SERIES: New Traditions (Part 2)
AUTHOR: Kylia (kylia_bug@yahoo.com)
DISCLAIMER: Nobody belongs to me, unfortunately. They belong to Joss & Mutant Enemy, and a few other people I don't know.
RATING: R
SPOILERS: Everything up to Listening To Fear & The Trial
CATEGORY: Friendship, UST.
PAIRINGS: Xander/Angel
SUMMARY: Xander spends Christmas Eve with Angel.
DISTRIBUTION: My site, AENO, List archives, anyone else, ask, and you shall receive.
FEEDBACK: Please My muses need to be fed
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is the follow up to 'Holiday Thing' and the 2nd part in the 'New Traditions' series.
DEDICATION: To everyone who enjoyed 'Holiday Thing', and especially Liz & Kaite. :)
**********
I wake up with this odd feeling that I'm not where I am supposed to be. Or maybe it's that I *am* where I am supposed to be. But that feeling is so foreign that I don't recognize it.
I open my eyes and look around the darkened room, and for a moment I'm not entirely certain where I'm at. My brain is still foggy with sleep, and the darkness in the room isn't helping. I climb out of the unfamiliar bed and take a look around at the room.
It's a little musty, as if no one has spent any time here in a long while. My eyes rake over every service and I am struck with how old it looks. I mean not old as in worn out, but old as in it was furnished either a long time ago, or with antiques.
The weird thing is, I kind of like it. It seems odd, that me of all people would like such a thing, but I do. I mean it could use with some redecoration, no doubt about that, but its not horrid or anything.
Its actually better furnished than some of the rooms in Giles' condo. I laugh at that. How bad does a place have to *be* to be worse off than the G-man's?
The drapes in this room are a deep maroon and closed tightly, blocking out any trace of the day's sunshine, assuming of course that it *is* daytime. Which makes sense considering who lives here. I wonder if all the rooms in this hotel are like that, or just a few of them. And if they are all like this, did he come into each one and close the drapes himself, or have Cordy do it, or was it some cosmic coincidence?
Not that it really matters, I suppose. I think it just keeps me from thinking about the bizarre turn my life took last night. It's kind of strange thinking about how I spent the evening. The drive to LA was uneventful, but once here, things began to spin wildly out of control.
But not in a bad way.
Despite the oddity of the situation I now find myself in, I feel good. Really good. Better than I've felt in a long time.
I hate the holidays. I think I mentioned that. But suddenly, they don't seem so bleak, so depressing. Suddenly they seem almost merry. Okay. It's official; I've gone over the deep end. Too many hours spent shopping for lights and other decorations, too much blinding, colorful brightness from said lights. That's the only explanation.
A knock at the door interrupts my bout of introspection.
"Yeah?" I call through the door, feeling oddly out of place all of a sudden.
The door opens almost before I yelled my acknowledgement and the ecstatic face of my ex-girlfriend peeks in. "Xander?"
"Cordy." I smile.
Before I can blink I find my arms full of one former Sunnydale High cheerleader, present seer and continued friend.
"Cordy! It's good to see you too." I hug her back and am kind of surprised at how pleased I am to see her.
"When'd you get here? Why are you here? How long can you stay?" She asks all at once.
I laugh. "Last night. I came to bring some dusty old books for Giles. I'll be here until New Years."
"That's great." She's smiling at me but I notice there's an odd look in her eyes. But before I can think about what it means, it's gone.
"How are you?" She asks me as she steps back. "Looks like you got the old brooding scrooge to brighten up the place." She's grinning at me now, almost as if she knows something I don't.
"I'm good." I tell her, and its true, for the most part. I shrug as I think about a response to her comment on the decorating. "It was his idea. I just helped." I step a little closer to her. "Did you know he wanted to buy *tinsel*?" I shudder at the very thought.
She laughs and takes my hand as she guides me over to the small couch in the room. "So, give me the dish. What's been going on in good ol' Sunnyhell? How's everyone? Giles? Wills? Buffy?" She wrinkles her nose at me at the Slayer's name, and then her voice drops a little. "Anya?"
