You're so Vain

You walked in to the party…
Like you were walking onto a yacht…
Your hat strategically dipped below one eye…
Your scarf, it was apricot…
You had one eye in the mirror…
As you watched yourself gavotte…
And all the girls dreamed they'd be your partner…
They'd be your partner…

I still remember the first time I laid eyes on Captain Jack Harkness. It was at a Torchwood One party. Yvonne Hartman was fond of parties, especially themed ones. That particular year it was the French Baroque (how random?) I was 22 years old. Barely out of uni and already snapped up by Torchwood.

Jack didn't bother with the dress code of the night, yet he had every woman and a fair few men fawning over him. Now me? I was a silent observer. I hadn't met Lisa yet, wouldn't for another year.

I suppose that's what attracted Jack to me in the first place. My mystery. I had on a mask, so he couldn't actually see my eyes, even whilst we danced. But I could see his. I saw his eyes shine with lust and I blushed. He was amused by my innocence. I don't remember all the details of that night. I remember Jack by me drinks and lots of innuendos, many still make colour come to my cheeks.

You're so vain…
You probably think this song is about you…
You're so vain…
I'll bet you think this song is about you…
Don't you? Don't you?…

You had me several years ago…
When I was still quite naïve…
Well you said that we made such a pretty pair…
And that you would never leave…

I do remember parts of the night that followed and the morning after. I was devastated when I woke, my mask still firmly in place, but absolutely nothing else, including no Jack. I was humiliated having to go into work where people snickered behind their hands and talked about me in the coffee room about what a complete and utter fool I made of myself.

I didn't bother with any of the parties for the next year. Lisa made me go to the third and forth. I saw the illustrious Captain again on the forth. He smiled as old acquaintances do, and flirted with me like an ex. I thought I saw a flash of jealousy and possessiveness cross his features, but I was probably wrong. He twirled me across the hall like last time. But that's where it ended and he left.

But you gave away the things you loved…
And one of them was me…
I had some dreams…
They were clouds in my coffee…
Clouds in my coffee and...

Well, sort of. Canary Wharf happened just days later and I got a call not from the Captain, but his second in command Suzie Costello. Apparently the task of finding a tea person had fallen to her and she'd heard that I was looking for a repost. I grabbed it with anxious hands.

Desperate to help Lisa I didn't realise the implications until I saw Jack again. The dreams of that night returned with a vengeance. I didn't realise just how much Lisa had kept them at bay, but obviously my hormones could no longer be focused on Lisa and found a new outlet, the favourite being Jack dressed only in his coat. It was a nightmare having to face Jack when I had some delightfully erotic dreams of him the night before. Thankfully they subsided to one every month or so.

You're so vain…
You probably think this song is about you…
You're so vain…
I'll bet you think this song is about you…
Don't you? Don't you? Don't you?…

I had some dreams…
There were clouds in my coffee…
Clouds in my coffee and...

Then Lisa was killed and I couldn't deny the attraction any more. I felt the heat over the next few days, inevitably landing me in your bed again (when did this become a letter to you?). I can't say I regret being there but I knew it wasn't right. I knew I was only a part time shag, Owen was totally on the dot. This fact didn't become reality until I overheard Tosh tell Gwen about that kiss. I chose to forgive you, but you didn't want or need my forgiveness. You just took me again that night, albeit more rough then before.

Then I thought you might get better, but then the rift splintered and you gave what I thought was your life. I made so many promises to myself that night. That I'd be more loyal and faithful to you, as a lover and a colleague. I wanted you back so much. Soon enough you did, and I thought I saw that same possessiveness in your eyes when you kissed me. Perhaps I imagined it, or saw what I wanted to see. You have no idea how abandoned I felt when you chose the Doctor.

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

Well I hear you went up to Saratoga
And your horse naturally won
Then you flew your Lear jet up to Nova Scotia
To see the total eclipse of the sun

Then you returned only a couple of days later and regaled us with the stories of your travels, of your heroism. I saw in you a new light and it hurt to know I could never compete with that. I forgave you again and we resumed our relationship. In that same year Gwen and Owen married, and Tosh started dating a sweet Welsh girl, Katherine.

I should have seen what happened next coming.

Well, you're where you should be all of the time
And when you're not you're with
Some underworld spy
Or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and...

Owen was furious, ready to kill you for sleeping with Gwen. I just felt numb. You're relationship with her had been going on for weeks. Owen, just like me, as a man in love, forgave Gwen. They divorced three years later, causing pain to their daughters. Owen was devastated.

For me it was so much easier. As soon as I found out, I handed in my resignation. This time I saw and recognized the sadness flit through your eyes. Perhaps a little bit of surprise – you honestly didn't believe I would leave you! I left the Hub with a bitter taste in my mouth. I was free. It wasn't until much later I found you start sleeping with a Time Agent after I left. And that he had replaced me as a tea boy. A bitter smile came onto my face when I heard that from Owen. His coffee wasn't anywhere near my standards apparently.

You're so vain
You probably think this song is about you
You're so vain
I'll bet you think this song is about you
Don't you? Don't you?

I never did truly get over Jack Harkness. He was my life for a long time. I did eventually get married, had a few kids and all that jazz. I also caught glimpses of Jack. I knew he was always watching, I knew he was watching over me, and my kids. I hope he realised exactly what he had lost. Upon my deathbed, it was he who wished me farewell into death, and told me that he regretted all the hurt he gave me. I left this world with no regrets and only one last thing to say.

Captain Jack Harkness, I loved you, you vain bastard and a warning to his other lovers, none will ever match up to Ianto Jones, tea boy and part-time shag.

Lots of Love

Ianto Jones

I am actually quite proud of this! I thought it fit really well, but if you think I'm misguided please tell me!

Lyrics are from 'You're so Vain' originally sung by Carley Simon, however this piece was inspired by the version sung by John Barrowman on his new CD 'Another Side' (BUY IT!!!!!!! Seriously.).

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