Got the inspiration from What Happens in Vegas! Also, let's ignore the fact that Gay-marriage is not permitted in Vegas, we'll all gloss over that. It's a one-shot!
D/C - I own nothing!
"We're what!?"
"Married." Naboo repeats calmly.
"How?"
"Don't ask me." The shaman shrugs. "I just received a bill and some photos from the Graceland Chapel in Vegas this morning."
"But… but… I don't even fancy Howard. Look at him, he's a jazz Darlek. He's a freak. Oh! My image is ruined. How could this happen? I'm finished. If anyone finds out about this - it's all over. I'll never be popular again."
"I think we have more pressing worries that your image, Vince." says Howard bitterly. "We're married."
"Alright. Don't say it too loudly." Vince urges, looking around as though a Cheekbone Ninja might leap out start spreading the news to the Camden Elite. "Jeez." he whistles. "I've done some stupid things when I've been drunk before but this… this is by far the stupidest."
"Thanks." snaps Howard angrily.
"What?" asks Vince, all innocence and wide eyes.
"So this is worse than the time you woke up in the ocelot pit with nothing but a loincloth on, is it?"
"I thought I was being Tarzan."
"And this is worse that the time, god forbid, you were so drunk you wore beige?"
"Don't talk about that!" cries Vince, waving his arms around in desperation.
"And this is worse than the time you went home with that bearded woman?"
"Ah. Now, that was different, I thought she was a man with tits."
"And that's better is it?"
"It's not worse." reasons Vince. "This is though." He turns back the Naboo, "I can't be married to Howard. He, he… he likes Jazz!"
"Forget it." Howard scowls suddenly. "You're right. This is the worst thing ever. Worse than death and a life time of forced Gary Numan listening and anything other form of torture. I want a divorce… now."
"You what!?" Vince cries. "You can't want a divorce. You can't break-up with me! I'm the good looking one, I'm the glamorous one. If anyone's breaking-up with anyone then I'm breaking-up with you!"
"Tough. I've already done it."
"Well… I don't accept."
"You don't?"
"No. I want to stay married."
"But a second ago it was the worst thing that could possibly happen."
"Yeah… but then I thought of something worse."
"Which is…?"
"Being chucked by you."
"Argh!"
"What?"
"I hate you."
"Ditto."
And with that, they march off in opposite directions across the flat.
"Look like perfect married couple to me" comments Bollo and Naboo hums his agreement.
--
"Look at the lights!" Cried Vince, bouncing up and down in his seat in the taxi. "How much money have we got to gamble away?"
"Well, less now that we had to buy that ridiculous suit."
"This is not ridiculous. This, is a Vegas suit. I look like a genius."
"You look like a pimp."
"Pimp-chic?"
"No more, there's a pimp, arrest him."
Vince chuckled a little mumbling something about how unattractive jealousy was and Howard, in a mad impulse stole Vince's white cowboy hat and placed in on his own head.
"What're you doing?" Vince asked, in mock outrage.
"Fitting in." shrugged Howard.
Howard had refused to take the hat off until he caught sight of himself in the large, hotel room mirror, at which point, he'd ripped it from his head and thrown it onto the double bed. Then he'd stared at the bed in utter horror. He and Vince were close friends but they certainly were not at the bed-sharing stage. Howard Moon did not swing that way sir, oh no.
"This place is genius." Vince said bounding back in to the room. "Separate bedrooms. Who'd have thought it."
Oh thank God. Howard's brain supplied but somewhere, somewhere deep inside there was twinge of upset.
"Two doubles as well." Vince continued. "This is brilliant."
"Hmm." agreed Howard. He was still annoyed that a prize as tacky as weekend in Vegas had been won in a competition in the global explorer and even more annoyed that it had been Vince, who'd won it.
"Come on Howard. Let's go exploring."
"We should really unpack first."
"Awww. That's boring and we're in Vegas the city of… gambling and getting wasted!" he cried. "Let's go Global Explore. Ha! D'you get it? Coz I won the competition in your-"
"I get it!" Howard cut in so fast that his words blurred together and came out a low grunt.
--
"How can you still be miserable? That woman was lovely to you."
"Shut up." Howard blushed beetroot red.
"I think she fancied you." insisted Vince, blue eyes wide with fake innocence.
"But she was a lady of the night."
Vince eyes went wider still, "A vampire?"
"A prostitute."
"Ohhh." Vince giggled with false, over the top understanding as Howard blushed more. "Oh. Well that would make sense. You don't usually have moderately attractive woman after you."
"How dare you? I could have any woman I choose."
"Whatever you say Casanova. Ooo. Look." Vince laughed, pointing at a large luminous sign. "That looks cool."
Howard was fairly sure Vince had been so distracted by the pretty sign that he didn't actually know what the building contained but that didn't stop them piling through the door and into the club-cum-casino.
--
Vince sits in his bedroom, looking down at his left hand. It wasn't as though he hadn't noticed the tacky silver ring sitting proudly on his ring finger. He'd just convinced himself that the engagement hand was the right hand and not thought anymore of it. He twirls the ring idly around his finger. In the back of his mind, he'd kind of guessed something had happened on that first night but he just hadn't expected it to be that he'd got married. He sighs. This is the worst thing ever. How could he have been so stupid? No amount of alcohol should have ever permitted him to do something as stupid as marry his best friend.