I cringe at the mention of the name. Not that Anya herself has upset me. It's just that thinking of her has reminded me of the way things ended, and why. Cordy must notice my reaction because she places both hands on my shoulders and turns me slightly.
"Okay, Xan. Tell me. What happened?"
I shrug, not wanting to discuss it, but at the same time, wanting to, needing to. "We broke up."
She arches an eyebrow. "Why?" She asks me simply.
"She discovered she wasn't my type." I tell her finally, after several long seconds.
"Wrong type?" She asks. "As in, not blonde enough? Redhead, brunette Or as in not male enough?"
My eyes widen. "Well, yeah, actually."
She laughs then. "Well, *I* could have told her that."
"You could?" I ask, feeling as if I just stepped into the twilight zone. "So how come you never told *me*?
Cordy shrugs then. "You knew, Xan. You always knew."
We're both quiet for a few minutes and then I nod my acceptance of this fact. "I guess that's why every relationship ended so horribly, huh?"
Cordy seems to be thinking about that for a minute before she responds. "Yeah, maybe. But I don't regret our relationship. It was really important. I'm sorry about what happened, afterwards."
I grin at her. "I deserved it. I'm sorry I hurt you."
We're silent for a few more minutes before she stands up and pulls me to my feet.
"Come on. I ordered dinner. You still eat Pizza?"
I follow her out of the room. "Pizza?" I know my eyes are slightly glazing over at the thought. I don't remember the last time I actually ate. But then something else she said seems to register. "Dinner? What time is it?"
Cordelia glances at her watch. "9:30."
I stop in my tracks. "Nine-thirty? As in PM?" I ask incredulously. I can't believe it's so late.
"Welcome to life with the undead."
****
I smile to myself as I hear Delia coming down the stairs with Xander. He's still griping about how an entire day disappeared. He doesn't sound upset though, and that pleases me. Probably more than it should.
Although I'm not entirely sure if his good humor will remain once Delia tells him she's going out again tonight and he'll be left alone with me. Hopefully he won't be too upset.
I know we agreed to start fresh this week, and forget about how things went before, and try and help each other out with this holiday thing, but I can't help but wonder how much of that was exhaustion from the previous nights shopping expedition.
"Angel! Look who I found?" Cordelia asks as they finally make it into the lobby.
"Xander." I smile at him. He smiles back and I can't help but notice that it's a real smile. I don't think I've seen to many of those and I make it a point to see more of them, often.
"Deadboy."
There is something about the way he says that. I know I should be offended that he still calls me that. After all this time, after the rather pleasant even we spent last night, despite the minor bout of tension, which I still don't understand.
But somehow it doesn't sound the same coming out of his mouth as it used to. Either the way he says it is different, or the way I am hearing it is. Either way, I really don't mind it so much.
"You hungry?" I ask him as I motion towards the pizza box, which is sitting on top of the counter. His eyes seem to glaze over a little and I hear his stomach rumbling. I can't help but chuckle at him.
"Look what I brought!" Cordelia asks as Xander begins eating. I follow her with my eyes as she goes over to a couple of shopping bags she set on one of the couches.
She pulls out a tangle of what looks to be plastic plants. There are leaves everywhere and these little red berry things peeking out of every side. I raise my eyebrow in question.
"It's mistletoe." She tells me in that voice that says I should have known that.
"Mistletoe?" Xander repeats, and if I didn't know better I'd say *he* looks a little green. Actually he looks kind of cute like that. Did I just think that?
"Yes, mistletoe." Cordelia confirms, as if she was talking to a child.
"What do you do with it?" I ask, feeling every single one of my two hundred plus years.
"You hang it silly." Cordelia tells me, still using *that* voice.
"O-kay." I tell her, making it clear I'm still confused. Xander must take pity on a poor, ancient undead guy because then he grins at me, in between bites of pepperoni pizza.
"You hang them around the room, and when two people stand underneath it, they're supposed to kiss."
Okay. This makes even less sense now. Why would people want to do that? I see this odd little smile on Cordelia's face and I have a thought. I smile back at her. "Hoping to catch Gunn?" I ask her.
Her cheeks start to flush and I can almost see the flow of blood under them. Although she looks indignant.
