The Reality of a self-insert: Dark Knight style

The Reality of a self-insert: Dark Knight Style!

Yes, this is just a (semi-serious) parody of self-inserts and how unrealistic they can sometimes be, and how far-gone the self-insert really is. Personally, I guiltily love (GOOD) self-insert stories, 'cause who wouldn't want to live in the movies? I sure would. But sometimes it can be taken a wee too far… ANYwho, like I said, this is the reality of self-inserts, and what would realistically happen to an obsessed self insert, in this case in "Dark Knight". I'd also like to note that this is completely original. I've had this idea about self-inserts going for months now, and this Batman one since the movie came out. That being said, enjoy!

WARNING: If my character seems way over top, she's supposed to be. On purpose.

Inspirational music: Why so Serious? By Hans Zimmer and JNH (The whole damn thing is amazing.)

Kara Bella Livingston, exactly fifteen and one-half, slammed her door and jumped onto her Egyptian cotton comforter, her face alight with ecstasy. She had just returned from seeing "The Dark Knight" for the 12th time. Her parents didn't necessarily approve, but she paid for each visit with her babysitting money, so they couldn't really complain. Brushing her crimson locks out of her eyes she looked at her digital clock. It read 12:14 AM. Perfect. She went to her Apple 15" Mac book and turned it on, waiting impatiently for it to load. As the welcome screen flashed she plugged up her iPod and had it continuously play "Aggressive Expansion". She closed her eyes and let the music briefly take her away.

Her screen finally dinged, indicating it had reached the homepage, which displayed a picture of her and her one and only, the Joker (in his nurse uniform of course), photoshopped so that they stood side by side. Before she could get too distracted in fantasy, Kara opened up her story on and began checking the reviews for her story, A Love Like Ours, a "Dark Knight" fic about a girl named Elizabeth Sutherland who is magically transported to Gotham City. She then is kidnapped by the Joker, who she eventually changes into the good person he always knew he was. In the latest chapter, Chapter four, Elizabeth and the Joker had just had dinner at Commissioner Gordon's house, in hopes of atoning for the Joker's previous sins.

"OMG I LOVE IT!!111!! THE JOKER IS SO HAwT11!!1" one reviewer gushed. Kara smiled widely. Finally, someone who understood the hotness that oozed from that painted face.

Wrote another reviewer, "While this has promise, it's a tad unrealistic. The Joker is a cold-blooded killer who wouldn't fall in love with a woman so fast. However, your fic has promise. Just a bit of editing could improve it boatloads." Fuming, Kara hit the "abuse" button. She was so tired of all these flamers flaming her story because they A: they didn't like her or her writing or B: they had no life whatsoever.

With that taken care of, Kara shut her laptop in satisfaction, reached into her makeup drawer, and pulled out some red, white, and black face paint. She seated herself in front of her antique mirror and began applying the white paint to her face, stopping at her ears. She then applied the black paint around her eyes, feeling like a raccoon. A shmexy raccoon. Lastly, she applied the red face paint to her lips and cheeks. Admiring her work in the mirror, she took a Polaroid of it and taped it to her mirror. She also admired the polaroids she'd taken of her previous attempts. This was the best by far.

Kara stifled a yawn as she jumped onto her bed, diving under the covers. With sleep fast approaching she lay in wait, listening to "A little Push" and thinking about the newest chapter in her fanfic. She wanted Elizabeth and the Joker to move to a house in the country, settle down, maybe have twins, and live happily ever after. The Joker would have inexpensive outpatient face surgery to rid himself of his scars and restore his movie star looks. Kara sighed in ecstasy took her fantasy one step further, putting herself in Elizabeth's shoes. She alone would love the Joker. She alone would understand his tortured soul and bring him back to his innocence. She could see them now, in a passionate embrace, preferably with him in that nurse outfit, on a beach in the south of Florida, reading each other their vows. She knew if she ever met the Joker he would see in her something he had never seen in any other woman. He was a guy of simple tastes, and she would be his forte. It was more than Kara's little fan-girl heart could take, and she fell asleep, giggling with glee.

Kara woke to the sound of people screaming. Her head felt heavy, and she opened her eyes with ease. Hmm, that was a bit strange. Usually when she applied her makeup her eyelashes would clump together, making it hard for her to see. Not now. She lifted a hand to her face, confirming the fact that she was now makeup-less. Her vision was mildly blurry from sleep, and she blinked a few times to clear it. Finally taking in her surroundings, Kara found herself in a…hospital bed? Her first thought was to panic, but of course that wouldn't be reasonable; panic never got a girl like Kara anywhere. Panic lead to confusion: Why would she be in a hospital in the first place? She checked her body for any sort of bruises or burns; there were none.

