Kaoru likes to hide,he's always been that way, That's what scares me. He puts on a brave face and pretends he's just fine, unless you really know him,you won't pick up the subtle differences. It doesn't happen all at once.
Kaoru is sick,he's been sick all our life. Part of it has to do with me being too impatient to be born. Kaoru was still too little, he hadn't developed enough to survive on his own and they had to put him in an incubator. Maybe if I wasn't selfish, my little brother would be fine.
When you hear the word twins, you probably think of two really close siblings with a connection between them, Kaoru and I are closer than any brothers to ever exist. I love my brother and I want him to be healthy and happy, that's really all he wants for me. Unfortunately, Kaoru won't ever be healthy,not completely.
Our mother insists that we loved each other from the beginning, and that's why I'm my brother's keeper. Kaoru needs me to take care of him and I'm happy to do it. It's just so hard sometimes, Kaoru is in and out of hospitals all the time. He can't catch a break.
When we were about five, Kaoru was woken up one night by a terrible pain in his stomach, I was the first to hear him cry out. I was in the room next to his at the time. I raced to his bedside to find him in tears.
"Kaoru, what's wrong?" I panicked and did the first thing that came to mind, I reached out and squeezed his hand.
"Hika,m-my tummy hurts really bad!" He cried"Make it stop Hika, I just want it to stop!" His pleas were heart wrenching. I wanted so much to take it from him. That was one of rare times I saw just how bad it could be. Our parents ran in soon after and it didn't take long for us to find ourselves at the hospital. I watched Kaoru lie there in the emergency room, my heart was breaking.
Kaoru was diagnosed with abdominal migraines. We were glad it wasn't anything life threatening. It is however reoccurring, the doctor said he'd grow out of them but he hasn't. I wish I could say that aside from the headaches and stomach pains that happen frequently he's fine, but he's not. Kaoru has to take medicine every day, he also has problems with his heart. If he doesn't take the pill, he can't get out of bed. I'm always with him,I have to protect my little brother, it's my fault he has health problems.
Another thing about him is that somehow, he doesn't blame me. He always thinks of me first. I remember a time when we were in middle school, Kaoru woke up in the middle of the night with really bad pain in his head and stomach. It wasn't something new, that's what abdominal migraines are, but it broke my heart.
"Try to relax Kaoru." I said, though I knew what he would tell me.
"I can't, it hurts too much." He cried, I stroked his hair gently.
"Kaoru, please just rest, it'll be okay." I soothed.
Because he was all worked up, his chest started hurting and he had trouble breathing.
He was in the hospital for three weeks. I stayed beside him, he needed me, he was so pale and he seemed so fragile,I was afraid to touch his hand.
"Hika, I feel so weak and -" I could hear it in his voice.
"It's alright little brother, you're going to be fine." I told him with tears forming in my eyes. He smiled faintly.
"You always take care of me. I'm lucky to have a brother like you, you keep me going."
"I love you Kaoru." It was all I could think to say in the moment.
"I love you too Hikaru,try not to worry about me too much,I'm going to be fine, like you said." He only got sicker from there until he needed an operation. The thought of Kaoru lying on an operating table terrified me.
"Don't worry big brother, I'll do this for you,I promise you I'll come back to you" I smiled, my Kaoru never let me down, I just had to be patient, I had to be brave like Kaoru. Thankfully he kept his promise and I found myself at his bedside hours later. I stayed at the hospital with him.
Kaoru opened his eyes later that night and I made sure he knew I was there. Our parents were out of the country. I've always hated them for it. How do you leave you're deathly ill son, we have more than enough money to get by on. Kaoru needs his family and they should be there.
He slowly got better but had to rest at home for a while. We hired a tutor so he didn't fall behind and he didn't come back to school that year. I on the other hand was forced to and I hated every second of it. Kaoru was sick he needed me. As if that wasn't bad enough, throughout the school day, our classmates would ask where 'my brother was' they didn't even know who they were talking to, which one wasn't there. It was always met with the same reply.
"None of your damn business!" I would say angrily. The days would pass slowly and I'd run to our room as soon as I got home.
Kaoru would be lying in bed sleeping or trying to study. When he feels really bad, he can't get through lessons. I sat down on my side of the bed and I know he knows something isn't right.
"Hikaru, what's wrong?" He asks weakly.
"It's nothing Kao, just rest. How are you feeling?" He sighs
"Worried. Why are you so upset?"
"It doesn't matter, you shouldn't be worrying about me. I'm the oldest and I -"
"I'm not going to break Hikaru, I'm not made of glass. You can tell me." He was trying to be okay again, that could only mean that he's really not feeling good.