"Gunn?" Now Xander's looking confused.
"He works with us." Before I can comment further, the object of our current discussion enters through the front doors of the hotel.
"What's up?" He asks as he looks around the room, his dark eyes settling on Xander. "Who are you?"
Xander climbs off of the counter, where he was sitting next to the half-empty pizza box and wipes his mouth with his hand and then wipes his hands off on his jeans. "Xander. You must be Gunn." He holds out his hand to shake.
Gunn is eyeing him strangely, as if he's checking him over to see if he's really who he says he is or some sort of demon in disguise and I have to wonder what exactly Cordelia told him.
"Yeah." Gunn shakes Xander's offered hand. "Charles Gunn."
"Come on, we're gonna be late." Cordelia grabs Gunn's arm and starts to lead him away.
"Where are you going?" Xander asks curiously.
Cordelia's eyes sparkle. "Shopping."
Gunn groans and I can tell Xander's sympathizing with him. "Good luck." He chuckles.
"Hey! It's for a good cause!" Cordelia sounds indignant.
"A good cause?" Xander's shaking his head, as if he doesn't quite believe it.
"Yeah." Cordelia sighs and this sad look covers her features. "There were these kids at the shelter last night. Their parents died in this fire last year, and they don't have any family, and no one to spend Christmas with." Her eyes mist over slightly as she looks away from Xander and at a spot on the wall. "They didn't even *know* that people are supposed to get gifts for Christmas." Her voice sounds really sad.
Gunn places a hand on her shoulder. "They youngest is only six months old, and the oldest is four. Even before the fire there parentswell things were rough."
Xander nods his understanding and Gunn takes my seer outside. I can hear Gunn's voice just before they get into his truck. "So *that* was Xander." I chuckle.
"Wow." Xander's voice brings my attention back to him. He's backing sitting on the counter, but he's done eating. "She sure has changed." He speaks quietly. "Not that I'm surprised really. I think I probably knew her better than anyone else in Sunnydale. But still. Wow."
"Yeah." I agree. "I think living on her own had a lot to do with it." I tell him as I walk closer. "And all those visions she got awhile back. They really affected her."
"Yeah." It's his turn to nod. "She told me about those." Then his gaze locks on mine and I can see a mischievous sparkle in those eyes. "So what do you do for fun around here?"
****
"You have *got* to be kidding me?" I ask as we take a seat at one of the tables. I look around at the different people in the bar.
"A karaoke bar?" I ask him. "A *demon* karaoke bar?"
He smiles at me. "Well, I am a demon."
As soon as the words leave his mouth, I'm choking on the drink that was just set down in front of me.
I'm not sure what shocks me more. The fact that he's *smiling*, at *me*. Or the fact that he's talking about his being a demon so easily. It's different, not something I would ever expect from him. But I like it. I like it a lot.
"Are you going to sing?" I ask him with a grin.
"Uh no." He tells me, and I swear that if he was living, I think he'd be blushing.
Before I can comment, a shadow falls over our table. I look up to see someone standing next to me. He's green, and way too cheerful. I suppose I should be surprised by how at ease I am in this demon bar, surrounding by nothing human. But I'm not. In fact I feel more at ease than I have in a long, long time. I suppose it's all that time I've spent with Spike recently.
"Hey Big Guy. Who's the friend?"
"Xander." I tell him and hold out a hand. I feel like I've been on some sort of introduction tour.
"Nice to meet you. You want to try your hand?" The green guy asks me.
I'm confused for a second but then he motions toward the stage and I know what he's asking me. "No, I don't think so."
"No?" He asks. He looks slightly disappointed for a second and then shrugs. "Maybe next time."
Before I can reiterate how I am *not* going to get up in front of a bunch of strangers and *sing*, he turns his attention to Angel. "What brings you here?"
As the weird, happy green guy and Angel talk quietly, I start to think about the weird turn of events tonight. I gather from the green guy's attitude when Angel tells him he isn't here on a case, or any other dire emergency that Angel doesn't usually come here for pleasure. Which then brings up the question, why now? Why tonight? Why with me?
