For my fellow Octobers who are counting down the days until ep 5.06 - Attention: spoilers for "Joy" for those, who haven't seen any promos yet
House was standing in front of her door and felt locked out. Out of his own life.
Because they had locked him out. By changing everything, not including him.
They were his life, and all that was left now, were lies and silly games of hide and seek because they were so desperately trying to set themselves free from him.
But what about him? He couldn't run away. His shadow would always follow him.
He knocked. Gently, to his own surprise.
The door opened almost immediately.
"Shsh. You're waking her", Cuddy hushed but House ignored the words and instead scanned her face with his eyes.
She had been crying, her eyes were red and her cheeks were shining from the salty tears that had dried on them. Her hair was a mess.
And yet she was beautiful. Because she COULD cry. And because she was glowing. No matter how guilty she felt, she was after all a mother now, and her heart was already filled with love for this little baby that had so far been nothing else except a giant pain in the neck.
Just like himself.
Without hesitating House moved inside forcing Cuddy to let him in. But as soon as she had softly closed the door he realized that he had no idea what he was doing at her place in the middle of the night.
He still felt locked out, standing there, in the center of her entrance hallway.
And that was exactly the reason why he was there.
He looked down at her as she was trying to avoid his gaze.
"Baby just went to sleep?" he asked.
Cuddy nodded and House knew she was lying. He knew it from the pile of used Kleenex he could see lying on the living room floor.
"It's not your fault, you know that", he said.
She immediately responded to this as if she had been trying to tell herself exactly that for the past hours.
"Well, try to remember that so you can tell her when she grows up, cause I won't be able to", Cuddy replied and House squinted.
"Sure if I'm around…" he casually teased her and looked around, letting the words dangle in the air like a threat.
But Cuddy ignored it.
Bad sign.
Her thoughts had ALREADY stopped circling around him…
"What was I even thinking?" she suddenly whispered, another tear emerging from her eye. "I was so obsessed with this wish that I completely blocked the impact this change would have on my life."
House frowned and deep inside he felt his soul smiling. Because she was just as freaked out as he was.
"You're just suffering from maternity blues. You'll get over it", he coldly replied.
"House, it's not the maternity blues, cause I wasn't even pregnant. Which is exactly the point. Other women have 9 months to prepare, I had three weeks. And this woman had nine months to prepare. She must have prepared, she felt it grow inside her, she felt it move. She must have loved the child, no matter whether she wanted it or not. How am I supposed to give this child a real mother's love if I haven't felt all that? I cannot replace her real mother. I don't deserve this child. For God's sake I killed her mother."
"You didn't kill her", House almost barked at her trying to make her stop.
He wanted the tears to stop. Looking at her was like looking at the mirror, he knew the pain she was feeling.
She was heartbroken, something he had been for most of his life.
He made a step towards her.
"You didn't kill her", he repeated and lifted her chin, so that she was forced to look him in the eyes.
And there it was.
The connection. He felt it as if someone had flicked a switch inside him.
There were no lies coming out of those blue eyes staring up at him.
Her soul no longer hid the simple truth of her pain from him, because she didn't need to.
Not in front of him. Because he always knew. That was why he was always there when it mattered most. Not because he was a friend. He was some kind of dark shadow that sensed human pain and followed it as if he was subsisting on it. As if the knowledge, that everybody was feeling some kind of pain every once in a while, was his only connection to the outside world.
Cuddy stared at him. The sincerity in his eyes made her shiver. It made her realize that he really cared. And there was something else in his look, some kind of a hungry glow that brought up a tension she hadn't felt with anyone for quite a while. It drew her closer towards him like an invisible force.
It all seemed so clear all of a sudden and there was nothing else in the world than this moment. The connection to him felt so right and made so much sense since he was the only one who could feel her pain, her confusion, her loneliness. He had been feeling all this for most of his life. And instead of running away from it he had come here this night. Now all she was longing for was more of it, more of his pain, more of his self-destruction, more of his anger. She wanted to breathe him, wanted to taste him, wanted to feel him because she was somehow hoping it would make her understand the intensity of her feelings. Or maybe she was selfish enough to hope the pain inside him would be stronger than hers and would just numb her for a while. She didn't know why she was following her impulse to allow herself this kiss. But she knew what she saw in his eyes. And that was enough.
