Two Weeks By Kayte L.
"I'm reaching for you! Don't you see my hand?! No! Don't let go! Don't let it end like this! You HAVE to see me. Why can't you see me? PLEASE I LOVE YOU DON'T DO THIS!!!"
My pleas were helpless. Desperately, I reached for someone that wasn't there. The blackness started to creep into my mind, killing all else in my line of sight. My breath came in short, suffocating gasps. My grip became weaker with each heartbeat. Even that was slower than usual. Please don't die, don't quit on me, I prayed silently. "Help me! SOMEBODY! I can't live WITHOUT YOU!" The darkness invaded my mind, pressing on my eyes. Everything pained me. Just being alive was hurting. "Ah!" I gasped as my eyes flew open. I was freezing. Why am I so cold? I wondered, reaching up to touch my forehead. It was soaking with sweat. I shoved the sheets to the side of my bed and sat up, taking deep calming breaths. Just another mindless dream. This was the sixth time in two weeks that I'd found myself stretching out a hand for someone that was invisible. These dreams usually started with me walking the halls of my school, aimlessly searching for a face that haunted me. I'd turn the corner and count locker bays, all the time gazing around for the one I needed, wanted. The third bay would appear and I'd take to it, heart pounding. But as soon as I reached it, everything would twist. A blackness would tinge all in sight. But there they were, the one I had to be near, just as I knew they'd be. I'd open my mouth to catch their attention, and instantly suffer. Some unseen force would make me struggle. Just as I thought I would die from it, I'd wake in a cold sweat.It was beginning to frighten me to the point of no return.
I crossed to my dresser, where a piece of metal glinted in the top drawer. I took it back to the bed and set it down in the side table. Padding quietly back to my dresser, I pulled my jewelry box towards me. I flipped open the top and grabbed the tube marked 'disinfectant.' I closed the box and opened the tube as I tip-toed back to my bed. My hand took up the razor from the side table and dressed it with the germ-killing contents. Then, as easily as if I was slicing air, I hacked through my skin, grimacing as pain shot up my arm. It didn't hurt as much to puncture myself anymore. I'd grown too used to it over the years. Many promises and friendships had been broken because of this horrible addiction. And yet, it soothed me. It was my only way out, no matter what my friends said. The razor was stained crimson from so much use, and only in 2 weeks. 2 weeks that seemed like eternity. Everything I had built up had come crashing down in just 14 days. And now … I faced the decision of a lifetime. Let me take you back a bit, and you'll see.
Monday, Feb. 17th : The smell of cologne filled the hallway as I flounced to my locker. School always made me feel good in an inexplicable way. Bright eyed, I removed the lock and shoved my backpack on the coat hook. I found my math binder and placed the lock back on the door, then turned the corner. As I walked past the vending machine, I caught sight of a grey sweater in the third bay. My heart skipped a beat. Should I say something? Thoughts blurred together into a slow murmer.
"Hey" a thin voice broke through the haze. And there she was, standing before me, hat pulled down over her eyes. I reached for her hand, then stopped myself, remembering that we were just friends now. " Hi" I answered sheepishly. It was really awkward now. Just seeing her made me wish I hadn't cut it short. " You okay?" she asked, " You look like your going to kill someone."
I rolled my eyes as she laughed. Of course, this is why we couldn't be. Because of her snide remarks and hurtful words. Calls me over-reactive, but I was sensitive. " Ya, YOU!" I tossed back, lightly shoving her in the chest. She stumbled into a friend of ours, headed to the library.
" Oh! Sorry Alex!" my face flushed bright red.
" No sweat, V" Alex laughed. Her blonde-brown hair and big blue eyes made her to die for. She wore a loose pair of jeans, old skate shoes, and a Simple Plan t-shirt. A black hat completed the look. What was that word that Alex used to describe it … Oh ya, butch.
"We missed you at the party Saturday night" Alex said.
Another reason to feel guilty. I had missed her birthday due to the fact that I had caught the flu. "I'm really sorry about that Alex. If I had gone, I'd probably have got everyone sick."
She smiled at me " Hey no problem. You needed to rest. Cam called me up and told me." Behind her, my ex nodded her head " I told Alex that you sounded deathly ill."
I laughed. "Alright, I'm heading to math, I'll see you in English, Alex." Cam tagged along as I climbed the stairs to the second floor. " I really miss you hunn," I said quietly.
She opened the door to the hallway and let me go first " I miss you too."
We walked in silence to room 221 . There were only 3 other students in here so far. I set my binder down on my desk and fell into the seat. I felt heavier now, as if my body were made of stone instead of skin. As the clock ticked closer to 8:35, more people started to trickle in to their seats. At about 9:15, the whispers started up again. They'd been haunting me ever since the beginning of semester 2. " So does she hate you now?"
