Author's Note: This is supposed to be FUNNY. So, if you have no sense of humor, then leave now. Those of you who DO have a sense of humor, enjoy this story that started as a funny joke between my brother and I and turned into...THIS.
Oops, forgot the legal stuff: I don't own Breath of Fire, obviously, so yeah...just fanfiction here, making no money on this...
He had watched from varies locations as the church of St. Eva grew and grew, as people flocked into their open doors and wasted their time and money on a false and dangerous religion.
He could do nothing but watch, watch as people no longer came to him for advice, or blessings, or just a nice, friendly chat.
He couldn't blame them. St. Eva churches were nice; their big buildings and their fancy preachers and their events that catered to every age group and their free coffee after service and their magical light shows and their cutting edge worship bands…they had everything he did not.
He didn't even have a dome around him any longer, he was exposed to all of natures elements and it showed.
He was the apparently out of date dragon god, Ladon. Very few people even knew about him at this point, but he didn't stop watching, and waiting.
The best view of watching the evil church that was stealing all his members was in a town called Gate, right near the portal of where the demon resided.
One person in the town came to him, a member of the Dragon Clan who was above the surface because…well, it didn't matter.
He still had a follower!
She was heading his way again, dragging in toe her two kids and telling them to be good.
They stopped in front of his statue and looked up.
"And?" the boy asked, glancing at his mother.
She sighed, "And what? That is the dragon god."
"Boring!" both kids chimed.
The statue frowned, "Little brats…" he thought to himself.
The boy cross his arms, "When you said we were going to meet the dragon god, I thought he would be cool and breathe fire or something…all he is a stuffy old statue!"
The younger child, a girl, nodded, "Old! Old!" she cried, clapping her hands.
Their mother rubbed her forehead, "…Yes, well, he should be respected. I want you to stay here and pray. Don't you dare come back inside until your done."
She wandered away and the kids pouted, muttering under their breath.
A few minutes passed and the little girl whined, "He's boring! I like the other church better."
The boy rolled his eyes, "Their both boring if you ask me, but let's ditch this old thing and get out of here!"
They both ran off and the dragon god sighed. They were right, in a sense.
He was old, and a statue.
"If I want to take back this world, I've got to relate to the youth of today!"
The dragon god statue had certainly fallen into obscurity in HomeTown where he had been pushed into a dead end alley where no one could see him.
He was neglected and had even been defaced a few times, bearing a scar on the side of one of his arms that read, "I *heart* Memeko 4Ever."
However, his mission to retake the ground stolen by St Eva's churches was still in motion, and he would learn to relate to the youth of today if it was last thing he did.
He heard enough conversations in the town, so surely he could master a few key phrases that would make him hip, right?
"Nice?"
"No,"
"Cosmic?
"Nah,"
"Groovy?"
"My dad used that,"
"Cool?"
"…No,"
"I can dig it?"
"Ugh, no,"
"Sweet?"
"No,"
"Tight?"
"…."
"Word?"
"No!"
A moment of silence took place and the chatter of HomeTown could be heard a ways off.
"Maybe your trying too hard," Ryu suggested, shrugging, "just be yourself."
The statue scoffed, "Be yourself? Be yourself? That has got to be the worst advice in the whole world…"
"Hey! It happens to be the advice that I live by." the dragon explained, sounding indignant.
"Says the man who has a crummy minimum wage job, a best friend in the form of a dog and no women in sight." Ladon retorted.
Ryu glared at him, "No need to get personal,"
They both fell into silence again and finally the Destined Child sighed, "Okay, look. You can't force being cool, you are or you aren't. And, you already have one thing over the St. Eva churches,"
The statue looked up hopefully, "What's that?"
"You don't haggle people for money every time they walk by." he responded sarcastically.
Ladon thought about it for a moment, "Hmm….that might have it's merits. My founds are sort of low…"
Ryu rolled his eyes and walked away, "Good luck with that…"
The group had departed, leaving the dragon god alone with the monkey, Sten.
Said monkey had spent all morning cracking bad jokes, leaving the statue to understand why The Destined Child left him behind and took Katt, Nina and Rand with him instead.
"What'd you call cheese that's not yours?" Sten asked, peering up at the statue.
Before the dragon god could reply, the Highlander exclaimed, "Nacho Cheese!"
Sten collapsed to a heap on the ground, laughing maniacally at his own joke.
"….That joke was stale a thousand years ago…" the statue sighed.