And then, another question springs forth. I rewind my conversation with this strange demon who is still talking amicably with Angel and I find myself wondering why it is I am adamant about performing karaoke in front of a roomful of *strangers* and not a roomful of *strange demons*. Does that say something about me? And if it does, what?
Just the very idea that I am sitting here, in this bar, calmly, is some sort of statement. I can't even think of a way to explain this situation to anyone back in Sunnydale. Except maybe Spike, he wouldn't really care. Or Willow, I don't really think she'd be surprised. But everyone else?
Giles? He would find it fascinating, surely, but highly dangerous. Riley, who I've begun to like, to a point, he wouldn't be able to understand it, at all. And Buffy? She'd just freak, there's no doubt about it. I don't think she'd even wait for an explanation.
I know they've gotten the occasional piece of information, or help from a demon, here or there, but more often than not, it's under duress. I can't imagine them even knowing about a place like this, which is obviously some sort of demon sanctuary, completely different than Willy's. In fact I'm pretty sure if she knew about this, Buffy would just as soon come in here, and start slaying. You know, slay first, ask questions later?
I start to laugh. Its quiet at first but then it becomes uncontrollable. And soon I feel tears in my eyes as I try to stop. I look up and notice that the green guy has gone and Angel is staring at me with another one of those expressions I don't recognize. This one is concern, I think.
"What's wrong?" Angel asks me as he reaches out a hand to touch me.
His cool fingers clasp around my arm and I can feel my laughter start to bubble up at his obvious concern. I start to laugh again. His grip tightens around me as I take in great big gulps of air.
"Maybe you shouldn't be drinking." He comments to me.
When I look up into his dark eyes I can see that the concern has been abated and theirs some humor there. I shake my head, willing my laughter down as I tell him about my thoughts, hoping he won't find any of it offensive. I realize that it probably isn't as funny as I seem to think it is right at this moment, but it feels too good to laugh to worry about it.
When I'm done explaining it to him, I hear him chuckle and I am glad to see he isn't upset by my embarrassing display.
"Sorry." I tell him, as I bring myself under control.
"No, you're right." Angel shakes his head, presumably at the oddity of those words. "I don't really think Buffy would be too likely to be seen in a place like this." He looks up at me then. "You aren't uncomfortable?"
I shake my head, feeling unaccountable comforted by his concern. "No." I reassure him. "I'm sorry. You probably don't want to talk about Buffy."
He laughs then, and it's my turn to look concerned and confused.
"No, actually, I don't mind. It was over between us a long time ago." He laughs mirthlessly. "It was over before it began."
"I'm sorry." I tell him sincerely.
He shakes his head and his smile is back. The *real* one. "No, really. It's okay. I've moved on. She's moved on. She's with what's his name now."
"Riley." I tell him although I know it wasn't so much that he forgot his name as much as it was that he didn't want to use it.
"Yeah, Riley." He tells me, putting special emphasis on the name. It's kind of funny the way he says it, because, he doesn't to seem especially fond of the former commando, but he doesn't seem jealous either.
"He's not so bad." I tell him. "I kind of feel sorry for him."
"Oh?" Angel raises an eyebrow.
"Yeah. His whole life has been shit canned, pretty much. I mean he was in the military, which he loved, and he had this girlfriend, which he loved. Life was good. And nowwell, its not." I look down at the table and trace the rim of my glass.
"What do you mean, *was*?"
"Well, after that whole thing with Adam, the Initiative was taken apart, and what with everything he'd been through, the lies and the implant, he decided not to go back. So now he's out of a job. He's wandering around, with no life, no purpose. Its kind of pathetic."
"And Buffy?"
I look up at him then, trying to gauge why he's interested. It seems to be simple curiosity, so I continue. "He doesn't think she loves him."
"Does she?"
I shrug. "Maybe. Maybe not. He isn't you. At least that's what I think is Riley's reasoning."
"And what do you think?" He asks me.
I think about my response to that. What do I think? And am I willing to admit what I think to him? Yeah, I think I am. "I think he's right, and I think she doesn't know a good thing when she has it."