"Nah, if she hated me, She would've killed me by now. Isn't that right OLIVIA"
I shrugged as they snickered, feeling sick to my stomache. Looking up, I watched my friend Violet scribbling down answers to math equations. I sighed. Why couldn't my life be more like hers? She was so lucky. Nothing bothered her.
" What are you doing?" Cam's spite cut through my heart.
"Nothing. I wasn't looking at YOU." For the rest of the class I sat staring at the clock, eager to escape the now constant stream of gossip. The bell rang and I packed up, racing for the door.
"Why are you so excited V?" There was Cam, just behind me, flanked by her group of over large cronies. I just ignored her and continued on down the stairwell. Turning left past the vending machine, on my way to my locker, I passed Alex. I nodded at her, feeling a little better. She always set off this feel-good attitude whenever I saw her. Reassured, I continued down the hall.
" Oh my god! That quiz was sooo hard!" I gushed as Alex and I walked back from English together. It was lunch now, my favorite time of day. The only time I could see all of my friends.
"Really? I thought it was easy. Then again, I stayed up half the night cramming for it" Alex said animatedly.
" I'm goin' to the library, k? I'll see ya later."
She nodded and we parted ways. I turned to watch her walk off. I was really beginning to like her … a lot. All of my friends were already at the library by the time I got there. Xavier with her bright blue hair and dramatic makeup, Kristen the tall blonde one, Violet who at the moment was laughing hysterically, Maddy's bright red hair shone in the cheap electric lights as she tried to smother Oliver in a hug, Mike showing off to the girls. There were only 2 others missing.
" Hey cutie."
Great, there they were. Cam and Cherese. Obviously Cherese had forced her to go to the café to buy fries.
"Hey, I gotta talk to you. You had no right to pick on me this morning. What's your problem?"
" Woah okay. I'm sorry. I don't know, it's just .. the way I am. And you and Alex … if I hear her name one more time …" Cam gritted her teeth as she punched the wall.
"Shh Shh. Come here." I clasped my hands around her waist and looked in her eyes. " Don't be so jealous. I know I left you because I'm having feelings for her, but you gotta hang in there."
" But …" she sighed " I just don't want to lose you. It's making me scared." She dropped her gaze.
I held her even closer as a lump rose in my throat. I didn't want any of this. " I know" was all I could manage as I let go of her. She'd never treated me right. We'd mostly fought every day. But my thoughts floated back to the Christmas assembly. That day had been magic for us. Images of a dark hall lit with only a thin string of Xmas lights, of her lips touching mine, so soft and warm, flooded my mind. Every fiber of my being screamed for that moment to be relived. But just when I thought I knew who I loved, Cam would turn nasty on me. She'd say stuff behind my back, or worse, in front of my friends while I'd be standing right there. Everyone told me to forget her. And I was trying, I really was. Just recently, thoughts of Alex kept me up at night. Stacks of songs written for her cluttered my dresser. Alex was such a sweetheart, of only she knew how I felt…….
Later that night, I sat at my computer, hair wet from having a shower. I pulled the duvet further around my shoulders as a shiver wracked my body. I clicked on a flashing box at the bottom of the screen.
Music Is Life ♪says:
Hey V, what's up? You seemed upset today :'(
I smiled. Alex and I talked more on IM then in real life.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Ya it's just stuff … I got a lot on my mind.
Music Is Life♪says:
I c. I missed you on Friday :$
My face flushed and I broke out into a smile.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Awwe Really? … I missed you too. But I had to go to a Leadership Programe for drama.
Music Is Life♪says:
Lol it's alright
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
So I was thinking … we should hang out sometime.
Music Is Life ♪says:
Ya that'd be awesome. Anything to get me out of here.
My family's driving me insane. They think that by taking my phone away, they'll make me straight sighs
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
What!? That's so stupid. You're perfect just the way you are. You're an amazing person and they should see that:
Music Is Life♪ says:
Thanks V. I wish they would just accept me the way I am. They're so Christian. And I'm sick of them trying to shove it down my throat.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
I am soooo getting you out of there. It'd be nice, because I barely ever see you at school … and I like you :$
Music Is Life ♪says:
Oh :$ lol. I'm flattered.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
lol okai. I g2g I'll talk atcha l8er.
Music Is Life ♪says:
Oh okay. Take care. Bye.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Buh-bye.
I logged off and shut down the computer. The clock read 9:30 pm as I passed it on my way to the bathroom. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and went to bed. My night was plagued by dreams of hallways and missing people. The same dreams I would have for weeks to come.
Another morning found me at our usual hangout place, with the same old group of people. I walked over t o Cameron, who was leaning against the wall beside the picture of the school's founder.