The view from his spot in Township was terrible. He was beside the main building, which meant he only had a view of trees and half the entrance.
Ladon heard voices and perked up, (As much as a statue can,) excited for someone to be coming that might provide entrainment.
Being an out dated religious statue was boring sometimes.
It was the group he was expecting, plus someone he hadn't seen before-oh, wait, he knew who that was.
"Maybe I should tell them he's a dragon…?…Nah, it's not like they'll ever see him again!" the dragon god thought to himself.
"Do you know Joe Smoe?" Ray asked, looking around the group.
They all rolled their eyes and replied with a resounding, "No."
"Oh…" the blonde priest said, sounding slightly disappointed and surprised.
Not to be deterred, he continued as they approached the main building.
"How about Squid Wigglesworth? He is a famous-"
"NO Ray!" everyone said again, glaring at him. He just shrugged and shuffled after them.
As the others entered the building, including Ray, the dragon god tried to get their attention, hoping someone would stop to look or talk to him.
"If he doesn't stop dropping names I'm seriously going to have to kill him," Ryu muttered to no one in particular.
"…I know Squid Wigglesworth…" the dragon god said.
Ryu glanced over his shoulder and glared at him, "Oh, you do not!"
The door to the main house was promptly slammed and the statue frowned, annoyed that he had once again failed.
"Hello dragon god, I need-"
Ryu got cut off as the statue exclaimed loudly,
"Yo, yo! The Destined Child is in the house! What do you want with the DG?"
There was a pause while Ryu blinked a few times.
"…The DG?" he asked worriedly.
Ladon nodded slyly, "Yeah, the DG, it's my new nickname. What do you think?"
"…I think your taking this being cool thing too seriously."
The dragon god frowned, "Whatever. I'ght, I got your journey recorded in the hood, K? So, be cool on your trip, you hear? The DG says, peace out!"
The Destined Child exhaled and shock his head, "Yeah…peace…out. Sure,"
"Wht do U wnt w/ the DG?" the statue asked, meeting with blank stares.
"Excuse me?"
"Wht do U wnt w/ the DG?" he repeated proudly.
Ryu turned his back to the statue and opened his hands wide to the others, "Translation, anyone?"
They all thought for a moment and Nina snapped her fingers, "He's using that strange code that young people use. It was a big rage at the magic school. They called it…Xing, or something…"
Ladon smiled, "Aha! I am finally hip!"
The winged girl shifted uneasily and looked away, "Well…um, actually….that was popular about four years ago…"
"Darn…"
The group returned and the dragon god greeted them with, "Hey hey! 'sup my home dawgs!" in his best, practiced, hip hopper voice.
Ryu slapped a hand to his forehead while his buddy slumped beside him. "I wish people would stop making fun of me just 'cause I have floppy ears!"
"Um….oh…." the statue said, feeling embarrassed, "Well, how about instead of calling you dawg, I'll just say….You look fine, you fat cats!"
Katt brandished her quarterstaff from the back of the group.
"…..Er…..I'll just record your journey.….."
There they were, walking into the town of Guntz, an out-of-the-way outpost of blacksmiths. The dragon god watched, hoping they would come and talk to him, surely they needed their journey recorded!
Unfortunately, they didn't even come near him, walking up the stairs to the house on the upper tier of city.
He was disappointed, but hopeful that they would come see him before they left the town completely, knowing that it had been awhile since they'd come to see him.
And there they went, leaving the house and…..walking right by the statue again.
"No! Wait! Follow me on Twitter!" he cried desperately, only to watch them ignore him.
He growled, "Kids these days…"
Ladon mostly saw the Destined Child and his friends at the campsite near the Creeping Clan city of Simafort.
Apparently Ryu was a tight wad and was too cheap to let his party stay at any real inns and so instead brought them here every so often to sleep in the open.
Today was one such day, and they looked like they could use a little rest.
Spar was being drug behind them by his long, vine like arms, looking nearly dead, (If walking plants could die,) and the rest were covered in green slime.
"Can we please not go to Monster Isle anymore?" Sten whined, hopping up and down, "I always end up drenched in goo by the time we leave!"
Jean nodded, "Yes! I agree that we should not go to such a place again! S'il vous plait?"
"We wouldn't have to go there if you three didn't suck so bad…" the dragon muttered and then glared at the statue, "What?"
The dragon god smiled, "Whatizzle do you, izzle, wantizzle with the dragonizzle god….izzle." he said.
The attention of everyone present was suddenly directed at the statue; even the man that had no life to speak of except sleeping in the open.