Their lips met in an explosion of pain that resolved into pure heat.
He could taste the salt of her tears on her mouth and the sweet milky smell of the newborn on her.
She tasted and felt so much softer than the last time they had kissed. Her fingers closed around his hands. They were cold and shaky.
Deep in their heads they were asking themselves what they were doing and if they had learned nothing from their past. But even deeper down in their souls it felt like all their questions had already found their one and only answer.
When Cuddy noticed the arousal washing away every other feeling inside her she knew she had to stop.
She needed a friend, someone to hold her, someone who understood her pain. She had found that in House. What she didn't need was even more to feel guilty about.
So she pulled back and their lips parted again before House got the chance to hold her back.
House's eyes were looking for hers but she was too confused, too shaky and too weak to respond to his gaze. Because she was afraid he would see her confusion and would then pull back, too. This was the first time in years he had let his guard down in front of her and she knew how easy it was to hurt him.
So she moved towards him again. But before their lips could touch again she rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes until her head stopped spinning.
The smell of his leatherjacket mixed with his aftershave and his body felt so unexpectedly warm and comforting.
His scrubby chin brushed through her hair and lay heavily on her head.
"Put your arms around me, you idiot", she finally whispered when moments had passed without either of them moving.
She felt his smile in her hair as he did put his arms around her, awkwardly and as casually as possible.
But nothing about this was casual.
This was exceptional.
Unexpected.
Perfect.
Which was why it was so dangerous.
And there was something else that was scaring her.
It was his heart beat.
She felt it pounding inside his chest in the fast, impassioned pace of her own heart.
This got to him, it wasn't just one of his games. This was for real.
Another reason to panic.
Yet, she felt perfectly calm.
That moment a faint whimper reached them in the silent darkness of Cuddy's entrance hallway. She freed herself from his embrace to his obvious relief and followed the cry into the baby's bedroom.
The whimper grew louder when Cuddy opened the bedroom door.
And then House heard something that shook him to the core.
He heard her voice, softly and sweetly calming down that baby, that was a total stranger to her, as if it was her own child.
He felt the goosebumps rising on his skin and once again felt locked out.
The crying grew more distant again as Cuddy took the baby with her to the kitchen and House knew he was no longer part of this. Had never been. Only now he wanted to be part of it more than he wanted anything else in the world. But there was no place for him neither in her life, nor in her heart. She just didn't know that yet.
After Cuddy had warmed up the formula she moved back to the bedroom holding the baby pressed against her shoulder with one hand and holding the bottle in the other hand.
When she entered the room she instantly knew something had changed.
She knew House was gone.
Her heart sank.
But the only thing that mattered now was neither him nor her. It was this baby. This gift she had received from a young woman, whose life was now over.
She owed this woman everything. And she had to make sure this baby would be okay. More than okay.
Before the panic could rise again she lifted the bottle and started feeding her child. And with every little sigh and sip Cuddy felt the love for this child growing stronger and the fear fading.
Her eyes started wandering around as she was trying to fit into this new life of hers, trying to get used to the world of a child, all the toys, the colors, the lullabies.
She stopped when she saw something she had no recollection of purchasing.
A smile curled her lips when she recognized this something as an Ugly Doll. It was sitting on top of the changing table and was grey with an unhappy expression on its face and an X instead of a right eye. It looked wrong, misplaced amongst all the yellow, pink and blue teddybears, rabbits and dolls. But at the same time it felt like the only thing real in this room.
Just like House.
She laid back, the baby still sucking at the bottle in her hand and sighed.
House must have put the doll there before he left.
Whatever this was it was a good sign.
Because he cared to be part of this world.
She licked her lips and could have sworn to sense the bitter traces of Vicodin on them.
Her heart skipped a beat, a beat that belonged to House.
The End