"Everyone asked me where you were, but they never said Where's Kaoru, they said where's your brother. It kind of got to me. I don't -"
"You know no one can tell us apart.I guess it's easier than they think though. If they actually paid attention. It's alright Hikaru, we should be used to it by now." He closed his eyes and I reached out for his hand.
"You feel okay?" I asked, he nodded.
"I'm just resting, I just took my medicine and it should be working soon."
"Hey Kaoru?" I called softly.
"yeah?" He's tired,I know he'll sleep soon, leaving me to my own thoughts.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"Making you sick, if I just waited a little longer, you wouldn't feel so weak most of the time and maybe your heart would be okay. Maybe you would've had a normal life without all this. I'm so sorry I hurt you."
"You didn't. You've done nothing but take care of me since we were little, I can remember a few times the doctor said I didn't have much time left and just when I really started to feel like it, you made me feel better, you got me this far and I'm grateful for what you do for me. I know there's things you want to do with your life but you gave it up to look after me. I should be telling you I'm sorry for holding you back, I never meant for you to be forced into this."
"I'm not, we have maids that can check on you, I'm here because you're my baby brother and I want to be here with you,I'm supposed to take care of you, I don't think I'd be a very good brother if I didn't look after you. Just rest now and don't worry about anything." He smiles at me as I readjust the blanket around him.
"I'm not worried Hikaru, I have the best brother in the world,as long as I have you I know I'll be okay." I smile back feeling comforted by his words. I should've known better. The following morning he was woken up by chest pains and rushed to the hospital, I wasn't allowed to see him for a while. I think I blocked some of that day out because I can't remember much aside from sitting down in the waiting area and then that was it until I was taken back to see him.
Kaoru was asleep and he was so pale,I wasn't sure what to do. My heart had been broken,my Kaoru shouldn't have to go through this, he doesn't deserve it. Shaken, I took his hand and stroked his hair with my other.
"Please Kao, come back to me,you're all I have and I love you so much." I sob.
"I feel like I'm losing him but I know I can't let him go. I have to be strong for him, there's no room for my selfishness now. He woke up later that afternoon.
"Hika,y-you don't have to -" I've never heard him sound like this before.
"It's alright Kaoru, I'm right here." I soothe.
"How do you feel?" I ask quietly.
"Okay." I know he's doing it again.
"I need you to tell me these things,you can't be feeling Okay ' after all that. You don't sound okay either. "
"I don't want you to be upset." He tells me and I sit down next to him.
"I'll be more upset if you keep it from me, I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong." After looking at me for a while and trying to decide which is better for me to handle, he gives me what I asked for.
"I don't feel good at all, but I'm not going to give up because you need me to be here, I won't leave you alone Hikaru I promise." I hear the weakness clearly in his words and lean down to hug him carefully. He came home after two weeks and was on strict bed rest for two more. He was in constant pain and I wanted to take his place. I didn't care if I would be that sick if it meant he wasn't.
We met Tamaki not long after Kaoru came back to school, it was nice to have him back with me but we still had to be very careful. When we decided to play the game with him, I was sure he would never guess and that was my hope because Kaoru needs his rest after can be hard on him sometimes. We often talking about the invitation when Kaoru was lying down and I was doing homework.
"Hikaru?" He called from our bed.
"yeah?"
"You know how important you are to me don't you?" I turn to look at him.
"Yeah, you're important to me too, what's wrong?"
"It's just that -I hate being on bed rest and we have the opportunity to -"
"No. We talked about this, if you get sick and tired, you can't lie down in the middle of a club. I'm sorry Kaoru, it's too much for you."
"You're not me, you can't say that. I just want to see what it's like."
"You're too sick, especially when you get your headaches and stomachaches. They get really bad and if you get worked up you know what it can do to your heart." It was then that I noticed the tears in his eyes. I walked over to sit beside him and comfort him.
"I know it's hard Kaoru,believe me I do, I watch you struggle every day and if I thought for a second it was safe-"
"Hikaru, I know I'm sick, but I can still do some things. I know you want me to be okay,but I want to try, if all there is to my life is bed rest and doctors I- I feel trapped Hikaru and if I don't do something soon-" he stares deeply into my eyes and I can see more than physical pain.
"If I'm forced into this much longer, I feel like I'm going to die, I can't do this anymore brother." I pulled him into a tight hug.
"Don't ever say that, you're not going to die Kaoru, I won't let you." His statement scares me and I know I don't have a choice. How can I ignore something like that?