"…I want you to record my journey…" Ryu said hesitantly.
"Kizzle. I've gotizzle itizzle recordedizzle. Will you, izzle, still cotinizzle your, izzle, jounreyizzle?" Ladon asked.
Sten made a face, "What the hell is wrong with the statue?" he mumbled to Jean, who shrugged.
"Yes, I want to still continue." Ryu said, starting to sound irritated.
"Carefulizzle on yourizzle journeyizzle….fasizzle."
The man who slept in the open shook his head, "That isn't even how you use that!" he exclaimed.
The statues eyes narrowed to a glare, "What would you know?…Izzle."
When he said his view in TownShip was bad, he didn't realized that it could get worse. That moronic carpenter had built a house right in front of his view, leaving the dragon god staring at nothing but a wall all day and night.
He sighed and watched the sunlight fade off the wall and wondered why he hadn't seen or heard from Ryu and the others in days.
Usually they at least came to him quickly to have him record something, or switch a member in and out.
But lately they'd been appearing less and less.
He was slightly concerned.
Slightly.
But then he heard voices and knew they were on their way into town, which meant that they would have to come him.
As they walked by he called out, "Hey! Hey! Hey!"
Bow rolled his eyes, "Yes, yes, we see you…"
They wandered over and Ladon put on his best dejected expression, "You guys haven't come to see me in ages! I have no one to talk too, no one to listen too….you know no one but you comes to see me…"
He was whining on purpose, trying to play the guilt card.
It was working on two of the members; Rand looked embarrassed and Nina actually looked distressed.
Bow and Ryu, however, were fixing him with a stern look.
"So, where have you been that's been so important you couldn't come see me?" he asked, pouring on as much gloom as he could to make his voice sound pathetic.
They all looked at each other in what looked like shame.
"Um…"
Ladon narrowed his eyes, "What?"
Bow scratched the back of his head, Nina bit her lip and Rand winced.
"Well, we've been traveling, and…did you know that there are other ways to record things in this world?" Ryu explained, sounding hesitant.
"What other ways?" the statue asked, suddenly offended.
That was his job!
Rand shrugged, "At churc-" he got cut off as Ryu elbow him hard in the side.
"Places." Bow said loudly, trying to cover up whatever the big man had been trying to say.
There was an awkward sort of pause.
"…Wait, you were going to say churches, weren't you?"
They all winced and Bow glared at Rand, "Nice,"
"I can't believe it! Traitor! Traitor! Traitor!" the dragon god yelled, drawing the attention of everyone in the town.
"This is because I'm not cool, isn't it? Isn't it? I'm not hip and shiny like those churches so you guys go there! It's my job too record things, not their's! They stole that idea from me!" he ranted, watching the others exchange looks.
"Alright, stop!" the blue haired dragon said, covering his ears, "I'm sorry, okay? We happened to be somewhere that didn't have a statue and well….your not always easy to find."
More silence.
"…'S okay…I get it, you know?" Ladon said sadly, "I am hard to find, locked away….hidden behind bushes and down alleys and all dirty and covered in moss…not like the St. Eva churches…not pretty and big and…cool."
The four people exchanged another round guilty look.
"Oh, that's so sad!" Nina said, sniffing, "We'll make it up to you!"
Bow nodded, "Your statue does look kind of dirty, how about we clean it?"
Rand nodded agreement and the statue sighed, "I guess…if you want too…"
They all insisted and walked away, leaving to find the tools they would need to complete the job.
As soon as he was sure they were gone, the dragon god smirked, "Ha, suckers…" he mumbled to himself, excited to have his statue cleaned and shiny like it should be. Honestly, how was he supposed to gain members back if he looked horrible?
"What do you young people like?" Ladon asked coaxingly.
"Not being bothered by pesky dragon statues?" Ryu retorted sarcastically.
The dragon god frowned, "No. I was thinking more along the lines of music! Loud music. So…"
He cleared his throat and started to make a 'beat'.
"Hey, it's the dragon god here to ask you what you want with him!…
Maybe to have your trip recorded or to switch your friends in!
Chillin' and sleeping in the open is good!
Like casting Bolt X, you could!
Gotta keep walkin' around the street and...um..."
He trailing off, continuing to work out the beat and thinking.
A few seconds passed…
"You can't think of anything to rhyme with street can you?" Ryu said dryly, staring at him.
He hesitated and then stopped rapping completely. "For your information, I worked hard on that rap!"