"Hey darlin" I nudged her foot with mine, attempting to be flirty.I knew I shouldn't love her, but no matter what she put me through, I only stayed mad for a day.
"Hey" she smiled and put her hands in my pockets, pulling me towards her. I laughed and pushed her away.
"I got something to show you. Come on" she took my hand and lead me into the library. "Ladies first" she held the door open for me. I giggled. " Cut it out"
She sat me down at one of the computers signed in under the name Camers. " Do you know what my password is?" She entwined her hand in mine. Her other hand glided over the keyboard, spelling out the words ' Cam and Livvy.' I smiled and leaned against her. She opened her picture file and flicked through them. They were all sweet love poems she had found on Google. Suddenly, a huge red heart flashed onscreen. In the center, printed clearly, was my name.
"W… when did you make that?" I stuttered, aware that I was very uncomfortable.
"Probably like … 2 months ago. I was bored," she said softly.
I noticed how my name was spelt and pointed it out to Cam. "You spell my name with a 'y'." I covered it with my index finger " I spell it 'L-I-V-V-I-E'."
"Ha, look at that! Her hand barely covers the y!" Mike had followed us in.
"Don't make fun of my girlfriend." Cameron shot at him.
My shoulders tensed " I'm not your girl, Cam."
Her face struggled to regain composure as she fumbled with an answer " Well … you know what I mean …"
My heart felt like it had been ripped in half. One half has an A engraved in it, the other half had a C. " I have to go, I'm going to be late for class."
"V, wait!" Cam called after me as I ran out the door.
If I Died Tomorrow Would You Even Care says:
Look, I'm sorry for what I said in the library today.
The rest of the day had passed in a blur after the morning's tribulations. Now I sat back at the computer. 3 people were online tonight. Cam, Alex, and Tammy. Tamera had been my friend since grade 2. But sadly, she had moved away after just a year of our friendship. We visited once a year when we could. My mind wandered back to Cam's convo.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
It's alright. Just don't let it slip again.
If I Died Tomorrow Would You Even Care says:
Ya whatever.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Cold Cam. Real nice. Why can't you just find someone else?
If I Died Tomorrow Would You Even Care says:
Damn, why can't you just make up your mind? Once minute you love me, the next you hate me. You need to grow up. You over react too much.
A single tear trailed down my cheek. I knew she was telling the truth, but I just couldn't decide that fast. And as bad as she was sometimes, I couldn't let her go. Whenever I told her to move on, part of me secretly wished she wouldn't. But then there was Alex, who I was steadily falling for. I clicked out of Cam's convo and into Tammy's.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Tammy I need you T-T!!! It's the Cam-me-Alex thing again. I'm leaning further to A, but I don't even know if she likes me. And I don't want to picture life without Cameron there. Help me sis!
[c/♥Tammy [□ yew. 33. says:
Awwe baby sis 3 I think Liv's given up on the boys :P All I hear is Cam and Alex now lol. My advice is give it more time. Your gonna have to let go of C sometime hunn.
Just Waiting For A Better Days says:
I know :'( but it's never hurt this much. Tammy I need you!!! /3
[c/♥Tammy [□ yew. 33. says:
I know babe 3 2 weeks hunn. Ily
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Thx. Ily you too. Always have, always will.
I clicked into Alex's window.
I'll Never Be You says:
Hey V, can I talk to you? … I thought since I listen to all your problems, you could listen to one of mine…
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
Omg yes! Anything. What's buggin' ya?
For the next hour we talked, me giving advice where I could, and generally comforting her. I realized just how hard I had fallen for her. And for once, I wasn't the one alone. She had it pretty rough what with her parents refusing her orientation, an ex that hid hurtful deeds, and a friendship that was in need of saving.
I'll Never Be You says:
So then one day she walked by me and Oliver in the hallway and I called out " Yo Cameron," but she just kept walking. And I know she heard me. I don't know why she's mad at me.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
She's jealous because I left her, and now I've become good friends with you. It's not your fault, it's mine. I let my feelings get the better of me.
I'll Never Be You says:
Oh :$ well see … you and I just went through break-ups. All I have to offer is a small piece of my heart, and you deserve more than that. And I don't want to ruin a friendship over this, I could never do that to Cam.
Just Waiting For A Better Day says:
No I totally get it. This isn't worth wrecking a friendship over. I respect that. Sorry to leave you like this, but I gotta jet. Ttyl ♥ Chiao.
I'll Never Be You says:
smiles okay. Bye. And thanks.
I bid goodbye to the rest of my buds and sat in silence. I guess I must've fallen asleep because the nightmares of darkness began to rage again.
A week later, I would learn that Cameron had carved the words "Can't live without you" permanently in her wrist. As I sat on the edge of my bed, observing my latest bloody deeds, I thought 'What is worth living this way? Where do I go now …?'
To Be Continued …