruel.
Instantly Susannah's resolve and defences crumble around her, just as I knew they would. The sob she tried furtively to keep away came first, wrenching her hand out of my own to clasp across her mouth as if it would help. She squeezed her eyes shut against the tears, another helpless attempt at control. Unwilling to stand and watch the woman I love with all my heart and soul, break down before me, I closed the gap between us and took her unresisting body into my arms instantly. There would of been a time, when she would of fought me off. Beating at my chest resolutely to deal with her pain alone. But the years together have helped to soften Susannah. Letting her become more dependent on me physically and emotionally.
Something I have never been so grateful for, until this time right now.
As soon as I touch her and pull her to my chest, Susannah completely let go. Her sobs racking her body so violently I held onto her with all the emotional strength I had. Her knees buckling and giving way, causing us to sink to the tiled kitchen floor. Her body shaking and her tears streaming down her face in a torrent she couldn't of contained if she tried. I pulled her closer still, so she was sitting across my lap, her arms wrapped around my neck and her face buried in my shoulder. Her warm tears trickling down my neck and chest, dampening my shirt. But all of that was inconsequential to me. Only the grief-stricken woman in my arms mattered now.
Seeing no sign in sight of Susannah's tears and sobs slowing, I rested my head atop of hers, occasionally kissing her hair and whispering in to her ear. Telling her how much I loved her, of how sorry I was. Anything to try and soothe and help her. Knowing nothing would, until all of this was over. Until I was beside her for good again. I held her in my lap through the whole of her release, patient and loving. Slowly I could feel her relaxing into my chest, her sobs quieting and subsiding, save for the tears still freely dripping down her cheeks and onto my shirt.
Eventually she pulled her head up to look me in the eyes. Her own red rimmed and bright. Her emotions playing back to me like an open book. Making me want to bite back on my own grief. Knowing this was the time for Susannah, not myself. She reached up to lay a hand on my face, her thumb wiping away the wet trails there. It was only then did I realize I had been crying just as hard as my love in my arms. That my tears had been streaming down my cheeks as hard and fast as Susannah's own. I failed to muster any embarrassment or humiliation for Susannah seeing me like that. My embarrassment had past a long time ago. Knowing I could always trust Susannah with seeing any aspect of my emotional state. Only making me love her even more.
Her eyes shine back at me so full of love and a silent pledge, I can't hold back my own sentiments and grief. Instead turning it around and expressing them in bittersweet actions of how I feel to Susannah. Letting loose a torrent of kisses on her beautiful tear streaked face. Kissing away her tears and her sorrow. Trying to comfort her in any way I can. My kisses eventually finishing upon her mouth. Her soft full lips held beneath mine in a kiss so tender and passionate I found it difficult to tear myself away.
Once I pulled back and saw the love and sultry look in her hooded eyes, I could do nothing to hold back the same emotions in my own blazing and heated stare. Knowing I needed that final level of closeness with Susannah as she evidently needs with me. For me to show Susannah how much I love her, with more than just my words and looks. Needing to articulate to her the love I have and always will for her. That she is what I will be fighting to survive and return too.
Moving from my lap so I can climb to my feet, Susannah looked up at me from her position still seated on the floor. The look she cast me is so full of emotion, affection and sentiment I can do nothing but to quickly pull her to her own feet and straight into my awaiting arms. The kiss we share right there in the middle of the kitchen is fevered and full of yearning for each other. Leaving us breathless and flushed. Releasing her arms away from my neck and her hands from my hair, Susannah pulled away from me, taking hold of my hand to lead me out of the kitchen.
I turn the oven off on the way past, already starting to smell the aroma of burnt food. Leaving everything else as it was when I interrupted Susannah. My mind and heart set only on one person. She lead me away from the kitchen and up our stairs, heading for our bedroom. Her grip on my hand firm and tight, as if afraid that if she lets go, that I would disappear. I grip her own petite hand encased in my own palm in return. Making her look back at me with a grateful smile and shimmering eyes.
Closing our door behind me, I led Susannah over to our wide inviting bed. The room was bathed in a soft glow from the low setting of the bedside lamp and the moonlight filtering through the open window. Making my skin tingle and shiver with anticipation. I looked down into Susannah's eyes, sending her all the love, warmth and affection I possible could. Her own eyes answering in kind to me. This time when I kissed her, it was slow, sensual and full of promise of what was to come. My hands lightly trailing over her exposed skin of her back from her top hitching up at the command of my hands. Making my fingertips tingle when she shivered beneath my gentle touch. Our kiss stretched on until we broke for air again, breathing heavily with the need and want in our caresses.
"I love you, querida." I whispered, kissing the sensitive skin of her neck beneath her ear, feeling her tremble in my arms again.
"I love you too, Jesse," She replied, her voice shaking with sentiment making me pull away from my assault on her neck. "Forever." She concluded, her gaze and eyes - the window to her soul - conveying and telling me as much.