--
"Vince I think you've had too much."
"No! I think you've had too much!" Vince countered, collapsing heavily against Howard's shoulder as they left the club and began to walk down the over-crowded pavement. "You just need to be happy Howard. Hey, happy Howard - that… rhymes." Vince looked so proud of himself that Howard laughed a little.
"I think we're both a bit drunk. About time we headed back to the room."
"Noooooooo! S'too early!" groaned Vince pushing Howard away hard and stumbling into a man. "Hi." he smiled, fluttering his eyelashes flirtatiously
Howard dragged Vince away, apologizing intensely.
"Oooo. Look." Vince giggled, pointing at a sign, which read one free flirtini for everyone and before Howard could say or do anything he was being dragged into another club.
--
"Lighten up!" Vince laughed, a breathy whisper in Howard's ear, as a tall bartender, helped Vince onto the bar. The intoxicated man let out a long whoop of delight and started dancing along the bar. Everyone around cheered and even Howard failed to suppress a smile from invading his face.
"Drink, sir?" The barman asked.
"Please." Howard grinned. "Make it large and full of alcohol."
"Right you are." laughed the man.
--
Lights were blinding. People were pushing against them from every single direction. The music was blearing, thumping through their bloodstream. The alcohol sloshed around their brains. Howard had loosened up so much that he actually though it would be good idea to lift Vince up and twirl him around. Vince wrapped his legs around Howard's waist and leant back as someone else tipped a bottle of something strongly alcoholic and purple into his mouth. It spilled down his face, into his hair, on his clothes but he didn't care. He raised his hands above his head in triumph and there was another cheer of support from the surrounding dancers.
--
Howard looks down at the pictures of their wedding. They both looked a little worse for wear, grinning at the camera so proud, so very drunk. He sighs. He wishes so hard he'd been less stupid. It was expected of Vince but not of Howard. He was supposed to be the sensible one. He sighs and looks at the next photo. Vince is hanging all over him and his soft lips are pressed to the corner of Howard's mouth. Howard blushes and looks around his bedroom shiftily before pushing that photo under his pillow. He doesn't want to forget everything.
--
"HOWAAAAARD!" Cried Vince, appearing from nowhere.
"Where've you been?" Howard asked, leaning heavily against a wall.
"Over there." Vince pointed in some non-descript direction, shook his head. "No over there." pointing in a different direction.
Howard chuckled a little as Vince fell against him, head resting on his shoulder.
"You're drunk." Howard pointed out.
"So are you."
"I know."
"Yeah. You wouldn't let me touch you like this if you weren't drunk."
"Mmm." Howard agreed, winding his hand through Vince's hair because he was also too drunk to protest.
"Hey." Vince cried, stepping back suddenly.
"What?"
"D'you know what would be brilliant?" Vince said, twirling around enthusiastically and staggering over again. Howard caught him by the elbow and held him up.
"What?" he smiled.
"We should get married." Vince giggled. "Imagine that!"
"You're ridiculous." Howard chuckled uneasily. He could feel his face flushing.
"Noooooo! It's smart see. Coz I love you Howard and you love me. And we live together but we never have sex. We're virtually a married couple already."
"You're being ridiculous." laughed Howard but his cheeks were bright red now and he was furious with his heart for beating faster.
"Noooo! Let's make it official."
"Vince."
"What?" Vince asked, blue eyes bright and beautiful, face flushed with alcohol and grin so infectious.
"You're too drunk." Howard insisted.
"Don't matter. Come on. It'll be a nice surprise for Naboo when we get home. It'll be such a laugh being married to you. You'll be like; 'Hi I'm Howard Moon and this is my little wifey Vince Noir.' Hey. I'm Vince Noir. And you'll be my wife too see - that's how it works."
"I don't…"
"Oh Shooosh!" Vince slapped a finger to Howard's mouth. "Don't be a fun-killer and spoil-sport. It'll be brilliant I promise. Till death to us part. Yeah? Come on, this'll be genius!"
--
Vince slams his head into the pillow. He feels like such a fool. What was going through his head when he said 'I do', apart from the alcohol of course? Suddenly, he feels something slap him lightly on the back. He sits up and looks around to see Howard stood near the door. His face is strange; strangled and angry but also twisted with upset and hurt. Vince looks at the bed covers next to him and sees photo's of what must have been the wedding. He looks a mess. His hair's all over the place, vodka-matted and sticking out at ridiculous angles. His make up is all down his face and he's got a bottle of wine sloshing about in his hand. He looks like an alcoholic mess. Then Vince looks at the Howard stood next to him. He looks decidedly less drunk, in fact hardly that drunk at all. He's stood up on his own and looks happy as hell, his arm around Vince's waist and a daft grin on his face.
"You're not…" Vince says dumbly, pointing at the photo.
"Drunk, no? A bit tipsy maybe but not drunk."
And with that Howard walks from the room. Vince stares down at the photo and at the ring on his hand and actually considered what it would be like to honour his commitment.