"Okay Kaoru,if you feel okay, we'll check it out but even if you like it, when you need to rest you have to promise me you'll let me bring you home and when we get home everyday I want you to relax and take your medicine when you need it I need you to promise me you won't overdo it."
"I promise Hikaru, thank you." I wipe away his tears and continue to hold on to him.
The next morning Kaoru felt a little better and some of his color was back so we agreed to join and everything was great. Kaoru felt better and I was becoming more relaxed after seeing this improvement.
Our brotherly love act really is popular with the guests. The love it when I hold Kaoru close and make up a story about something that happened to Kaoru so he can pretend to be embarrassed. He's a naturally good actor and I'm proud of him. It's nice to see him smile. I wish I could say that was the end of it and he stopped getting the headaches and stomachaches, that his heart somehow fixed itself and he's okay now. That's not what happened. Kaoru was alright for a good bit of the school year, he kept his promise and at least took a few minutes to take it easy at home.
After the club closed for the day and I got him home, he told me that he wasn't feeling well and needed to lie down. I followed him upstairs like I usually do to make sure he gets there okay. I helped him into our bed and fixed his pillows adding my own to his for comfort.
"I'm going to be okay Hika, don't get so scared. I took my medicine so I should feel better by morning. "
"I hope so Kaoru, just rest for a little while and then if you're up to it we can watch something on TV." He nodded and was soon asleep. I left him to rest and regretted it.
He started having pain soon after and then he couldn't breathe. I took him to the hospital and it seemed like forever before they told me anything. It wasn't what I was hoping for.
"Hikaru, I'm afraid I have some rather upsetting news. Your brother's heart is failing and at this point he's too weak to have surgery. I'm sorry but the best we can do is keep him comfortable." Everything stopped and I dropped into the chair.
"No, you're wrong, he's going to be fine." I protested. The doctor sat down next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
"I can't imagine what you're feeling, but I know that you mean the world to him. He speaks very highly of his big brother."
"He's awake?"
"Barely but yes. He told me that if it wasn't for you, he wouldn't have lived this long. It sounds like you really love him."
"I do. Can I be with him?"
"I'd encourage it. I've already spoken to your parents and they'll be here as soon as possible. Is there anyone else we can contact for you?"
My mind was blank, Kaoru wasn't going to come home this time. It was too much for me.
"Kaoru asked that we contact your friends to be here with you too, they should be arriving shortly." I followed the doctor back to Kaoru and couldn't hardly believe the person lying in the bed was my brother. His skin was nearly the same color as the white sheet. He was attached to a monitor and had an oxygen hose tucked around his ears going into his nose.
"If you need anything,just use the emergency button by the bed. All I could do was nod and walk to my twin slowly. I sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke his hair.
At my touch he opened his eyes giving me a faint smile.
"Hikaru, please don't be sad, you're the reason I made it this far. I'm glad you gave me this chance. You kept me here thank you."
"Kaoru, I can't say goodbye you're my little brother,my best friend and I - what am I without you?" I sob.
"You're Hikaru with or without me, you and I might look the same but you're your own person. I know it's hard but you can do it. I love you Hikaru."
"I love you too Kaoru, I need you to stay with me,please." I beg.
"I'm sorry,but at least you won't have to be burdened with missing out on life because of me."
"You're not a burden Kaoru,you never have been, I'll take better care of you please don't leave me."
"Hika, it's not that easy. I've been so sick and weak for most of our lives and as hard as it's going to be for both of us, I need you to understand that there's nothing you could've done differently to stop this. I made it to high school and we made friends,I loved being a part of the host club but I'm ready now big brother, I don't have much of anything left to keep this going."
"Then you take it from me, whatever you need." I plead.
"Please Hikaru, let's just take the last few days together and enjoy them a little while longer." I take his hand.
"I can't lose you Kaoru, you have to stay, you have to come back to the host club. You're always so happy there. You promised you'd always be with me."
He wiped away my tears with his thumb.
"Big Brother, you have to understand that sometimes no matter how much you love someone they don't live forever and you have to let them go." His voice is weak but his tone is still as gentle as always.
"you promised you wouldn't leave me alone,you can't-"
"I'm not. Joining the host club wasn't just for me, we've built a strong friendship with everyone there and you don't have to be alone. I love you so much Hika, please promise that you'll keep going and not shut down when I'm gone. More than that promise you won't follow me."
"Kaoru, I can't me without you isn't right at all. We're twins,there's always supposed to be two of us."
"There will be, just because you don't see me beside you doesn't mean I left you. I-" he stops,he's obviously in pain. My heart is breaking as I realize he's right. I lean down and kiss his forehead, something I haven't done since we were little.