He seems surprised by that and it's a few minutes before he responds. "You hated it when we were together." He comments and I'm not sure if it's just an idle comment or if it's in direct response to the conversation. Either way, I decide this is as good a time as any to set the record straight.
"No. I hated the way things were. The blinders everyone insisted on wearing."
"Blinders?" He asks and I can see the confusion on his face. Another expression for me to catalogue.
"Yeah." I sigh. "Well, it's true, I did have a crush on Buffy. Another shining example of my adolescent insanity." I smile slightly. "That and my need to deny certain things about myself." I wave a hand slightly in the air, really not wanting to get sidetracked on *that* discussion.
"But, what really bugged me, back then. Hell even now, was that the way everyone acted." I pause and take a good long look at him, aware that what I'm about to say could be taken the wrong way. "Look, Angel. I don't want to piss you off here, or offend you or anything, butwell you asked." I hesitate, waiting for him to say whether he really wants to hear this, or not.
"I did. And I do want to know. I won't be upset."
I stare into his dark eyes, searching and I find I believe him. I believe that he won't be offended, or irritated. Or, at the very least he *believes* that he won't. I nod, and begin to tell him the truth. My truth, which I haven't actually verbalized to anyone before.
"You're a killer." Great way to begin, I smile inwardly, more at the fact that this big, strong, vampire I'm talking to doesn't even flinch at my words. "You. Are. A. Killer." I say again, a little more slowly, but my words are still softly spoken, not accusatory, or anything. "You know it, I know it, they know it. And back then, we all knew it too. Well, maybe not at first, but by the time we all really knew who you were, we knew you were a vampire. Vampire equals killer. There's no other way around it." I tell him and look at him again to make sure he's not ready to kill me.
He's not.
He's still staring at me with that expressionless face, but his eyes are warm, so I guess that's a good sign.
"Soul or no soul. Chip or no chip. Still a killer." I take a drink and let the cold liquid slide down my throat. I'm kind of surprised that he remembered that I don't drink alcohol when he ordered the drinks.
"No one wanted to accept, or admit, or whatever, that your soul didn't change what you are." I continued.
"And you did?" He raised his eyebrows at me.
I shrugged. "Yes. No. I don't know." I pause as I think about that. "I do know that I wasn't willing to believe that things had changed *so* much after you got your soul. That *you* were so different." I shake my head, realizing I'm not expressing myself right. "That's not right. You were different. You didn't feed off humans and you had this whole guilt thing going on, which by the way, you did really well with." I grin. "But, you were still the same. Weren't you?"
*****
"Weren't you?" He asks me again, and he suddenly seems unsure, whereas a few moments ago he was *certain* that what he was saying was the truth.
I'm amazed at his insight, because everything he said is true. No one else really saw it. Not even myself. But yet, he did. This fact changes everything I have always believed about him. About the reason's he hated me. He had good reasons. Not the ones I always believed him to have. It wasn't about Jealousy. Although there was that. He admitted as much.
Although I find myself wondering what it was he was talking about. What about himself was he trying to deny which would have led him to pursue Buffy?
I'm staring at him, I realize and he's staring back, and I realize that I still haven't answered him. I smile in a way that I hope is reassuring. "Yeah, I was." I confirm.
His grin is almost blinding in its intensity and for the second time in two days I realize I *really* want to get to know this man.
"So, you want to" He trails off and I think he might be blushing, but in this darkened room its kind of hard to tell.
"You ready to go?" I ask him as I finish my own drink.
"Yeah." He nods, as he downs the last of his soda.
We both stand up and leave the bar quietly, each lost in our own thoughts. We walk the entire way back to my hotel in silence. But it's a companionable silence, and I'm glad that we don't run into trouble on the way. I'm not all that eager for a fight tonight.
The only lights inside the hotel when we get back are the Christmas lights we hung the previous night. It's still dark inside though, and I can hear the soft sounds of what I think is Christmas music coming from the small portable stereo Cordelia keeps under the front desk.
The tree is casting an odd kind of glow and some of the gifts underneath are reflecting off the lights. Xander steps in front of me and he's staring at the tree with this odd look on his face, almost wistful and I wish I knew what he was thinking.
"It's beautiful." He whispers.
