Akatsuki Secrets
Authors Note: You know what, I apologise for not speeding up the writing process so I could get other stuff up, I really am very sorry but I've had massive computer errors! So I hereby present this funny mini-series, after-all, I love the Akatsuki characters, and if you've read my sister's "Family Secrets", you'll see who my favourite is! So here's something made on the spur of the moment! And yes, I am quite insane!
Part One: "Give it up for Kiss-Me"
In the depths of a very large warehouse that doubles as a night club every weekend, there is a room of darkness and a thin beam of light from the bottom of a wooden slab. This slab is a door, a bedroom door, and it pulsates under the bouncing rhythm of old songs. Currently its occupant is hearing and dancing to a song called "Vogue" by a female artist known as "Madonna". The door itself has a name on it, and that name is….
"Itachi!" The roar from the blue figure of Kisame echoed beyond the music with an edge of desperation. His thick hands hammered the door and he begged his colleague to come out. Kisame was not in the usual Akatsuki robes either; he was dressed in a neat suit, though his head and sword remained their usual self though. "Come on! Hurry up! You promised to drive me to the studio!" There was silence as the music was turned down and a harsh voice whispered.
"I'm busy getting in touch with my emotional side!" It whispered harshly, but Kisame begged again. Itachi snorted at him in disgust. "Go get Pein to drive you! He's going into town tonight anyway!"
"But you know he'd flip out if he knew what I was doing!" Kisame whined, but then the music glared out in response.
Now consider a large studio filled with a jostling crowd of singles and eager relations, eagerly watching the three beauties on stage that were being picked apart by a stuck up bloke. Now imagine seven members or supposed members of the Akatsuki sitting in a row of seats in the middle of the room with a series of mixed faces.
Zetzu has the plant around his head and is not very pleased. People complain at him for blocking the view, and one side of him is fuming over such a thing, but also getting hungry. The other side is embarrassed and pleading against itself to shrink down or immerse with the seat. Kakuzu prowls the rows of bags and pockets of the row ahead of him, stabbing wherever he could get a moment. But beside him Hidan makes a great effort to annoy the person in front of him. This person had died about half an hour ago, but that doesn't stop Hidan making a mess that is annoying Deidara.
"Jabby-jab-jab-jab!" He grins as blood spurts about the place. But beside him is Deidara, and beside the strange blonde-haired loon, Tobi had already gone to sleep through boredom. The sight of the orange mask with a bubbling green snot ball poking in and out of the one eye hole was quite disturbing! Deidara pierces the crowd near the front where there is a disabled access area. Here the giant scorpion like puppet that forms the travelling Sasori sits. He is surrounded by drooling old people that keep wetting themselves or snoring, and he is quite annoyed. He wouldn't even be in the building if Itachi had not thought it funny to tell the studio guards that he was disabled. It would not have worked if Itachi had not stuck wheels to the puppet's bottom and announced that he had "fat-Ass Syndrome", which was a very rare disability!
"I wanna have your babies!" Konan screeched as she leapt out of her seat next to Pein and Itachi. She was trying to lift her robes to flash the man that had just selected the girl he wanted to go out with! Pein had knocked the box or strawberry poky from Itachi's arms and they were trying to hold her down. It was not very easy with the red glasses over Itachi's eyes, which were blinding him though they were supposed to prevent him from being noticed. But eventually Konan settled to asking the man in front of her the same thing. Itachi resumed his obsession with the sweet sticks whilst Pein watched the stage. He had a feeling that his two companions needed to visit some kind of therapist, though the poky was preventing Itachi from going Anorexic, slightly. Plus the therapy for Konan's sex addiction was showing vast improvements. But Pein was more concerned with the woman being led on stage.
Her name was announced as Momoko, and she had long dark hair, was not too skinny, had long legs, and a sweet face. At the sight of her, Konan erupted again but a random studio light hit her head. She dropped, and the light had cinder marks around the cabling and the audience were staring at Itachi somewhat fearfully. Momoko's eyes glittered as she blinked at them in surprise, but then she chuckled sweetly. This made Pein's greyish shade lit up in a smile. At first he had been annoyed by the idea of this kind of show, but now he wasn't as objective as the girl seemed really sweet.
But then the three men, who could not be seen by the girl, were introduced. The first was called Goro, and his body was littered in hair, tattoos, and a look of sheer boredom. Pein reckoned this bloke probably had as much personality as a wall in a public toilet, nothing charming at all. The second man was a clean, rich, smart, and attractive man. He was called Koichi, meaning wide-spread first son, and from one look of his smirking features, Pein could guess why. On this man's arrival, the air wreaked of charisma and Konan began to jump about, screaming out her reproductive status at him.