"Oh, that was a rap? I thought you were just making noise!" the Destined Child retorted.
"That's all rap is!"
"Is not!"
"Is too! Why, I can't believe you young people today," Ladon ranted, "I remember when making music was hitting a spoon against a tin can. Now you all think your so cool with your harmonicas and your flutes! Well, I've got news for you, it's all just noise! So there!"
Everyone exchanged a set of looks, probably of confusion.
"Tin cans and spoons?" they repeated.
The dragon god sighed, "Yes, tin cans and spoons. Now, what do you want?"
They shrugged and continued on as usual, while Ladon continued to try and find a word to rhyme with street…
"What do you want with the dragon god…" the statue recited in a bored fashion, out of ideas to become popular.
"I want to change out the dead weight in my group for someone more useful." Ryu replied, glancing over his shoulder at the party.
Ladon rolled his eyes, "Did you not notice that this is a different style of statue? The Highlanders never replaced these with the new ones. All I can do is record your journey and give you a generic blessing."
Oh, the Destined Child looked pissed. "Are you kidding me?"
"Nope."
The dragon god watched him glare at the wall for a good five minutes, tapping one foot before he finally sighed loudly. "Fine, whatever. Be that way. I get it, your still trying to be cool and your trying the whole 'bad' attitude."
The statue's eyes blinked, "Actually, I wasn't trying…."
"No, no, it's really fine. I'll just be going now." Ryu said waving him off and leaving the room.
"…I don't get it." the statue said to the shadows, "Why is being a jerk cool? Seems stupid to me but if it makes me cool, then great!"
He hated his spot in Tunlan.
He was so hidden hardly anyone even knew he was there. He should be in the town, not off to one side hidden amidst palm trees.
He'd seen his favorite set of people enter and leave the town a few times now and even they couldn't find him.
They were leaving again and they happened to glance his way, making him smile.
"Hey, I didn't know there was a dragon statue here!" Katt said, pointing.
Ryu rolled his eyes, "Great, the world is saved. Let's leave before he tries to be cool." They walked away and Ladon grumbled to himself.
It was bad enough he had to listen to the flute music all day, now to be shunned by his own Destined Child and co.?
That was rude.
But it didn't matter. There was a dragon statue everywhere they went, and he would make them talk to him sooner or later.
They thought they were so cool with their huge building.
The Grand Church, the bane of his existence.
He was both glad and mad that he had a statue just a few miles away from the monstrosity they called a church. He could keep an eye on them and rub it in their faces that no matter how much they might want to get rid of him, they never could.
He was in their own back yard and there was nothing they could do about it.
The dragon statue wished he could actually see the church, but he was actually facing the other way.
"Oh, there's a dragon statue here," someone said, making the statue open his eyes.
He grinned, "Hello!"
It was his favorite people!
Ryu sighed and rolled his eyes, "Great…"
They wandered over and stopped in front of him, the four looking up at him expectedly.
"What?" Ladon asked, puzzled.
Bow shrugged, "We assumed you had some new gag you wanted to try so we were waiting for it."
The dragon god smiled, "Well, now that you mention it, I do!"
They all groaned but willingly stood there and waited.
"Look what I got installed." he said, blinking his eyes and letting his newly replaced eyes do their thing.
They flashed a million different colors in rapid secession while spinning, making the light reflect.
He could see the party's reaction and they looked dumbfounded.
"What the…"
"Isn't it cool! They are hip, right? They are cool? Am I cool?"
Using one hand to block out the sporadic lights Ryu shrugged, "Um, yeah, hip isn't the word I would use…but their…interesting."
"Is interesting good?"
The dragon nodded slowly, "…Yes?" he answered.
If he could have, the statue would have danced, "Ha! Yeah, I bet those losers at the Grand Church probably don't have anything like this!"
"That is most likely a true statement." Ryu muttered.
The statue cleared his throat to get their attention, "And, don't miss the bling." he informed them.
Around his neck was a ten inch thick golden chain.
There was a pause.
Turning his flashy eyes off, Ladon asked, "So, does this mean I'm hip with the young people of today?"
The other three members of the group were suddenly busy looking elsewhere or fixing their shoes and Ryu glared at all of them before turning back to reply. "I don't know about being hip, but no one can claim your boring…"
The dragon god frowned, "It's better then nothing, I suppose…"
The air in Infinity was thick and heavy and the walls seemed to move as shadows raced across them.
Standing around the only source of life in the whole place, a spring of life giving water, were the heroes chosen to defeat the demon.