"Yeah, it is."
"You know, Christmas was never really a good holiday for me."
He's talking so softly, and with such emotion in his voice that I know that whatever he's about to say is something he hasn't really shared with anyone else, and I feel awed to be the one he shares it with, no matter what it is.
"My family. They drink. A lot. Christmas was always an excuse to drink more. More alcohol. More insults. More violence. More pain." The last was whispered so quietly I could almost feel the pain.
"I used to take my sleeping bag out and sleep outside, just so I wouldn't get caught in the mess that was the Harris Holiday Tradition."
My dead heart aches at the way he has spent the holidays before this year, and I want nothing more than to show him how they're supposed to be, even though I'm not really an expert. Still, I'd like to learn, and I'd like him to learn as well. Maybe we can learn together.
"We can start a new tradition." I tell him and I know I sound a bit hopeful.
He turns around to face me. The smile on his face is enough to free me from any concern I had that he would be upset.
"I'd like that." He takes a step closer to me and now he's close enough for me to feel his body heat radiating from him, warming me.
I open my mouth to speak but before any words can be uttered I hear footsteps on the stairs. Be both turn to see Cordelia running down the stairs, with Gunn several feet behind her. I wonder briefly what exactly they were doing upstairs, but then realize it's none of my business.
"Hey." Xander smiles at them. "How went the shopping? I see your still in one piece."
"Barely." Gunn makes his way down the stairs.
"Ooh, look." Cordelia points to us and then turns her head back towards Gunn. He nods at her and chuckles a little.
I feel a little confused at the display and I think Xander does too because he turns around to look at me in bewilderment.
Cordelia is pointing at us again, with a big grin on her face. Actually she is pointing *above* us. I suddenly get this odd feeling and am almost afraid to look. But look I do. Followed by Xander, who also tilts his head to see above us.
Sure enough, hanging just above both of our heads, is a sprig of that mistletoe stuff Cordelia was attempting to explain earlier. It's obvious she went to work on hanging it when she got back from shopping.
I hear Xander groan and I can't help but agree with the sentiment.
"Well, don't just stand there, like a couple of rejects from a day at the mall, kiss already!"
Xander turns around to face me and I can see some odd emotion in his eyes. It isn't revulsion, which is good. But I can't really place what the emotion is. I bend down my head slightly, giving him plenty of time to back away.
He doesn't, and I am suddenly very glad for that.
My lips hover over his for a second, not entirely certain I should be doing this, holiday tradition, or not. I continue forward, and press my lips to his, ever so gently, intending a quick, chaste kiss.
However that's not how things go.
His lips press firmly against mine, almost molding to mine, in an odd sort of intensity. The kiss is closed-mouthed, but anything but chaste. I can feel his body heat through those soft lips, and am tempted to open my mouth and invite his tongue out to play.
Before I can act on any of my less than honorable intentions I hear Cordelia walking closer and Xander pulls away. Cordelia is grinning at us when we turn back to face her.
"Merry Christmas!" She tells us as she hugs us both. "It just wouldn't be Christmas without some mistletoe kissage."
"Merry Christmas." Xander's voice seems a bit strangled but maybe I am hearing things, because he looks all right.
Gunn chooses that moment to say his good-byes and Cordelia goes to walk him out, again leaving us alone.
"That was" Xander speaks quietly.
"Yeah, it was." I agree hurriedly, afraid to hear what he was going to say.
"I'm gonna turn in." Xander tells me as he moves away. "I'm kind of tired."
"Okay. Goodnight." I am kind of sad to see the night end so quickly. "We'll probably have to spend the evening here tomorrow. I don't think much is opened tomorrow."
Xander turns around to face me just as he reaches the stairs. "No, probably not. That's okay though." He smiles at me. "I'd like to spend the day here. With you."
I smile back. "I'd like that."
"Goodnight, Angel. Merry Christmas."
"Goodnight. Merry Christmas, Xander."
He begins walking up the stairs and when he has nearly reached the top, I hear his whisper. "Merry Christmas, indeed."
I chuckle to myself, agreeing completely with the sentiment.
Merry Christmas, indeed."
*****
The End