Realizing she wouldn't get an immediate answer as to why she wasn't in the hospital, she, she picked the task of finding out where she was. She quickly studied everything in the tiny room, trying to find out which hospital she was in; there were dozens of hospitals in her no-name city. A large sign in white print from across the room caught her attention; perhaps it could give her an idea. She swiftly climbed out of the bed in order to get a better look at the print. The sign simply read: "GOTHAM GENERAL ASKS THAT YOU NOT SMOKE INSIDE THE HOSPITAL. DESIGNATED SMOKING AREAS CAN BE FOUND OUTSIDE THE BUILDING. THANK YOU." Kara immediately began wiping at her eyes, sure they had just deceived her. Did the sign really say Gotham? The Gotham? She read the sign once more; all the words remained the same.

Kara let out a scream that easily matched the same decibel of a dog whistle. She quit screaming; she wouldn't make an assumption just yet. This could be some kind of joke (because someone would go through all the trouble). Gotham City didn't exist. It was part of the Bat-verse, which also didn't exist, very much to Kara's chagrin. She anxiously pinched herself, just in case she happened to be asleep. The pain that inhabited the area proved to her that she was indeed awake and standing in a hospital room claiming to be part of Gotham General.

She let out another ear-drum shattering scream and quickly ran out to the hall, where she proceeded to be hit in the shin by a runaway bed. "Dammit!" she screamed, rubbing the injured skin.

"Move, please!" yelled a voice from behind her. A hospital official, no more than thirty, came toward her, holding the bed. Turns out the bed wasn't a runaway. She finally noticed all the chaos that was occurring around her.

"Hey," she exclaimed, returning to the situation at hand. "You just hit me! That REALLY hurt!" He'd already passed her, beginning to jog toward an elevator. "Hey!" she yelled in frustration.

He yelled over his shoulder, barely glancing at her. "The Joker's made a threat to blow up a Gotham hospital. We can't take any risks. Get yourself out as fast as possible!" He gave her one more look before rushing for the stairs. Kara's voice caught in her throat.

"The…Joker?" she finally managed to croak out. Her head began to spin. She'd forgotten all about him. There's a first time for everything. She began to place the pieces together. She had been somehow transported here, to Gotham, in Gotham General, during the Joker's threat. That meant…Kara squealed again. That meant the Joker was HERE. NOW. IN a NURSE OUTFIT. Kara did a little dance that could be misconstrued as a seizure (no offense to anyone, truly).

She surveyed the other side of the hall and noticed the African American guard leaving his position and heading for the stairs. She immediately recognized him as the officer assigned to guard Harvey's room. Her smile practically reached her ears; she was on the right floor. All she had to do was wait.

She ran into her room and waited for the hall to clear out. After five minutes the sounds of beds rattling and doctors yelling cleared, leaving only the sound of official footsteps in the hall. Kara left her hiding spot and subtly peeked out. The African American guard opened the door. "Ma'am we're going to need to move him now." Before Kara could react, the sound of a sniper-like gun and a body thudding to the floor filled the hall. Kara squealed and covered her eyes; she'd forgotten that one minor detail. After a minute of utter shock she bucked up her courage and slowly began making her way towards the door, assuring herself that once she and the Joker were together his senseless killings would cease.

The blinds to the room were miraculously only partially open, so that Kara could look in and not be immediately noticed. And oh, the view inside proved glorious. The Joker was telling Harvey that he was a "dog chasing cars", but his words soon melded together into nothing; all Kara could concentrate on was that nurse-clad body. His muscled arms peeked from beneath the pink arm sleeve. As the Joker talked and moved his hands, the muscles tightened and loosened, bulged and protruded. Kara imagined touching them, running her fingers through his curly arm hair. She noticed the red wig on the ground next to him, and willed him to put it on, knowing fully well he wouldn't.

He swiftly stood up and walked to other side of the bed. Kara's breath became shallow as she took in his taut legs, his adorable checkered socks. The nurse skirt wasn't as short as she would've liked, but other than that, Kara could find no faults. The pictures barely did justice; the real thing was so…ravishing. Not to mention downright sexy. Kara wanted nothing more than to run in, knock Harvey off the bed, and push the Joker onto it. But she had to contain herself; she knew her shining moment was approaching. Patience was indeed a virtue. She watched the Joker pull out his gun and give it to Harvey, forcing him to hold it against the Joker's forehead.

Slowly, Harvey presented the coin. "You die," he said, his voice like venom. "Mmm, now we're talking," growled the Joker. Harvey flipped the coin and gave the Joker a menacing look. The Joker smiled back at him and swiftly straightened up, taking the gun from Harvey's hands.

"Come now Harvey, you know I'm not the one you're after. It was Gordon's men. They have plans you know, and those plans just didn't include saving your precious squeeze," the Joker taunted.