"I always told you I'd take care of you Kaoru and do what's best for you. It's killing me to say this but I hate that you're in so much pain. I'll never be entirely okay with this but I can't keep you anymore if you're this sick. When you're ready baby brother, I want you to let go but always know that I love you so much. I break down and rest my head on him.
He wraps his arms around me and holds me close allowing me to sob quietly.
"Thank you Hika, I'll always love you too. Remember that you did everything you could" our friends arrived but I didn't move. I could hear the pain in their voices even Kyoya senpai was hurting. They tried to keep the visit somewhat light. They ended up staying that night and our parents got there the next afternoon. Our mother couldn't keep it together no matter how hard she tried.
"Please don't cry, I -" my mother didn't give Kaoru a chance to speak.
"I'm so sorry we haven't been there for you,I wanted so much to give you two everything and I got so caught up in my work -"
"It's okay, I had Hikaru to be with me, I'm not angry at you or father. You're here now and that means a lot to me." He said.
Our father hardly said anything to us, he often disappeared from Kaoru's room. We knew it was painful for him.
We all handled the news differently, Honey and Mori senpai did their best to make it seem as normal as possible and Kyoya senpai talked about the club with him,Kaoru seemed to like that.
Tamaki and Haruhi hardly spoke or even looked at him. Kaoru told me he understood wasn't upset. For a few days Kaoru was himself for the most part and I had forgotten that I was losing him, it had seemed like just another hospital stay. I laughed with him and he was happy. Our father would appear here and there but never stay long,sometimes he'd pull our mother into the hall.
Then suddenly he was back to being sick and I realized what was happening. Everyone gathered around his bed and he took my hand as he spoke,a faint smile still on his face.
"I'm so glad we joined the host club, I'm thankful for what you've done for us. You guys made me see what the world could be and I had a lot of fun being part of it thank you for everything."Kyoya turned away trying to hide his tears but Haruhi didn't have the chance to stop hers.
"Don't cry Haruhi, you're an amazing person and you'll be a great lawyer one day. You took the time to get to know us and because of that you knew which of us was which. No matter how much we tried to trick you. Thank you."
"Mother, you did everything you could to give us the life we have and it's because of you that we got to go to our school and make friends with the hosts, you and father gave us more than you know, I love you both very much." She kissed his head as the tears streamed down her cheeks.
"We love you too baby." He turned to me.
"Hika, you gave up everything for me and you've been beside me the whole time. You're the reason I lived this long and you've always taken care of me. I love you big brother and I don't want you to close yourself off from the world. That's only going to make it worse. Just remember that you're the best brother anyone can have and I'm glad you're my twin, I love you."
"I love you too baby brother, I don't want to say goodbye." I sob.
"We won't, we'll just say that we'll see each other again and until then we'll keep the good memories close, I'll always be there Hika. He closed his eyes shortly after and the sound of his heart monitor indicating that his heart stopped reached my ears. I remember hearing everyone call my name faintly and then darkness.
I opened my eyes to find myself in a hospital bed with my mother and the hosts. It took me a second to remember what had happened. My mother was sobbing beside me.
"K-Kaoru." I whispered bursting into tears and catching my visitors' attention.
"Hikaru, I'm sorry, I have something I need to talk to you about and I know how much it's going to hurt."
"Kaoru, he -"
"Please listen to me carefully Hikaru, the doctor was able to get Kaoru's heart to start again and he's been taken to surgery. If he makes it through we need to be very careful that he doesn't find out exactly what happened,at least not until he's stronger." I listen to what she has to say and I'm shocked.
Later the doctor comes to check on me and I can't resist asking.
"How's my Kaoru?" I ask.
"He's in recovery, it was difficult for him and he had to be brought back a couple times but he's going to the intensive care unit when he wakes up, if you're up to it, you can see him tonight."
It's been a few months and Kaoru still has to rest a lot but he's stronger now, our mother's been home with us more and Kaoru just found out about his donor. He smiled sadly at my mother when she told him our father had given him his life.
"I know it sounds strange but I knew it was him."
"How could you have?" Mother asked through tears.
"When my heart stopped, i was watching all of you and i was feeling so guilty for hurting you all but then he told me it would be okay and that he loves us and wants me to be here with you. He hugged me and we said our goodbye, that's why I was so sad but I'm thankful that I have this chance. He also wanted Hikaru to know that he's still needed to look after me, you're my keeper, you were always supposed to be and he's proud of you for doing it so well." Mother and I both hug Kaoru we know everything will be alright now that Kaoru will keep getting better and with the help of our friends and the love of our father, I'll keep my little brother here as long as i can.