They were checking and rechecking equipment, adding up items and generally preparing to leave.
The Destined Child nodded to the statue, "Well, his is it. Through those doors is the demon. It's time to record our journey one last time."
"Yeah, yeah, I've got it recorded…wait, your right, this is the last time. Then that means…" he trailed off, realizing exactly what that did mean.
"…I'm going to be obsolete after this, aren't I?" he asked seriously.
Ryu nodded and the dragon god sighed, he never had become cool or won back his followers.
"Cheer up dragon god! Look on the bright side," Ryu encouraged, "St. Eva churches are gone too, so you don't have to compete with anyone anymore."
As they filed out of the room, onward to their destinies, Ladon frowned, "That doesn't make me feel any better…" he grumbled to empty room.
Exactly one thousand, ten years, eight months, twenty three days, fourteen hours, two minutes and fifty nine seconds later…
Someone was touching the wall he inhabited.
Or, more accurately, they were poking it over and over and over.
He sighed and rippled into existence, wishing he were more then a artistic drawing of a dragon so he could properly glare at whoever it was.
"Hmm, who disturbs my rest?" he asked, a hint of annoyance in his voice.
He couldn't be too annoyed; most people ignored him completely, but he was still displeased about how they woke him up.
He paused, and then perked up. "You…you're Ryu!"
"Yes! Finally! I've been waiting forever for someone to come talk to me and need my help…I may not be cool, but the hero always shows up asking for my help at some point…I wonder who has been recording his journey all this time?"
Keeping his excitement under control as to not appear too needy, he spoke again in a sage-like voice.
"I am Ladon, the dragon god."
The blue haired man waved a hand at him, "Yeah, so I've heard. Everyone in town kept telling me I had to come meet you, although I'm not why. You're a wall, it's not like you can do much." he said, sounding unimpressed.
Ladon narrowed his eyes, "Hey, look here little dragon, I may be a wall but I can too still do stuff!"
"Yeah, like what?" Ryu challenged.
The dragon god huffed, "I can teach you everything I know. I've been around a while, you know."
That seemed at least somewhat interesting to the hero of this time and he shrugged, "Okay, so what do you increase?"
Ladon answered readily, "Power, Defense and Speed."
"And the down side?"
He hesitated, "…HP and AP minus…six."
Ryu rolled his eyes and turned around eyeing the members of his party this around. Ladon couldn't see them very well and so waited, trying not to fidget.
"Um…yeah, how about Peco?" Ryu said, ushering a bouncing plant that looked like an onion towards the wall.
Said onion creature looked up and exclaimed happily, "Pyku!"
The dragon god made a face, "You want me to apprentice an onion?" he asked, insulted.
"Is that a problem?" the blue haired dragon asked.
'Peco' was staring with a goofy expression on his…face.
"Yes! It is! I'm the dragon god and you want me to pass on my spells and power to a, a, mutant vegetable?"
Ryu crossed his arms, "I'm going to Skill Ink the stuff off of him once he learns it. It's not like I won't use the spells you'll teach him."
"Oh, so you want my stuff but I'm not cool enough for you to want me to teach it to you?" the wall retorted sharply.
"Pretty much, yes."
Ladon wanted to make a scene, but of course he was just a drawing on a wall.
So, he only had the option of speaking.
"Unbelievable! Your so rude to me! What's got you in such a mood?"
With an angry sigh the dragon explained; "I'm sorry if I seem just a tad bit annoyed, but when my own people, who keep griping at me to avenge them and defeat the goddess, make me pay 18,000 zenny for a sword, it sort of ticks me off!"
The dragon drawing rippled, implying a wince, "Wow, 18,000 zenny for a sword? Talk about inflation. Why, I remember when you could get a decent blade for about 200!"
"You really are old, then," Ryu said, crossing his arms, "Because I've never paid that for a sword."
With a sigh the dragon god glanced down at the onion, who had fallen asleep and finally relented.
"Fine, I'll teach the stupid veggie some stuff. Peco, I hereby grant you a portion of my power…"
No response came from his new apprentice, but he wasn't exactly expecting one.
"Thank you." Ryu said, sounding less angry but still exasperated.
As they walked away, Ladon frowned, annoyed that he seemed even more behind on the times and probably less cool then he had been when the demons were trying to take over the world.
But, at least he could remain secured in the knowledge that Ryu and friends would have to visit him often to gain his skills through his apprentice.
With a chuckle the image rippled and disappeared.