Smiling at the her in acknowledgement of what I had just seen, I peppered her with featherlight kisses again, feeling her hum against me. Pulling my shirt over my head and discarding it to a corner of our room, I softly laid Susannah down on our bed, gazing down into her beautiful moonlight dappled face. Her look so open and trusting to me. Her eyes unwavering on my own. Her need making the grief of what is to come in a couple of days, put away for the time being. Now being the moment to express how much we love and want each other. To show as well as speak of the beautiful, strong and graceful harmonic love we had to give.
I made love to Susannah that night, absorbing myself in the emotions coursing through our beings, spoken in whispered words over and over again and shining through our embrace and touch. Sparkling in our tears mingling together when we were sated and spent. Heard in the sound of our soft breathing and whispered secrets as we lay together in the late night hours. Entangled together and unwilling to leave the comfort of our bed.
We spent our moments together trying and fighting to pretend nothing was to come at the end of our time together. We pretended our tears were of joy and happiness. Relishing in old memories and daring to dream up new ones. We spent hours sitting on our swing, wrapped in each others arms and blankets, blocking out the rest of the world. Using those two days to just be together. Ignoring the phone, leaving the television off and avoiding any calls to our door. We ate anything and everything, indulging ourselves with desserts and sweet foods. Making love and losing ourselves in our act of bliss. Laying in bed, sated and drifting in and out of sleep. Often taking full advantage of the large tub Susannah insisted on having. Pampering and indulging ourselves further.
I had packed my bags ready before I had told Susannah. Wanting to be able to spend as much time relaxing and losing myself in the time we had. To keep and bury all our memories, dreams and plans in a safe part of my mind. Waiting to call upon them when I needed them most.
But our time together had to come to an end quicker than either of us were willing to admit. One I had dreaded and wished to ignore for as long as possible. The grief we had kept at bay was creeping back on us. Fiercer and more real than I could ever have imagined. Our words became few and far between. Using touches and looks to express our words. I kept Susannah wrapped in my arms for as long as possible, terrified of letting her go. Just enjoying the feel of her snuggled against my side.
Once the time came for me to leave, we stood on our front porch and watched the sun rise over the horizon and set the ocean ablaze with its intensity. Unfortunately Adam arrived shortly after, climbing out of his car along with CeeCee and meeting us at the stone steps. They took my bags to the car, leaving Susannah and myself alone for the last time. Unknowing of when we would get to see each other again. The words going by unspoken, but there none the less.
I gazed down into my lovers eyes, giving her one last shaky smile. Knowing it was more like a grimace, but there all the same. She answered with the smile she had reserved for my eyes alone. The one she had sent me, the very first time we had set eyes upon each other. The very action that makes my heart flutter in my chest and my eyes water with the power behind it, reflecting in her soul.
Leaning forward, I gave her one last kiss, that promised her the world and my love. Relishing and storing away the memory of her soft lips beneath mine, of the taste of her salty tears streaming down her flushed cheeks. Deepening it and pouring every ounce and drop of pure unconditional love I could give. Sending it to wrap around her heart like a blanket, until such a time as I could return to re-new it and stay. When I broke away, I silently mouthed that I loved her one last time, seeing her whisper it right back.
Slowly backing away, still holding on to her outstretched hand, I gave her a quick flash of a grin. "I'm coming back to you, querida," I firmly stated, seeing her eyes light with my words. "I promise you. I'll return."
"And I'll be here, waiting, Jesse." She replied, making me swell and glow with the force of her words. "Forever." Lifting her outstretched hand to my mouth, I kissed her knuckles and looked back up to her eyes.
With that one look passed between us, I could see and feel it was filled with a lifetime worth of love and devotion. Making me confident and overwhelmed, knowing of the woman I love with every fibre of my heart and soul was waiting for me. That she would wait forever for me. Creating a reinvigorated sense of will to survive, in me. Finally releasing her hand, I backed away from our home. My eyes trained on Susannah standing and watching me leave. I didn't look to our house, or our porch swing. Because I was determined to come back to them. To the woman standing on our porch, with her friends arm wrapped around her shoulder in support.
Finally turning away upon reaching Adam's car, I climbed into the passenger seat, my eyes trained ahead of me. I waited for Adam to get ready before he started the car. Less than a minute later with one last look to Susannah, we started to drive away. I watched her for as long as I could, until I could see her no more. An image of her face instantly flashing in my mind to replace the very real one I had just left behind.
Knowing that would have to do, until I could return from the war and back to Susannah again . . .
A/N 2: Oh dear...very tired, lil ole me, lol. I'm not sure about this, but then again, it is 4.45 in the morning, hehe. Thanks for reading! Please review :D
Title is from the song, 'Before The Dawn', by 'Evanescence'.