Harvey attempted to reach for him, but the Joker simply stepped back. "Take all that anger out on them. This place is going to blow any minute." The Joker walked to the other side of the room, causing Kara to duck. Now was not the time to be seen by her beloved. Not with Harvey around to spoil the fun. He picked up a half-burnt suit and threw it at Harvey.

"You're gonna need this too," The Joker tossed his gun at Harvey and smiled widely. "Go get 'em tiger."

Harvey grabbed the suit and gun and exited the room. Kara, realizing he was coming, ducked into the nearest room and prayed to the fates that Harvey had not noticed her presence. Luckily, Harvey's mind was clearly preoccupied as he ran down the hall and to the nearest stairwell. Kara came into the hall and watched him, breathing a sigh of relief, completely oblivious to the painted nurse that stood behind her.

"Ahem," came a scratchy voice from behind. Kara froze before slowly turning her head. There he stood, in all his glory: the Joker. Kara could only stare, her mouth wide open. Once again, she realized the pictures could never do justice, would never do justice. He was real, he was hawt, and he was standing right in front of her.

He cocked his head, clearly amused by the stupid look on her face. She shook her head, her mind swimming in ecstasy. The painted smile on his face widened.

"Hey there gorgeous. What brings you here on such an," he paused, clearly searching for the right word, "explosive occasion?"

"I," stuttered Kara. "I…" In her head, she'd always shot straight into a lengthy and impressive speech about the good "in all of us" and how deep down, he was a good man, and all he needed was a good woman to see it. Now that the opportunity was presented to her, all she could do was make choking noises in the back of her throat. He licked his lips and abruptly grabbed her cheeks, his face inches from hers. His teeth were a sickening shade of yellow. Kara suddenly wondered why she'd never noticed before. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" He laughed maniacally, and Kara held her nose; his breath was literally to die for.

He laughed in her face for another few seconds then, losing interest, let her go and abruptly began walking toward the stairwell. Finally able to regain her voice, Kara remembered what she was here to do; what she had to do. It was her destiny. He would listen, she was sure. They were meant to be together.

"Wait," she said, her voice solid. She felt an air of confidence surge within her. He turned swiftly and gave her a mockingly interested look.

"I…I know you're a good person deep down!" she yelled without a breath. His smile widened once again, and he turned to fully face her. "Come again?" he asked in a mocking tone to match the amused look on his face.

Kara took a step back, her nerves suddenly returning. She fought against them as best she could. Be like Elizabeth she chanted in her mind. "I know you're a good person deep down," she began.

"I don't know if it was your abusive father, or your wife abandoning you, but," she took a deep breath, "but somewhere along the way, something happened to you to push you over the edge, into what you are now. You were a good person, and someone out there just helped to turn you to the dark side." She wasn't even focusing on him anymore, only on the words spewing from her mouth.

"But it doesn't have to be this way. There is a way to be good again. I can help you. I can show you that love can heal a person, make them better. If only you'd let me. Let me help you return to the light. You've been lost in the dark for so long. Let me show you." She reached out and touched his arm, feeling it tense beneath her. "Let me show you that love can heal even the darkest of hearts."

She took another colossal breath and willed herself to look at his face. He grinned widely, a chuckle coming from deep in his throat. Then, without warning, he threw his head back and cackled and howled. Kara screamed and leapt back, watching him in horror. He slapped his leg and wiped tears from his eyes, all the while his gazed stayed on her.

"No thanks, toots," he finally said. "This is a one man show, and it won't be ending any time soon." He gave one final giggle before turning and heading for the stairwell once again.

Kara suddenly felt angry. This was not working out the way it was supposed to. He was supposed to listen, to understand, to accept. It was their destiny. One couldn't give up on that. She ran after him and grabbed his arm once again, expecting for him to give her another chance. What she wasn't expecting was the knife that suddenly slid into her throat in one swift movement. She gurgled as he slid it out and wiped it on his Harvey Dent sticker, tutting in disapproval.

"You'd think people would learn some manners. Like how to give people their personal space," he said, sliding the knife into his chest pocket. He shrugged and waved at her, then ran for the stairwell. "Here come the fireworks," he yelled. "Hopefully they'll only be a taste for what's to come! Ta ta!" And with a mighty kick he opened the stairwell door and laughed as he ran down the stairs, leaving Kara for dead. Her mind swam with the pain and the sadness that her plan had failed. However, one realization stood out for Kara above all the rest: True love doesn't just hurt; it murders.

Fin

Yay! This took me forever, but I'm finally happy with it! Just a note: I'm assuming in my story that Harvey's room was on the second floor. That may not be the actual case. It's late and I can't think of any other major flaws but if there are I shall edit them in. Hopefully I put enough nurse Joker in there as well. If not, you all have imaginations. Come up with your own drool-worthy fantasy. ;)

Please review (as kindly as you can, though honesty helps)! It'll make me one happy girl! Ta ta!