A twinkle of silver from the bottom row indicated that Sasori had prepared a poison jab to remove the competition. The pirate-puppet-thing had his sting raised and ready to get Koichi, though one of the elderly people had mistaken this for a dialysis device and was trying to attach himself. His tail swayed about to avoid the grubby urine-soaked hands, he would wait for Pein's signal, But the leader looked at him sharply and his head. They had promised not to interfere as long as they were in the building, though Konan had already tried to bribe the male host with the usual feminine methods.
"Now would you please all give it up for Kiss-Me!" The announcer roared before chuckling. A lot of other people were chuckling about the mispronunciation and Pein growled deeply in annoyance. People had hoped to see a dorky looking nerdy teenager emerge, but their faces turned to horror. As the big blue shark dude stepped on stage and sat down nervously on his stool, the sword still strapped to his back, the audience were visibly afraid. Though it was quite obvious to his fellows that Kisame was very nervous and acting quite shy already, every audience member was far too surprised to care. The silence and the looks on their face also sent an odd message to the young woman as she leaned on her stool to try and see before the presenter stepped to her side and explained the rules.
Now three questions were asked to the single men and there were two that were quite general, yet one was a little surprising. The first question was one on how they could describe themselves in one word.
"Ug!" Goro burped.
"Successful!" Koichi grinned with a slight chuckle.
"Sensitive" Kisame almost whispered, though it made Itachi choke and Tobi wake up suddenly.
"Where would you take me on our first date?" The girl questioned sweetly. But her response from Goro almost insulted her.
"To my bedroom!" Goro grinned.
"Anywhere you wish, I have money!" Koichi chuckled smugly, and the sound of Kakuzu cracking Hidan's knuckles and Hidan's screams of agony, echoed around the room.
"Somewhere nice, like a restaurant, or the beach, or a play maybe." Kisame responded quietly and yet politely.
But then a very personal and oddly embarrassing question pursed the lips of the young woman. At the mention, every ear leaned in to hear what would be the response.
"Where would you prefer to get intimate?"
"IN OIL!" Goro barked before falling backward off his stool. At this every eyebrow raised and Konan shook her head. Even the girl looked a little confused, though she definitely didn't want Goro.
"On my expensive yacht of course!" The rich man smirked and he flicked his long golden blonde hair to the side and grinned. Itachi had to swiftly remove his sweet box from the arms of the chair as Konan foamed visibly in excitement. Even the young contestant seemed to blush nervously. But then it was Kisame's turn and he was quaking and sweating nervously. At first he couldn't even get himself to say anything, but then he managed to wheeze the word "shower" out before slumping forward with embarrassment.
"He's doomed, far too sensitive!" Konan snorted beside the boss and then she waited for the girl's choice. To everyone in the audience, the only possible choice was Koichi as none of them could think of the poor girl stuck with Goro the monkey, let alone a strange love-sick shark.
"I have to go with Kiss-Me!" The girl smiled happily, and half the audience fainted, leaving them open to the cannibal, psychotic murderer, and the pick-pocket. Kisame was smiling with amazement and Pein was sitting up straight, beaming with pride. But Kakuzu and Deidara were commenting on how they would never get the show now, whereas Itachi groaned about the noise he could expect.
But when the other men departed and the girl prepared to meet her sweet and sensitive bloke, the audience were silent. Even the presenter was afraid, but then he let the pair know where they had won their date to, which was "Sea World", and then he lifted the divider. Quickly he galloped away as the girl looked at the blushing and smiling face of Kisame. But it was then that the delayed response from the girl kicked in. The girl screamed out at the top of her lungs and then ran away. Audience members then yelled at Kisame as he looked down at the ground, very upset. This Pein would not stand for.
"Get 'em Akatsuki! How dare they insult my boy?" Pein screamed and he ran at the crowd in preparation to kill. As usual there was a pause at Pein's reference; they were momentarily considering this statement, before returning to the original one. After all, they never needed much to encourage them to fight and kill anyone. As the slaughter began, Kisame slumped off stage, turned, and then yelled out in a slightly depressive way…
"I'm going to the aquarium!"
"EMO!" Itachi yelled at the slinking shark dude.
"He'll be on an all night binge now! Gorging on tropical fish flavoured comfort food!" Zetzu mused as he prepared to eat the man that had complained at him.
"Did we secure the Pfish Food Ice cream?" Sasori mumbled as he sauntered over with a human hanging from his tail sting. At the words, every Akatsuki member paused before bolting out of the studio of carnage! They needed that ice cream to live!
Next Time: "It's a Female Thing"
Author's Note (Again): Hope you liked it, if not, I have an Irritable Bowel you can send your complains to! HEHEHE! Once again, sorry for all delays! I will write more of this, but not till a certain amount of hits have knocked it! AAHAHAHA! Till next time….